Welcome boys and squirrels to everyone’s favorite New Years Day tradition, Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s fifth annual presentation of the Sandy Awards! The Sandys are the most prestigious awards on all of WordPress… honoring the best, funniest and most fucked up search terms to lead internet users from all over the universe to my humble blog over the past year. If you’d like a primer on the history of the Sandys, or would just like to binge watch past episodes that have cured many a hangover with the power of laughter… knock yourself out by visiting our page dedicated to the only awards show out there to give out fake squirrel trophies!
We have another most excellent show lined up for you this year! Along with the presentation of this year’s Sandy Awards, we’ve hired/conscripted/blackmailed some of the finest entertainers on WordPress to keep you from falling asleep in a puddle of your own drool. Bacon will assemble all of Bashful’s girlfriends for a fabulous tribute to the Rockettes, Kerry will feature an adorable circus with her trained and talented nutria, and Angel Sam will make an appearance to recite an epic poem on the glory of bacon…
OK now, let’s get ready to bumble! Over the past 366 days, I’ve recorded the most interesting search terms to lead people to my blog that have appeared on my Stats page. I divided those terms up into the usual categories you’ve seen in past shows with each crowning its own individual Sandy winner. At the end of the show, I’ll reveal my overall winner of the Best Search Sandy for 2016. And you can count on plenty of snarky and sarcastic comments from me along the way…. you know, the kind of shit you read my blog for in the first place!
All of the bolded terms you see below were really, honest to Godly entered into a search engine by someone somewhere in this great big wide world… and they somehow led that person of questionable taste to my blog of ill repute. As Dave Barry would famously say, I am not making any of these up. As usual, we’ll kick off the show with the Riddler’s favorite category….
Ask and you shall receive, so they say. Well, all these questions are going to receive is some Sandy recognition…
why do people yell squirrel? – It’s a futile attempt to save your life from the oncoming ambush…
Better cover your nuts!
how much money did hands across america raise? – Less than the cost of a cup of coffee…
The 80’s fought hunger with big hair.
is it humane to kill a mangy squirrel? – Of course it is. After all, we routinely euthanize people who are losing their hair, right?
art linkletter contour chair how much did they cost? – More than your Social Security check comes out to…
Government benefits deny the darndest things.
how did they save money in the 90’s? – By not buying portable computers disguised as cell phones, for one thing…
are black squirrels evil? – No, and we don’t make them eat from separate feeders anymore either…
And the award goes to…
why do squirrels become active at night? – I guess it’s because your neighborhood has a problem with vampire squirrels. You might want to carry some garlic with you…
Oh, and wearing a scarf in all seasons might be advisable as well.
Hey, I’m most active at night! But I only bite those who want me to…
Well, now that we’ve whet your appetite for absurdity… let’s move on to our next category honoring the household names that got caught in The Nest’s crossfire…
Fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and here’s proof…
my buddy and me and chucky – Goodbye, it was nice knowing you…
genesis rodriguez shows off boobs –
Who says The Nest can’t give its readers what they want?
is the fray an evil band? – Since “How To Save A Life” is probably on loop over the PA system in Hell, you may be on to something there…
kevin o’neill porn actor –
And here I thought Regis was the only celebrity I met at my Millionaire taping.
hawaiian punch guy saying o yea – Some people just can’t keep their violent fruit juice mascots straight.
elizabeth taylor husbands in order – That’s tricky to remember, so just keep this mnemonic in mind…. “Divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded, Survived”…
Queen Elizabeth VIII sure got around…
And the award goes to…
did lorena bobbitt use a ginsu knife? – We’re talking about for preparing veggies and stuff like that, right?
It slices through this cheap steak knife, but stays razor sharp to easily carve through your husband’s morning wood!
Ginsu! Keeping cheating men in line since 1978…
And now it’s time for the award sponsored by Txtrs 4 a dummer vocab, lol!
Let’s see who was smoking joints in the back of their language arts classes…
do u see squirrels at night? – It’s good to see Prince paid The Nest a visit before he went to that big purple studio in the sky last Spring…
is vurgo evil? – Of course not. They just spent too much time criticizing others who don’t bother learning how to spell…
ross perot we will hear a giant ducking sound –
QUACK!
febreze with two e’s – Check the aisle with the Swifters…
And the award goes to…
how do squillels hang upside down? – Velly, velly calfully…
Seriously, are these Englishmen the only people in the world who have a ARRRRRRRRRR sound?
Awwwww, I think squillel is kinda cute.
You may want to hit up the bar for one of our overpriced drinks as we head into our scariest category…
Be warned… the following nightmare fuel is 100% renewable and gets 500 screams to the gallon…
russian girls with skunk tattoo – A little vodka will turn any girl into a skunky skank…
squirrel unbirthing a human – Holy shit…. that’s nasty!
commercial with fungal creature – Because even athletes foot and yeast infections deserve to have cute, cuddly mascots…
Babies, animals and fungal creatures are surefire winners in any advertisement…
butt ugly possum – Isn’t that redundant?
Hey! Say that to our butt ugly faces!
hairy bitch –
Oh wait, that’s not such a bad mental image after all!
And the award goes to…
speedo guy robert plant sea of love – For your sake, I sure hope love is blind…
That’s Speedo Guy on the right…
Was someone looking for me?
Now we know why MTV stopped playing music videos…
Now it’s time to check out what people who were actually searching for a squirrel blog had on their mind in 2016…
Squirrels are fascinating creatures. But there are some things about them you just don’t want to know…
squirrel like oscar awards – Naked, gold squirrel girls look so much cuter than naked, gold, hairless, genderless humans on trophies…
squirrel nest out of old tires – If someone ever gets a photo of a squirrel hauling a Michelin up a tree, I want to post it on Saturday…
do squirrels hang out together? – Yeah, except for the introverts who stay in their nest to post on blogs…
“Hanging out” may just be a euphemism, though…
squirrel screaming on my roof –
Let the squirrel have its say…
squirrel nests in pokemon go – When people complain about how shitty the year 2016 was, I’m always going to assume they’re referring to the Pokemon Go craze…
squirrels drinking pop – Damn, Merby, you don’t need a search engine to find my blog…
Squirrels and soda just go together…
capybara squirrel – Imagine a squirrel the size of a St. Bernard, only cuter….
Stop discussing interspecies breeding in front of my children!
squirrel how to save its life – Well, you could start with some mouth to mouth…
And the award goes to….
crapping in a squirrel stash – You know, this is why Mother Nature invented bushes. Just because a squirrel may get inside your house and relieve itself on your carpet doesn’t make it OK to return the favor and take a dump on their nest…
Just do what rainbow unicorns do and shit in ice cream cones…
Don’t poop in our stash, and we won’t stash in your poop… or something like that.
Now let’s reach for the stars and present the category made possible by the world famous Stoner Astrologers…
The Nest’s unique look at the zodiac two years ago still brings in tons of great searches by those who let the sun be the boss of them…
librans are fat? – Yeah. I hear they’re thinking of changing libra’s sign to a truck scale…
libras are some lazy ass people – Why do you think they’re so fat?
Don’t make me get up and smack you. Really, don’t… I can’t even get myself up…
taurus season coming just wait on it –
Do I look like a bull, Doc?
scorpio is bored with me – Scorpio would find Charlie Sheen to be boring. Go find yourself a Cancer or a Pisces if you want someone who will put up with your lame ass…
virgos being cute – Just for the hell of it, I entered this into Google Images myself and this came up…
D’awwww, bunnycorn!
geminis that squirrel things away – The only thing worse than one hoarder is twin hoarders…
scorpio men adore sex fantasies – I think you could replace the word “scorpio” with any other word in the English language, and that statement would still be true…
Men think about sex every six…… mmmmmmm, oh, what was I talking about again?
aquarius man freaked out –
You must have missed with his water…
why do people think aries is evil? – Because astrology is still the one sector of human culture where it is perfectly OK to stereotype an entire group of people.
And, well, because Aries really is evil…
And the award goes to…
outdoor sex and sagittarius – Ahhhh, who doesn’t love a free spirit…
Run wild and run free, Sagittarius…
I guess it’s not called the great outdoors for nothing…
In the interest of staying somewhat on schedule, we’ll have to cancel the striptease Mitzi the Bimbocorn was going to perform and get right on to the next category….
If loving these searches is wrong, we don’t want to be right…
gungan female – Awww, thanks for visiting my blog, Jar Jar!
Don’t act like you wouldn’t hit it…
choose your own adventure were-squirrel – Spoiler alert…. no matter which page you turn to, you’re going to die in this one.
Such was life as a kid in the 80’s.
unicorn and possum mixed together cartoon – Somehow, Buster would find a way to gore himself on his own horn…
faulty the clapper tv commercial where the clapper does not go off –
Aw, fuck it! I’ll just sleep to the sound of infomercials…
the evil of judgmental people – Speak for yourself there, Mr. or Ms. Judgmental…
bear that looks like snuggle bear but evil killer –
I believe they’re one in the same…
thanksgiving in april – Do we really need to have Christmas shopping start any earlier than it does now?
bah fucking humbug! – Did you know there are only 358 shopping days left until Christmas?
And the award goes to….
squirrel droppings when overeating – Ummmm, I don’t think overeating is the most unhealthy part of your diet…
I just love freshly squeezed treats…
I am never accepting a box of chocolates from anyone ever again.
Before we move on to the final two categories, here’s a few searches that didn’t really fit in to any of our pre-selected categories, but still deserved some Sandy recognition…
remember strongheart dog food –
Who could forget that can-shaped yumminess?
how to draw the last supper – Draw a table. Draw thirteen dudes. Color within the lines…
Sorry, you can’t just trace off mine…
snuggle fabric softener so fucking soft – What does that make everything else, sandpaper?
Final Touch, so fucking scratchy!
Now that it’s about two in the morning, we can safely present our next category without scarring any of the young children who are busy looking up porn on their smartphones instead of sleeping…
Yes, that much beloved Sandys category that honors those who do their searching with only one free hand…
xxxxxxxxxxxl pussy –
How did you know what I was looking for?
cock rod cock rod cock song – Is this what Duck Duck Goose is known as these days?
hershey highway cartoon – I have a sneaking suspicion they aren’t looking for a candy bar…
sagittarius next sex encounter
next sex encounter for sagittarians – Keep typing it in however you want, but this is all that’s gonna come up in the search results…
Hi, I’m Rosey! Have we met before?
koala kiss cartoon pics –
Pucker up, Fuckface!!!!
female squirrels displaying nipples – Would it kill squirrel girls to wear a bra out in public?
And the award goes to….
furry porn smell – I really hope this isn’t the latest scratch and sniff sticker…
Can you smell the love tonight?
Ahhhhh, the sweet smell of perversion…
We hope you’ve recovered from the stench of that last award, because it’s time for our final category! As always, we’re saving the best for last…
It’s time to honor those searches that have baffled expert Googlologists for centruies! If you know what these people were looking for, please… PLEASE, just keep it to yourselves…
evil nest at my door – Call the police. Do not try to apprehend an evil nest on your own.
arrow sagittarius senator picture – I don’t believe centaurs are eligible to run for government office…
the best of lame comic skunk – Sometimes, “the best of” is a highly subjective phrase…
This album’s just one song long…
enema comic – Suddenly, the best of lame comic skunk doesn’t seem that bad now…
webcomic urinal – I don’t know if I should shake my head at the kind of comics people are looking for, or start taking notes…
his accounts full to the brim –
trigonometry nest – I think you’ll find the trigonometry nest off on a tangent somewhere…
(rim shot!)
misplaced toys – Ummmm, you’re not gonna find them by searching Google…
And the award goes to…
cant drive 55 porn – Apparently texting while driving isn’t the only problem we have to worry about…
I don’t care how excellent a driver you are, Rain Man….. the answer is NO!!!!!!
I think I’ll just take the bus…
Now that we’ve given out all of the unimportant awards that only exist to help the lame feel special, it’s time for the granddaddy of them all! Let’s roll out the red shag carpet and prepare to present the Sandy Award for the best search term of the past year!
The judges at The Nest had to give up their holidays to spend countless hours scouring through thousands of unknown searches and people looking for “xxxxxxxxxxxl” to come up with our slate of nominees… but all that work paid off in randomly selecting the search string we deemed to be the very best to lead someone to my blog in 2016! Someone’s inordinate amount of free time spent on the internet is about to pay off handsomely…
And the winner is………..
Drum roll please, Hottie…
do gemini male june 13 take shit? – Look, we get that a lot of people enjoy partaking in their daily horoscopes even if they are just a collection of random, vague phrases written to sound meaningful and mystical. Hell, astrology helped dictate a lot of American foreign policy in the 80’s and we got by just fine. But seriously….. when nature’s knocking on your back door and you feel like you need to consult Sydney Omarr before deciding if you should take the Browns to the Super Bowl…… it just might be time to stop letting the day you were born dictate your life, lest you end up as full of shit as your horoscope is….
You should never have to wait for permission to cut loose like a deuce…
I can take a shit whenever I want. And a Pisces shit doesn’t stink!
Well, that award show only ran about two weeks too long. Luckily, we don’t pay our Sandys staff by the hour…. or even pay them at all. We’d like to thank you all for attending the show, as well as thank the anonymous donors out there who gave me all of this great material to work with. We hope we brought some New Year’s joy into your life with this year’s high-larious presentation of the Sandy Awards! Let’s hope 2017 is an even better year for truly fucked up search terms here at The Nest!
I love these)
Me too. The search terms are still one of my favorite perks of blogging…
A wonderful collateral bonus
Hilarious. I almost popped a hip laughing so hard…
I hope you caught the shout out before injuring yourself…
I did…popped the fucker back in and kept reading…I’m a hard ass….
It must be uncomfortable to sit on a hard ass….
I’ve sat on harder…eh, never mind. LOL
Hmmmm…. now I know what was in that Hershey Highway cartoon….
Damn it, you win this one!
Had to be tough to pick the winners of the Sandys this year……so much weirdness in the world, yet much of it found its’ way to ES territory! Who could ask for more, right? Anyway, the world we live in continues to provide more than enough entertainment doesn’t it AND the new year promises even more laughs (or is that tears…..or maybe a combo?). Thanks for including Sam in the “finest entertainers” list along with Bacon and Kerry. We are honored……we also wish you and the entire Nest a HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Pam (and Angel Sam)
Thank goodness for all that weirdness…. not only does it keep me entertained, but ensures me that I’m not the only goofball out there! And I must say that Sammy got a standing ovation for his performance while most of my award presenters got booed off the stage…
Ha, two of mine shortlisted! *no, not really, but would you know?*
I’m still laughing yet I can’t remember why. My mother was a Sagittarius and I’m sure, if she had believe in astrology or anything else, she would be objecting to the besmirching of her sign. Or not. You could never tell with my mom.
That people use weird search terms is one thing to ponder. But that they wind up finding YOU is much more interesting to think about. What is it that you are not telling us? So. Another year bites the big one. Well, kids, are we ready?
Yes, Buffalo Bob. We, in the peanut gallery, salute you.
If only I could delve into the thousands of search terms that Google encrypts for the searcher’s protection (Which given some of the weird things that do pass through, may actually be warranted). I could probably do another show full of unknown terms that are all better than the known ones! I guess in five years, I’ve brought up just about everything weird, bizarre and preverted at some point… so just about anyone can wind up knocking on my door. It’s that kind of neighborhood…
I love the Sandy’s! I worry about the stupidity that’s apparently so rampant in our culture though. I mean, having to Google whether someone born on the 13th of June shits or not? WTF? And, are black squirrels evil? Video games must really be fucking with people’s brains. And I wonder what prompted so many searches about night squirrels? Crazy!
After “xxxxxxxxxxxl” (Which I still average about 10-15 hits for per DAY), some variation of “do squirrels come out at night?” is far and away my second most popular search string… which always refers people to my post about the crepuscular nature of squirrels. I am like the internet’s foremost expert on morbidly fat men and the circadian rhythms of squirrels! Well, that and collecting extremely weird search terms obviously!
Another great selection of messed-up searches. I just checked mine and as usual they’re rubbish. There are only 36 plus 816 “unknown” 😦
Only 36!?!? That is rubbish! While I get more known terms come through, I also get many more unknowns… 4,752 to be exact. All that potential humor lost to a little encryption….
Gave me a good laugh this afternoon! Truly fucked up!! lol…
I hope they continue to be so, though three days into the new year and I got nothing good yet…
They should make a NOT Like button!!! Don’t you agree?? lol…