The Sound Of Blue Balls

Hey! Let's not talk about blue balls right now, OK...

Hey! Let’s not talk about blue balls right now, OK…

tuesday tvCartoons have been entertaining people across the world ever since that landmark 1928 day when Walt Disney was inspired to draw what he found in his mousetrap.  While many of the legendary cartoons of yesteryear were intended to keep adults amused with caricatures of Frankie and Bing, plenty of World War II references, and enough off-color humor to be legally declared racist these days… the toon ultimately became the imaginary playground of the child in all of us.  Who doesn’t fondly remember waking up at the buttcrack of dawn on Saturday mornings to catch the latest animated fad before “THE END” dropped on its 15 minutes of fame…

Here today, prunes tomorrow.

Here today, prunes tomorrow.

While the cartoon industry of the 80’s was dominated by the disposable likes of Teen Wolf, New Kids on the Block and Scrappy Doo… there was occasionally that rare series that was successful on its own merits and would live on long after the last licensed lunch box was stomped on by the schoolyard bully.  Many of these cartoons appealed solely to children…. not because the dialogue, humor and moral lessons were written to appeal to the small mind, but because they were so fucking annoying that your brain could only take so much the inanity before it was more than ready to move on to watching adult things like wrestling and porn.  Such a cartoon was The Smurfs…

Only Papa Smurf was allowed to wear the red yoga pants.

Only Papa Smurf was allowed to wear the red yoga pants.

The Smurfs were a band of blue midgets who lived in the forest who all somehow had names that fit their one-dimensional personalities (Smurfinalities?), were considered to be a delicacy by the resident human hermit, and somehow achieved large numbers despite having just one resident female of the species.  I don’t know whether to fear more for poor Smurfette’s innocence given this situation, or for all of the other males in what must have been a secretly magical world of serial sodomy.

At least they edited that all out for the children.

At least they edited that all out for the children.

But far and away, the most irritating element of the Smurf universe was that because they were little people, the creators thought they should all sound like they just snorted an entire tank of helium before speaking.  And to show off the sadistic tendencies of those who made a living off of Smurf royalties, they decided to actually try marketing those wire brush to the brain voices and release an album of shitty Smurf karaoke in 1990.  I only wish I was making this up….

Smurfin! is a two album collection that will make you a prisoner in your own home once your tasteless hellion of a child wears the vinyl off of it.  This was the G-rated shit all the good parents would buy for their children long before Kidz Bop came along and turned wholesome Lady Gaga and Meghan Trainor songs into preschooler sing-a-longs…

♫You wanna hug me! What rhymes with hug me?♫

♫You wanna hug me!
What rhymes with hug me?♫

While the Smurfin! singers were busy sucking out the contents of party balloons… the announcer for this commercial was obviously force fed several bottles of Prozac, as he is entirely too happy to be telling the world about a collection of shitty songs that sound like they’re being sung by castrated men.  He giddily tells us that Smurfin is a collection of great tunes from the past along with great hits of today (Someone needs to alert George Carlin to this utterly criminal use of the word “great”), but when you look at the list of songs scrolling along the screen, it’s painfully obvious that Smurfin is mainly the best greatest of the late 80’s (and songs covered in the late 80’s) redone to sound like you’re playing an LP on 78 rpm.

Holy shit.... even forgotten OHW's like Glenn Medeiros got Smurfitzied! Is anything safe!?!?

Holy shit…. even forgotten OHW’s like Glenn Medeiros got Smurfitzied! Is anything safe!?!?

If you can even concentrate on the “finer” points of this ad while your inner ear bones are being ground into powder by all that awful Smurf singing, you may notice that it doesn’t take long for the scrolling list of songs to start repeating.  No, this wasn’t an oversight by the guys in the video room who probably wound up in straitjackets before they were able to complete this 60 seconds of pure hell.  It’s merely a function of the fact that they were somehow only able to squeeze twenty “Smurfhits” on two “Super” Albums.  I guess even the producers of this trash could only stand to desecrate so many classics and left most of the vinyl blank…

Apparently the rest of the space on these records was filled in by subliminal Satanic messages inserted by Gargamel's cat...

Or the rest of the space on these records was filled in with subliminal Satanic messages inserted by Gargamel’s cat…

The appeal of whiny cartoon characters singing seems baffling at first glance, second glance, and even on a sixty-ninth glance.  Hell, you can just set off your car alarm and listen to that for an hour rather than indulge in the Smurfs screech about Walking on Sunshine somewhere up near the dog whistle register.  But no, there seems to be an element of human society that absolutely adores torturing the ears of those of us who aren’t actually deaf.  It’s the only possibly explanation for why we have to listen to those damned Chipmunks sing every Christmas while we’re trying to find a cheapass Budwesier barbecue sauce gift set for that bastard Uncle Ralph just because society expects everyone regardless of beliefs to follow some reciprocal gifting December holiday.  I didn’t request to hear that song, and you sure don’t want to listen to it ever again…… but someone out there did.  That person needs to be killed with dragon fire before they turn us all into earworm zombies…

Thanks for the idea, Bob!

Thanks for the idea, Bob!

Music, they say, can tame the savage breast.  But whatever powdered wig hack in breeches blogged that statement several centuries ago was lucky enough to die before they had to listen to fucking Smurf music.  So let’s stuff our ears full of cotton and give a high pitched salute to the evil masterminds behind those two platters of glass shattering, Smurfin!  While your overly annoying take on the greatest hits of my generation may have singlehandedly killed off the music of the late 80’s, your 20 songs of ear bleeding Smurfiness will be fondly remembered by those children who used to play them on repeat back in the days before they wound up incarcerated for mass murder.  I guess what comes around goes around, kiddies!  Remember, if there’s blue balls in the shower, don’t drop that soap!

Oh no.... here comes Jokey Smurf and his "package!"

Oh no…. here comes Jokey Smurf and his “package!”

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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23 Responses to The Sound Of Blue Balls

  1. Say it isn’t so……..I was blissfully unaware of the Smurf karaoke album’s existence in 1990 and probably was just plain blissfully unaware PERIOD that year but I don’t think I missed much. In fact I’m sure of it! That last photo is hilarious though – “HALP! SAVE ME!” …..sorry little guy – what happens in the shower STAYS in the shower!

    Pam

    • Poor kitty…. he’s acting better than Ody did back in the day when flea baths were an unfortunate necessity due to a nasty infestation I wound up with. Ody’s one of the sweetest kitty cats I’ve ever known, but those eyes when I had him in that bathwater told a story of unchained rage that would be unleashed on me if I managed to loosen the grip I had on the back of his neck……….

      • Well, you can bet your bottom dollar (and any cat scratches you got) that Ody felt a WHOLE LOT BETTER post- flea bath. Not fun going through that (for human OR cat!) but necessary! Fortuntaely for me, I never had to be de-flea-ified!

        Hugs, Angel Sammy

  2. My taste lies more along the line of Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons and I’m guessing I’d even probably enjoy a double album of theirs. Just because you “can” doesn’t necessarily mean you “should” is probably the nicest thing I could say about the whole Smurf phenom. Cartoons, ‘muzak’ or otherwise. Personally I think they tarnish the color blue. 😉

  3. ody N biskit !! happee new yeer two ewe N dad…♥♥♥ hope de new yeer bringz everee one lotz oh happee nezz & health & perch samichez ~~ !!! ♥♥♥ ☺☺☺ { de food servizz gurl haz everee raizin that came out….her had em ona window ledge with out think inn…de sun faded ther buttz ta gray !!

  4. I was lucky to grow up in an era of unbridled violence and cruelty. Where the only moral to a cartoon was “he with the most dynomite can blow the shit out others.” That was the fundamental reality of Bugs and Roadrunner et al. Mickey may have been a pacifist, but he was alone in a sea of meaningless violence (as opposed to meaningful violence). I always rooted for the cat. not the chipmunks or the mice. I still do. Get those vermin out of my house! Spare not the trap!

    As I got older, I moved on to Doonesbury and Pogo and other anti-establishment cartoonists out to undermine the Great American Way. And slowly, they all fell away … until I found you. You saved me from a vast wasteland of boring, non-violent imagery laced with self-righteousness. Praise the lawd! I have seen the light and I’m never going back into the dark!

    • I’m not sure how it was back in the day before I was around, but the funny thing about Mickey and all those other Disney characters was they were pretty much unavailable to most of my generation…. save those whose parents ponied up for the premium Disney Channel. TNT used to show all of the classics….. Looney Tunes, Tom & Jerry, Popeye, Woody Woodpecker, Heckle and Jeckle…. even some Our Gang shorts. But if you wanted Mickey, you had to make the pilgrimage to Disney World, which us poor Midwestern kids never got to do. How he’s stayed so popular through the years despite such limited exposure has baffled me to an extent…

      I firmly believe in not taking myself seriously and apply the same principle to my cartooning. Every once in a while, I stumble across a moral or something profound. I am also a champion of the Wile E. Coyotes of the world…

  5. Quirky Girl says:

    La la la-la la la, sing a happy song!

    Were there any songs by Gargamel on those albums? 😛

  6. So informative for me, I have never really met those blue tiny hmm, creatures. They look very strange, and they were very famous, that is strange, too.

  7. Ladybuggz says:

    Those Smurfs where Fuck’n Awful little blue monsters!! and I agree about the chipmunk’s singing…they should be shot and put out of their misery!!

  8. draliman says:

    Yay Smurfs!
    ‘Nuff said.

  9. Merbear74 says:

    I would have been Stoner Smurf.

  10. Trisha says:

    I was also blissfully unaware of the existence of this horror. It makes me very thankful I didn’t have kids until after the Smurfs had died off. I had to listen to Dora the Explorer and Blue’s Clues every day but no Smurfs. One thing I do miss from the Smurf era is Smurfberry Crunch. Those Smurfberries were delicious!

    • Geez, Blue’s Clues takes me back to the year I stocked Toys over the Christmas season, 2000! It’s hard to believe the kids those toys were bought for are all now old enough to be my co-workers now….

      • Trisha says:

        It’s a rather disturbing realization, isn’t it? I keep running into information that makes me realize how damn old I’m getting. Things that seem like 4-5 years ago were actually 20 years ago!

      • The radio station I listen to is having an all 90’s weekend, and they keep bringing up Beanie Babies. Wasn’t that fad just a few years ago? Nope…. just getting too old!

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