SCRATCHY: TIIIIIIIINAAAAAAA!!!!! Let’s go! It’s time for school!
TINA: Coming, Aunt Scratchy! I just gotta put my perfume on!
SCRATCHY: Aren’t you a little young to be wearing perfume?
TINA: Aunt Scratchy! I gotta have something to cover up the smell of Disney Princesses Bubble Bath if I want to attract the colts!
Tina finally emerges from the bathroom and grabs her My Little Human backpack…
TINA: OK, I’m ready to get my education on! So, where’s the bus?
SCRATCHY: It came by 20 minutes ago while you were taking morning selfies in the mirror. Looks like you’ll be hoofing it to school today!
TINA: Walk!?!? Like, half a mile to school! That’s cruel and uncritterlike! I won’t…
SCRATCHY: You’ll walk to school and like it, young filly! And here, take this trusty cellphone with you in case you run into any trouble.
TINA: But Aunt Scratchy! I already have my own phone! This ancient artifact has a rotary dial!
SCRATCHY: Do you know how to make a call on your phone?
TINA: Errrrr…. (grabs the ancient artifact) OK, I guess I’m off now. Hopefully I won’t get killed or something!
Little Tina set off on the long and dangerous road to school by her lonesome. It wasn’t long before she passed a pack of squirrel boys…
CHILD 1: Holy crap! A girl!
CHILD 2: Man, I’ve heard some nasty things about girls!
CHILD 3: Little Johnny got kissed by a girl last year and got the possum trots and DIED!
LITTLEST: Aw, she doesn’t look harmful to me!
CHILD 4: Are you kidding, little brother? Man, she’s probably got cooties crawling all over her!
Tina notices the boys as she struts by….
TINA: Hey there, cuties! (flashes them a wink)
The four older squirrel boys suddenly change their tune and crowd around Tina… offering to carry her books, asking for her number, trying to awkwardly hide the visible signs of puberty that are beginning to show…
LITTLEST: I thought you all said she had COOTIES!!!
TINA: Down boys! He’s right… I’m flat out loaded with the coots! You all better back off and bury your nuts before you end up having to change your clothes!
Tina trots along and leaves the horny squirrel boys feeling unfulfilled and without her private Snapchat account. Soon she walked by a run down shady house and was greeted by an angry visitor over the fence…
TINA: Awwwww, what a cute little doggie! My, what big teeth you have! And you even look like you’ve been eating bubble bath!
The dangerous mongrel leaps the fence and growls angrily at Tina…
Tina scritches the rabid mutt on the head, causing him to foam up even more.
FUZZYWIG: Dammit, Fleabag! That’s NOT the mailman that keeps sending me all these bills while “losing” my Playcoon magazine! Get your ass inside that house right now!
Fleabag cowers seeing the taser in his master’s hand and crawls back into the yard…
TINA: That’s a nice puppy you have there, Mister!
FUZZYWIG: Didn’t your parents teach you not to talk to strangers? Scram!
TINA: Aw, I’m just trying to be friendly while I walk 500 miles to school!
FUZZYWIG: That’s a coincidence, because I’m heading to school as well.
TINA: Wow! How many times did you flunk out? You look older than our nasty principal!
FUZZYWIG: I’m not going to school to sit in class, stupid girl. I’m a salesman!
FUZZYWIG: So….. any of your friends wanna try some of this “good stuff?”
TINA: OMG! The D.A.R.E. program taught me to stay away from that MARIHUANA! Can I try it?
FUZZYWIG: You got any money, kid? I’m not into free samples…
TINA: I’ve got a dollar to buy lunch with…
FUZZYWIG: That won’t even get you a sniff of the baggie. Tell you what, scrape together some more dough and meet me behind the jungle gym after school around 4:20.
TINA: I’ll be there! Thanks mister!
Tina continued on the strange and crazy route to school that took her through….
TINA: Ooooh, I don’t remember this graveyard being here before! There’s nothing spookier than walking over the bodies of dead critters!
BUSTER: Excuse me, Miss…
BUSTER: You really shouldn’t be stepping on the final resting places of the dead! It’s horribly disrespectful, and the groundskeeper might hit you with his rake if you mess up the weeds…
TINA: Why should you care, butt ugly possum! It’s not like it’s you that’s buried under here!
BUSTER: Ummmmm, actually, it IS my body in that grave.
BUSTER: Yeah…. Death #69, when I got electrocuted by dropping my hair dryer in the toilet last week. I feel pain inside every time some careless person steps on one of my many graves.
TINA: Is that right?
Tina begins dancing and jumping up and down on Buster’s grave…
BUSTER: NO!!!! NO!!!! OW!!!! Please, STOP!!!!! My spleen!!!!!!!
Buster falls over dead…. for the 70th time.
TINA: Wow, it really WAS you under here! That’s so cool! Toodles, Mr. Carcass!
Tina gallops out of the spooky, dead possum infested graveyard and scoots along towards her next misadventure…
SNUGGLE: Hey there, little girl!
TINA: Ooooh! Candy!!!! For me???
SNUGGLE: Sure! Help yourself! (Tina grabs a fruit chew) I’ve got plenty more in my dark, windowless car over there!
TINA: Oh boy! This is my lucky day! Take me to your candy stash, stranger!
SNUGGLE: This is like taking candy from a…… well, whoever I stole this candy from.
TINA: Are you sure there’s candy in there? That’s an awful small vehicle for a prevert like you.
SNUGGLE: It’s the only damn decent sized car prop we have, OK? I’d have rather got a van….. hey, what did you call me?
TINA: Prevert!!! Because that’s what you are, right? Nobody but Grandma gives out candy to underage girls just to be nice! I may be young, but I’m not stupid!
SNUGGLE: Well, I did have my designs set on…… you know…..
TINA: Well, come on then, big furry prevert! Come and get your little jailbait fantasy!
SNUGGLE: Is this some kind of trap!?!? (Looks all around for Chris Hansen’s cameras and starts sweating) Look kid, let’s just forget the whole….
TINA: (Pouty faced) You get me all sweetened up with candy and you don’t want to give this girl some real sugar? Maybe I’m just not “cute” enough for you… (Tina flashes her Frozen Underoos)
SNUGGLE: Man, I’m getting the fuck out of here!!!! Bitch, you’re fucking nuts!!!
Pedo…. er, Snuggle Bear pushes Tina off his car and takes off like a bat out of hell…
TINA: So long, sucker! Thanks for all the free candy!
The street smart little filly has her fill of the ill-gotten treats before once again getting back on the trail to school….
TINA: Finally!!! I thought I’d never get here!
TWILIGHT: Welcome to school, Tina!
TINA: Howdy, Miss Twilight! I hope class is interesting today!
TWILIGHT: It was… we dissected this dead possum the squirrels found lying in a graveyard. But I’m afraid school’s already out for the day.
TINA: Dafuq? I wasn’t walking for that long, was I?
TWILIGHT: It’s already 3 PM, and the principal has has decided to expel you for yet another truancy.
TINA: Wait! How am I supposed to get an education if I’ve been expelled!?!?!? I promised Aunt Scratchy I’d grajuwait from college!!!
TWILIGHT: Sorry, I can’t help you anymore Tina. I guess if you want to have a bright future now, you’ll just have to learn to be a slut…
TINA: Learn to be a what!?!?!?
TINA: Wow! Do that again, Mistress Mitzi!!! I want to make sure I’ve got this whip cracking technique down!
MITZI: That’s my l’il grasshopper!!! Put that ball thingy in the slave’s mouth so he can’t, like, utter the safeword and ruin everything!
TINA: This is gonna be the easiest A evah!!!