When Squirrels Attack

So, you only wanna feed the birds, huh!?!?

So, you only wanna feed the birds, huh!?!?

The internet is a cool thing.  You can use it to look up information that was once only available from 69 pound dusty books at the library.  You can use it to find out where your BFF is currently eating lunch and see for yourself just how many rat droppings are in their Big Mac.  The power of the World Wide Web has ever given us access to literally any kind of pornography we might need to tide us over before that next blind date.  And that is a beautiful thing…

Into McDonaldland porn?  Oh yeah.... it's out there somewhere.

Into McDonaldland porn? Oh yeah…. it’s out there somewhere.

Unfortunately, the very thing that allows us to watch cat videos and create unclever memes to pester people with on Facebook can also be used as a tool to bring civilization as we know it to its very knees.  squirrelsinnewsThose geeks who got wedgies every time they tried to roam the hallways of middle school can now plot to take over the world from the mildew infested comfort of their parents’ basement using only the crummy cable company wifi.  Shutting down major power plants, government websites and really terrible blogs these days is as easy as a few unauthorized keystrokes.  The very scary thought of the apocalyptic things cyber terrorism can cause in our society is enough to make us all wish for the days when such vast inter-connective technology didn’t exist…

LOL.... you really didn't believe that, right?

LOL…. you really didn’t believe that, right?

Well, you can calm down and stop hoarding canned goods in your cellar now… because some guy named Cris Thomas would like you to know that expert computer hackers are not actually the most fearsome enemy to our own existence.  No, there is a cabal of evil out there that imposes an even greater threat to our freedoms to enjoy electricity and play Pokemon Go!  A gang of villains that secretly seek to destroy the very lifelines we take for granted while we turn a blind eye towards their treasonous acts.  Just who does Mr. Thomas consider to be earth’s public enemy number one!?!?

Squirrels!

What!?!?

What!?!?

Yes, it’s time for our world leaders to stop worrying about ISIS and start honing their heat seeking drones in on those bushy tailed little fiends wearing the cute disguises.  At least that’s the conclusion Thomas put forth at some conference called Schmoocon recently in response to the growing fear that hackers can easily take down the infrastructure that makes the world go around (Props to Draliman for bringing this to my attention).

Thomas set up a Twitter feed a few years ago called Cyber Squirrel 1 in order to track power disruptions across the globe, and he came to one of the most forehead slapping conclusions that has ever been reached in the name of science.  Hang on to your seats, everyone, because what follows may shock you…… but supposedly, most power outages are caused by animals.

That's impossible!!!!

That’s impossible!!!!

And naturally, in this collection of clippings featuring felonious fauna, you know who came out on top…

Squirrels topped the list with 879 “attacks”, followed by:

  • birds – 434
  • snakes – 83
  • raccoons – 72
  • rats – 36
  • martens – 22
  • frogs – three
What.... no koalas!?!?

What…. no koalas!?!?

It should surprise absolutely nobody that squirrels, who use our electrical infrastructure as their own personal highways, would be causing so many outages.  And we at The Nest think it’s about time birds were called out for their part in making our lives a living hell as well.  We’re still trying to figure out how frogs created three power outages somewhere in the world, though…

I guess there were three times Baron von Greenback outsmarted Danger Mouse...

I guess there were three times Baron von Greenback actually outsmarted Danger Mouse…

Squirrels aren’t just the primary source of putting people in the dark.  No, they’ve apparently also added cold blooded murder to their criminal ways as well.  According to Thomas’ research, no fewer than six people died due to squirrels dropping live power lines on their heads.  Keep that in mind if you were one of those naive humans who thought an acorn ambush was all you had to worry about when you dared to leave your front door…

Remember.... squirrels want you DEAD.

Remember…. squirrels want you DEAD.

Aside from the very gall of trying to turn squirrels into adorable little scapegoats, what’s truly shortsighted about this research is the fact that no matter how devious we may believe them to be… animal-caused outages are 100% unintentional.  No squirrel, raccoon or frog wants to suffer fatal fourth degree burns just so you won’t be able to watch the next exciting episode of Real Housewives of Tittybong.  And since the dangers of stray animals doing the electric slide has been known for a long time, most of the power infrastructure we depend on has been devised to prevent as many of these kamikaze critter incidents as possible.

Things could always be worse.

Things could always be worse.

But to downplay the potential of deliberate. large scale attacks by people who want to be huge dicks simply because they don’t happen all that often is short-sighted even in the throw all logic out the window world of social and political commentary.  Making cyber security less vulnerable at all of our vital institutions we rely on should still be a huge priority, even if the human attackers in this case are actually less intelligent than the animals who accidentally crossed the streams.  It’s like stating that stadium security should be more worried about keeping fans from throwing their beer onto the field simply because it’s more common for that to happen than fearing some guy might show up with an AK-47 under his jersey intent on “improving” his team…

Don't be alarmed.  It was just a pissed off frog.

Don’t be alarmed. It was just a pissed off frog.

So when it comes down to the accusation that squirrels are the main force to be reckoned with in the cyber terrorism sector, we at The Nest calmly ask you to ignore the hype.  And no matter what the talking heads in our government or on our “news” channels may want you to believe… we need to instead recognize and prepare for the dastardly subversives who are a real threat to all we hold dear.  Yes, it’s time to round up all those evil frogs….

Help me!  Help me!!!

Help me! Help me!!!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrels In The News and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to When Squirrels Attack

  1. wow… I will hire some… we need bodyguards… they are the best, right?

  2. Merbear74 says:

    I knew someone who was into McDonaldland porn. Fancied Grimace if I recall…

  3. Blue62 says:

    I has the misfortune of prying one such unlucky squirrel off the lines once- we weren’t sure what to make of the trouble call at first. Poor little bugger got stuck around that big christmas ice storm in ’13, and hung around for a few months before the homeowner noticed and called the power company.

  4. Ally Bean says:

    Our power lines are all underground where I live so squirrel-y damage is limited. Better this way as it doesn’t even allow the little buggers to try and disrupt things… which, as you know, they live for.

  5. This is my favorite kind of faux facts. There’s just enough fact in it to give it a semblance of validity, but it’s a a syllogism. My favorite example syllogism goes as follows:

    A big elephant is big. A little elephant is little.
    A big squirrel is big. A little squirrel is little
    Therefore: A big squirrel is bigger than a little elephant.

    And that’s the way that the world goes round.

  6. noelleg44 says:

    The sad thing is that all those ‘attacks” usually result in a fried squirrel!

    • I know, the transformer in my backyard’s claimed two in the years I’ve lived here. I hold my breath every time I see them running above where the cable wires are attached to the pole out back… but they usually avoid instant electrocution.

  7. draliman says:

    Darn those frogs. Boing boing boing fizzzz meep bang. Blackout.

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