Rain In Vain


RAINY: DAMMIT!!!!  Is it ever going to rain around this god forsaken Shelf!?!?  Why do I have to be cursed to carry around a rain gauge all of my life in a place that’s never even seen the wet stuff!?!!?

Rainy logs off the weather site and stomps off along the perpetually dry land….



RAINY: You better shut that yapping up before I spray something that’ll keep your mouth closed!  Unless you know where I can find some rain, I don’t want to see…..

Inspiration strikes Rainy… in the fucked up Shelf Critter Theatre way.

RAINY: Hey, wait a minute!  You’re a dog, and dogs have a keen sense of smell!  I was wondering….. could you maybe lead me to somewhere it’s raining?

Fleabag hops up on his hind legs and kills any bugs crawling along the ground with his happily wagging tail.  The mangy mongrel turns around and begins sniffing the ground.  Fleabag is on the scent of rain!

RAINY: Wait up!  I’m right behind you!!!!


The wannabe bloodhound leads Rainy all over The Nest… sniffing out that elusive precipitation for the rain-thirsty skunk.  Fleabag climbs on to the comfy chair, stops and points…



Ody looks at the two critters disturbing his nap with hungry eyes….

RAINY: NO!!!  Bad doggy!!!  That is a mean old pussycat, and he doesn’t know where there’s any rain either.  Let’s get moving before we end up buried in the litter box…

Fleabag picks up the trail of rain again and leads his companion to another part of the room…



RAINY: What kind of a mutt are you that you can’t smell rain!?!?  That is a television, and it most definitely does NOT look like it’s raining in there.  And even if it was….

The determined dog picks up the scent once again and darts off before Rainy can finish chastising him.  It looks like there’s rain in…..


RAINY: The microwave!?!?  The only smell coming out of that unsafe contraption is from melted plastic!  You’re really not very good at this, are you?


The microwave door opens….


BUSTER: Well, hello there!  Sorry, but you’ll have to wait your turn… I need another 10 minutes on high power to cook thoroughly….

RAINY: Dog…. the only thing it’s been raining in this disgusting contraption is splattered food!

BUSTER: Naw, the inside’s just coated with possum guts from that time I overcooked and exploded.  It does gives your food a nice, greasy flavor when it drips in it…

Rainy slams the microwave door, sets the timer for six hours, and stares angrily at the unsuccessful Fleabag, who nevertheless continues the liquid search….


FLEABAG: (Standing on hind legs) BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

SNUGGLE: Oooooh, yeah.  That babe’s got some great laundry!  I better grab some more TP….. (puts the magazine down) GAHHHHH!!!!


SNUGGLE: DAMMIT!!!!  Can’t a bear get any privacy when he’s trying to shit in the woods!?!?

RAINY: This is NOT the woods!

SNUGGLE: The only skunk I want to be seeing in the restroom is the one on the urinal cakes!  What gives you the right to barge in…

RAINY: This stupid dog is trying to find me some rain…

SNUGGLE: Look, if you want rain, the bidet’s over there!  I’d advise against drinking from it, though, because the Troll was sitting on it yesterday to deep clean….

RAINY: Mutt!  Let’s get out of here before I get sick…


Fleabag leaves a parting gift before resuming his mission….

SNUGGLE: HEY!!!!  Don’t be tinkling on my throne!!!  You’re ruining my celebration of Thomas Crapper Day!  Everyone’s gonna think I can’t hit the toilet now…. hey, come back and clean this up you little PISSBAG!!!

Rainy and Fleabag escape the men’s room long before Snuggle Bear can finish wiping and catch them.  The frustrated skunkette follows the noseblind pooch once more, knowing he probably won’t lead her to rain this time either.  And she isn’t to be disappointed….


RAINY: The printer!?!?  What are you going to do…. print me out some rain?  Maybe make a few copies to save up for a sunny day?  What in the hell is wrong with you?  Did your mother drop you off the doghouse roof when you were a puppy?

The printer kicks into action with a lot of whirring and clicking.  A page emerges from the slot…

RAINY: You better not run this thing out of ink so I can’t print out my Justin Bieber tickets next week!  He’s got a good skunking coming!


RAINY: Da……. fuq!?!?

MITZI: YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!  It came out byootifully!!!!


RAINY: What kind of outlandish indecency is this!?!?

MITZI: It’s, like, totally my promotional photo from the bikini contest I kicked boo-tay in last week in Hawaii!  I’m gonna put it on my bedroom wall next to my life size Mitzi selfie!  Isn’t it purty?

RAINY: At least you didn’t go someplace where it rained…

MITZI: Lulz!  It, like, totally poured the whole time I was there!  That piccie was, like, taken in front of an Olan Mills background inside!  The ‘keeny contest got rained out, but the wet T-shirt contest….

RAINY: (Pulling her fur out of her head) You know how much I’ve wanted to fill my rain gauge!!!!  Why didn’t you bring me back some RAIN!?!?!?


MITZI: Want me to, like, wring out the Mitzkini I was wearing into your rain thingie?  Not like it holds much to begin with! Gigglesnort!  Maybe I can make nice again by autographing one of my pinups for you?  (Notices Fleabag humping her leg) Ooooh, hey puppy!  Wanna take Mitzi for walkies and give her a bone?

Rainy grabs the useless mutt by the tail and drags him away from the lewd bimbocorn.  She then prepares to scold Fleabag for wasting her time today…


RAINY: I’ve seen some pretty useless bundles of fur before, but YOU take the cake!  You couldn’t smell another dog’s ass if he sat on your nose and wiggled.  I’ll never find that rain I’ve longed for with your help…. why don’t you go play out in the traffic by the Chinese buffet!

Rainy turns to go home, leaving Fleabag to ponder his failure all by his lonesome…


When suddenly…..


Fleabag gets up, dancing and barking his little head off as the skies open up and rain pours down over him!  While Rainy’s impatience cost her a chance at collecting her first rain drops, at least the shelf’s favorite canine patsy can confidently say he knows how to find rain….

And trouble….


FUZZYWIG: Dammit you lousy mutt!  I’ve been out in this downpour since 4:20 looking for you!!!  And now you smell like wet dog, so you’ll be sleeping out in the muddy backyard tonight!  Now get moving!!!!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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15 Responses to Rain In Vain

  1. ody…..knot sure that waz yur “hungree” look ther dood !! 🙂 🙂

    heerz two a king oh de herringz kinda week oh end two ewe N biskit ~~~~~~~~ ♥♥♥

  2. Fleabag gets points for finally locating something wet other than Mitzi’s leg…….oh and I see you’re a fan of Cheez-Its “Toasties” too!


  3. Quirky Girl says:

    Creating rain with a printer? What a crazy idea. Of course it won’t work! Hmmm…I wonder if you could make rain with a 3D printer… 😛

  4. Poor Fleabag. He gots to be careful what he wishes for, ’cause he might get it.

  5. oh… then it was fleabag who brought the rain to me too? please dance vice versa buddy that it stops…

  6. draliman says:

    Poor Fleabag 😦
    Your microwave looks almost as gross inside as mine. I’m hoping it’ll break soon so I can get a new one and avoid having to try to clean it.

  7. Trisha says:

    Aw, poor Fleabag. Rainy should have had more faith in him. Dogs always seem to get what they want eventually, at least my spoiled pup does.

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