Mystic Unicorn


MITZI: Like, hey there all my peeps!  Welcome to Madame Mitzi’s Stable Of The Unknown!  You can, like, totally get one of my psychotic readings, have your future told, or get a sexual favor!  Madame Mitzi is open for business, like, 24-7-369 baby!  Come and pay Madame Mitzi a visit, and I guarantee you’ll see the stars!

The scene…. well, you can just imagine.  Madame Mitzi’s first customer comes strolling in…


MITZI: Well hello there little squirrely whirly!  What can Madame Mitzi do to, like, guide you to starvation or something?

SCRAT: I seem to have lost my nuts, and I was hoping your psychic powers could help find them for me again.

MITZI: Awwww, silly boy!  Madame Mitzi doesn’t need special powers to seek out nuts!  Like, look down between your legs!

SCRAT: That’s the problem, Madame Mitzi…. they’re not there anymore!!!


MITZI: Oh noes!  You poor widdow thing!  You have nothing to play with now!

SCRAT: Please, I’d give up this weekend’s drinking money to get my nuts back!

MITZI: Oh wait a minute… I think I’m picking up, like, a brain wave or something….. ah yes!  I’ve found them!  Madame Mitzi has located your nuts!  Here you go!


SCRAT: Ummmmm…. I don’t think these are….

MITZI: Aw, they’re totally you!  They’re big…

SCRAT: I’m going to be chafing myself on the tree bark with these things….

MITZI: …rough….

SCRAT: OK, OK, I’ll take them….

MITZI: (licking her lips) …. salty….

SCRAT: I get it!!! I’m outta h….

MITZI: …packed full of protein…..

Scrat bolts for the door, having to pause to readjust his new nuts in order to get through the opening.

Madame Mitzi’s next client strolls in…


FUZZYWIG: I heard you can tell the future by reading leaves…

MITZI: Oh totally!!!  I’m fresh out of, like, tea leaves though, so these will have to do…


MITZI: And I can see from the outline on this leaf that you have hemorrhoids, and your dog likes to poopoo in your yard!

FUZZYWIG: These are not the kind of leaves I was hoping to have read for me.  Don’t you have….. like…. the “good stuff?”

MITZI: Madame Mitzi’s always got the good stuff, little coonie cutie.

FUZZYWIG: I mean the kind of good stuff you can smoke.

MITZI: Oh, you can, like totally smoke these leaves!  Here, don’t knock it till ya try it!!


FUZZYWIG: (Puff…….. puff……..) Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, not bad.  How much do I owe you for the recreational yard waste?

MITZI: $4.20!

Fuzzywig pays for the “spiritual guidance” and goes on his mellow little way.  The next customer coughs and gags through the thick smoke on the way inside…


MITZI: YAYAYAY!  Little Sponkie……. um….. I never can tell you two apart.  Are you the boy or the grrl?

SPONKIE 2: I’m the girl.  My brother isn’t allowed around you anymore since my Ma caught him out in the stable trying to play Pin the “Tail” on the Bimbocorn with your signed pinup you gave him…


MITZI: Awwwwws!  I haz a new fan!

SPONKIE 2: We’ve already reported you to Chris Hansen.  But that’s not why I came by today… I want to know if a certain colt in my horse sense class has the same crush on me that I have on him!

MITZI: Hmmmmmm….. that totally sounds like a question for Madame Mitzi’s crystal ball!

Madame Mitzi stares intently into the ball….. frowning and shaking her head as she lifts it to deliver the terrible news.

MITZI: Very doubtful!

SPONKIE 2: What!?!?

MITZI: Like, see for yourself!


SPONKIE 2: That’s a Magic 8-Ball!  I can buy one of them at Mecca for a couple bucks!  It doesn’t know about my love life or anything else for that matter!

MITZI: It’s, like, never been wrong before!  Let me explain my crystal ball’s mystical……… oh wait, it says I better not tell you now, so you’ll just have to take Madame Mitzi’s word for it!

SPONKIE 2: You’re a phony just like that boob job you have underneath that skimpy robe!  I’m leaving!

The upset little sparklecorn girl storms out of the gypsy joint.  Madame Mitzi returns to streaming an episode of Real Housewives of Tittybong on her phone when what little concentration she has is broken by a sudden chorus of “Hail To The Chief”…


MITZI: Oh wowsies!  Like, Mr. President Poo!  Did you, like, need another hummer?

UNCLE SAM: I told you not to discuss that in public anymore!  Besides, I have a trophy wife perfectly capable of that now.  Now about why I’m here…

MITZI: (Gives her most pathetic pouty face) No sucky wucky?

SAM: Sigh, maybe later.  Right now I have important national business to decide that can only be solved with sound, astrological advice!  Tell me my horoscope!

MITZI: Let’s see… (Pulls out her phone and looks up the Stoner Astrologers)  you’re a Leo, right?

SAM: Not anymore.  I changed signs and now I’m a Gemini.

Mitzi goofs up and types “Stones” instead of “Stoner” into Google….

MITZI’S iPHONE: ♫ ♫“I rode a tank and held a general’s rank
When the Blitzkrieg raged, and the bodies stank!” ♫ ♫

SAM: Excellent!  Just the advice I needed!  Your country and your shelf thanks you, Madame Mitzi!


SAM: (Putting on his Michael Dukakis helmet) I knew I could count on Madame Mitzi for advice on how to deal with these rabblerousing ponies!  Now to claim that hummer…..

The next sucker to seek out Madame Mitzi just barely manages to avoid the Presidential motorcade…


MITZI: Skunky wunky!!!  What up, grrl?

RAINY: I was hoping you could tell me when it might rain in the future.

MITZI: Piece of cupcake!  (Mitzi gets out the phone again….)


MITZI: Party cloudy with a chance of dense smog.  High 69….

RAINY: I don’t want the weather forecast read to me!  That’s why I came to a psychic, you have a better chance of being right about the weather than the meteorologists!

MITZI: Oh…. then I see haze….. wait!  Reply hazy, try again!

RAINY: I don’t want any stupid weather advice from your Magic 8 Ball either!

MITZI: I got it!  How about consulting the Tare-ott cards!


RAINY: It’s pronounced tarot cards, and that’s not what those are anyway!

MITZI: Crapazoid!  I almost had a flush too!

RAINY: If this place didn’t already reek from that nasty incense you’re burning, I’d guarantee you there’d be a 100% chance of skunk spray in here!  I’m leaving!

Rainy takes her rain gauge and stomps out the door, slamming it into the face of Mitzi’s next poor soul seeking cosmic advice…


BUSTER: Hello there, ma’am!  I saw your advertisement for a free reading (Buster hands Mitzi the coupon that is frayed at the edges with gnaw marks) and was wondering if you could give me some insight into my future!

MITZI: Like, totally Mr. Possie Wossie!  Here, let Madame Mitzi take a look at that cute widdow paw of yours!

Buster holds out his garbage-stained paw and Mitzi begins reading his palm…

MITZI: OMG!!!  I don’t think Madame Mitzi has ever seen a life line so short before!  Death is totally stalking you at every corner like my ex-boyfriend!

BUSTER: Yikes!  Is there anything I can do about it?

MITZI: You’re in luck because I just happen to have a BFF who can help you!


SNUGGLE: Howdy there!  You, sir, look like the perfect candidate to try out my new service that is now available to the general public!  It’s the latest fad sweeping the nation!  Guaranteed to make a new possum out of you!

BUSTER: Sounds exciting!  What is it?

SNUGGLE: Direct cremation!!!

BUSTER: Isn’t that what they used to bring the California Raisins to life?  How does it work?

SNUGGLE: Glad you asked!


SNUGGLE: For the rock bottom price of $6900, I can solve your post-material troubles with the miracle of direct cremation!  Cash or credit please, absolutely no checks.

Buster hands over his Crittercharge card…

SNUGGLE: Excellent!  Now, allow me to demonstrate….

BUSTER: OK, this seems interesting….. hey, wait!  What are you doing….. NO!!!!!!  STOP!!!!  HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


MITZI: Oooooooh!  This is just like the Fourth of July!

BUSTER: My spleeeeeeeeeeennnnnn!!!!!

SNUGGLE: Don’t worry… Direct Cremation comes with a money back guarantee if you’re not satisfied!


MITZI: I’d say he looks pretty satisfied to me!

SNUGGLE: My work here is done!

MITZI: I don’t think so, teddy bear!  Madame Mitzi’s burning up as well!

SNUGGLE: Does that mean what I think it means, baby doll?

MITZI: Signs point to YES!!!

Ever want to create your own Shelf Critter Theatre scene?  No?  What if I bribed you with prizes?  Play the Fourth Annual Contest of Whatever and show me your wild and crazy side before the deadline on March 2nd!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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18 Responses to Mystic Unicorn

  1. oh yes… you can smoke all leaves… eggs-cept chestnut said the mama… that gives you the runs :o) can you tell me something about my future too please Madame Mitzi?

  2. Ally Bean says:

    Madame Mitzi is a nice edition to the show. She lends a certain credibility to Shelf Critter Theater that was heretofore missing. I look forward to her return from time-to-time.

  3. I’m ready for my reading, Mr. DeMille. I’m also ready to create something for you annual whatever you call it, but I can’t find the original link. If you might perchance be able to send me the link, I think I will have something for you competition before the weekend is out. Maybe I’ll produce the whole think while sort of watching the SuperBowl and hoping for a costume malfunction.

  4. Note that the number of typos in the previous message exceeds the number of sentences. You gotta give me props for that!

  5. Merbear74 says:

    Crapazoid, my new favorite word.
    Packed full of protein.

  6. Quirky Girl says:

    Wow! Madame Mitzi may well be better suited to guiding her clients to starvation rather than salvation. Although she did provide the squirrel with some dual-purpose nuts…

    Besides, it sure beats the direct cremation (a.k.a. paying for your own instant death) approach, as clever as that really was. 😛

    • My critters are a nice blend of completely stupid and ingeniously diabolical…. kind of like their keeper. So I have squirrels with peanuts, burnt possums, horny unicorns and creepy laundry product mascots!

  7. draliman says:

    Mitzie and Snuggle Bear are perfect together.
    At least she was right about Buster’s short lifeline, though it could be argued that she orchestrated his demise…

  8. Trisha says:

    I always suspected Snuggle Bear was capable of something like that! I keep looking at him, trying to figure out how a stuffed bear can look so sinister. At some point during these episodes of SCT, I started hearing Snuggle Bear’s voice as Danny DeVito’s but, in this episode, a squeaky higher pitched voice makes him more terrifying. I think I would have Snuggle Bear nightmares if he was in my house!

    Poor Rainy. She needs a trip to Washington. Her gage would fill up in no time.

    • But Snuggle Bear has that big, happy smile on his face all the time! And he’s so cuddly looking! And he’s……. got that…… ummmm…. where did he get that meat cleaver from?


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