TINA: What is it, Aunt Scratchy? I’m trying to take sexy selfies to post on Instagram!
SCRATCHY: What!? Who taught you how to do that!?!?
TINA: You, Aunt Scratchy! I learned it from watching YOU!!!
SCRATCHY: Errrr, nevermind. Here, I need you to take some things to Grandma’s house. She hasn’t been feeling well, and I can’t afford direct cremation if she kicks the bucket.
TINA: But Grandma lives all the way on the other end of the shelf!!! And why does her stuff have to be in a Christmas bag? It’s February!
SCRATCHY: It’s all we got in the prop closet. Speaking of overused props, take this with you to dance along to…
TINA: Aunt Scratchy! NO!!! This old fuddy duddy muzak sounds AWFUL!!!
SCRATCHY: There’s a hidden track on this cassette that I really think you’ll like. Here, have a listen….
TINA: OK, Aunt Scratchy, I guess that’s cool! I’m off to Grandma’s house!
SCRATCHY: Have a safe trip! And beware of the big bad critters of the forest!
Tina set off through the woods for her grandmother’s with Christmas bag full of goodies…
Tina ditches her aunt’s crappy cassette and brings up the latest Foalz Bop CD on her smartphone. She diddy-bops along, making sure to talk to all of the strange critters she passed on the way…
TINA: Heya, mister! What’s up?
FUZZYWIG: Oh, nothing. My stupid mutt just happened to get stuck in a tree, that’s all.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! HELP! BARK! BARK! BARK BARK!
TINA: I’ve never seen a puppy stuck up in a tree before? How did he get up there?
FUZZYWIG: Got treed by the Big Bad Bear, I guess. I think he’s better off up there. I’m going home, it’s almost time for my 4:20 treat….
Suddenly the heavens open up on the rascally raccoon…
TINA: Oh, wow! I’ll bet Rainy wishes she were here!
FUZZYWIG: (Shaking the dog pee out of his fur) That was NOT RAIN! And if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get some matches and burn down this tree!
TINA: But only you can prevent forest fires!
FUZZYWIG: Shut up, kid! You better get along before the Big Bad Bear comes after you too!
Tina picked up her bag and galloped along… unconcerned of all this talk about a Big Bad Bear. That is, until……….
SNUGGLE: Heeeeey there, Little Pink Cutie Hood! Wanna come behind the trees with me and play with my soft, fluffy b…
TINA: OMG! You must be the Big Bad Bear! Out of my way, Big Bad Bear! I’m on my way to Grandma’s house to deliver these get-well goodies, and nothing’s gonna stop me now!
SNUGGLE: Not even if I have a piece of candy?
TINA: (Thinks about it……..) Nope!
SNUGGLE: Awww, little girl! Won’t you be my Valentine?
TINA: Oh, please! I got more thoughtful cards from the boys in my third grade class that haven’t even been through puberty yet! You’re pretty lame for a fairy tale villain! Out of my way!!!
The fearless Tina marched right by the bad luck bear, who wasn’t about to give up without a fight…
SNUGGLE: No little runt’s gonna make a fool out of the Big Bad Bear like that! I’ll show her! I’ll get to Grandma’s house way before her by slipping through this portal in time and space…
Portals in Shelf Critter Theatre!?!? You’ve got to be kidding me…
SNUGGLE: No joke, Narrator Dude! Here I am at her front door now!
Snuggle Bear knocks on Grandma’s door…. where on the other side, the elderly unicorn is sitting in her rocking chair making amigurumi critters to sell on Ravelry…
MITZI: Ooooooooh, company!
BUSTER: Excuse me, ma’am. But shouldn’t you be using crochet hooks instead of nails on me?
MITZI: Like, that’s all we had in the prop closet, possie wossie. And I’m going to have to stuff you full of toilet paper once I get done sticking more nails in your belly…
The impatient Big Bad Bear knocks again…
MITZI: Oh! Like, come in!!!
SNUGGLE: HA HA HA!!! It’s me, the Big Bad Bear! Prepare to die!!!
MITZI: Oooooooh! Why, Big Bad Bear! What a big lump you have in your pants!
SNUGGLE: I’m going to……. wait, what!?!? Aren’t you afraid of all the awful things I’m going to do to you?
MITZI: Like, no way, Teddy Bear! I’m totally looking forward to it! You know you’re just dying to get into Grandma Mitzi’s Depends (Mitzi begins stripping)…
SNUGGLE: G-g-g- grandma! What big….. shouldn’t those be sagging?
MITZI: Not for how much I pay my plastic surgeon! Come to Grandma’s bed and give me a Big Bad Horsie Ride!
SNUGGLE: Wow, I never thought I’d be into GILFs…
MITZI: You were a beast, Big Bad Teddy Weddy! But it’s time for Grandma Mitzi’s stories now, so I’ll have to…
SNUGGLE: Hey wait a minute! I came by here to eat you up so I could lay a trap for your granddaughter!
MITZI: And I enjoyed being eated by you! But now….
Snuggle Bear leaps on top of Mitzi… tying her up, gagging her and throwing her in the bedroom closet….
SNUGGLE: yeah, I’ll bet you enjoy that, don’t you?
MITZI: Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmfffm mmffmfff!!!
SNUGGLE: I don’t have time to eat you before Tina shows up at your house, but I can take your place and trick her right into my belly!
Snuggle Bear gathers up Mitzi’s old nag clothes and hops into her bed, pulling the covers up to his neck. Only a fictional cartoon character would fall for such a shitty disguise…
SNUGGLE: Hey, you know what. I might have to try this cross-dressing thing out even when I’m not trying to eat little kids! It’s not too….
There’s a knock at the door…
SNUGGLE: Who’s th…. (Clears his throat to sound more like the grandmotherly unicorn Tina is expecting) Who’s there?
TINA: It’s Tina with some goodies from Aunt Scratchy to make you feel better!
SNUGGLE: Ah, come in child!
TINA: Grandma!!! Wow, Aunt Scratchy was right! You don’t look too good… and you’re speaking in a crappy falsetto!
SNUGGLE: Poor Grandma’s just about to ready to become a chew toy over the Rainbow Bridge, I’m afraid. Come closer, my child, and let Grandma get a good look at her little pony!
TINA: Oh my, Grandma! What big boogers you have in your nose! Let me get you a paper towel…
SNUGGLE: No, no, that won’t be necessary. Now dear…
TINA: Grandma! What big cavities you have in your mouth! Have you been flossing twice a day like you’re supposed to?
SNUGGLE: Grandma doesn’t have time to floss her tooth when she has to spend four hours a day on the phone with the Social Security office! Now I’m gonna…
TINA: Oh dear, I really hope it isn’t too late! Here, let me get your goodies out of the bag to help you feel better!
Tina turns to dig inside the gift bag, and the Big Bad Bear uses the opportunity to strike… throwing the covers aside and preparing to scoop the unicornlet up into his waiting mouth!!!
SNUGGLE: You’re gonna taste so good! I just wish I had some chileh sauce to pour on you first…
TINA: Here we are, Grandma! Just for you!
SNUGGLE: Huh? What’s that?
TINA: It’s your horse pill suppositories!!! We got them refilled for you so you wouldn’t have to drive yourself to Mecca and have another accident!
SNUGGLE: That’s nice dear, but….
TINA: And it’s time for your daily dose!!!
SNUGGLE: What!?!?!? No, look kid…. I’m not…..
Tina rolls the Big Bad Bear over on his side and take an extra large suppository out of the bottle…
TINA: Don’t fight it, Grandma! You know you need this medicine to maintain your colon health!
SNUGGLE: Dammit kid… WAIT!!! I’m not your Grandma! She’s locked up in the closet over there!!! I’m just……….
Upon having his backside plugged up with an equine-sized suppository, the Big Bad Bear let out the most pathetic yelp that’s ever echoed through the forest and took off out the door as fast as he could run with his cheeks clenched together. The once-feared bear disappeared out of sight was never seen around the shelf again…
Upon ridding the house of the ursine pest, Tina rescued Grandma Mitzi from the closet… undoing her bindings and making sure not to rip off too much botox from her lips when she removed the duct tape gag…
MITZI: Whew, you’re a total baby doll, Teeny Weeny! Did you bring Grandma Mitzi’s favorite medicine?
TINA: You mean your nerve medicine? You know it, Nana!
MITZI: Good grrl! Here, Grandma Mitzi’s always willing to share.
And so grandmother and granddaughter celebrated not being eaten alive, and enjoyed some quality bonding time getting plastered on 80 proof “nerve medicine.”
TINA: (Hic) That was good, Grandma! I’ll take the empty bottle to the recycling bin…
MITZI: Oh no, honey! Like, Grandma needs that to feel better too!
TINA: But Grandma! What are you going to do with an empty bottle?
Mitzi whispers in her grandfoal’s ear….
TINA: (Blushing) GRANDMA!!!!!
MITZI: Big Bad toys for Big Bad Grandmas, you know! (Hic!)