CHIP: Zac! Zac!?!? Are you alright!?!?
ZAC: Yessir! Never felt better in my life! I’m Ki-Yi-Yippie-Yippie-YAY A-OK!!!
CHIP: (Noticing the empty prescription bottle) Zac, how many of these Prozacs did you take!?!? The whole bottle!?!?
ZAC: Maybe! Maybe! Yep! Yep! Sure did! Mmm, mmm Good!!!!
CHIP: Zac! That’s not healthy! 30 Prozacs at a time….
ZAC: Thirty! LOL! Only thirty! Not quite!!!!
CHIP: Holy shit, Zac! That’s enough Prozac to make the entire nation of Bumfuckistan as happy as a camel on Wednesday! I’m pretty sure you’ve overdosed on it!
ZAC: Nope! I feel fine! Great! Awesome! Can you believe we got 47 more months of the Uncle Sam Administration to go! Woohoo!!!!
CHIP: OK, you’re definitely not feeling well! You’re not only suffering from Prozac poisoning, but you’ve exposed yourself to all of the terrible side effects as well!
ZAC: Nope! No side effects here! Unless you count the song in my heart and the sunshine shooting out of my ass!
CHIP: I’m serious, Zac! Here, look at all of the horrific symptoms that come along with that Prozac you gulped down…
CHIP: Are you feeling anxiety? Nervousness?
ZAC: Not me! No way! Great! Just great! I’m…… just about ready to explode from the inside out like a potato in the microwave!
FUZZYWIG: Dude, you need to quit taking that Big Pharma poison when you’re feeling down! I’ve got a better way to relax that will leave you feeling calm and mellow…
FUZZYWIG: Here, kid! Try some of this good stuff instead!
CHIP: Fuzzy! Zac’s already a pillhead! You shouldn’t be exposing him to illegal drugs…
FUZZYWIG: Hey, Sgt. Friday. This ain’t the 60’s anymore. This shit’s got a better rep than ciggies do right now.
CHIP: (Going back to reading his phone) Well, it’s not going to help with his Prozac induced loss of appetite…
FUZZYWIG: The hell it won’t!
FUZZYWIG: (Breaks out his emergency stash of chips) Man, I feel like I haven’t eaten since 4:20. So whaddaya say, kid? A couple fins for the whole bag…. deal?
ZAC: Wow! This looks great! But I spent all my cash on these pills, and…
FUZZYWIG: (Retrieves the baggie) You can’t toke if you’re broke. Enjoy your outrageous co-pays, schmuck…
Fuzzywig packs up shop and heads towards the elementary school to look for potential clients.
CHIP: Now anyway, back to those side effects. There’s dizziness, headache….
ZAC: What about hallucinations? I see POKEMON!!!
SHADOW: Greetings, gentlecritters!
CHIP: Shadow, what in the heck are you doing here? I’m pretty sure you didn’t have a part in this episode…
SHADOW: No, and I’m working out my lack of roles I’m getting in Shelf Critter Theatre with my agent. But in the meantime, I stopped by with an important announcement….
SHADOW: There’s only two weeks left, everyone! Get your entries in now!
ZAC: This contest makes me happy! So very happy!!!
SHADOW: My work here is done. (Shadow vanishes back into the ether)
CHIP: Seriously, we have to put up with commercials now? I thought all of the sponsors back out on SCT a long time ago. Now, let’s go over the rest of these side effects. There’s diarrhea…
BUSTER: I have a bad case of diarrhea!
ZAC: That’s great! My diarrhea makes me happy too!
CHIP: Jesus H, guys! T-M-I!!!
BUSTER: I’ve got a some great medication for dealing with diarrhea, little friend! See this pill?
ZAC: Wow! That’s a big pill! Gigantic! YUGE!!! Too big to swallow!
BUSTER: It doesn’t do anything for your runs if you swallow it! You use it to plug yourself up! (Buster bends over) See!
CHIP: Buster, that’s disgusting! And also completely unhealthy!
BUSTER: Not at all! I’ve had the possum trots for four weeks now, and haven’t had to hit the toilet once since I put this….
The bloated possum begins to rumble fiercely….
ZAC: Oooh! Look! Tremors! Side effect of Prozac!
CHIP: (Pulling Zac away from Buster) Take cover! He’s gonna BLOW!!!!!!!!
And blow Buster did………
CHIP: I don’t get paid enough to deal with this….
Snuggle Bear rides along in his Hazmat suit to plow up the piles of possum guts. There is a three hour break in filming as the set is thoroughly scrubbed with Clorox and Massengill to remove all potential biohazards.
CHIP: Well, that unfortunate incident took care of the nausea side effect. Now we need to look at the rest of…
RAINY: Wipe that smile off your face, Mister!!!
ZAC: Howdy there! Lovely weather we’re having today!
RAINY: It is NOT lovely weather! It hasn’t rained on this shelf since the ark that had all the intelligent critters on it got run into that reef by Noah Hazelwood a million years ago! I am not amused by dry weather, and neither should you be!
ZAC: (Singing) Sunny days! Sweeping the….. CLOUDS AWAY!!!!
RAINY: I’ll turn that shit eating grin of yours upside down, Mr. Pollyanna!
CHIP: Rainy! No! He’s a sick squirrel! Just leave, please…. we just got the Shelf decontaminated once already….
Rainy douses Zac with a lethal dose of her powerful nasal spray…
RAINY: Maybe that will teach you not to go ruining everyone else’s day with your never-ending cheerfulness!
ZAC: Thank you, ma’am! May I please have another!
RAINY: What the…. but how can you still be happ….GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Rainy stomps off in her usual huff at being unable to break the medically induced smile on Zac’s face.
CHIP: (Turning on a fan to clear the air) I’m beginning to think I need to hire Shadow’s agent…
ZAC: What a great day this has been! Awesome! Wonderful! Stusplendiforous!
CHIP: Right, but maybe you won’t act so giddy when you find out what the final side effect of Prozac is…… decreased libido!
CHIP: What? No way! But I’m healthy and happy and………… ummmmm…… (Zac’s perma-smile begins to deflate into a worried frown) Oh no! I’m not in the mood! What will I do? It’s fallen, and it can’t get up!
MITZI: Awwww, I can help you with that little squirrely whirly!
CHIP: (Facepawing his forehead) Sight, this can’t possibly end well…..
ZAC: I’m afraid my nuts have become permanently buried. The sex drive just came down with a virus and crashed… 😦
MITZI: LOL! Here, let Mitzi, like, reboot that for you!
Mitzi kisses Zac, and when their lips part, the huge smile is back on the squirrel’s face.
ZAC: Thanks! I need that!
MITZI: Now it’s time to give ol’ Mitzi what she needs! I hope a few of those bottles you emptied had little blue pills in them!
The lusty bimbocorn pounces the squirrel, who is now suffering from an overdose of unicorn love, and many lewd and indescribable scenes take place in front of the exasperated Chip…
Chip takes this time to break the fourth wall, not that Shelf Critter Theatre could afford to build a fourth wall in the first place…
CHIP: Ladies and gentlemen in the audience, please accept my heartfelt apology for what you just witnessed today. And last Friday. And the Friday before that. And….. well, I know you really have high expectations for the quality of your entertainment, and I realize that Shelf Critter Theatre has failed miserably to deliver that to you. Exploding possums, spraying skunks, (Herbal Essences-like sounds coming from the background threaten to drown out Chip’s soliloquy) sigh… slutty unicorns. The fucked up behavior of my friends here has gone on long enough, and it’s more than any of you should have to tolerate. While I can do nothing to save my co-stars from themselves, I can lift myself up above the fray and promise you that I’ll never subject myself to participating in these disgusting shenanigans that have no place on this blog….
ZAC: Hey Chip!
CHIP: (Turns back around) Good grief, Zac! I was afraid you’d smothered under the silicone!
ZAC: Quit verbally ejaculating to the audience and come over here and get some of this! It’ll make you happier than ten bottles of Prozac, and the side effects only last for four hours!
CHIP: That overdose must have made you delirious! I’ll call for help…
MITZI: Come on, Chippy Wippy… (flashes a killer wink) three’s never a crowd with Mitzi!
CHIP: Well, if you can’t beat ’em…..
ZAC: This is gonna be AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MITZI: I’m OK! You’re OK! We’re all OK! YAYAYAYAY!!!!!
Mitzi the Bimbocorn…… use only as directed!