Beware Of Squirrel

You feeling lucky..... PUNK!?!?

You feeling lucky….. PUNK!?!?

As you’ve no doubt realized if you dare to even walk out your front door, our country has been turning into a cesspool full of dangerous criminals who have the few innocent citizens that remain in a constant state of fear that they will become the next victim of senseless violence.  This crime epidemic is no longer just the problem of large cities whose politicians are more focused on getting tax increases passed to build billion dollar sports stadiums rather than worry about the river of blood flowing in their streets.  No place is safe from the bad guys these days, not even places that nobody has ever heard of before like Meridian, Idaho.

You won't be smiling when you see some hooligans just took off with your car while you were posing for that selfie...

You won’t be smiling when you realize some hooligans just took off with your car while you were posing for that selfie…

Yes, Idaho!  Land of potatoes and………… um, more potatoes.  And of course, brazen burglars who strike in broad daylight and even with two feet of snow on the ground.squirrelsinnews

According to this story reported by KIVI-TV, two weeks ago mild mannered Adam Pearl came home and noticed some suspicious tracks in the snow.  Adam entered the front door and was immediately greeted by a feisty squirrel… which would only be unusual if you were one of the many foolish people out there who didn’t keep a squirrel for a pet as Adam did.  Meet the ever adorable Joey…

You'd love to come home to this face every day.... admit it.

You’d love to come home to this face every day…. admit it.

Joey had a story to tell his master, but since Google somehow hasn’t come out with a Squirrel to English translator yet, Adam was forced to discover what happened on his own.  Sure enough, those suspicious footprints combined with the scratches he found around the lock on his gun safe made it obvious that an uninvited guest had been snooping around before he got home.  Adam called the police, and they sent out crack investigator Ashley Turner…

Apparently, it was Deputy Fife's day off.

Apparently, it was Deputy Fife’s day off.

Officer Turner was conducting her routine investigation when Joey made his presence known to her by playing around her ankles.  Fortunately for both Adam and Joey, Officer Turner had the presence of mind to ask questions first before just reflexively going for her service revolver.  When asked if Joey was a biter, Adam had this great reply: “He usually doesn’t bite but you never know cause he is a squirrel.”  We at The Nest are tired of this negative sciurine stereotype being perpetuated by ignorant humans who refuse to interact with the furry species, and would like to make it clear once and for all that a squirrel will never bite you, unless that’s the kind of thing you’re into…

Unicorns love to be nibbled on...

Unicorns love to be nibbled on…

Using some untold Law and Order type deus ex machina that is unreported in this story, Officer Turner managed to track down the suspect within hours, and that’s when the other half of Joey’s exciting story he had to tell finally came to light.  You see, that petty crook picked the wrong house to try stealing from.  The entire time the thief was pocketing things and trying to use his mother’s hairpin to get into Adam’s gun safe, Joey was scratching the ever-loving hell out of his sticky fingers!  The “damn thing kept attacking me and wouldn’t stop until I left” the burglar admitted before he was hauled off to the slammer…

Never mess with a squirrel's domain.

Never mess with a squirrel’s domain.

So Joey, it turns out, was a hero.  Not that it should really be surprising that a squirrel would attack someone who was trying to get inside a gun safe… squirrels have a pretty solid case for fearing guns.  But regardless of his motivation, Joey can now be recognized as the world’s very first guard squirrel!  Yeah…. you can keep your pit bulls, your rottweilers, your expensive alarm systems that only go off when you’re walking to the kitchen to get a beer at 3 in the morning.  Thanks to the fearless actions of Joey, guard squirrels are now the trendy security must-have for every concerned American’s household!

A good guard squirrel will even scare those evil trick or treaters off your porch.

A good guard squirrel will even scare those evil trick or treaters off your porch.

The Nest would like to extend a congratulatory paw bump to Joey for scoring a minor victory for the good guys, while making the bad guys think twice before raiding a home with no barking dog.  And for going above and beyond the call of duty to help keep his oversized nest safe, we’d like to send a giant carton of Whoppers to Meridian as a reward for taking a literal bite out of crime.  Yes, Adam says Whoppers malted milk balls are Joey’s favorite treat.  Squirrels may be really awesome critters… but even with bushy tailed heroes, there is sometimes no accounting for taste…

No, there is another...

No, there is another…


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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31 Responses to Beware Of Squirrel

  1. Such a cute, vicious attack squirrel! I need one, I’ve just got a couple softy dogs to protect my place, I may as well leave the door open. Haha
    Great post.😁

  2. They kind of terrify me since they ate through my cable…not once…but twice. Who knows what else they are capable of? 🤣

    • That reminds me of the last time I had the cable guy out because my internet connection was so spotty. He was in my computer room complaining about all the “squirrel chew” he found on the wires apparently oblivious to the massive collection of squirrel paraphernalia I had all around him! They didn’t turn out to be the problem, though, and apparently don’t find my wires all that tasty. Or maybe they know who feeds them!

  3. Joey the Guard Squirrel…….even the occasional crate of Whoppers would be cheaper than paying a security service!!


  4. Joey, oh Joey, better rthan a dog. Lovely story, but not for burglers.

  5. JackieP says:

    Do you know I don’t have any squirrels living near me!? I want one! Or two, or three… We have too many hawks for squirrels to live around here. 🙂 But yay for the squirrely security guard!

  6. ody & biskit……ya noe, thiz storee total lee rocked !!!!!! 984 paws up two ewe Joey !!! 🙂 ♥♥♥

  7. Okay, in the land of animals that make our world safe:

    Geese are big. A flock of geese can nail almost anyone by pecking them to death and don’t think it won’t happen to you 🙂

    Sheep. I know. Sheep aren’t the brightest bulbs in treetop, but surprising, a properly raised sheep that is convinced he is a dog turns out to be a whopping good guard dog. They can even bark. No, really. They can.

    Parrots. A big parrot can tear your ear off and keep flying. Slows most people down a bit.

    And now, finally — A SQUIRREL! Yay! Not merely an up the tree kinda guy, neither. An in-the-house kind of guy. Way to go, squirrel.

    Don’t feel too bad about the biting thing. One of our dogs is more or less in the same place, though mostly, he just looks depressed and doesn’t bother to bite.

    • It looks like the best security system is to have a menagerie of animals with you. Too bad I only have cats…. they’d just lay around and probably even help the thieves get stuff out of my house out of spite…

  8. markbialczak says:

    That’s a great tail, Bill. Tale. Story.

  9. Ally Bean says:

    I missed this story completely. It’s a great one. Move over security alarm companies, there’s a new way to keep burglars at bay!

    • It must have gone semi-viral, because while I was trying to find a squirrel+Whoppers image I noticed some people have already memed-up the Joey screenshot from the article’s embedded video. The billion dollar alarm company consortium may be trying to kill the story, though…

  10. Quirky Girl says:

    Squirrels sound like the perfect guard pets! They’re small and unassuming, yet as Joey just proved, a burglar is simply no match for a squirrel gone loco. 😄

  11. Awwww, Joey! I’m so glad he didn’t get hurt while fighting off the bad guy. The jerk could’ve hurt the little guy. Way to go, Joey!

    • I guess the thief was afraid to try and fight back against a squirrel. I’m not sure I’d know what to do if one of the buggers decided to attack me while I was taking its picture…

  12. Joey, time to ask for a pay rise and bonus.

  13. draliman says:

    Nice one, Joey! The squirrel in the top picture looks like he’s going to kick Grasshopper’s ass too.

    • That’s my army squirrel who was a day late and a dollar short when it came to stopping my air conditioner thief three years ago. If I had Joey on guard back then, I’d still have……. well, why am I complaining? I needed a new AC anyway….

  14. Piglove says:

    Well they do have the trunk monkey. I’m thinking squirrels are the next psycho ninja kicking anipals to take charge. They are tired of everyone messing with their nuts. XOXO – Bacon

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