TWILIGHT: Good evening everyone out there in Blogland! I’m Twilight alongside crack fashion and verbal diarrhea expert Applejack… and this is the 2017 Golden Squirrels Red Carpet Show!
AJ: Howdy, y’all! Can we talk?
TWILIGHT: Maybe later, AJ. The biggest stars of Shelf Critter Theatre will soon be on display as they enter the Top Shelf Auditorium and Soup Kitchen for this year’s Golden Squirrel Awards!
AJ: Yep, this is the perty trophy that honors the Theatre’s most fucked up stars of the past year. Hey, Sugarcube, can we say “fucked up” on the air like that?
TWILIGHT: Damn fucking straight we can, AJ. This ain’t an awards show for virgin ears. Now let’s turn our attention to the red carpet, where….. um, AJ. Do you notice something wrong?
AJ: Are one of my nips poking out my overalls again?
TWILIGHT: No…. I mean the carpet. It isn’t red…. and it isn’t even carpet! In fact, I think that’s…..
TWILIGHT: Toilet paper!!!!
LUIGI: Hey…. uh, what canna I say? Ze prop departament arounda here is kinda lame, a ya know?
AJ: You think the biggest celebrities on the Shelf will mind walking on shit paper?
TWILIGHT: Given some of the trash they’re being honored for, I’d actually say it’s fitting. Well, it looks like our first star is on the way to the front door dodging the photographers, autograph hounds and stray gunfire to make his way into the show…
AJ: Ummmmmm…. who is that?
TWILIGHT: That’s George the unicorn, who believe it or not appeared in the very first scene of SCT last October and has never been heard from again.
AJ: I guess fame is fleeting when everyone mistakes you for the little brother of Mitzi.
TWILIGHT: And to keep the equine theme going, here comes the Shelf’s favorite couple Rainbow Donkey and Sparklepony!
SPARKLEPONY: They’d best be getting my best side.
RD: Every side of you looks good, Honeybunch.
SPARKLEPONY: Shut up! All that flattery isn’t going to make up for that horrible scene you’re being honored for tonight!
SPONKIE 2: (Cheap child labor behind the camera) Hi Mom!!!!
AJ: Well, doesn’t that just butter your biscuits to see such a happy couple like that!
TWILIGHT: Well…. what do we have here?
TWILIGHT: Princess Luna and Uncle Sam were bitter rivals in Episode 2, yet here they come walking on the red carpet together. Perhaps they don’t hate each others guts after all.
LUNA: I can’t believe a goddess of such dignity as I am made a bet like this on a rigged election…
UNCLE SAM: I won, so you had to come with me to the Awards as my date. If you’d have won, I’d be demonstrating products at your next mares only party. You’re an honorable nag if not classy…
AJ: I’d expect The Prez is gonna hear a lotta hollerin’ from the other stars tonight.
TWILIGHT: Yes, and maybe even before the show starts because it looks like a protester just appeared out of nowhere on the carpet! What does that say on his sign?
SAM: You don’t look like you’re from around these parts!
SHADOW: I’m not… and your silly walls and travel bans can’t stop my black magic. I’m going to continue to do whatever it takes to get the word out about The Contest of Whatever. There are only six entries so far, and you only have another six days to create your own for a chance to win fabulous prizes!
Uncle Sam’s Secret Rent-a-Cop Service tries to jump the Umbreon to remove him from the carpet, but he disappears in a puff of smoke before they can even get their billy clubs out.
TWILIGHT: Well, now that the excitement is over… here comes the night’s special honoree, Buster!
AJ: Buster’s being given the Lifetime Achievement Award for setting the all time record for most movie deaths without wearing a red shirt in a career!
TWILIGHT: Yes, I believe Buster has now perished 87 times while filming an episode of SCT….
Loud engine noises are heard as a car suddenly breaks through the cheap plastic barricades and Tokyo drifts right onto the red carpet….
BUSTER: My…. spleen….
AJ: Make that 88 times now…
SNUGGLE: What up, bitches?
TWILIGHT: Have some common courtesy when addressing members of the celebrity gossip media!
SNUGGLE: Shit, I’m a fucking star now! I’m making more jack and banging more chicks than I was when I was pitching that shitty fabric softener years ago! I’ve got tiger blood, baby! #WINNING
AJ: Look what you did to Buster on his big night!
The wild teddy bear scoops up the flattened possum and loads him in the car.
SNUGGLE: I’ll throw him on stage when he gets his award and thank some random people… then toss him in the dumpster and hock his Golden Squirrel for some post-show blow and prostitutes! Hasta!
Snuggle Bear’s car goes from zero to ninety in 6.9 seconds as he makes a grand entrance into the auditorium… running over Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber in the process…
AJ: Looks like Buster will be gettin’ that award posthumously again…
TWILIGHT: He may be glad he’s dead once the music starts up…
AJ: Is that the awards show DJ with that awful muzak again!
SCRATCHY: Hey! It got nominated for best original soundtrack, OK!
TWILIGHT: That’s because it’s been the ONLY soundtrack to Shelf Critter Theatre. We really need a new musical director…
AJ: Following her aunt on the carpet is SCT’s biggest child star Tina, strutting along with an entourage of horny male groupies…
LITTLEST: Wait for meeeeeeeee!!!!!
TWILIGHT: You just have to love nepotism, don’t you.
MITZI: Yoooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Mitzi’s in da house!!!!!!!
TWILIGHT: Here comes everyone’s favorite bimbocorn Mitzi along with….. is that St. Nick?
SANTA: Hey, I got nominated in the holiday category! That’s worth leaving the Costa Rica beach house for. Once I sweep those awards and Mitzi cleans up in the Best Use Of Spread-eagle In A Sex Scene category, Me and the pink pill here are gonna be after-partying in the back of my sleigh tonight!
MITZI: Ooooooh, Santa Baby! Is that a yule log in your pants, or are you…
AJ: Speaking of pants… are you wearing anything other than those cheap Mardi Gras beads, Mitzi?
MITZI: Like totally! (Mitzi rolls over) Lookie!!!!!
TWILIGHT: Oh geez, I hope this is on tape delay…… like, a 300 year tape delay.
AJ: Leave those umbrellas at home, because here comes our next celebricritter!
TWILIGHT: There’s no chance of anyone getting wet tonight with Rainy in attendance. She’s been nominated for Best Use Of Useless Props and Worst Nasal Effects…
RAINY: Damn paparazzi! Why don’t you leave me alone!
TROLL: Hey, I’m just doing my job, OK. TMZ exposés keep TV dinners on my table!
RAINY: You mean like that photo you sold them of me doing a naked rain dance in the privacy of my backyard last month!
TROLL: Yeah man… I even had to keep a print of that for myself to hang in the bathroom!
RAINY: The only thing I hate more than not being rained on is being spied on by preverts with cameras! Make sure you get a good shot of THIS!
AJ: It’s official… the Golden Squirrels really do stink.
TWILIGHT: No sense clearing the air of that skunk spray, because we’re about to add the aroma of skunk weed on top of it…
FUZZYWIG: I hope I’m not late! Nobody should schedule an awards show for 4:20…
AJ: Hey Fuzzy! Where’s your co-star at?
FUZZYWIG: Shhhhhhhh!!!! Don’t even mention him! I don’t want him showing up and ruining….
FUZZYWIG: Sigh…… everything.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! NO AUTOGRAPHS PLEASE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: I thought five locks and an anchor chain would be enough to keep you from leaving the yard!
TWILIGHT: You can’t keep Fleabag away! He was nominated for more Golden Squirrels than any other critter was!
FUZZYWIG: You wanna see why I tried to make him stay home…
Fleabag tears into the “red carpet” and begins to shred it into pieces.
FUZZYWIG: Bad dog! And I assure you when we get home, it won’t just be the Pad of Shame!
Fleabag lifts his hind leg…
AJ: Welp, it looks like the red carpet has now just become the yellow carpet…
FUZZYWIG: That’s it…. time to pick up where that fly-by-night obedience school left off.
Fuzzywig picks up the Golden Squirrel statue on display for the pre-awards show and whacks Fleabag over the head with it. This results in chaos as the crowd in attendance jumps the barricades and begins beating Fuzzywig senseless for harming his dog.
TWILIGHT: I think we better sign off now before the SWAT team and PETA protesters start showing up. We hope you enjoy the Golden Squirrels tonight… unless the network thinks better of it and pre-empts them with another thrilling rerun of Cop Rock.
AJ: Y’all come back now, ya hear!