ZAC: (Proudly holding his Golden Squirrel trophy for Best Up And Coming Critter) Wowza! This is effin’ AWESOME! I WON! I WON! I WON!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY ME!!!!! I’d just like to thank a few critters who made this totally tubular award possible!!!
The audience, who has already been kept four hours too long by the horrifically over-schedule show, groans loudly as Zac’s list of thankees rolls out to eternity…
ZAC: I’d like to thank the makers of Prozac! My Mom! Dad! Uncle Grumpy! Nutjob the bully who’d beat me up after school! My ex……
FUZZYWIG: That’ll be enough, thank you.
Fuzzywig “hooks” Zac, who continues to spew out names of random critters in rapid fire succession all the way out the back door and into the alley…
FUZZYWIG: Alright ladies and gentlecritters…. I know it’s almost 4:20 in the morning, but I promise that this next award will be the final one of the evening. It honors the best entry in Evil Squirrel’s Fourth Annual Contest of Whatever, which featured amateur filmmakers showing the moron who runs this circus just how Shelf Critter Theatre should be done. And here to present the Golden Squirrel for Best Picture of the 2017 Contest of Whatever…. please welcome two of the biggest stars of the series…. Mitzi the Bimbocorn and Snuggle Bear!!!
SNUGGLE: Hey everyone out there! How’s it hangin’? The Golden Squirrel for Best Picture of the Contest of Whatever honors the blogger who…
FUZZYWIG: Hold on! Wait a minute! What happened to Mitzi?
SNUGGLE: (Looks down) Hey dear… all the adoring little critters out there want to see your smiling face.
Mitzi crawls out from underneath the podium and flashes a shit-eating grin and a fake wave at the audience. Snuggle pulls the fancy hanky out of his tuxedo T-shirt pocket…
SNUGGLE: You still have a little on your chin, Mitz!
MITZI: Ooooooh, snacks for later! Thank you, Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear!
SNUGGLE: No…. Thank YOU Mitzi darling! Now anyway, back to this stupid award. We had nine wonderful bloggers who responded to our call for Shelf Critter Theatre tributes, and now it’s time to see…
SNUGGLE: Seriously, dude? The contest is over!
SHADOW: What do you mean it’s over?
SNUGGLE: It’s March 3rd! The contest is done! Finished! Old news! We’re presenting the award for the best entry right now! The expiration flag just popped up on your lame running gag…
MITZI: Oooooooooh, Umbies have the cutest little black booties! (Mitzi gooses Shadow)
SHADOW: That’s odd…. I feel a strange sensation in my Pokeballs…
SNUGGLE: Would you mind teleporting your unicorn seducing ebony ass out of here so that stupid sign quits blocking my best side!
Shadow disappears, Mitzi’s front hooves still cupped where Umbreon buns once were…
SNUGGLE: So anyway….. here is a poorly made montage of all nine official entries in the 2017 Contest of Whatever. (The lights dim and the curtains behind the two presenters part to reveal a 19 inch Zenith boob tube television with aluminum foil covered rabbit ears sitting on a table) Please get yourself some popcorn and whiskey and enjoy these terrifically fucked up short films!
FUZZYWIG: Will someone go up to the production room and find out why that no-good flunky we hired off the streets doesn’t have the video queued up!
The sound of Troll balls being ripped off by the Golden Squirrels security staff can be heard in the distance… and shortly afterwards, the footage begins to roll as planned.
These are the submissions the Golden Squirrels Academy received for the 2017 Contest of Whatever. You are encouraged to please click on the links provided to check out all of these wonderful works in their entirety if you have not done so already….
Entry #1 – “The Best Laid Plans” by Jenn’s Midlife Crisis:
Chloe the clever cavy is a supervillain whose goal to take over the world is thwarted by the stereotypical inept assistant as well as an extremely cheesy metrosexual. Will this finally be the day Chloe’s evil plans actually work?
Entry #2 – “Grandpaw’s Story” by Draliman:
Grandpaw relives his old war days fighting in the Furry Unified Combat Troop (F.U.C.T.) to the grandpups, and plenty of the black comedy Draliman is known for ensues. This film may be nominated for Best Use of Cheesy Visual Effects as well…
Entry #3 – “To Sir Paul With Love” by Merbear:
Poor, poor pitiful Pinky the Unicorn is drowning her troubles in the drain of despair. Can Sir Paul talk her out before she gets washed down with all of the toothpaste and loose armpit hair?
Entry #4 – “Distressed Damsel” by Franhunne:
Mother Goose and her seafaring crew receive a distress call from Bowie the dragon girl, who has been kidnapped by the evil pirate Captain Hardhat and is being forced to clean their cat toilets and hairballs! This musical play is full of odd twists and turns…
Entry #5 – “It Takes a Village” by Trisha:
Everyone has problems of their own. But are they really more important than to find a loving home for this poor, orphaned creature? I mean just look at him! Awwwwwww…..
Entry #6 – “Scary Monsters!” by Da Phenny:
It’s any dog’s worst nightmare… scary monsters pretending to be the Overlook Twins! How will Phenny deal with these stupid monsters? Probably exactly the way you’d expect him to. Make sure not to head for the exits before the credits roll on this horror blockbuster!
Entry #7 – “A Bloody Murder” by Ladybuggz:
What happens when a One Eyed Flying Hummer on a winged pig accidentally runs into a big balled spineless bear? Chaos. Absolute fucking chaos!
Entry #8 – “Vampire Diary” by Juliette:
Vlad and his BFF Randolfo drop by a party at an old castle many centuries ago and run into a wide variety of assorted characters and caricatures…. and unfortunately, vampire hunters and an evil hellhound. Will our fanged heroes survive to see another night?
The Bonnie and Gibbs Gang is wreaking havoc in the furry Old West, and there seems to be no hope for an end to their reign of chewing terror. Can some old fashioned dog treat diplomacy stop this senseless violence against critters in its tracks?
SNUGGLE: Well, wasn’t that just a lovely menagerie of menageries?
MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally got all weepy eyed! Is my mascara running?
SNUGGLE: No, but be careful not to bite that lip too much or your botox will start leaking again. Well, now that you’ve seen the nominees…. it’s time for the BIG MOMENT! Let’s find out who’s taking home the big, shiny Golden Squirrel here!
SNUGGLE BEAR: (Ripping open the envelope with his sharp teeth) And the winner for Best Picture of the 2017 Contest of Whatever is……………………………….
SNUGGLE and MITZI: MOONLIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!
The orchestra fires up and the crowd cheers loudly as the winner is announced!
FUZZYWIG: Hold it, STOP EVERYTHING!!!!
The orchestra and the cheering crowd come to a screeching halt as DJ Scratchy pulls the needle off the sound effects record that’s being piped into the arena…
FUZZYWIG: I’m half stoned out of my mind right now, and even I know that can’t be right! Moonlight wasn’t even a nominee for the award! How could it have won!?!?
SNUGGLE: You better take a good look at this here card that was in the envelope, Fuzzface!
FUZZYWIG: What in the hell is going on here!?!? Who was responsible for handing out the envelopes tonight!?!? Someone has a LOT of explaining to do!!!
“HE DID IT!!!!!!!”
LITTLEST: (Acting all innocent) Did NOT!!!!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Oh, geez! Not you little troublemakers again! How did you incorrigible brats end up in charge of the envelopes?
CHILD 1: Well, you see… Evil Squirrel fired the accounting firm of Ody and Biskit this year!
CHILD 2: Yeah, and he couldn’t afford to hire any real accountants take their place.
CHILD 3: So he turned to us since we all get C-minuses (mostly) in math class!
CHILD 4: And we took the job and gave all the work to Pipsqueak here since he’s the brains of the outfit!
FUZZYWIG: (Sternly looking at the baby squirrel) Well………..?????
LITTLEST: Errrrr….. you see….. I had all the envelopes made up and all tucked away in my Trapper Keeper to bring to the show tonight. Ummmm…. but on the way here, I got attacked by this real mean, vicious mongrel and he ATE the Best Picture winner! Luckily, I found that envelope there discarded out on the back lot, so I substituted it and hoped nobody would notice!
FUZZYWIG: We need that real Best Picture winning envelope! Where is this mean, vicious…… oh, for fuck’s sake, don’t even tell me. I already know………..
FLEABAG: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK BARK LAND! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: Now we’ll never know who really won the Contest of Whatever! And thanks to this royal screw up, we’ll probably all get fired…
SNUGGLE: Well if I’m getting canned, then I’m going out in a blaze of glory!
Snuggle Bear hops on his trusty partner’s back…
MITZI: Oooooooh! I love getting canned in the can!
SNUGGLE: Let’s ride off into the sunset and go rob a few banks, Mitzi!
MITZI: BANG! BANG! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tune in Sunday as the winner of the 2017 Contest of Whatever will be announced for reals!!!!