SNUGGLE: Awesome! The script for this week’s Shelf Critter Theatre episode is here! I’m sure I have the biggest part…
RAINY: I do hope I get to spray someone new this week… I’ve been saving up a truly nasty one that would fill my rain gauge up with the victim’s tears.
ZAC: Oh boy! This is great! Terrific! I hope I’m in it, I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope!
FUZZYWIG: Your lines are right there, Dude…. Act 4, Scene 20. You play a spaz, whooda guessed…
ZAC: That’s great! YAY! But I can’t read!!!
TROLL: This is utter BULLSHIT!!!!
TROLL: I’m eating Buster’s dead carcass in my scene because I’m starving to death!?!? Man, I’m fucking tired of having to play the deadbeat and the loser!
SNUGGLE: It’s called good casting, Hairball!
TROLL: No, this is NOT what I took those acting classes for at Bottom Shelf Community College and Day Care!
FUZZY: Didn’t you drop out of acting school for refusing to play Sloth in The Goonies?
TROLL: Doesn’t matter…. I’m a trained, professional thespian who shouldn’t have to resort to getting nothing but lousy roles in some third rate production like this!
Troll crumples up the script and tosses it over his shoulder, where Fleabag happily relieves himself on it…
TROLL: I’m not going to put up with being assigned shitty parts every week! I’m gonna go give the boss a piece of my mind!
RAINY: The BOSS!?!?
FUZZYWIG: You m…m…. mean……… HIM!?!?!?
TROLL: Yes. The BIG SQUIRREL!
SNUGGLE: Dude! Forget it! Man, no critter’s ever had the balls to go up to Evil Squirrel’s office and tell him anything! You’ll end up having to clean out all the johns with a cottonball for the rest of your life!
TROLL: Oh, I’m sure that’s in next week’s script. When I get through chewing that no good squirrel out, I’ll start getting top billing and maybe even one of those cool director’s chairs with my name on the back of it…
RAINY: Nobody has ever even seen Mr. Squirrel before! You’re going face to face with…. GOD!
FUZZYWIG: You’re making a biiiiiig mistake, pal…
The hapless Troll turned a deaf ear to the warnings of his his theater-mates and marched right up the 69 flights of stairs to the office of the CEO of Evil Squirrel’s Nest…
TROLL: This is it. This is where that no good bastard of a boss sends down the claptrap he expects us to act out each week from. I’m just gonna…….. my oh my, that’s a really big door. Who needs a door that……… tall? I wonder how large the boss is……
Troll slowly leans towards the door and taps a knuckle on it so lightly that it barely makes a sound.
TROLL: Well, I guess the big shot isn’t in today! (Turning to walk away) I’ll just head back downstairs and…..
“Come in, Troll….”
TROLL: Errrr…… it’s just the janitor cleaning the hallway, sir! Sorry to bother…..
“Get in here before I rip your balls off and feed them to my pet amoebas!!!!”
Troll nervously turned back around and opened the big, creaking door ever so slowly… staring wide-eyed into the rarely seen office of the all-powerful and perpetually feared creator of the Shelf Critter world. There was The Squirrel Himself sitting at the computer answering comments from Thursday’s comic…
EVIL: (Chortling) I need to find out who this Alexa is Draliman has staying with him… she sounds kinda hot….
TROLL: M..m….mister Squirrel?
EVIL: (Never turning away from the computer screen) Get on over here Troll and speak your peace. Then when you’re done, the cottonballs and toilet bowl cleaner are in that filing cabinet next to the possum shredder.
TROLL: How did you even know I was outside the door!?!? Are you really…. god????
EVIL: Security cameras, dumbass! I’ve got the whole house rigged up with them! Same way I know you took a dump last week behind the potted plant in the lobby. The next burrito you order from the Shelf commissary is gonna have a little surprise in it…
TROLL: You don’t look so big….. or evil. Why does everyone find you so intimidating?
EVIL: Because I have high standards for my blog and I don’t accept anything less than perfection from my employees. You should consider it an honor to be a member of my Shelf Critter troupe.
TROLL: That’s great, but there’s no reason I should have to settle for…. what are you doing?
Loud sipping noises echo through the office…
EVIL: Ahhhhh, nothing gets the creative juices flowing like some nice, refreshing soda! Care for a sip?
TROLL: No thanks, I don’t want any of your pop…
EVIL: Hey! I shoot critters around here for calling it pop. Don’t make me….
TROLL: Look, I didn’t come here to talk about that raw sewage you’re drinking… I’m DEMANDING better roles in Shelf Critter Theatre, or else….
EVIL: Or else….. what, Troll?
TROLL: Or else I’m QUITTING!!!
EVIL: I don’t think so…
TROLL: You watch…. I’m gonna walk out that door right now!!!
EVIL: Go for it…
Troll gives a “hmpff” and turns towards the doorway…..
TROLL: Something’s wrong here….
TROLL: I can’t…… move.
EVIL: Of course you can’t. I won’t let you.
TROLL: But how can you….???
EVIL: You’re a Shelf Critter. You don’t move unless I move you. If I wanted you to walk out that door, I’d pose you to do so.
EVIL: Instead, I want you to realize I have total control over your every movement, so…. you’re standing still.
TROLL: That’s impossible!
EVIL: You signed away your rights to free movement when you put your X on that lifetime contract with Evil Squirrel’s Nest I made you sign years ago…
TROLL: If you think I’m going to just stand here and let you make me stand here, you’ve got another thing….. ummmm….. do you feel a draft?
Troll looks down and is horrified at what he sees…
EVIL: Boy, how do you even find that little thing underneath that gigantic belly full of lard you carry around when you need to take a whiz?
Troll realizes he’s now butt naked and swings his cape around to cover up the full, or maybe in this case, the half monty…
TROLL: How did you do this!?!? Why did you….???
EVIL: Because you don’t believe I’m in total control here. And if you want your clothes back before I forcefully throw you out on your blonde rat’s nest, you’re going to be a bit more obedient to your master.
Troll sighs and nods… and is soon covered up again by his cheesy spandex pajamas…
TROLL: Look, I’m just tired of having to play the patsy in every episode! Would it be asking too much to catch a break every once in a while and have something GOOD happen to me?
EVIL: Are you forgetting this? (Evil turns to his computer and brings up an image from October)
EVIL: I don’t just let everybody sleep with…… well, OK, I guess I do let everybody sleep with Mitzi.
TROLL: Man, I was pissing fire for three weeks after that scene! You don’t know what that unicorn all has!
EVIL: Look, Troll…. let’s have a critter to critter talk here…
EVIL: (Dramatic, Oscar nominated music begins to play in the background) A good acting troupe is made up of uniquely talented characters that all have their own quirks and personalities that, when put together, make the entire group run like a well oiled porn star. When I write a script that calls for a lazy, inept, ne’er do well douchebag… I always turn to you, Troll, because you’re so damn good at pulling that off. Without you, and the epic performances of asshattery you deliver like a champ every week… Shelf Critter Theatre would just be another two-bit, reform school drama club production that would get fewer viewers than Congressional hearings on C-SPAN. It takes a special talent to be fucked up enough to rock the very roles you came to me to complain about. You’re a winner at playing a loser, Troll, and I look forward to you continuing to help make SCT the cash cow it is for my executive bonuses! (Evil pats Troll on the back)
TROLL: (Wiping away a tear) Gee, Mr. Squirrel. I guess you’re right. I couldn’t see the forest of our success because all of the trees I’ve had to act out had Dutch Elm Disease. Thank you for helping me to see the light!
EVIL: Don’t mention it… (DJ Scratchy pulls the needle on the dramatic music) and I better not EVER see you or any of you other measly critters come up to my office to bitch about anything again!
A knock is heard on the door…
MITZI: Yoooooooooohooooooooooooo!!!! Evie Weevie!!!!
TROLL: Holy crap, Mitzi! You better get out of here right now, or else….
EVIL: Pardon the Troll here, Mitzi. He was just leaving….
Using his omniscient powers, Evil Squirrel delivers a virtual boot to the butt of the Troll, making him go bouncing headfirst down the 69 flights of stairs. When Troll does recover what wits he has, he heads back to the Shelf Critter stage and tries to salvage the script he’d just destroyed minutes earlier…
TROLL: (Wiping away the doggie pellets and smoothing out the wrinkles) There! Good as new! Time to memorize my lines I’ll have to read off the cue card…
SNUGGLE: I thought you hated this script! What, did the Boss kick your ass or something?
TROLL: No… he made me better appreciate my talents and what I can do to make us the best damned gang of inanimate critters on the internet!
FUZZYWIG: (Slowly exhaling his special smoke into Troll’s face) So you’re saying he blew smoke up your ass….
TROLL: Yeah…. but at least I still have a job, even if I play someone who’s unemployed. That’s better than cleaning toilets with a cottonball like I’ll bet Mitzi’s doing right now for barging in behind me!
EVIL: And then I used my powers to strip him naked! Check it out! Here, let me zoom in to 1,000% magnification…
MITZI: Lulz! I, like, already saw his tinky winky when you made me lie in bed with him. It took, like, months to totally get rid of all those fleas!
EVIL: Mmmmmm, I think it’s time you had another flea dip anyway. I’ll get the hot tub fired up…
MITZI: YAYAYAYAYAYAY! Mitzi luvs the Jacooooozi!!!! Diver go down!