DATELINE: NESTVILLE PARK
Park rangers are advising citizens of Nestville to avoid the area around its local park due to the overwhelming number of small animal attacks that have been reported by victims over the past several days. Officials were not wanting to release any details about the manner in which park patrons have been assaulted, or which protected critters were at the center of this reign of terror. The Nest Gazette sent its crack reporting team to the scene of these ghastly crimes in an effort to learn new information about the goings on that have the entire city on edge, and………… well, our team didn’t return. But Gazette photographer Dusty Lenscap did tweet us this chilling photo just prior to his disappearance. We warn you in advance, the image you are about to see may be too graphic for some of our readers…
Our erstwhile cameraman took this picture of what appears to be a rather disturbed looking squirrel carrying……. is that…… yes, it’s a human finger in its mouth! Could we be witnessing the beginning of the great squirrel uprising that Nostradamus once forewarned of!?!? Have these bushy tailed little outcasts finally had enough of the oppressive people who have cursed their name and chased them out of rightfully claimed birdfeeders? Can anyone save us from our fate of being chewed to death by razor sharp rodent incisors? Will we…….. AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!! GO AWAY!!!!!!! Please…… YEEEEEEEOOOWWWWW!!!!
And that, students, was the last piece of recorded human history which was written sometime way back in A.D. 2017 by an unknown archivist. Believe it or not, humans once dominated our ancestors who were confined to city parks and suburban neighborhoods. Looks like it’s almost time for the nut to ring. We’ll learn more about the ancient race of humans that once existed before the Great Sciurine Revolution in our next class. (RING!!!) See you all bright eyed and bushy tailed next Saturday morning, boys and squirrels!
Have a great April Fools Day weekend everyone!