Burning Down The House

This is your neighbor on drugs. Any questions?

The petty battle between man and beast has been raging for as long as people have needed to eat cute animals in order to survive.  While modern man now has the option of becoming vegetarian or eating processed, prepackaged meats that may or may not be made out of cockroach droppings… the advent of a civilized notion called private property has given two-footers yet another reason to want to see the beautiful critters of earth come to great physical harm.  A man’s home is his castle, and any animal that is not a pet must be a pest and is unwelcome in the homeowner’s domain.

Mmmmmmm! Flower bulbs!

Unfortunately, most animals are unable to read a “NO TRESPASSING” sign and only understand the concept of territory via marking landmarks with urine.  Since people generally choose not to piss in their yards, critters of all shapes and sizes consider it their right to pass through the legally protected boundaries of property that man has divinely determined without any bestial input whatsoever.  While most people would not resort to whipping out their BB gun to confront the neighbor’s little hellions who are using their freshly stained deck as a skateboard park, all bets are off when the invading loiterers are fuzzy and have a tail.  Many a squirrel, raccoon, deer and skunk has learned a hard lesson about violating rules they weren’t even aware existed, while being allowed an ever shrinking portion of the land upon which we allow them to do their natural frolicking…

Kemosabe say this is his backyard now. He wants you to “scat and git you little varmint!”

While the overwhelming majority of these one-sided land disputes end up being decided in favor of the so-called dominant species, occasionally nature dishes out a cold, hard dish of instant karma to the offended and offensive human…. especially if the furless one happens to be a couple beans short of a bowl of chileh.  One such instance occurred earlier this month when a Lancaster, Pennsylvania man had to deal with a group of unwanted guests he badly wanted to evict from his private paradise…

My family’s eating out tonight…. in your trash can!

Yes, apparently a family of cute, adorable, cuddly, sweet opossums decided to squat on our 21st Century pioneer’s turf.  Since we all know possums are vicious, evil, dangerous beasts who threaten our existence and need to be exterminated with extreme prejudice for our very safety and welfare… our unidentified homeowner decided to take some drastic measures to rid his suburban paradise from this marsupial nuisance.  When in doubt, smoke ’em out…

That’s just feeding right into their hands, silly!

Our animal control genius decided to dump a bunch of butane on a pile of leaves in the yard and light it the fuck on fire.  The article on this comi-tragic story is short and sweet, but says more than enough to destroy any myth about humans as the superior beings on this planet.  It also gives the only piece of relevant post-incineration information you need to know to get a hearty belly laugh out of some poor sap’s act of dumbassery….

A city fire marshal says the fire got out of control and spread to the home, which was built of wood.


Look at the bright side… at least you took care of those annoying squirrels in your attic!

The leafpile was obviously a bit too close to our jester’s castle and wound up turning his home into a nice pile of compost ash as well.  For the sake of a violent gang of intruding possums, our nameless dope (We now know it was likely withheld to spare him further humiliation) did $50,000 worth of damage and put his own family out on the streets where it will somehow have to survive along side the very clan of vile vagrants he was trying to drive away.  Let this be a lesson to anyone with a possie problem…. you can’t fight possums (or squirrels) with fire and win.

Unless your intruder is named Buster.

While it might seem stupid to try ridding your lawn of possums by setting whatever happens to be handy on fire, you must realize that our amateur firebug apparently had some deep seated issues of paranoia when it came to believing nature’s creatures were terrorizing his land.  While my source article is extremely concise, likely due to the writer being unable to type up the details for very long without bursting into laughter, it does end on this rather odd and telling note…

Officials say the man had problems with bees also.

I hope you know, this means WAR!!!

Given the fact that bees actually ARE repelled by smoke, it can only be considered a minor miracle that the world’s foremost anonymous animal hater didn’t manage to nuke the entire Lancaster metropolitan area at the first sign of any strange buzzing around his prized cannabis plants.  Luckily for the citizens of Pennsylvania, who already had to put up with the nuclear meltdown of Three Mile Island, the only hive our future Darwin Award candidate managed to destroy was his own.  Perhaps some time stranded out in the rain and cold without the creature comforts of home will help this lunkhead lord to better appreciate why his furry little serfs seek out the shelter of civilization that we humans are sadly far too stingy to share…


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrels In The News and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to Burning Down The House

  1. Can a Darwin Award nominee still be living in order to receive recognition? Sheesh. Karma is indeed a dish best served with intelligence, something the Lancaster chap was missing.

    • I believe the only qualification is to be stupid enough to remove yourself from the gene pool… so a case of….. er, mutilation would be Darwin worthy. I think this idiot will eventually do something to earn a nomination in the future if he doesn’t put the butane away…

    • franhunne4u says:

      He needs to not have procreated already – and with the deed, for which he got the nomination, he needs to end the possibility of procreation for him for all future. Or her – let’s not get discrimnatory here.

      • It is unclear whether our dumbass here has any children or not, as the three people who are mentioned as having been displaced are not further identified. I have a feeling that given long enough, he will probably burn his nuts off and make the world a slightly better place…

  2. ody N biskit….we haz just added nother hash mark two de number oh timez we haz said;

    thanx bee ta cod we wuz born catz N knot peepul……

    itza dam good thing noe nayborz homez were engulfed…can ya say…. LAW SOOT ~~~

    be jezuz ~~~~~~~ ☺☺♥

    • That’s what happened in the squirrel story I linked to somewhere in there where some idiot took a blowtorch to a squirrel and wound up burning down his entire apartment complex. I hope no critters try to burn down my place in revenge for the stupidity of other people…

  3. I get so tired of pointing out to the neighbors that by poisoning a few weeds, they are also wiping out the birds, squirrels and quite possible bunnies, raccoons and lord knows how many more creatures that were here before we were. They look at me like I have two heads. I think maybe they don’t get it.

    • It’s a cultural mindset left over from the pioneering days of America, and it unfortunately isn’t going anywhere. I have to look away and cringe when I hear my co-workers talk about shooting troublemaking squirrels. There was a guy at the place I dropped my Dad off for dialysis that would see the “I Brake For Squirrels” bumper sticker on the back of my car and proceed to lecture me EVERY SINGLE TIME that squirrels need to be run over and that he speeds up when one darts in front of him. Their offense: They get into his garden. Awwwww, boo fucking hoo asswipe. If I knew where he lived, I would drive up in his yard and run over his flowers….

  4. noelleg44 says:

    We have a few of these loony tunes around here- they like to dynamite beaver dams.

  5. I’ve read the article…. ok, I laughed, but a fire is not funny… and I hope this guy will bee-hive when he sees a bee once…. imagine what happens if a whole swarm would rest in his backyard….

  6. draliman says:

    He’s obviously of the “scorched Earth” mentality. Is that a squirrel in my garden? Goodbye, cruel world. Whoomp.

    • It’s the only way to go when you want not only the target but everything in its vicinity to be obliterated. Of course, I think in this case he burned up everything but the possums…

  7. I sincerely hope that the squirrels and opossums were sitting off to the side under cover somewhere watching the sheer idiocy of humans’ attempts to do away with them. Sadly it often involves FIRE which is unpredictable at best!


  8. Piglove says:

    Shaking my head. Some humans don’t have the sense that God gave them. Honestly. Sometimes there are no words on how stupid someone can be. XOXO – Bacon

  9. Brilliant post! I needed a good laugh today! Thanks! 🙂

  10. Trisha says:

    Serves the idiot right! The possum family probably built a cozy little nest in the dumbass’s burned out house and are thankful that a few less stupid humans are around. Like burning a leaf pile is going to drive the possums right out of the neighborhood for good. WTF? Still, this simple kind of stupidity is less disturbing to me than the kind sweeping cities on the west coast. Every news story I read this morning ended with me thinking W…T…F…? One was about a study on how the Eastern Gray squirrel faces racial, gender and another type of discrimination. Apparently squirrels are horribly offended that we use the “he” pronoun too often????

    • LOL! Do they read my blog? Unless there are teats clearly hanging off the underside, I refer to every squirrel on my blog as a he. I somehow don’t think the squirrels give a rat’s ass. As is usually the case, the only people offended over something are those who have no right to be…

      • Trisha says:

        Same here! If there are obvious teats, I call them Little Mama. The rest are called He, if I don’t have a name for them. How terribly ignorant of me! If only I were educated and enlightened enough to look at the media coverage of squirrels through a lens of “women’s food studies”, I would change my ignorant ways! I kid you not, that was one of the lenses this assistant professor looked at the media coverage of Eastern fox squirrels through. This is the kind of lunacy that occupies the minds of left coast academics. Meanwhile, squirrels continue to not give a rat’s ass!

  11. Ladybuggz says:

    We have lots of Squirrels and Raccoons around here, but they don’t bother us….the only rodent that we want to and do kill are Rat’s! We put out poison(but make sure no other critter eats it) and wonder what the stink is wafting up from under the bathtub! I’d like to set my house on fire (so I get a new one) but I’m not that stupid! lol… 🙂

    • I love my critters, but draw the line at the actual structure I live in. Mice and rats can be pretty cute, but I don’t want them inside my house anymore than I would a squirrel or raccoon. I welcome all in my yard, though…. and you know what, they take what I give them and don’t try to come inside!

      • Ladybuggz says:

        That’s what I say! The rats were eating my compost at the back of our yard, why did they decide my basement was a new home?? Jerks! my compost is great eating, they just got greedy! 🙂

  12. Serves him right, the jackass.

Jabber Away...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s