The Great Pretender

SNUGGLE: Hey, I heard ya missed us!  We’re back!

TROLL: I brought my pencil!

FUZZYWIG: (Taking a puff on his pipe) I brought my good stuff.

SNUGGLE: I hope you brought enough dope for the whole class!

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, right.  Is it almost time for the 4:20 bell yet?

It’s official…. Shelf Critter Theatre is back in session!

TROLL: I wonder what the teacher’s gonna look like this year?

SNUGGLE: Hopefully a lot like that babe coming up the hall!!!!

SNUGGLE: Hubba hubba!  I’m ready for a tumble in the dryer sheets!

TROLL: (Looking down) Why do I have to wear this stupid spandex outfit that shows…… everything! (Troll whips his cape around to cover up his newly formed pup tent)  She’s coming this way!!

SNUGGLE: Let a trained professional handle this, dudes.  Hey, baby!  How about I take your delicates for a little run in the spin cycle?

NEW GIRL: Excuse me?

FUZZYWIG: Pay no attention to the bear.  The blood’s all left his brain for parts south.  I don’t believe we’ve met you yet, dearie.  Who might you be?

NEW GIRL: Of course, I just moved to the shelf from the classy part of The Nest after my parents lost their asses in the stock market.  My name’s Sage!  I’m pleased to meet you all!

FUZZYWIG: Likewise, I’m sure.  I’m Fuzzy, that’s Snuggle Bear, and this is…. (notices that Troll is extremely fidgety) are you OK, dude?

TROLL:  Yeah, yeah… it’s just…… holy crap, goth girls are such a turn on for me!  I…. (nervously looks down) shit!  Cleanup on aisle three!

SAGE: Silly boy!  I’m not a goth girl…. I’m a skunk girl!

SNUGGLE: Yeah, sure!  I gotta say, that costume is totally hot as well!

SAGE: It’s not a costume!  I really am a skunk!  Look at me!!!

SAGE: See my real black and white striped skunk hair?

SNUGGLE: Skunks don’t have hair!  Come on, toots!  You’re not fooling anyone with that cosplay outfit!

SAGE: What is that funny smell?

FUZZYWIG: What, a skunk can’t recognize the smell of skunk weed?

SAGE: (Cough, hack!) That’s smells terrible!

FUZZYWIG: I’ll bet they didn’t have any of this MARIHUANA where you come from.  It’s the finest in the land…

SNUGGLE: Guys!  This skunk chick has smooth human skin!  Feel it!

SAGE: Why do I feel a fuzzy paw on my buttocks?

TROLL: Hey, anyone got some extra napkins?

SAGE: I think I’ll be running along now.  I have skunky things to see and do.  Toodles!

Sage made haste in getting away from the creepy malecritters she was now going to have to learn to deal with on a daily basis.  While skipping through a field of dandelions, she soon came upon four ponies who appeared to be standing around just waiting for something to come by for them to mock…

SCRATCHY: Dafuq is this shit?

LUNA: Halloween is starting earlier and earlier every year.  I would never allow such a blatant abuse of holiday seasons in my kingdom!

TWILIGHT: Hello, ma’am!  I don’t believe we’ve met…

SAGE: Hello, ponies!  I’m Sage, the skunk girl!

APPLEJACK: Howdy thar, sugarcube!  You dress perty nicely for a skunk!

SCRATCHY: Skunk, schmunk!  She ain’t any more a skunk than Justin Bieber is an artist!

SAGE: Look at me!!!

SAGE: See my pretty, bushy skunk tail?

SCRATCHY: All I see is your frizzy Bride of Frankenstein hair that looks more knotted up than my tail usually gets after an all night rave in the summer…

LUNA: Girls do not have TAILS!  As a goddess, I’m pretty sure I would have remembered giving out that gift…

SAGE: (Turns around and holds pulls her hair out of the way) Now can you see my beautiful skunk tail?

The mares move in to get a better look at Sage’s fuzzy rear appendage.

SCRATCHY: That can’t be real…

AJ: It looks so gosh darn cute!!! (Pulls out her pocketknife) I wanna make a rabbit’s foot out of it!

TWILIGHT: Holy crap, guys!  I see what it’s connected to!

LUNA: Well?

TWILIGHT: (Blushing profusely) I…….. I haven’t seen anything like that since….. gulp, Rarity’s last adult toy party she held!

SCRATCHY: Alllllllllllllllllllllllrighty then…. I think we’ve learned enough about this “skunk” girl.  C’mon, fillies!  Let’s go smash a few more Journey records in my Dusty Vinyl Archive…

The ponies head off, leaving Sage a bit frustrated that nobody seems to believe she is really a skunk.  She manages to find her smile, though and trudges on her merry little way again.  And as a newcomer to Shelf Critter Theatre, she was completely surprised that she would soon encounter yet another strange denizen of the most fucked up place in the universe…

SHADOW: (Appearing out of thin air, of course) Greetings shelf girl!

SAGE: Hello, weird creature.  I’m Sage, the skunk girl!

SHADOW: Skunk, eh?  Hmmmmm….. that does not compute.  My vast intelligence says you are a human female with an identity crisis.

SAGE: (Sigh) Look at me!!!

SAGE: See the fuzzy little white stripe running over my forehead?  Black with white stripe equals skunk!

SHADOW: Foolish human.  If that were true, anyone who saw my glowing yellow markings would assume I must be a nuclear reactor rather than a shapeshifting umbreon.

SAGE: Awww, you’re a cute little puppy dog, aren’t you?

SHADOW: Excuse me?

SAGE: Don’t deny it, little doggie!  Look at the way your puppy dog tail wags!

SHADOW: Lady, I am NOT of the canine persuasion!  I am an umbreon, having evolved from my mother, an eevie, and…. (Sage begins stroking Shadow’s tail) Please do not lavish my tail with affection like that!  It gives me an uncomfortable feeling inside of my Pokeballs…

Shadow’s tail uncontrollably oscillates back and forth as the skunklike creature continues to pet him…

SHADOW: I must…… must transform myself out of this situation…. of mistaken identity…. must concentrate…………..

Shadow attempts to transform himself into a massive dragon who can kill this annoying newcomer with fire, but apparently was unable to concentrate hard enough under Sage’s skilled paw….. er, hand, and instead….

SAGE: See, I knew you had a puppy dog inside of you!


Sage continued to play with her new puppy friend until the pooch wound up chasing a possum out into the street and got run over by a garbage truck.  Sage would not find herself alone for long, though….


SAGE: My, my, you are certainly a feisty one!  And very kyoooot yourself!

MITZI: Aw, shucks!  Like, everyone tells ol’ Mitzi she’s kyoot!

SAGE: So, Mitzi’s your name?

MITZI: That’s meeeee!!!  Mitzi the Bimbocorn!

SAGE: What a kyoot name!  I’m Sage the skunk girl!

MITZI: Awwwwwww, that’s so kyooooot too!  Like, how you pretend to be a skunky wunky!

SAGE: (Shooting Mitzi a nasty case of stink eye) Look at me!!!!

SAGE: See my kyooot little skunky feets?

MITZI: Awwwwww, they are so kyoot!!!!  Mitzi’s got a pair of fuzzy wuzzy boots that look just like those back at the stable!!!

SAGE: They are not boots!!!  They are my skunk feet!!!  They make me a skunk!!!

MITZI: Awwww, there’s no shame in being whatever you want to be, kyootie!  You wanted to be a skunk, so you totally got yourself some fake skunk feets…. and I wanted to be a bimbo and totally got myself some fake…… well, see for yourself!!!!

SAGE: Oh my…….. those must have cost a fortune!

MITZI: Not when you, like, totally know some “alternate” methods of payment!  See, it’s perfectly okie dokey to cheat a little to live out your fantasies!

SAGE: But this isn’t a fantasy, and I’m not cheating!  I’m a skunk, damm….

MITZI: (Checks her blinged out phone) Oooooh!  It’s, like, totally time for Real Housewives of Tittybong on Channel 69!  Buh bye my little kyooooooooooootie!!!! (Mitzi blows Sage a kiss and trots off)

SAGE: I don’t get it!  Every stupid critter here doubts that I’m a skunk, even after I have shown off all of my uniquely skunkish attributes!  Why can’t they just accept that I really am a skunk!?!?!?

RAINY: Because you AREN’T a skunk!!!!

SAGE: Oh, and like what do YOU know about being a skunk?

RAINY: Look at me!!!!

RAINY: This is what a genuine, authentic, purebred, 100% American made skunk looks like!  You, on the other hand, look like a confused slut who accidentally wandered into Elvira’s closet!

SAGE: What do I have to do to PROVE to you that I’m really a skunk!?!?

RAINY: No skunk worth their stripe can’t gag a cat with a cold from a mile away.  Let me see you SPRAY, fake skunk!

SAGE: (Lost like a possum in the headlights) Huh?  You mean like……. stinky stuff?

RAINY: That’s right, Miss Sage.  And the smell better be so powerful that it covers up that nasty ass Miley Cyrus perfume you apparently dumped down your neck…

SAGE: OK, bitch!  I’ll SHOW YOU!!!!!

Sage turns around and lifts her tail, and prepares to prove her true heritage to the shelf’s foremost skunk expert…..

SAGE: There!  How about that?

RAINY: You’re not only not a real skunk Miss Sage, but you embarrass proud skunks everywhere by doing such a pathetic job at pretending to be one of us!  Your whole act stinks, and I think it’s about time to show you what us real skunks think of posers like YOU!!!

You knew this was coming…..

After thoroughly dousing the faux skunk with six months worth of bottled up nastiness, Rainy and her ever present rain gauge stomp off to leave the clueless girl to drown in her stink-induced tears…

SAGE: Ohmagerd!!!  (COUGH, GAG!!!)  This smells so nasty!!!  I’ll need a whole bucket of Herbal Essences to get this horrible odor out of my fur before my hot date with that horse guy next Saturday!

Sage continues to gag and heave at the raunchy smell Rainy left her with as she tries through watery eyes to find her way home…

SPONKIE 1: Look, Ma!

SPONKIE 2: I haven’t seen her before!  Let’s go greet her, Mommy!

SPARKLEPONY: STAY BACK, you two!  Can’t you smell that disgusting scent coming off of her!  She’s obviously a SKUNK!!!

As Sparklepony gathers up her kids and hurries off in the opposite direction, Sage, overhearing the conversation, beams with a renewed sense of pride……

SAGE: YES!!!!!!!!!! VINDICATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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16 Responses to The Great Pretender

  1. Hehe “skunky” I haven’t heard that word used in years!

  2. Maybe Skunkolinni? or even Skunkovitzky? She has a definite sense of not-quite-skunkiness.

    • She is certainly unique, if not quite skunky. I can not believe they made a human/animal hybrid doll themed around a skunk. It is the only doll I’ve ever bought in my life, but I had to have her!

  3. Quirky Girl says:

    Ooh! Looks like Snuggle Bear will be keeping himself busy between Mitzi the Bimbocorn and Sage the Skunk Girl. Luck bear…

  4. draliman says:

    A skunk by proxy! I do hope poor Fleabag is okay.

  5. Gosh the things poor skunk girl had to do to prove her skunkiness. This has to be some form of discrimination. Just sayin’.


  6. Well now I understand by Toys R-Us is having financial problems. Gotta wonder who’s bright idea it was to have an assembly line actually making skunk dolls doesn’t it? Where in the world did you find this?!

    • It was one of our new toys for Christmas at work! As soon as I saw the word “SKUNK” on the shipping label, I was immediately intrigued and couldn’t believe my eyes when I opened the box. I had to have one!

      Sage is part of a new line that seems like an acid induced mashup of Bratz dolls and furries called Enchantimals. Here is the real Sage Skunk, and if I do say so myself, I prefer the version of her that appears in Shelf Critter Theatre….

  7. Trisha says:

    Poor skunk girl looks a bit wide-eyed and innocent to have to deal with the likes of Snuggle Bear. His pick-up lines are hilarious, BTW! I’ve sure missed the shelf critters.

    • I missed making these too… no matter how long and how hard it can be to see a storyline through, the good ones are so much fun to make, and this was definitely one I enjoyed putting together! It will be interesting to see how she not only handles Uncle Snuggie’s advances, but also the grudge Rainy now has against her!

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