A Doggone Shame

FUZZYWIG: Wellllllll….. would you look at the time!  I thought I heard the good stuff calling my name!  It’s time for this fellow to go mellow yellow…

Being the stoner critter that he is, Fuzzywig seeks out his daily dose of medicinal Calgon… only his stash doesn’t seem to be where it should be.

FUZZYWIG: What the hell?  I know I put that bag underneath my slightly used August issue of Playcoon…. Dog rest your soul, Hef!  Where could it have….

FUZZYWIG: YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! PUFF! PUFF! PASS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: You have been nothing but TROUBLE to me since that day you followed me home from the Mary Jane Squirrels concert and refused to go away!  Just in the last week, you dug up that poor possum’s grave!

FUZZYWIG: And you bit the tax collector…. which was great, other than the $25,000 fine it got me!

FUZZYWIG: And you just HAD to “water” the neighbor’s rain gauge with NOT rain… which I wound up paying the price for!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! NOT ME! NOT ME! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: You are a no good, miserable, disobedient, complete waste of fur and Alpo!  I have had it with your behavior that isn’t even befitting the Oval Office!  It’s time…..

Fuzzy gets out some rope and bounds up the pathetic pooch

FUZZYWIG: …..for me to sell you to the Chinese buffet!!!!!

And so Fleabag found himself being dragged behind his merciless master, who was finally making good on a persistent threat he certainly would never actually go through with…….. right?

FUZZYWIG: This looks like the place!  I hope they have room on the menu for Creme of Mutt…

TROLL: And how many are in your party, sir?

FUZZYWIG: I’m not here to eat!  I’m here to….

TROLL: Then I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave!  We welcome service animals and competitor’s coupons, but absolutely NO health inspectors!

FUZZYWIG: I’m not here to count the cockroaches in your kitchen… I want to speak with the manager!

TROLL: Hung Lo does not wish to be bothered with complaints that our dishes are all just made from 15 cent packages of Ramen noodles!

FUZZYWIG: I have a business proposition for him that may well be worth his time.

TROLL: OK, I’ll go get him…. if, you know….. you could…… (holds out hand) I do work for tips, after all.  They don’t actually pay me.

FUZZYWIG: Here’s a tip… stop going to Supercuts.  Now where is your boss?

Troll sighs and leads Fuzzy and his potential commodity into the office of the Chinese buffet’s owner…

HUNG LO: Good afternoon, sir!

FUZZYWIG: Hey….. you’re a giant Buddha!  Can I rub your belly for money?

HUNG LO: Sorry.  Rubbing my belly only blesses you with blocks of government cheese.

FUZZYWIG: Hmmmmmm, that ain’t half bad either.  But I have a juicier proposition for you, big boy!  How much…

HUNG LO: Please sir!  Have a genuine fortune cookie!

FUZZYWIG: Those aren’t fortune cookies, tubby!  They’re peanuts…

HUNG LO: Here!  Have one!

Fuzzywig looks at the portly proprietor like he’s a dotard… but takes the peanut he is given, and is shocked when a piece of paper pops out of it.

FUZZYWIG: (Reading his fortune)

“Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.” – Confucius

HUNG LO: (Slapping his chubby belly and laughing like a ticklish hyena) Oh man!  That one never gets old!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! WHINE! WHINE! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: OK, I’ll get a fortune cookie for you as well since I guess you deserve a last meal.  (Cracks open the peanut)

“All dogs go to oven!” – Ancient Chinese proverb

FUZZYWIG: Never underestimate the wisdom of the ancients!  Hey, listen big boy.  How’d you like to have this nice, juicy, tender mutt here in your next batch of General Tso?

HUNG LO: (Looking over Fleabag) Hmmmmmm…. looks a little scrawny to me.  But decision will be up to chef!  Right that way!

Fuzzy and his muttly morsel make their way through the swinging doors pointed out by Hung Lo… nearly gagging at the rotten stench that emanates from inside.  The kitchen smells a lot like a butcher shop…….

SNUGGLE: Wazzup, peasants?  Welcome to Chef Snuggle’s Kitchen of Doom!  Could I interest you in some blood tongue?

FUZZYWIG: Thank goodness I don’t have the munchies right now.  I’ve got….. (cough, hack!) what is that horrible odor that smells even worse than smoking a bag of the bad stuff?

SNUGGLE: Oh, that’s today’s special in the wok!  Unicorn stir fry!!!!

SNUGGLE: Doesn’t that just make your mouth water!

FUZZYWIG: Since when did unicorns become a part of Asian cuisine?

SNUGGLE: Since Daniel Boone shot the last wild dragon in America, that’s when!  Unicorns are a dime a dozen in Western culture, and they taste better than rat.

FUZZYWIG: How about dog?

SNUGGLE: Dog?  Did you say…..

YOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: You, like, totally forgot to add me to the pig stickers!  I thought you were gonna warm ol’ Mitzi’s oven up!

SNUGGLE: Later, babe!  Later!  The customers are going to eat your friends, and then I’m going to eat you, if you know what I mean!

MITZI: Ooooooooh!!!!  Are those chopsticks under your apron, or are you just happy to….

TROLL: Excuse me, Chef!

TROLL: One of the delivery boys found this Pokemon while playing on his smartphone.  The boss said some umbreon might freshen up the menu.

SNUGGLE: Excellent!  Now we’ve got some authentic Oriental ingredients!

SHADOW: I am not an ingredient!!!  I am a….

SNUGGLE: Here Mitzi, keep this future food company while I get down to business with our guest.

SHADOW: (Upside down in Mitzi’s pot) This is a very awkward position.  Could someone please help out a cute cartoon character?

MITZI: Ooooooh, Pokey Wokey!  Like, Mitzi’s Great Wall needs some tending to!

SNUGGLE: (Turning back to Fuzzywig) So, you want to sell me your mutt?  Let’s see what you got here…

SNUGGLE: Oh yeah, I can probably pass this little bastard off as USDA choice Angus yak meat!  (Brings his butcher knife up to Fleabag’s head)  Yep, I’ll gladly pay top dollar for this carcass!

Chef Snuggle Bear goes back to the safe and brings Fuzzywig proper payment for his former best friend…

FUZZYWIG: Holy Hot Dog in a Bun!!!  Why didn’t I sell this mongrel sooner!?!?  I can buy my own pot farm now!!!!

While Fuzzywig dances a jig on top of his newfound fortune, Snuggle grabs Fleabag by the rope and drags him towards the oven in the back room……..

Queue the music……….

HUNG LO: Having second thoughts, Fuzzy-san?

FUZZYWIG: (Sniffle) Yeah, I am….

DJ Scratchy yanks the needle off the shitty Sarah McLaughlin music…

FUZZYWIG: I’m so overwhelmed by finally being rich that I can’t decide on whether I should move to Colorado or Washington…

Popping and yelping sounds are heard in the background as Chef Snuggie comes back into the kitchen with the satisfied grin of a serial killer on his face…

SNUGGLE: OK, time to whip up the Pokeball fried rice……. hey!  What happened to my Pokemon!?!?

MITZI: Oh, he like, totally began to totally panic when I tried to sit on him and he did some of his, like, shiftshaping magic stuff!

SNUGGLE: What!?!?!?  He better have turned into something that’ll make a five star carryout meal!

Shadow’s new form peeps out from under Mitzi’s completely fake bosom…

SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!?

The newly respawned Fleabag leaps out of the pot and runs to his once and always master…

FUZZYWIG: (Trying to keep from drowning in slobber) Down boy!  DOWN!!!  Dammit, don’t make me get the doggy prod out of the woodshed!

HUNG LO: This is an outrage!  I have been tricked!  (Looks at Fuzzy) YOU!  And your mangy mutt!  Out of here!  (Grabs the million dollar bill) I will take that back, thank you!  And YOU! (Looks at Snuggle Bear) You call yourself a chef!  Can’t even cook dog properly!  You’re fired!  GET OUT!!!  And YOU!!! (Looks at Troll)  I’m firing you just for the hell of it!  OUT!!!  OUT!!! EVERYONE OUT!!!!

Now that the pissed off Buddha has cleaned out his establishment, it’s time for Hung Lo to find nirvana with a little “meditation”…. and maybe a massage.

HUNG LO: Ahhhhhhhh, lower my China doll!  Rub the Buudha!!!

MITZI: Mitzi love stories with HAPPY ENDING!!!!  Bonzai!!!!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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19 Responses to A Doggone Shame

  1. at the end love (or rub da buddha) is the key… I hope Mitzi will get the million for this service ;o)

  2. draliman says:

    Even being in a cooking pot can’t keep Mitzi down…

  3. I am almost 100% sure that Fleabag is the blood brother of Duke the Dogge. It’s the barking. The endless barking. The nonstop barking which is apparently his doggish idea of “talking” to me. Garry keeps saying “good thing he’s cute” and I finish “or he’d be DEAD.” And I glare at him.

    He barks.

    • Fleabag was inspired by another dog who incessantly barked…. not that those kind of dogs aren’t a dime a dozen. I love dogs, but my cats will never keep me awake during the day with their loud meowing…

  4. Hmm……I’ve gotta remember to see if Free Range Dragon Balls are on the menu at our local Chinese restaurant…….

    Pam

  5. Merbear74 says:

    Waiter, check please.
    That’s all I got.

  6. Ladybuggz says:

    I don’t get how the dog after being zapped got out of the microwave alive?? Is it something to do with Pokemans?? I haven’t a clue about Pokemans…..
    Funny turnstyle joke, I had to read it twice before I got it! lol… I’m not slow, just blonde!

  7. Trisha says:

    I was pleasantly surprised by the happy ending. As soon as I saw that the chef was none other than old Uncle Snuggie, I thought I’d seen the last of poor Fleabag. Although he might be better off dead than living with Fuzzywig. What a creep!

  8. Ah, the joys of a twisted imagination and a suitable outlet for it!!

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