If I Had A Million Dollars

I’m in the money!

Those of you who can read my Shelf Critter Theatre plays without having either your eyes glaze over or your brains turn into oatmeal pudding, may have noticed a rather unusual prop that appeared as Fuzzywig’s “payment” for selling his dog in my most recent skit.  Is that a really a million dollar bill!?!?  Either I finally managed to hit the lottery I never play, I was lying to you about the outcome of this saga, or our American currency has finally become so devalued that twenty dollar bills are cheaper to use than actual toilet paper…

The actual answer, of course, is that this million dollar bill is even phonier than much of the First Lady’s body.  I am amazed at both the intricate design and printing that went into making this curiosity that would get me arrested if I actually tried to spend.  With the freak show currency designs the US Mint has come up with the past couple decades, this funny money actually fits right in and looks damn near legit… if you were too stupid to know there’s no such thing as a million dollar bill.

Unlike the very well known $1,329,063 dollar bill.

So, where did I find this worthless treasure?  At work, of course!  I find “money” like this all the time laying around at Mecca…. only to turn it over and find out it’s some goddamned church propaganda warning me I’m a greedy son of a bitch who better repent before I end up sharing a slumlord apartment with Hitler in Hell.  And sure enough, the back of this million dollar bill looks like this….

Modeled by Ricky the Praying Raccoon, who has a grand total of one SCT episode in his filmography.

If you don’t have your spectacles nearby to read all that fine print made even blurrier by my shitty photography, let me just assure you that it is a thorough and outright condemnation of sin, along with a warning that I mist REPENT!  There’s also a website and QR code I can use to subject myself to some more of this old time Bible thumping should I feel my eternal life flashing before my eyes.  I’m sure there are plenty of online forms embedded in there to donate money to the ministry responsible for this most deceptive form of advertising… and I’m sure none of them will take my phony American Express card with Chuck E. Cheese’s face on it.

Well, sorry Tract Planet, but I’m not going to be falling for your centuries old scheme of guilting money out of the naive and hopeless.  And given that this most awesome prop has now fallen into the hands of my shelf critters, I’d be willing to bet that this dolled up religious pamphlet is ironically going to be involved in a LOT of sinning from now on…

stripper unicorn mitzi

I hope lightning doesn’t strike me before I can hit “Publish”…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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23 Responses to If I Had A Million Dollars

  1. Whew…for a brief moment, I thought you were going to foist some Bare Naked Ladies ear worm on us. Feel so much better knowing it’s just a cautionary telling to avoid heathenism (to be filed away appropriately). So much better.😆

    • I have to hear that song at work all the time, so why not “share” it with everyone else as well? Oops, I guess my sinner side if showing again!

      Truth be told, I actually like that song. I never fail to laugh at the cruel/crewel wordplay…

  2. I will look if we have some millions here too…. but by now we found only a 100 francs bill and this su*kers will not exchange it, because the time is up…. :o(

    • Maybe somebody will buy it on eBay. That sucks, because even our old style of dollars that look really weird now can still be used. If the world ever goes to one currency, the US would be the only country not to get on board with it…

  3. Ally Bean says:

    Well said. If I win a million dollars I’d like it to come with no strings attached. No weasel words demanding that I repent. And I’d like it to be real money, smaller bills please. But maybe that’s just me.

  4. Yeah if I win a million dollars SOMEHOW, I’d want it in ones……so I can swim in them…..upstream or downstream I don’t care. I did think that bill looked authentically fake (hahahahaha) though.

    Pam

  5. I didn’t know they made these with churchy stuff on them. I have a whole notepad of them. Yup, that’s what they are. Notepads for people who have passed sticky notes and moved on to something more serious. Garry loves anything with fake money on it. He used to keep a toy cash register with him at work and every time he made money, he’d hit it and say “Kaching!” Which is how he got the nickname, “kaching.”

    • This kind of con game with religious outfits has been going on for a while. I’ve found past pamphlets disguised as lost money before dressed up as $20’s and even $100’s…. but a million dollar bill! That’s just begging to be picked up and pocketed. I’m surprised legitimate companies don’t try this form of advertising as well… it’s much cheaper than buying shelf space at the big box store…

  6. I had wondered about that note…

  7. draliman says:

    I saw the banknote but figured it wasn’t actually real. I read as much of the text as I could, and I’m gonna rush out and repent right now. Or maybe tomorrow. I’m busy watching Netflix at the mo.

  8. Ladybuggz says:

    I once found a $1000 bill but when I reached for it, it moved…and kept moving..then I heard snickering from behind a bush, two little assholes holding fishing line with the bill attached!! SLAP!

  9. Trisha says:

    I noticed the million dollar bill and thought that I remembered you getting a million dollar check for your millionaire journey, not cash. I’ve never seen that type of church advertising. Our churches try to lure people in with fun-sounding events. The one in my neighborhood even brings in snow from the mountains for a day of sledding and sliding. Of course, being the suspicious heathens we are, we’ve never gone.

    • Yeah, a lot of the newer, more “modern” churches around here try weird stuff like that. I think the fake money bit is a more common tactic with the old school fire and brimstone type of churches who think everyone not in their congregation is going to hell. I would think that if God wanted there to be snow on their church grounds, he’s have made it snow there himself!

  10. Quirky Girl says:

    Did Snuggle Bear win the lottery? Judging by the expression on his face, I can only assume he’d be the one to slip that million dollar bill under Mitzi’s collar… 🤔

    • Well, remember that Snuggle Bear is a big time celebrity spokesbear for fabric softener, so he’s probably got a pretty big bankroll! No wonder Mitzi can afford to have her “enhancements!”

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