SNUGGLE BEAR: Heeeey there, cutie pie!
TINA: (Squeeing like…. well, a little girl) Uncle Snuggie!!!!
SNUGGLE: Ready for our big date tonight?
TINA: Maybeeeeeee….. you got some candy?
SNUGGLE: Dude, I treat all of my ladies right!
TINA: Is that Easter candy!?!?
SNUGGLE: Hey, I got it on clearance dirt cheap! It’s only slightly expired.
TINA: OK, that’ll work! I still gotta soak myself in Disney Princesses bubble bath before we head out on the town! Why don’t you come inside and wait for your sexy little unicornlet!
SNUGGLE: (A bit nervous, for some reason…) Ummmmm, your Aunt Scratchy isn’t home, is she?
TINA: Naw, she’s deejaying a party down at the Old Critters Shelf playing her Limp Bizkit records! You just wait and I’ll be back down in a minute smelling like a Justin Beaver mosh pit!
While Tina went upstairs to prettify herself, Snuggle lingered around the living room impatiently. The next voice he heard wasn’t his date’s…
VOICE: Snuggle Bear?
CHIP: Hi, this is Chip Hansen from Shelfline NBC! Why don’t you have a seat over there?
SNUGGLE: But there isn’t a seat over anywhere!
CHIP: I know, but that’s my trademark line so I have to say it anyway. Just pull your ass up to the table and prepare to be exposed on national TV for the Pedobear you are.
SNUGGLE: But I……… I’m only here to…….. uh, deliver something.
CHIP: Right. Of course you are. That’s why it says in this transcript of your text message exchanges with Tina that you were going to deliver her, quote, “a ride on your agitator.” Care to elaborate on that?
SNUGGLE: B…….. but…… I must have sent that text to the wrong number!
CHIP: There’s also a Snapchat photo of what most definitely are NOT fabric softener balls that we retrieved from Tina’s phone. Mr. Snuggle, you are aware Tina is a minor?
SNUGGLE: No way!? She can’t be! She’s gotta be like….. what, 29 or so!
TINA: OMG! You sooooo told me I was the cutest third grader you’d ever seen before! You preverts are all the same!!!
CHIP: Well, I think we’ve got enough evidence on tape here. Officers!!!
Two squirrel cops barge in to handcuff Snuggle Bear and haul him down to the station for booking and beating. Due to time constraints in these posts, the wheels of justice move a lot faster in Shelf Critter Theatre than they do in the real world, and Snuggle finds himself being tried later that afternoon…
SANTA: Order! Order! This court is now in session!
SNUGGLE: Aren’t you Santa Claus?
SANTA: (Bashing his gavel on the desk) One more outburst like that, and I’ll hold you in contempt! I have to do something in the offseason to keep me away from the Missus…
BAILIFF SQUIRREL: The case of The Critters vs. Snuggle D. Bear is now in session!
SANTA: Thank you. Has the jury reached its verdict?
FOREMAN LUNA: We the jury find the defendant GUILTY on all charges! And extremely creepy on several others…
SNUGGLE: Wait a minute!!! There was no evidence! Witnesses! Sidebars! And there’s a DOG on that jury!!!
SANTA: Order in this court!!!! Snuggle Bear, I hereby sentence you to life in prison! And you’ll be put on the naughty list without any possibility of parole…
Insert Law & Order gavel clang here…
SNUGGLE: No! This can’t be happening! (Turns to his public defender, Mr. Fox, Esq.) Can’t you do something about this miscarriage of justice!?!?
MR FOX: ………
With no immediate legal recourse, Snuggle Bear is hauled out of the courtroom and straight to the Shelf’s most infamous maximum security penitentiary… known informally as The Cage.
SNUGGLE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HELP ME!!!! I’M INNOCENT!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Sure, that’s what they all say…
SNUGGLE: Are you my cellmate?
FUZZYWIG: Hey, cut it out with the “mate” stuff. This isn’t the place to go around spreading any “rumors.” You must be the pedo-creep I saw on TV. Name’s Fuzzy. I’m doing 420 years in non-consecutive sentences.
SNUGGLE: Holy crap! What for?
FUZZYWIG: Cruelty to animals. My mutt ratted on me…. then wound up on the jury. Lousy mongrel. He’ll be sleeping with the dragon balls on the buffet if I ever get out of here.
Fuzzy pulls out a pipe and lights it.
SNUGGLE: Is that what I think it is!?!? Isn’t that stuff illegal?
FUZZY: What are they gonna do, put me in jail for smoking it?
SNUGGLE: How’d you get that MARIHUANA in here anyway?
FUZZY: The guards bring it in, you dope! If you really want the good stuff, though, always buy from the warden.
It’s shower time!
SNUGGLE: What!?!? No…. wait! I’m already clean enough….
Sorry Uncle Snuggie. We can’t do a prison story without a shower scene…
SNUGGLE: OK, why is there a bar of soap laying here? I don’t have a good feeling about…
STALL BUDDY: Oops, I must’ve dropped the soap! Hey, Pedobear! Wanna pick that up for me?
SNUGGLE: No thanks, I’ll just towel off and get…..
BIG SCRAT: I said……. DO YOU WANT TO PICK THAT UP FOR ME!?!?
SNUGGLE: Ummmmmmmmmmmm…….. do I hafta?
SCRAT: Yes, you hafta!
SNUGGLE: OK sir…… (bending over) I better make this quick……
The next day, back in his cell….
FUZZYWIG: So, did you meet Big Scrat yet?
SNUGGLE: Errrrrrr, no I haven’t had the pleasure…
FUZZYWIG: Bullshit! Everyone in the cell block heard you scream like one of your little girls…
GUARD TROLL: Excuse me, Snuggle Bear. You have a visitor!
FUZZYWIG: I hope she’s being accompanied by a parent or guardian…
SNUGGLE: Shut up, Fuzzy! OK, I’m coming! I hope it’s my mom with some of her world famous honey Spam.
Snuggle Bear is led by the guard to the visitors room…
SNUGGLE: Mitzi!!! Are you a sight for sore eyes! And blue balls!
Mitzi tries several times to lunge at her male friend for a smooch only to keep banging her snout on the glass.
SNUGGLE: Mitzi! You gotta help me get out of here! This place is awful! I got butt raped in the shower!
MITZI: Ooooooooooooh!!! Like, what does a girl have to do to get in on some of that?
SNUGGLE: I’m serious Mitz!!! Isn’t there anything you can do?
MITZI: Welllllll…. I, like, totally went to “talk” to the judge on your behalf and summoned him to Mitzi’s chambers! I even caught the district attorney at the same time for a little double jeopardy!
SNUGGLE: Did they agree to reduce my sentence?
MITZI: Sorry Snuggie Wuggie Teddy Bear! That was about the only thing they wouldn’t do with me! But I did get out of all my parking tickets!
Snuggle Bear sighs and bangs his head on the table.
MITZI: Awwww, don’t cwy widdow Snuggie poo! Want me to press my boobies on the glass?
SNUGGLE: WHAT!?!? I’m wasting away in this hellhole, and the only way you can help me is…………………………. fuck yeah, put ’em on the glass!!!!
Snuggle Bear has to endure numerous catcalls from the other prisoners as he’s led back to his cell with an orange tent in his prison jumpsuit. The years went by, and Snuggle Bear eventually adjusted to his new way of life in the cell block jungle. He bulked up, toughened up, and even got a few crude prison tats…
SNUGGLE: Oh yeah, I’m a badass bear now! Ain’t no meathead in this joint gonna fuck with me now! (Realizes he’s all alone in his cell) Hey! What happened to Fuzzy!?!?
TROLL: He made parole after only serving 12 of his 420 year sentence. Don’t worry, he’ll be back. They all come back. For the time being, though, enjoy your new cellmate…
BUSTER: Hello, pleased to meet you, sir! My name’s Buster, and it looks like we’ll be sharing this cell for the next……. oh, 69 years or so!
SNUGGLE: What did you go to get 69 years?
BUSTER: Tore the tag off of my new mattress. Complete accident, but the jury didn’t see it that way. I think the dog talked them all into convicting me. So, whaddaya say we play a game of checkers to pass the time?
Faced with the prospect of spending the next seven decades with a pansy ass possum, Snuggle Bear snapped…
SNUGGLE: I knew that shiv would come in handy!
TROLL: Oh no!!! What have you done!?!?
WARDEN HUNG LO: I’ll tell you exactly what he’s done… he’s just signed his own death warrant! GUARDS!!!
Snuggle Bear finds himself in cuffs again…
HUNG LO: For the murder of a fellow inmate, you, Mr. Bear, shall be executed tonight at precisely one minute past midnight!
Snuggle Bear struggles in his restraints as he’s led towards death row… and without so much as even a last meal, the execution room!
Snuggle Bear quickly finds himself strapped to a chair while the prison staff looks on…
HUNG LO: Any last words for posterior, Mr. Snuggle Bear?
SNUGGLE: You can’t do this to me! I’m a citizen and I have rights!
HUNG LO: You are an inmate, and will add flavor to the next batch of dog food we make in the workhouse.
SNUGGLE: Sigh…….. alright, bring on the lethal injection.
HUNG LO: We do not use that method of execution in this prison. Too humane.
SNUGGLE: Well, what’s it gonna be then? The chair? Firing squad? Are you gonna force me to watch Olympic curling and bore me to death?
Suddenly huge metal walls spring up around the condemned critter.
HUNG LO: Gas chamber!
SNUGGLE: Gas!?!? Dude, I have to smell my own farts after I’ve eaten five alarm chileh and I don’t even pass out! I’m not afraid of your gas!!! Bring it on!!!!
RAINY: Coming right up…
SNUGGLE: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I don’t want to be skunked to death!!!! Anything but that!!!
Rainy begins to turn tail towards the executee while Snuggle Bear tries to bury his nose in his chest. Then the doors open….
“Stop the execution!!!!!!!!”
SNUGGLE: Hey! Aren’t you the governor?
UNCLE SAM: In this episode I am. The state’s attorney has been re-examining all cases tried in the past fifteen years, and found a disturbing pattern involving multiple erroneous guilty verdicts involving a certain dog who keeps getting called for jury duty. I am hereby overturning all convictions involving this canine juror.
SNUGGLE: You’re gonna pardon me!?!?!?
UNCLE SAM: No, I have to save all my pardons up for my political cronies. But by the power vested in me by the great critters of this unnamed state, I am presenting you with this…..
SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!!!!
Snuggle Bear rejoices upon being released from the prison he called home for a dozen years. Given this second chance, you can bet my fake million dollar bill that Snuggle Bear will have learned from his past mistake and….
Oh, who am I kidding. Of course he didn’t….
SNUGGLE: Hello, Tina!!!
SNUGGLE: Wait a minute! Where’s my little Tina!?
SCRATCHY: Dude! Tina’s 20 now and she ran away from home six years ago after that guy from the TV show knocked her up. You can probably find someone your own age down at the bingo hall…
Scratchy slams the door in Snuggle Bear’s face. It’s been a long time since he’s been on the outside, so Snuggle figures he’ll have to start all over if he’s gonna find himself a new candy girl. He gets out his computer and hits the dating chatrooms…
SNUGGLE: I’ll just pretend to be a ten year old boy this time! (Adds an avatar of Pikachu to his profile) No nosy reporter would ever suspect I’m an adult predator!
Snuggle connects with a nine year old girl in the chatroom and arranges a meeting at her house….
SNUGGLE: Oh boy oh boy! This is gonna be just like old times!!!!! This is….
SCRAT: Well, you sure ain’t the little boy I was expecting, but you’ll do in a pinch! I’m glad I got that parole! This is gonna be just like old times!!!!!
SNUGGLE: (Getting dragged inside) help………