His Cheatin’ Heart

How many drug tests did you fail, Lance?

So this post is just a little late.  You can thank a squirrel…. or maybe whoever hired that squirrel to sabotage the countdown that has everyone on the edge of their seats ready to have their musical taste insulted.  I’ll explain more about what happened tomorrow…… but back to the already tardy business at hand first.  Yes, it is Wednesday, and it’s time for me and those record smashing ponies to reveal the next song that just isn’t all that in my Top 30 Iconic Songs I Just Can’t Stand countdown!  So far, we’ve tarred and feathered one classic each from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s… and while it’s hard to call any songs from the New Millennium classics just yet…. there are certainly those that stand out from the crowd and have their cult following.  This is the first of five songs I’ll hoist on their own petard that was composed in a year that begins with a 2.  Here’s our first naught from the aughts…

#27. “Before He Cheats” – Carrie Underwood

There are many, many reasons to despise the long running king of reality talent shows, American Idol.  Forcing Ryan Seacrest into our living rooms just a tad too much, somehow making Paula Abdul relevant again, boring us to death with the most predictable unpredictable pregnant pauses, making it cool and lucrative to fail miserably in front of a worldwide audience…

This seems so mockable, but on the other hand, it probably sounds better than Chipmunks singing.

Oh…. and sometimes, on very rare occasions, the young men and women who would compete for the chance to sign their lives over to Simon Cowell would actually go on to have a real music career once the last fraudulent phone vote was cast.  One of Idol’s most successful alums was Season Four winner Carrie Underwood, who out-countried a whole bunch of other forgettable names that my Mom once had crushes on in 2005.  A year later, she recorded the song that would become her biggest pop crossover success… the anthem of every girl ever scorned by a guy who couldn’t keep it in his pants…

This glorification of vigilante vandalism was a #1 hit on the country charts, and made it all the way up to #8 on the Hot 100 chart that takes into account radio stations people actually listen to.  On its face, it’s really not that bad of a song…. but it eats at the one thing that will get my goat and turn me into the raging, murderous psychopath that I portray an innocent teddy bear to be…

Wow! That felt great!

You can call me any name in the book, yank my chain, make fun of my taste in squirrels and even laugh at my shelf full of unicorns.  It won’t bother me in the least, and I’ll probably get a good laugh out of it.  But for your sake and mine…….. please…….. and I mean PLEASE………. do not…….. EVER……. fuck with my stuff!!!  I mean it!  Accidents will happen, but if you willfully put a scratch in my already battle scarred piece of shit car…. I just might have to forgo my wimpy side and kick your fucking ass.  I once made a federal case out of my cheap $2 tumbler I drink out of at work getting pitched by a maintenance worker who was a little too thorough in cleaning out the break room…

Time to run somebody’s balls through the shredder!

If you can even somewhat comprehend how pissed off I will get when something I own is deliberately defiled, then you might understand why this song sounds like nails on the chalkboard to me.  Not that I would ever be cool enough to date someone like Carrie Underwood, but if I did, and somehow had the even better fortune of meeting some bimbo in a bar, I’d…….. well, I’d better not walk out and find my non-existent pickup truck looking like I had left it parked in the middle of some peaceful protest.  There are no delicate words to describe the feeling of rage I would have towards the foolish person who did such a deed, even if I might have deserved it….

Hulk SMASH!

Join me again next Wednesday as I take a Louisville Slugger to another overrated song…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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33 Responses to His Cheatin’ Heart

  1. Ally Bean says:

    Sorry, I love this song. It gets my award for: Best Use Of A Louisville Slugger!

  2. Trisha says:

    I had a feeling you’d go country this week and, when I saw the title of your post, I knew exactly which overplayed song was up on the countdown. Or, I suspected. Your titles fave fooled me many times!

    I don’t think I totally hated this song when it came out but I sure do now. It’s one that just won’t go away. Although I like Carrie Underwood’s voice well enough, (I have previously confessed I listen to country, haven’t I?) I don’t really like any of her songs. They write such angry, man-hating stuff for her and I just don’t get into that. I like the men in my life! And why take all that anger on that pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive?

    • I’m pretty sure there are states where it is a capital crime to assault a pickup truck. I think you hit on another thing that bothers me about this song. I have a pretty strict intolerance for double standards, and there’s no way a man could sing a song like this about a cheating woman…. at least in this day and age.

      • Trisha says:

        I didn’t even think about that but you’re right. A reversal of roles here would not be tolerated by the rampant double standards of today!

        This discussion reminded me of a time when I was going to take revenge on someone by messing with their truck. I was about 14 and I thought my uncle had killed my cat. I found a body that looked like her and everything so I was going to sneak over that night and slash his tires. Luckily, my cat came home that afternoon!

  3. Merbear74 says:

    I like this song for…reasons. And I’ve disliked country music since the very early 00’s.

  4. can honestly say I’m not a fan of country and know very little about the artists or their songs ~~~
    I’ll go with a no comment this week ! ☺☺♥♥

  5. Quirky Girl says:

    Hulk smashing and keying the vehicles of cheating scumbags pale in comparison to William Hung and his, uh, delightful rendition of She Bangs. Granted, the type of banging he sang about probably was not of the Hulk smashing variety… 😜

    • LOL! The only good thing about Billy Hung is that he was the first shark the show jumped to help get it on its way off our TV’s. We really had that Christmas CD in the music rack at my store about 10 years ago! Nothing says the holidays like out of tune carols…

  6. I never liked this one. I thought she was a bitch every time I heard the song. Just dump him and get it over with.

  7. fanrosa says:

    Haaaated it!!!

    After leaving me with a rage that rolled my eyeballs back into my skull last week, you’re back on track! For the sake of your own safety, keep it that way….

  8. There must be something wrong with me. I don’t imagine revenge. I just want to dump whoever it is and move on, the sooner, the better. In my stupid opinion, revenge pretty much always backfires … somehow.

    • Yeah… as I noted in a comment above, now you’re stick with a reputation as that psycho girl nobody is ever going to want to risk getting involved with. Sometimes, a simple “fuck you!” will suffice…

  9. I was looking forward to sharing some mutual disgust…
    This one wasn’t even on my radar. But hey, new insights and opinions are good.

  10. I like this song… it’s perfect to hiss at all the idiots in their cars around me… and it feels good to imagine a howitzer on my hood to… well … ok… this song transforms me into a monster… and our small gm-skate would look ridiculous with an armed hood…

    • I may have a soft spot for cheating boyfriends…. but people who can’t drive deserve to be blown off the road! Maybe you could install a little pea shooter that showers other cars in pigeon shit!

  11. Ladybuggz says:

    Country Music Sucks Dirty Socks!! and so does people who Key Vehicles and Vandelize personal belongings….take the bat to the persons head, not “things”, “things” have feelings!

  12. draliman says:

    Never heard of her or her song but I quite liked it. Sort of country-pop.

  13. It isn’t the worst song of the 2000’s and left me feeling like I was watching a mini episode of Nashville from CMT. Maybe this video was inspired by her marriage to center (and now recently retired) hockey husband, Mike Fisher of the Nashville Predators. Yeah…I’m waaaay behind in reading posts. Sorry for the late comment.

  14. You know the joke about playing country songs backwards, right? Your dog comes back to life, your girlfriend comes back to you, and your tractor magically fixes itself.

    I think the country genre is either super optimistic (everyone’s in the bar, dancing, drinking and happy) or throughly depressing (your girl/boy has left/is cheating on you and about to marry someone else, there’s no work, your horse/dog dies, your vehicle breaks down, you’re a widow/widower with a lover who’s married and on the road who only occasionally comes to see you so you’re really lonely, and the only thing left to do is to share the misery and then end your own life). There never seems to be any in between.

    Note: I’m not making fun of the seriousness of suicide, just of how some country songs seem to end up pointing in that direction.

    • I have never heard that joke before, and I thought I’d heard it all!

      Newer country has pretty much left the old depressing genre in the dust. The recurring theme of most of the country music they play at work (And it’s entirely too much anymore) from recent years is justification and chest thumping over how great and superior stereotypical red state country life is to the sophisticated rat race of city life. Or maybe that’s just the only kind of country they like to play at Mecca…

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