Questions 67 and 68

Time to give away hints for another of The Joker’s evil plots to the good guys!

My longtime blogging friend Merby was recently nominated for The Sunshine Blogger Award and, in accordance with its rules, posted a list of oddball personal questions for any of her readers to answer.  I don’t normally play along with these award challenges, and in fact, won’t really be “accepting” or “nominating” for this one either.  However, since she’s going through a bit of a difficult time right now, I thought the least I could do was try to humor her in my own unique way and spend an otherwise boring Sunday morning by providing my typically smartass answers to these pressing questions she posed…

I’ll get the shit slapped out of me for this…

1. If you could meet one deceased famous person, who would it be?

Who in the hell would want to meet a dead person, even if it was the decaying corpse of someone who was once famous?  Oh, you mean I’m supposed to pretend the dead celebrity was still alive?  Like Keith Richards?  Hmmmm, I’m not much on celebs.  How about the founder of my long time employer, Sam Walton?  I’d love to ask him if he foresaw the fucked up mess his pride and joy would have turned into 25 years after his death…

Excuse me, can someone help me get these paper towels off the top shelf? Hello? Anyone working here?

2. Do you have any tattoos and if so, are any of them offensive?

No.  I am a blank slate, and would prefer to stay that way.  I think that also makes me a rebel by today’s standards…

Don’t juge me! Only God will juge me…

3. Do you believe that fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round?

No, but fat bottomed squirrels most certainly do…

Come sit down beside the red firelight…

4. What’s your favorite Beatles song? (Please add a 250 word essay explaining your reasons.)

No essay… my posts already run long enough.  But the Beatles had so many songs, this is kinda hard.  I remember my Mom found a list not long ago that ranked every Beatles song in order based on how good it was, and the song that ranked next to last was “The Ballad of John and Yoko,” which I absolutely love!  What the everloving fuck?  I’ll pick that one just because it seems to get no respect…

It has to at least be better than actual Yoko music, right?

5. What was your first Halloween costume?

I have no idea if my parents dressed me up for Halloween as a baby.  I would hope not since that is cruel, pointless, and a completely selfish thing that parents do only to please themselves (see also: dressing up pets)…

I had to do a lot of digging on Google to rekindle a fragmented memory, but the first Halloween costume I ever remember wearing (probably at Age 6 or 7) was something called the Wunkin Punkin…

God, it was even worse than I remembered…

Apparently, these Kooky Spooks costumes were big in the early 80’s, and an alternative to the shitty flame reatrdant jumpsuit/rubber band attached plastic mask licensed character costumes that were the standard of the day.  I honestly hope the photos of me in this thing are lost forever.  The first of only two occasions I’ve ever had nasty ass makeup on my face…

6. Have you ever picked anything up using your feet and toes because you didn’t feel like bending over?

I’m sure I’ve tried before since I’m getting to that age where bending over sometimes seems like it’s entirely not worth the trouble, but my toes aren’t quite prehensile enough to pull it off.  I did often hit the power button on my old hard drive (RIP) that sat on the floor with my big toe whenever I would wake up in the morning on my nights off to save some strain on my precious vertebrae…

Sometimes, the little piggies are actually useful for something other than getting painfully stubbed.

7. Have you accidentally farted while on a first date?

Since my next date will be my first, I can’t really answer that question.  But I’ve audibly broke wind more times than I can count in awkward public situations… usually trying to quietly pass what will refuse to come out as anything but a roar.  I’ve managed to cut loose in front of customers at work before… but then again, a customer once sneezed point blank in my face and whizzed right on by with her cart like nothing had ever happened.  That’s a bit more rude than cutting the cheese around others…

And apparently, you should also cover your vomit.

8. Did you know that the bird is the word? (Everybody know that the bird is the word.)

Birds suck.

Nasty little photobombers…

9. Do you always wash your hands after you use the lavatory?

No.  I try not to piss on my hands, and my crotch is probably cleaner than your dog’s mouth.  This hand sanitizing habit is more paranoia being spread by the germophobe crowd who are going to have the human race’s immune system so susceptible to germs after decades of heavy antimicrobial use that only the people who refuse to wash their hands ten times a day will survive the Great Pandemic of 2069…

And the dogs who spend all day licking their balls.  They’ll survive.

10. Do you agree that people are strange, especially when you’re a stranger?

Everyone is strange.  Why do we call people we don’t know strangers anyway?  How do we know they’re stranger than us?  Maybe they have tattoos and actually wash their hands after they tinkle like everyone else…

And finally……….

11. Do you tidy up the table before you leave a restaurant or do you give no fucks?

I scrape as much of my nasty ass food mess up as I can when I eat.  Hotel maids are paid to clean up after people.  Restaurant employees are not.  They have many other important things to do besides picking up the fucking disgusting, half-eaten mess you couldn’t be bothered to haul five feet to the nearest trash can.  After years of dealing with lazy ass customers who can’t put their unwanted items back where they belong, I would never force another service worker to have to take time to do something that it is just common courtesy to do for myself…

Thank you for being so considerate, sir. We’ll make sure to leave the “secret sauce” off your Big Mac next time…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Squirrel Droppings and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to Questions 67 and 68

  1. I think I actually read a study that showed how anti-microbial stuff was actually setting up super viruses and bacteria. We don’t use anti-microbial anything and oddly, we don’t get any sicker than anyone else and less than many. SO there!

    • I absolutely believe that and have harped on it before. The ones who are always getting sick are the same people who go through an entire bottle of hand sanitizer every week. Regular exposure to germs is actually good for the immune system… if you think about it, that kinda works on the same principle that vaccinations do…

  2. JackieP says:

    You are so kind to help Mer. She needs a few giggles. And what is with dressing up your pets?? I have always had pets and the last time I dressed up a pet I was 4 years old and didn’t know better. 😉

  3. draliman says:

    I always suspected Keith Richards had died some time ago…
    And what’s with that crazy Halloween costume? And ages 3 to adult, like any adult would be caught dead wearing it. I wonder if you can still buy it? Just hypothetically. In time for the 31st.

  4. Merbear74 says:

    Only John and Sir Paul played on “The Ballad of John and Yoko” because they were the only ones who were in the studio that day and John was in a rush to record it. Sir Paul played the drums.
    Thank you for cheering me up, ES. You made me smile and seeing your drawing of critter me slapping the shit out of you makes me feel all fuzzy warm inside.

    • I have heard that fact about the song a few times. I guess Ringo had the runs that day and couldn’t leave the toilet.

      Thank you for giving me something silly to add a little spice to my blog. And for giving me an excuse to dig up that shitty old costume I almost forgot about…,

  5. Merbear74 says:

    Reblogged this on Knocked Over By A Feather and commented:

    Leave it to my great friend ES to be the only one to answer my silly Sunshine Award questions.

  6. Great stuff ES………I’m sure Merbear enjoyed the twist on the questions that only YOU could answer with squirrel-like panache (that’s a $5 word if ever there was one).

    Pam

    • Wow, I’m going to have to look that one up in my $5 dictionary! Is panache something I can get delivered on the side with my pizza?

      • I kinda thought panache might be a form of ganache which is that nice shiny chocolate topping that is dumped on some cakes to give it that amazing SMOOTH chocolate “finish” BUTTTT I kinda think a pizza topping is a more interesting idea; “Yeah, and would you put some anchovies and extra panache on that thin crust pizza too???”…………..

  7. It’s universal then. Oko has the screeching voice of a TomCat being pulled through a knot hole. As for that Halloween costume…um…it explains a. whole. lot. I think. LOL Hope the Sunshine Award brightens your friend’s day up. Or the answers to the Q&A portion of the award. BTW, WHO thinks up these questions? Happy weekend.

  8. Ladybuggz says:

    I hate accepting awards also but have never thought of just answering the questions, hmmm, maybe next time!
    Answered like a true bachelor ES! People who have never worked in the Service industry don’t seem to understand about waitresses, my hubby included! That must be a man thing about not peeing on your hand, my worst half says the same thing!
    Got to love your attitude towards life…but you need to get out and get yourself a date! ❤

    • I skipped everything but the questions a few times when I was either starving for a post idea or thought they were somewhat interesting. I’ve long got past any feelings of guilt over not accepting the awards themselves, though…. those things are the VD of blogging! I sometimes wonder if most people made it through their lives without ever having to work a service job, or if they hated the experience so much that they want to exact revenge by making it hell on those of us who still do work those jobs. I’d bet the girls would just be lining up to date a 42 year old guy who has no idea how the whole romance thing works…

  9. Angie says:

    “The Ballad of John and Yoko” has always been one of my favorites, too. I think because I loved singing the words “Christ you know it ain’t easy, you know how hard it can be. The way things are goin’, they’re gonna crucify me” at SO MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE. They’ve always just seemed to fit. (Loved this, by the way.)

  10. Merbear74 says:

    Oh…and Yoko still loves you, ES. Even when she’s a dead celebrity, she’ll love you.
    Yoko will always love you.

  11. Ally Bean says:

    Your answers are spot on and in keeping with the questions you answered. I don’t know why you doubt yourself when you clearly have a gift for answering probing questions like these.

  12. I’m all in favour of being nice to Mer right now.

    As for the handwashing thing, technically I just rinse mine.

  13. Trisha says:

    I need to work on embracing germy hands. My hand are all cracked and dry from too much washing, which is pointless since I live with three people who don’t wash their hands. It’s not really germs I worry about. It’s this probably imaginary gummy grime I feel on things that other people have touched. In the case of my youngest spawn, the grime isn’t imaginary though. The kid must never wash his hands. There is gray, gummy grime everywhere he goes!

    I sure would love to see a photo of little you wearing that Wunkin Punkin costume!

    • My hands were pretty nasty when I was a kid too…. though I also was forced to play outside a lot. I just didn’t like cleaning up because….. well, it just didn’t seem necessary!

      I am so glad I do not have easy access to the old family photos, because I just might be tempted to post some of them and later regret it!

  14. K E Garland says:

    L…M…A…O Thanks so much for this morning laughter.

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