CHIP: Hello everybody, this is Chip Seacrest, and welcome to the 69th season of Shelf Critter Idol! This is where it all begins for thousands of hopefuls each year looking to become the next fucked up star of WordPress’ most fucked up series…
SPONKIE 2: Hold it a minute, Chip! What’s with the funny script on the title card?
CHIP: Apparently neither the newfangled version of Paint NOR Photoshop could be bothered to have the Nuptial font, so we’re stuck with this shit called “Vladimir.” It looks like ass, but then again, that will be nothing new around here…. so let’s get on with the Shelf Critter Idol auditions! First, let’s meet our esteemed panel of clueless judges…
CHIP: On the left, washed up pop star turned porn star Mitzi Abdul! In the middle, some guy we dragged off the streets, Snuggie Jackson! And the critter who would be as silent as Marcel Marceau if he ever followed the golden rule… Simon Fuzzywig!
MITZI: Like, Hi Mommy!!!! Lookie at me! All famous and stuff!!!
CHIP: Um, Snuggle… the show’s sponsorship contract is with the Coca Cola. You aren’t supposed to be drinking that!
SNUGGLE: Oh yeah, like a bunch of guys who thought New Coke was a great idea are gonna be smart enough to tell I’m drinking hooch instead of their battery acid in a can they want to sell! Dude, I mean, Dawg, come on!
FUZZYWIG: Has anyone seen Raul? I think he left a pubic hair on my Co….
CHIP: (Thankfully interrupting Fuzzy) Moooooooooving right along….. let’s meet our first audition hopeful of the evening!
JOKEY: Hello, I’m Jokey Squirrel, and want to be the next Shelf Critter Idol because I can charm the audience with my good looks, and create a sense of suspense with the mystery of what’s inside of my gift-wrapped package!
FUZZYWIG: We’ll decide when the script calls for surprises…. now show us what’s inside that box!
JOKEY: OK, judges! You asked for it………
CHIP: OK, I think we’re back on the air now…
FUZZYWIG: It’s a good thing we tape this show on a 4 minute 20 second delay…
CHIP: Let’s get the reaction of the judges…
MITZI: Ooooooooohhhh!!! Like, you got Mitzi all hot and bothered and moisturized! You totally got the gift that keeps on com…. er, I mean giving! I say YES!
SNUGGLE: Dude! Do I look like I signed up to attend a sausage fest? Besides, your gimmick screams Christmas and you’d just sit around here and collect dust most of the year while you stole my babes with that box. It’s not only no, it’s HELL NO!
FUZZY: So much for that saying about good things coming in small packages. And I do mean small packages… you don’t even have anything on Lady Gaga’s meat. It’s two NO’s, and you’re out! George! Will you please take care of this reject?
Sorry, no golden ticket for you, Jokey….
FUZZYWIG: That’s gonna leave a mark…
SNUGGLE: This is how every talent show should treat their failures! NEXT!!!!
BROTHER: Howdy everyone! Brother Bear here, and I think I’d make an excellent Shelf critter because…
SNUGGLE: Dude! Only Mitzi’s allowed to lay down on the job around here!
BROTHER: Sorry, but I can’t stand up. Manufacturing defect…
MITZI: Can’t you, like, sit up on your buns?
BROTHER: Nope, head’s too top heavy. Naw, all I can do is just lie here. Do I get the job?
FUZZYWIG: This isn’t Mecca. A Shelf Critter actually has to work to earn their pittance.
MITZI: Ooooooh, I can totally think of lots of yummy fun scenes I can do with you in that position, Bwuther Wuther Bear! YES, YES, YES!!!
SNUGGLE: Dude! I’ve got a fucking pot belly from eating honey by the gallon back in my TV commercial days, and even I can sit my ass up straight so I don’t look like a deadbeat on stage! Fuck, NO!
FUZZYWIG: I don’t even look like that after chain smoking a whole bag of weed. You are so NOT making it to the finals. (Snaps his fingers) Death from above!
BROTHER: I don’t understand you….. wha……. AAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
MITZI: Wasn’t that, like supposed to be an anvil?
FUZZYWIG: Are you kidding? Acme Products are too damn expensive for our budget. Besides, the anvil bit’s been done to death. A falling Buddha…. that’s comic genius!
PURPLE: Hello, I’m the Purple Pebble, and I think…
MITZI: Oh, Bashful! You don’t look so well!
PURPLE: Bashful? Who is that? My name is…
SNUGGLE: I thought we shipped your ass back out of here last year! You’re pretty brave to come back after all the abuse you got…
PURPLE: You are mistaken. I’m a purple rock with red spots!
FUZZYWIG: And I sure hope those aren’t contagious. We don’t get health insurance with this gig…
CHIP: What do the judges think about this Bashful wannabe?
MITZI: You look so perty and kyoooot!!! And hard! I like that in a man! Signs point to YES!
SNUGGLE: Sorry, dude! But you’re gonna get nowhere imitating a legend like Bashful. No way, Jose!
FUZZYWIG: Nobody likes a copyrock, especially one with the measles. N-O, NO! (Whistles) Hey mutt!!! Come do one of your tricks here for this loser…
Fleabag enters stage doggy door and immediately greets the purple rock with something on the opposite side of the color wheel…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! WEE! WEE! WEE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SNUGGLE: Bring out the next reject, Chip, then go fetch a puppy pad, or a tampon, or something!
HAM: Hammy here! Your Shelf Critter Theatre show could use a really cool piggy like myself to keep the audience snorting! Casting me as the star is like money in the bank! Now, who wants to get porked?
CHIP: Uh oh….
MITZI: Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! This little piggy’s gonna go to Mitzi until she, like cries wee wee wee all the way home! YES, please!!!
SNUGGLE: Mitzi may wanna choke on a ham sandwich, but the only bacon I want to see around here is in the shelf cafeteria. Get lost!
FUZZYWIG: Sorry, but we discriminate against pigs here at Shelf Critter Theatre. There, I said it. That’s a big NO, and Buster will see you out…
BUSTER: Wow, I thought Porky was the only stuttering pig in the world! Hiya, pal! I’m Buster! Let’s go play out in the street!
Buster takes Hammy’s hand and drags him out of the audition studio. Right on cue, the squealing of semi truck tires and then the squealing of future pork chops can be heard.
SNUGGLE: Ned Beatty would be so proud! NEXT!!!
MARY: Hello! (Puts her finger in her mouth and makes doe eyes at the judges) Won’t you let a cute little lamb like myself be the next big Shelf Critter star?
MITZI: You are like totes adorbs!!!! I wish I could electrocute in cute, girly emojis!!!!
FUZZYWIG: That’s “elocute,” Mitz. As for you, Lambchop, you look a bit too innocent and naive for a production like this. I’m sorry….
MARY: Don’t you wanna see my special talent?
Snuggle Bear and Fuzzywig shake their heads…
MITZI: We’d totally love to!!!
Then roll their eyes…
Which almost causes them to miss out on the Coyote Ugly dance Mary does on the judge’s table…
And it rains in Southern California…...
Man, it pours…
MARY: So what do the judges think of this naive, innocent little ewe now?
MITZI: Sorry widdow wammy, but Mitzi doesn’t need any competition as the Shelf’s biggest slut. For the first time in my life, Mitzi has to say NO to someone!
SNUGGLE: Fuck, YEAH!!!! Do you do lap dances as well? My dressing room’s always open, Baby!!!
FUZZYWIG: As much as I enjoyed the entertainment and almost cracked a smile for the first time in this show’s history, I’m afraid there’s too many preverts and creeps around here to handle someone as provocative as you are. Besides, nature gave me this ugly ass face and critters that look sickeningly cute bother me. It’s a NO, and this looks like a job for (hides behind the table) Mr. Fox…
MITZI: Oh noes! (Turns around) I can’t look….
Mr. Fox wanders out onto the set and stops in front of Mary.
MARY: I saw all the other failures get sent out of here in body bags, but I get an escort from a critter that is just as cute as me! You all love me anyway!
SNUGGLE: (Putting on eclipse glasses) Dude! Don’t look at him!
MARY: What? How can you NOT look at him! He’s so…..
FUZZYWIG: (From a very safe place) Ever seen Raiders of the Lost Ark?
MITZI: The scene with those, like, Nasties!
MARY: What are you guy talking abou………. ummmmmm…. what’s happening to……. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Once the melted remains of Mary have all seeped into the already bloodstained floor, Mr. Fox and his killer gaze exits the studio…
SNUGGLE: (Coolly removing his shades) NEXT!
SNUGGLE: Dafuq!?!? Dude, you’re already on the Shelf Critter cast!
TROLL: Not since I got fired last week for forgetting to stock the TP in the executive outhouse and someone used the script to wipe with!
FUZZYWIG: I don’t know how you managed to pass your first audition. You certainly wouldn’t get another chance to be the fuck up you are…
EVIL SQUIRREL: There you are!!!
EVIL: The johns around here haven’t been cleaned out in almost a week! You are such a slacker!
TROLL: But you gave me my pink slip!
EVIL: That was not a pink slip!!! It was a used maxi pad someone found clogging up the toilet in the men’s room! I wanted to know why you failed to remove it!!!
TROLL: Oh. I’m sorry. I’ll get right on it…. ummm…. I kinda lost my toilet bowl brush.
EVIL: No worries. Use this.
TROLL: Errrr…. isn’t that my toothbrush?
EVIL: Your damned right it is!!! You keep losing the company’s equipment, so I’m gonna start making you use your own!!! Now get scrubbing!!!!!!
Troll takes the toilet bowl cleaner and his toothbrush and gets to work swabbing the poopdeck.
CHIP: Well, I think that’s all the auditioners we have that were compelling enough to put on the air. I guess this show’s over….
RAINY: Not yet it isn’t!!!!
FUZZYWIG: This is gonna be another no….
RAINY: I didn’t come here to audition! I came here to give you moronic judges a piece of my mind!!!
RAINY: You call this a talent show, and then you do nothing but drag every loser who shows up for the free exposure on my television screen! I am sick and tired of watching other critters fail while a bunch of clowns like you ridicule them and turn primetime into FAIL TV! You want talent? Let me show you talent!!!
CHIP: (Holding his nose offstage) Well, let’s see what the judges thought of Rainy’s performance…
CHIP: It looks like television’s most talkative judges have nothing to say for once, much to the delight of everyone I’m sure. And since everyone else who tried out was terminated with extreme prejudice…. that makes Rainy our 2017 Shelf Critter Idol WINNER!!!
RAINY: Ohhhhhhhhhhh, I am SO excited about this! I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a monsoon right now!
CHIP: Would you like to sing a song for the audience to close the show out on?
RAINY: Oh, I’d love to!
Chip hands Rainy the microphone as she walks up on the big stage and prepares to sing her heart out for the fans who didn’t vote for her…
RAINY: Wait a minute! I don’t know what song I should sing…
CHIP: DJ Scratchy’s already picked one out for you. Just lip synch along to the words on the big screen…
RAINY: What big screen?
CHIP: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh…… (steps back and holds his nose again)