Expect The Unexpected

MITZI: Like, many thankies to all of you BFF’s of mine for coming to my Big Girls Toys party!

LUNA: What is this?  I thought this was going to be a Tupperware party!

SCRATCHY: (Singing) It’s such a good vibration!!!  It’s such a sweeeeet sen-sa-tion!

MARY: I’m not a big girl, but I wanna be!

SAGE: Hey!  What’s up with that possum?

RAINY: Yeah!  There shouldn’t be any guys at a gathering like this!

BUSTER: Um, why did you invite me here?  I’m too old to be playing with any toys.

MITZI: Oh, don’t you worry little possie wossie!  Mitzi brought you along for a verrry special reason!  But first…. let’s get a look at some of this year’s, like, totally bitchin’ new models in feminine self pleasure!!!

MITZI: Here’s a brand new product called the Totally Tubular Torpedo!  This state of the art phallic apparatus is guaranteed to satisfy even the deepest….

RAINY: HEY!!!!!!!

RAINY: I’ve been looking for that!!!  What have you been doing with my precious rain gauge!?!?!?

MITZI: Oh, like, no worries skunkie wunkie!  This demo has only been slightly used!

RAINY: Slightly…. what!?!?

MITZI: Want me to, like, lick it clean?


Rainy puts her questionably used rain gauge back in her hole….. er, not that hole! Her rain gauge hole…. um….. well, you know what I mean.

MITZI: Alrighty then!  Let’s check out another exciting product from the Big Girls line!

The audience gasps as Mitzi pulls another toy out of her sack…

SAGE: That is BIG!

MARY: It’s YUGE!!!

SCRATCHY: I’ll bet it takes a shitload of D batteries…

SPARKLEPONY: My hubs would freak out if he knew I was looking at something bigger than he is.  Let me get my credit card….

MITZI: How about a, like, demonstration?

LUNA: That is too big for even a goddess like myself!  Who would dare try to demonstrate such a monstrosity?

MITZI: Out very special guest!!! (Puts her hoof on Buster’s shoulder)

BUSTER: Huh?  I don’t know how to use that…

MITZI: It’s, like, as easy as ATV!  You just stick in your vajajay!

BUSTER: But I don’t have a vaj…..

Mitzi isn’t about to let a thing like anatomy stop her demonstration…

MITZI: You do now!!!!!

BUSTER: I’m gonna just waddle on into the bathroom to finish bleeding out….. excuse me, ladies.

Buster exits dragging the latest demonstration behind him.

MITZI: (Shouting towards Buster) The tampoons are on the top shelf next to the horn cream!  Now, let’s see what else Big Girls Toys is having a special offer on….

MITZI: Ah yes…. maybe this will be, like, the perfect size for the less experienced critterettes out there!  This solid head pin is a total cinch to bowl over even the driest approach when the ball return isn’t working!  Look closely as….

Mitzi begins fidgeting around uncomfortably….

RAINY: I sure hope you aren’t using one of your own products as you try to sell us this filthy paraphernalia.

MITZI: I feel weird……. like……. o…. m……g…… (holds her belly) what just happened?

SAGE: You’ve obviously been getting too much protein in your diet…

After several more minutes of strange behavior, Mitzi raises herself up and looks under where she was sitting….

SCRATCHY: Dafuq!?!?

MARY: Oh my!  Are those…..


MITZI: That was the first time I ever pooped from there before!

LUNA: How on god’s shelf did you just lay eggs?  I’m pretty sure I didn’t give that capability to unicorns back when I was creating this universe…

MITZI: I don’t know…… but…… does this, like, mean…… I’m a Mommy now?

RAINY: Who have you been rolling around in the hay with lately?

MITZI: You mean, like, in the last couple weeks or just last night?

RAINY: Mitzi, you are such a slut!  You honestly have no idea who the father of these eggs could be, do you?

MITZI: Well, I could narrow it down to, like…. four or five….. hundred.

SPARKLEPONY: Some malecritter on this shelf is about to owe you 18 years worth of foal support!  Top shelf help who that might be….

MARY: They’re not gonna be very happy your pills didn’t work….

RAINY: Or that they were too cheap to buy a raincoat!  Mitzi, you should keep these eggs a secret from the guys until they hatch.  They’ll flip out if they discover one of them might be a new dad two times over…

MITZI: OK.  Like, this is totally under wraps then!  Thanks grrlfriends for being so supportive of Mitzi the Mommy!  I need to start knitting some diapers!

SCRATCHY: You got it, Mitz!  This doesn’t leave the room….

Meanwhile….. on the other side of the shelf…..

SNUGGLE: YES!  Nut flush again!  (Scoops up the pot)  Come to Uncle Snuggie!

CHIP: A flush of what suit?  I see diamonds and clubs and….

SNUGGLE: Boobs, dude!  I got all boobs!

FUZZYWIG: The odds of getting a boob flush are about 4:20.  Who’s got next deal?

RAINBOW DONKEY: That’ll be me.  Six card stud…. blondes are wild.

SNUGGLE: Dude!  Do you MIND!?!?  You’re covering up my view of the hole card!

SHADOW: You all better enjoy the frivolity of this illegal gambling with peep show cards while you can…. I’ve got some bad news for you all.

FUZZYWIG: Uncle Sam just busted another of my favorite MARIHUANA farms?

SHADOW: Worse than that, my masked friend.  Seems the shelf’s favorite dime Mitzi had a couple of buns just come out of the oven.  Someone here is about to be the father of twins….

Playing cards, dollar bills, and a few stiff drinks are all simultaneously dropped to the floor….

ALL: WHAT!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?!?

SHADOW: Two eggs just appeared that have some unlucky critter’s chromosomes all over them.  Who’s put their junk in that trunk lately?

SNUGGLE: No, man….. this like, can’t be happening…… I mean, there’s no way it’s me!  I’ve only had…. um…… a couple times…… no wait, I forgot about that time at the laundromat last week…. dammit!  I knew I should have sprung for that vasectomy!

FUZZYWIG: No, man, not me!  I haven’t been near that unicorn in months!  Well, maybe other than all those times I was too high to remember what I was doing.  Surely I didn’t….. man, I need to start using the cannabis patch!

CHIP: Well, don’t look at me!  I’m one of the more well behaved critters in this gang, and I wouldn’t be hitting up our resident bimbo………….. more than…………….. a few times………. oh, shit.

RAINBOW DONKEY: I would never betray my wife by cheating on her with another mare.  If I keep telling myself that, I might actually believe it’s true…….

FUZZYWIG: Well, Troll?  What about you?

CHIP: Yeah, we know you see Mitzi too!

SNUGGLE: Dude!  What the fuck are you doing…..

TROLL: I’m going to have to steal this card and hang it up on my bathroom wall next to my Cabbage Patch centerfold!

SNUGGLE: DUDE!!!!  Quit twiddling your twig to my special playing cards and snap back to reality!!!  Mitzi just laid eggs!  You might be their pop!

TROLL: Huh?  What?  Oh…… well, crap!  I can’t resist her “tips” when I deliver pizza to her stable.  I guess that means my unemployment checks will start getting garnished!  Ain’t that just fucking grand?

SHADOW: Yes, too bad.  It sucks to be all of you….

FUZZYWIG: Not so fast, Mr. Dumbreon.  Who have you been banging at the Pokestop lately?

SHADOW:  How dare you accuse me of being the sort to train with such an utter bimbo.  I am an upstanding Pokecritter who would never………………

SHADOW:  OK, I guess I did have one moment of weakness recently.  Do you have any idea what it’s like to have blue Pokeballs and run into one of the best female trainers around to take care of them?

FUZZYWIG: So we’re all in this together, gentlecritters.

CHIP: As well as every other denizen of this shelf that would call themselves a male.

TROLL: You know, I’ve been thinking of having the Jenner procedure….

RAINBOW DONKEY: Too late, Troll.  You’d just become the world’s first deadbeat mom…

SNUGGLE: This is AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNUGGLE: I don’t want to spend the prime of my life supporting two kids I’ll have to somehow learn to tolerate every other weekend!  Why does sex have to actually get chicks pregnant anyway!?!?  That’s so unfair!!!  (Takes a huge swig of his booze)  It’s like getting absolutely plastered and then having an 18 year hangover!  No!  This can’t happen!!!  I can’t be a dad!!!!  I don’t wanna be a dad!!!!!   MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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17 Responses to Expect The Unexpected

  1. franhunne4u says:

    This had to happen one time …

  2. It was going to happen sooner or later, right?

    I apologise for any confusion with your likes, I was logged in on the wrong account and hadn’t realised until I was giong to comment, which could have been embarrassing.

  3. Merbear74 says:

    Don’t forget to ask my husband…

  4. Quirky Girl says:

    Oh, Mitzi. And Snuggle! I already pity their offspring… Yikes!

    • Well, we don’t know if he’s the “lucky” one yet or not. In fact, I have no idea what the offspring even will be… so that story won’t write itself until I “hatch” the eggs in the finale! Should be a nice cliffhanger…

  5. I totally did not know about unicorns and eggs. I am absolutely in agreement that sex and reproduction ought to be completely separate functions. Putting them together like that? UNFAIR! We need to picket. Protest! Or, at the least, complain and whine a bit, right? Mitzi, Snuggle? Be kind to whatever comes out of those eggs.

    • Science hasn’t had a chance to study the reproductive habits of unicorns yet, so I can only assume that egg laying hasn’t been ruled out for them yet. I do not know what’s inside the eggs yet. I know whatever they are will be sickeningly cute since these “eggs” are a popular Christmas toy this year. That would probably disqualify most of the guys in my collection just based on cute genetics…

  6. Now this is a page-turner if ever there was one…….Mitzi? Having baby-somethings? This egg laying should have occurred before Halloween because it would truly have started the occasion off with a horror show of epic proportions! Most importantly, will there be a baby shower for her????


    • That’s a good idea for an in-between story! I don’t plan on having the big reveal for about another month or so, so there’ll be plenty of opportunity for something like that!

      Now that I’ve really thought it over, you might’ve just given me a REALLY good idea for an “interactive” episode of Shelf Critter Theatre! Thanks!

  7. draliman says:

    What a cliffhanger!
    That has to be Buster’s worst ever death.

  8. Trisha says:

    Well, I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later the way Mitzi gets around. Could Buster be in danger of being the father once he is reborn? I don’t remember if Mitzi’s gone there. It will be interesting to see what sort of creatures hatch from these eggs!

    • Right now, I’d say pretty much anyone and everyone is in play to be the lucky dad! And what’s great is I don’t even know who the “winner” is going to be since I don’t know what’s inside those eggs myself. I’ll worry about writing that big reveal on the spot sometime next month…. but for the time being, I’m gonna have a little fun with this new wrinkle in the SCT story!

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