Children Of The Unicorn

SPONKIE 1: Mommy!  When will we old enough not to have to go to day care?

SPARKLEPONY: Maybe when you are old enough to qualify for Social Security…

SPONKIE 2: But Mommy!  All of the rest of the foals in our class are latchkey critters!

SPARKLEPONY: Put a feed bag in it!  You are both my babies, and I will continue to treat you like babies for the rest of your lives!

SPONKIES: Sigh….

TWILIGHT: Good morning, Mrs. Sparklepony!  How has work been treating you?

SPARKLEPONY: It’s getting harder and harder to squeeze into those little orange shorts every day.  But someone’s gotta bring home the hay since my worser half is only good for entertaining at girls birthday parties.  Take good care of my l’il ones!

TWILIGHT: Oh, I’m sorry Mrs. Sparklepony… but I have an important tax credit class to attend today.  And my partner Applejack called in sick with the possum trots, so it’ll just be my new trainee in charge of all the rugrats today!

SPARKLEPONY: Ummmmm….. who is this new trainee?  And are they qualified to….

Yooooohooooooo!!!!!!

MITZI: Like, I forgot what we’re supposed to do with these nasty poopoo diapers after we change them, Miss Twilight.

SPARKLEPONY: I think I’ll be calling the Division of Family Services…

TWILIGHT: No no, Mrs. Sparklepony!  Trust me!  Mitzi is perfectly capable of supervising young children.

MITZI: I am!  I’m, like, the most awesome critter sitter in the whole wide world!

Sparklepony shakes her head and leaves her twins in the expert care of a bimbocorn.

TWILIGHT: I’m leaving, Mitzi, so you’re the adult around here now!  Remember everything I taught you…

MITZI: I totally will, Miss Twilight!  I want to be a good mommy for my little babies, and this will be, like, awesome practice for taking care of kiddies!

TWILIGHT: So long, and good luck!

Twilight leaves Mitzi in charge of the juvenile insane asylum…

MITZI: This should be a total piece of cupcake!  (Turns to the boy Sponkie who is humping her leg)  Well, aren’t you just, like, a real total doll baby!

SPONKIE 1: I hope Mom never takes us out of day care now!

SPONKIE 2: Knock it off, bro!  Or Mommy will have to take the riding crop to you again…

REX THE RAINBOW DINOSAUR: Miss Mitzi!  I’m bored!  Do you have any toys to play with!

MITZI: Oh, you totally know Mitzi’s always packing some toys to play with!  Let me go get my Cucci purse…

SPONKIE 2: Ummmm….. how about you read us a story instead?

The kids all jump up and down and squeal like little pains in the ass at the prospect of story time.

MITZI: YAY!  Totally amazeballs idea!  Reading is, like, Funkadelic!

MITZI: Let’s see…. once upon a time, there was a pool boy named Fabio who was working for the freshly divorced Miss Nastysnatch.  While watching the beefcake Fabio work to fish a Baby Ruth out of her pool, Miss Nastysnatch was unable to control her desire to put her hand down on her…

SQUIRREL KID 1: Miss Mitzi, are you sure this story is age appropriate for us?

MITZI: I’m sorry, little squirrely whirly.  Is, like, vajayjay too big of a word for you all?

SQUIRREL KID 2: What’s a vajayjay?

SQUIRREL KID 3: I heard Suzie showed Johnny her vajayjay one time, and now he’s blind as a bat!

SQUIRREL KID 4: Could you use that word in a sentence?

LITTLEST: I don’t know what’s going on here, but I’m telling Mommy anyway!

TINA: You boys are so stupid!  Let me show you what a vajayjay is…

KID 3: DON’T LOOK!!!!!!!!!

KID 4: I’ll bet it’s crawling with cooties!!!

MITZI: OK, I think story time is all done now.  Now it’s time to, like, go play outside!

The hellions under Mitzi’s charge practically stampede over each other to get out the door so they can play on the day care’s lead paint contaminated playground…

Psssst!!!  Hey kids!!!

KID 1: Hey mister!  What’s in the bag?

FUZZYWIG: The good stuff, kiddo!  Pure, 100%, unadulterated, heat lamp grown MARIHUANA!

KID 2: Is MARIHUANA anything like vajayjay?

KID 3: It smells AWFUL!  (Crawls inside the bag) I wanna taste!

MITZI: What’s going on here, little puppies?

KID 4: This nice critter is letting us try some vaj…. I mean, MARIHUANA!

MITZI: Oh noes!  You can’t touch that!

FUZZYWIG: And why not?  It isn’t just for 4:20 anymore.

MITZI: No no no!  Bad squirrelies!  That is a drug, and it’s, like, totally bad for you and stuff!  Remember what Officer Friendly used to say!

FUZZYWIG: I just sold him half an ounce of this stuff last night…

MITZI: HUGS!!!!!  Not drugs!

Mitzi makes good on the slogan…

FUZZYWIG: Well, there just went my ribs into a fine powder.  I never thought being crushed in cleavage would actually a bad thing…

After releasing the drug dealer from her atomic hug, Mitzi takes the MARIHUANA away from the curious children and throws it in the recycling bin…

TINA: Miss Mitzi!!! Miss Mitzi!!!

MITZI: Oh! Em! Gee!  What happened to you, little grrl?

TINA: I got bit by a mean old dog!

TINA: That’s him!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! FOAM! FOAM! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

MITZI: Ooooh!  He’s, like, totally drooling over us, grrlfriend!

TINA: That’s rabies, Miss Mitzi!

MITZI: Oh.  Well, would you like Miss Mitzi to kiss your booboo better?

TINA: I’d like to keep your STD’s away from my open wound if you don’t mind.  Maybe you should call the dog catcher?

MITZI: Totally fab idea!

TROLL: Shelf City auxiliary dog catcher reporting for duty!

MITZI: Can you catch the doggy that bit poor Tina’s hoofie woofie?

TINA: Yeah!  And he’s foaming at the mouth too!

TROLL: That means that once we catch him we’ll have to cut off his head and dissect his brain to check for rabies.

TINA: COOL!!!!

TROLL: What did he look like?

MITZI: He, like, had four legs, a tail, and was as kyooot as can be!

With that accurate description in hand, Troll goes out to bring this rabid critter to justice…

TROLL: Found him!

TINA: I don’t think…..

MITZI: That’s totally him!!!  Good work, Mr. Dog Snatcher!

BUSTER: I believe there must be some mistake…

TROLL: Yeah, yeah…. let me know about it while I’m sawing off your skull.

Troll leads the unfortunate possum away to his completely expected doom.  And now, it’s time for the most funnest activity at day care….

MITZI: NAP TIME!!!!

The only good child is a child who’s sound asleep….

SPONKIE 1: Miss Mitzi!  Can I sleep here with you?

MITZI: Oh, you totally can you adorabubbly little horsey!

Mitzi lets the lovesick colt rest up against her leg, and soon enough, even Mitzi falls asleep…

Awwwwwwww.  Thank goodness the kids don’t need any adult supervision during nap time.  What could possibly go wrong….?

SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah!  It’s a good thing I ignore that stupid law that says I have to stay at least a mile away from a place like this.  I’ve got the pick of the litter, and nobody’s around to stop me!

SNUGGLE: (Whispering) Hey little girl?  Want some of Uncle Snuggie’s candy?

TINA: Huh?  Oh, and I was just dreaming of Tootsie Rolls too!  Gimme!!!!

SNUGGLE: It’s so easy sometimes, I’m ashamed of myself.  Now to get this delicious little morsel back to my windowless van….

L’IL STINKER: Excuse me….

SNUGGLE: Huh?  Who said that?  Where are….

Snuggle Bear looks down.

SNUGGLE: Well, well!  You are a little one indeed!

STINKER: Please don’t make such a fuss about me.  I’m very shy…

SNUGGLE: Well, there’s no reason to be shy around such a trusted adult as myself!  Why don’t you come sit up in my lap here and have a piece of candy!

STINKER: Yes, I’d like to do that, thank you.

SNUGGLE: The shy ones are always the best ones!

STINKER: That’s true…. and we’re also the least likely ones to do something like this….

With absolutely no warning, the tiniest paw in the world makes a crushing direct hit on Snuggle Bear’s fluffy jewels….

SNUGGLE: (high pitched, incoherent whining)

STINKER: I may be timid and antisocial, but I’m not about to let a prevert like you mess with Miss Mitzi’s children!  Now are you going to disappear, or do I have to ram one of Miss Mitzi’s big girl toys up your….

Snuggle Bear doesn’t even wait to hear L’il Stinker finish her threat.  He’s gone and back outside of the predator safe zone before you can say “Judge Roy Moore.”

MITZI: (awakened by the pathetic ursine squealing) Good grrl!!!  I always knew you had an outgoing, nutcracking side to you!

TWILIGHT: I’m back!  So, how did everything go on your first day alone, Mitzi?

MITZI: It went totally okie dokie, Miss Twilight!  Me and the kidlets had so much fun together!

SQUIRREL KID 1: Yeah!  We learned about vaj…. OOOF!!!!

Stinker scores another timely kick to the nads…

TWILIGHT: Excellent!  You’re going to make such a great addition to our staff!  And be such a wonderful mother to your hatchlings!

Mitzi had a smile about as wide as her stance on a Saturday night all the way back to her stable that evening, thinking about how well she was learning the basics of child care in advance of her parenthood…

MITZI: You two are gonna be the luckiest little baby wabies in the whole wide wonderful world!  Mama Mitzi’s gonna be able to take such good care of you both!  And don’t you worry if something comes up that Mommy can’t handle…. I’ve, like, totally got the unexpected covered!!!  Don’t we, little grrl?

STINKER: Totally, Miss Mitzi!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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16 Responses to Children Of The Unicorn

  1. Merbear74 says:

    This made me laugh so hard and I really needed that right now. Thank you ES, for being so totally twisted and fucking hilarious.
    Was that really marihuana in that bag?

  2. What a warm and wonderful story….(eeeek)……makes me glad I have no kids in day care that’s for sure BUTTT it also appears that Mitzi is at least semi-trying to learn some stuff about being an appropriate Mom. OK – so maybe “appropriate” isn’t the right word – how about “interesting” ???

    Pam

    • Mitzi’s heart is always in the right place, even if her brain might be on other things…. but I think she’ll do fine. Only one of her clients got horribly maimed (Two if you count Buster)….

  3. Well, that’s an interesting start to Mitzi’s learning of parenting skills….

  4. chattykerry says:

    I bet you had some marihuana before you wrote this elegant piece…

  5. draliman says:

    Aww. I can’t believe nothing went horribly wrong, Buster notwithstanding. Though MItzi did dodge a few bullets along the way.

  6. Hahahaha! I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that you continue to feature Sparklepony and family in your blog! I worked at a daycare before, and I can say this is pretty close to accurate, especially the little things like the baby on fire in the corner. My favorite has to be Snuggles’ head popping up, oh lol. You just knew that little freak had something to hide even back in his commercial days. Here’s to him getting caught in the lint trap. Great job! 😀

    • A baby catches themselves on fire every six seconds somewhere in the world. If my blog ever disappears, you will know I got a cease and desist order from whatever company owns that creepy bear now for all the awful things I’ve had it do in these episodes…

  7. Trisha says:

    My favorite parts were when Uncle Snuggie’s head popped up over the table while they were sleeping and when he got kicked in his fuzzy jewels. Mitzi’s hatchlings just might stand a chance if she’s able to keep Stinker around to help her out!

    • I don’t know if any of my critters is more versatile in the expression department than Snuggle Bear is. That wide eyed, open mouthed creepy smile just seems to work so well in so many different situations! For that matter, Mitzi does quite well despite not having a mouth…. something I didn’t even really pay attention to until I did that close up of her and the eggs last week!

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