The little critters lined up at the local Mecca to tell Santa what their greedy asses want for Christmas are beginning to grow restless as the jolly old elf is now a good half hour late for his scheduled meet and greet….
SPONKIE 2: Mommy, where’s Santa?
SPARKLEPONY: He’s probably in the bathroom, dear. It was a long ride from the North Pole to this god forsaken shelf.
SPONKIE 1: Maybe he got shot down by North Korea!
SAPRKLEPONY: I’m sure it’s just the possum trots…. hey elf! Where’s the fat man at?
SEYMOUR: I don’t know. He hasn’t called off yet….. oh wait, here he comes now!
SANTA: (Hic!) Chrishmash!!!
SEYMOUR: Santa!?!? Are you…. (hushes his voice to keep the kids and parents from noticing the obvious) inebriated!?!?
SANTA: Drunk as a fucking skunk, my (hic!) friend! If you had to do this job every damned holiday season, you’d be hitting the sauce pretty heavy as well.
SEYMOUR: You’re going to get us both fired before our seasonal employment is up!
SANTA: Put a stocking in it and let’s get this shit over with before I end up pissing in my own lap…
SANTA: Bring on the first little troublemaker!
CAPER SKUNK: SANTA!!!!!
SANTA: Sorry kid, but all skunks are on my naughty list.
CAPER: Your speciesism won’t get me down, Santa! Besides, I want something money can’t buy for Christmas….. recognition!
SANTA: Most people would recognize your scent from miles away.
CAPER: No…. I mean, in these plays! In the last episode, I set myself on fire and got mauled by the dog….. and NOBODY NOTICED!!! Buster doesn’t have that problem when he has a bad day… he’s a superstar!
SANTA: Oh, well boo hoo. Tell ya what, though…. since you were first in line, I’m gonna let you have a present that’s under the fake tree.
CAPER: A present!?!? YAY!!!!! Which one is it?
SANTA: That one there under the frayed electrical wire….
CAPER: Oh boy! Oh Boy! Oh….
SEYMOUR: Oh no! I’ll go get a fire extinguisher!
SANTA: No, go get the employee running the deli instead. The Christmas ham is gonna have a definite wang to it this year…
As the scorched skunk carcass is scraped up and brought back to the rotisserie, Santa’s next vict…. er, critter comes up to see Mr. Kringle.
ZAC: Oh boy oh boy oh boy, it’s really Santa!!! This is so exciting, I think I’ve got wood!
SANTA: You better tell me what you want for Christmas before I whip out my taser…
ZAC: I don’t want nothing Santa! Not a thing! Zero! Zilch! Zippo! Nada! I don’t need anything because I’m so happyhappyhappy already from my happy little happy pills I take fifteen times a day! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Yippie! Hip hop hooray!
SANTA: I know what will take your mood ring down a notch or ten… you’re getting this lump of coal!
ZAC: A lump of coal! Just for me! OMGOMGOMG!!! This is so awesome! I’m lovin’ it!
SANTA: Nobody is supposed to be happy about getting a lump of coal for Christmas!
ZAC: I am! I am! It’s so pretty! All for meeeeee!!! Mine mine mine!!!
As Zac hauls off with his lump of coal on his way to the psychiatrist’s office, the next little kiddie steps up to the plate…
TINA: Santa! We need to talk!
SANTA: Hold on, dearie, while I put this earbud full of Chipmunk muzak in my ear…
TINA: You didn’t get me ANYTHING on my list last year! What’s your excuse for giving me the shaft!?!?
SANTA: List? You had a list? Oh….. yeah….
SANTA: …that list. I guess it must have blown out of Santa’s sleigh on the way back to the Carrib…. er, cabin.
TINA: You better take good care not to lose THIS list, or I will be one very unhappy filly come Christmas morning!
SANTA: Yeah sure…. I tell you what. I’ve got something to keep your list on that will come in handy for me so I don’t….. uh…. lose it again this year.
SANTA: Yeah, I’ll just wind it around this roll….. er, scroll, and I’ll even store it out in my special shed with the moon on the door to make sure I can find it when I need it!
TINA: Good thinking, Santa! I can’t wait to take a selfie with the pile of presents under my tree this year! TTYL!
Tina giddily clip clops away as the next kid in line rolls up on a shopper scooter…
BROTHER BEAR: Hi Santa! I want to be able to stand up for Christmas so I can be a Shelf Critter star too!
SANTA: And I’d like a foot long yule log so I can retire from this racket and become a porn star. I don’t think either of us is gonna get what they want.
BROTHER: Surely Santa Claus has the Christmas magic to help out a physically challenged critter such as myself.
SANTA: Santa doesn’t have the magic to do a damned thing for the crippled.
BROTHER: I’m not crippled! I’m….
SANTA: You’re crippled! And you know what crippled critters get for Christmas?
SNUGGLE: Beep beep!
SANTA: Ah, I love a good politically incorrect Christmas special! NEXT!
SANTA: Is it Pride Week already?
REX: I’m Rex the Rainbow Dinosaur. And I want more roles in Shelf Critter Theatre for Christmas! I’m adorable, and yet they keep letting the stupid rainbow unicorn take all my roles!
SANTA: You look like a chew toy that’d get used in reindeer games. You could really help Santa out with the Big Delivery, though…
REX: (Suddenly very hopeful) You want me to guide your sleigh with my bright rainbow highlights!?!?!?!?
SANTA: Hell no! I’m not even emplying those useless reindeer anymore… Blitzen tastes great on a Club cracker. I’ve got a motorized sleigh now, and it could definitely use some more lubricant….
REX: Santa! That’s cruel! My Pa might be in that bottle!
SANTA: Who needs the power of eight tiny reindeer when you can have millions of dead dinosaurs get you around the world in a night! Al Gore can suck my carbon footprint! (Rex heads for the exit, leaving a trail of rainbow tears all the way) Who’s Nex…..
SANTA: I think you’re a few years and a couple breast sizes over the limit for Santa…
MITZI: Awwwwww, Santa baby! I didn’t come to sit on your lappie just for me this year! I brought the kidlets along to get their first pictures with you!
SANTA: I think these kids might be a little too young to be…
MITZI: Go ahead and tell Santie what you want, little babies!!!
The eggs are silent. Eggs don’t talk.
SANTA: This is ridiculous! Even for Shelf Critter Theatre! I’m not going to sit here with a couple eggs on my….
LEFT EGG: Daddy?
MITZI: Oooooooh! I think one of my baby Mitzies has found her sperm donor!
SANTA: Look, I may be called Father Christmas, but I’ll be damned if that’s ever taken literally! Get these things out of here before I get hungry for an omelet!
MITZI: OK, baby wabies, come with Mommy now! Oh, and Santa, you can, like, totally take back what you gave me last year!
SANTA: Is that a maxi pad!?!?
MITZI: Uh huh! I haven’t needed it in a while, so, like, can you give it out to a family in need?
SANTA: Get out! GET OUT! GET OUT!!!!!!!!!
Mitzi, her future hatchlings and the super sized sanitary napkin make their way over to the maternity lingerie aisle as Santa’s next customer struts up…
SANTA: Well, aren’t you just adorable. What do you want for Christmas, little lamb?
MARY: Nuttin’ much…… just a million dollars.
SANTA: A million dollars!?!? I have a toy shop up at the North Pole, honey, not a printing press!
MARY: A big shot corporate man living off the holiday cash cow like yourself has surely got a million dollars lying around somewhere he could give out to….. you know….. keep certain things from getting out.
SANTA: Are you trying to blackmail Santa Claus!?!?
MARY: Oh Santa, I know even up at the North Pole they got to have a news feed up there. It’s the sensation that’s sweeping the nation, and I have the photo of you groping me back in 1982!
SANTA: I did no such thing!!!
Mary waves the faded Olan Mills portrait in front of his face…
SANTA: Look at what the hell you were wearing!
MARY: Oh, are you insinuating that I was asking for it! Hmmmmm, we’ll see what your followers think when this picture’s on every newscast from New York to Tittybong, Australia. Guess your bosses are gonna have to start finding a replacement Santa…
SANTA: I can NOT be replaced! I did nothing wrong! I…………………
SANTA: Oh, fuck it! Now will you go away?
MARY: (Squeals) Oh Santa! You’re the bestest!
Mary gives Santa a kiss on the cheek and pat on the ass as she picks up her seven figure bill and hauls tail back to the trailer…
SANTA: Sigh….. next?
SANTA: Oh, wonderful. A pink elephant. Well, what do you want? Come on, I don’t have all day….
SQUIRREL CHILDREN: (Jumping up and down like idiots) SANTA!!!!!!!!
SANTA: Didn’t your folks teach you little hellions any manners? Wait your turn! The pink elephant was first!
CHILD 1: Pink elephant?
CHILD 2: What pink elephant?
SANTA: The pink elephant right here! Does Santa need to put some bifocals under your tree this year?
CHILD 3: There’s nothing there!
CHILD 4: Nothing at all!
LITTLEST: Are you crocked, Santa?
SANTA: What did you just say!?!?!?
SEYMOUR: Security! I think we’re going to need an immediate response to the Santa aisle!
SANTA: How can you kids not see this big, fat pink thing that’s right in front of you? Are you trying to pull one over on….
TROLL: Sir. We’re going to need to escort you from the building now.
SANTA: For what!?!?
FUZZYWIG: Violation of Section 4, Part 20 of the Christmas code…. impersonating a mall Santa while intoxicated.
SANTA: I’m not impersonating anyone! I AM Santa Claus! I am not crocked! And you two pathetic rent-a-cops have no authority to…
FUZZYWIG: Don’t make us use the Hammer of Injustice on you.
TROLL: Aw, come on! I’ve wanted to crack someone’s head since I took this job! Especially the person who didn’t get me that pony I always wanted for Christmas when I was a little troll!
CHILDREN: This is awesome! Can we watch!?!?!? Huh? Huh? Pleeeeeeeease!!!!
Fuzzywig and Troll haul Santa off down the mail aisle, liberally deploying the Hammer of Injustice on him… much to the horror of all the parents, and to the delight of all the children. And thus ends another heartwarming holiday tale from the Shelf Critter gang…
PINK ELEPHANT: (Sobbing) Nobody believes in me anymore!