The Island Of Fucked Up Toys

Oh look, we have a new guest. Welcome Vinnie the male vibrator!

We all know that the true spirit of the holidays is going deep into debt so that we can give everybody who is at least as close to us as a Facebook contact something of material value lest we end up condemning ourselves to be buried in Ebeneezer Scrooge’s bottomless grave.  There is no area of this give until you can feel it up your ass mentality that is more accentuated at this time of the year than buying toys for the children… so that a whole year’s worth of assholish behavior can be rewarded with a shit-ton of imported plastic garbage that will be lost, destroyed or forgotten about before Dick Clark’s animatronic body can rock in the New Year…

The toys your kids will be playing with in January.

I’ve done enough time in the toy department at Mecca this year to have somewhat of a handle on the hottest trends in commercial playthings for the first time since 2000.  As you might expect, I’ve seen plenty of things on Mecca’s shelves of expensive, made in China fun that just aren’t right, and I thought I’d share some of these finds with you so that you can have a laugh at the expense of the parents who actually buy this shit.  This post is suitable for Ages 3 and up…

Fingerlings:

You should never let your sisters play with your monkey.

You know 2017 is gonna be a banner year in WTF when the hottest toy out there is this fucked up mess.  Fingerlings are miniature monkeys that are made to cradle young, grubby little fingers.  The privilege of having some Teletubby reject hump your spawn’s digits is only $15…. what a fucking bargain!  The Wow Wee company, which is probably in the process of being bought out by Hasbro as we speak, managed to hit what is obviously a completely random lottery of selling that one toy this year that no store can keep in stock.  Kids, if you want to play with finger monkeys, masturbation isn’t the devil’s playground your parents might want you to think it is… and it’s also less expensive.

Slime:

Look Mommy! It’s a unicorn’s nutsack!

Back to School was a strange time this year because even long before the first Paw Patrol lunch bag was packed with ramen noodles and a Capri Sun, we were having a hell of a time keeping school glue in stock.  Who in the hell uses school glue someplace other than school, anyway?  Dad’s tube of super glue will work fine if you want to fuse your little brother’s nostrils together.

Or duct tape in a pinch.

It turns out the recipe for making slime went viral this year, so children everywhere could make a gigantic fucking mess while creating…. well, a gigantic fucking mess.  How on earth can a small mind possibly entertain itself for more than 15 minutes with a pile of globby, glittery goop that would probably be put to better use as tile grout?  Well, since apparently kids finally want something other than smartphones or monkeys to hold in their hands, the slime fad has lived on to become the grossest gift to be found in your stocking since toenail fungus…

Enchantimals:

Give the gift of skunk this Christmas.

For all the flak that furry nation takes for being one of the crown jewels of freaky behavior, the toy world sure has gotten awfully furry and cute in the past few years.  With Enchantimals, that trend has now officially gone too far.  It takes a special mindset to appreciate the beauty of a skunk, and it’s probably a stretch to assume the average ten year old girl wants to play with an anthropomorphic representation of that thing that made her dog smell like poopoo.  Like most other dolls made for tweens, Sage Skunk and the rest of her bizarre half animal, half human, half dumbass friends are essentially just another Bratz clone… except playing with a slutty skunk doll might get your child beat up.

Fat Curvy Barbie:

One of these things is not like the others…

For over 50 years, Barbie has been setting the unrealistic standard of beauty that apparently wrecks the self esteem of our girls who so desperately want to look like a plastic bimbo.  This is ridiculous.  No boy wants to grow up to be a peckerless, metrosexual like Ken… and likewise, no girl should strive to be a wafer thin, unemployed diva like Barbie.  Yet because some people still don’t get that fantasy and reality are two separate things, Mattel felt the pressure to beef up the toy world’s most famous pink pill and call her “Curvy.”

There’s nothing wrong with being a big girl like Mitzi!

When Barbie’s looked like she’s skipped her last three meals for the past half century, suddenly seeing a doll a few sizes up the dress scale just looks….. awkward.  It’s not like Curvy Barbie is morbidly obese, but compared to her iconic form that every person alive today knows well, it still looks like somebody dressed up Shamu and put her in a pink box.  Girls want to play in an idealized world where every girl is a princess with her own unicorn and a prince who will marry them and grow up to be the next dictator, not in the real world where Mom’s busing tables at the Waffle House and big sister got knocked by her boyfriend at 15.  Leave Barbie alone…

Nerf Guns:

I wanna be in a terrorist group when I grow up!

There are some who would think the US has a gun problem.  Why are we a society so obsessed with violence and weapons of mass destruction, and what can we do to stem the tide of mass shootings?  That’s not a subject for my blog…. but there’s one aisle in the toy department of your favorite store that would make Charlton Heston proud, and that would be where you can find a vast arsenal of Nerf artillery that would put to shame what your local militia has built up.  Kids love shooting foam balls at each other while being a menace to the neighborhood… so why not give those future NRA members the most positively frightening array of fake assault weapons so they can pretend to be their favorite member of ISIS while they lay waste to their friends…

Cowboys and Indians is so 20th century.

Pictured above is the Nerf® Retaliator®, so named because cold blooded vengeance is something we want to instill in our youth when they are their most impressionable.  That’s practically wussified compared to the names Mecca’s generic ripoff brand Adventure Force gave to its collection of toy assault rifles.  By spending just a few dollars less, your child can terrorize the subdivision with guns called “The Avenger,” “The Decimator,” and “The Eradicator!” These are the coolest toys that will ever be pried from your child’s cold, dead hands…

No fair! the squirrel has real bullets!

And last, but certainly least…….

The Unicone Ice Cream Maker:

Not exactly the Snoopy Sno Cone Maker…

Remember that insane ad Squatty Potty created last year to advertise its product, which I rightly mocked on this very blog? No doubt, like myself, you watched in utter horror as it showed a rainbow unicorn shitting rainbow colored ice cream into cones and thought that the people who created this abomination needed to be fitted for straitjackets immediately.  There was someone out there, however, who watched that video and thought, “Hey, there’s a product I can market!”  It takes a special kind of genius to invent something so twisted.  This is why we’re all writing blogs in our spare time and not rolling around naked on the kitchen floor in a pile of money right now.

This is also why we are doomed as a society.

The Unicone is an actual, real, honest to fucking Dog product that you can buy at your local Mecca right now that is an ice cream maker in the shape of a roly poly unicorn.  And that ice cream comes right out of its plastic anus.  Yummy.  The Hershey Highway has just become the rocky road.  Look, I love unicorns as much, and maybe even more than you do… but no matter how perfect and innocent and magical these creatures may seem… I got a million dollar bill on my shelf right now that says even a unicorn’s shit stinks.  And for Christ’s sake, I’m pretty sure that unicorn excrement is NOT edible.  Sure, it may look pretty and colorful… but so does your vomit after a night of heavy binge drinking.  Not only should you not eat that colorful waste product, but you should probably call a hazmat truck to remove it…

You just poisoned me, you fucking asshat!

Happy forced reciprocal gift giving holidays everyone!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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56 Responses to The Island Of Fucked Up Toys

  1. I once drove 5 hours for a mermaid barbie for a spoiled brat… and then the poor mermaid got 2 minutes of attention before she lost her green hair….

  2. Back the Unicorn sh**in’ truck up. People are actually BUYING that thing?!! (*weeps silent tears for the surely imminent downfall of civilization as I know it*)

  3. draliman says:

    I was sold on the Fingerlings until I saw that sweet Unicorn Ice Cream Maker. Awesome.

  4. Merbear74 says:

    Yay for fat-bottomed Barbie, it’s about damn time. The next step is to make her middle-aged and with less than perky boobs.

  5. Hmm…seems like Curvy Barbie looks a bit like Adele. Then again, perhaps I should be grateful since she doesn’t look like the First Daughter.

  6. Well I’m just about as old as dirt but I remember the “good old days” when paper dolls and jacks and jump ropes were a BIG FAT DEAL for Santa to bring to little girls and little boys – well – come to think of it – guns were big then too – they wanted to dress up like cowboys and carry plastic guns in their plastic holsters. We’ve come a long way baby – – – or have we??????

    Pam

  7. crimsonowl63 says:

    Thanks for the heads up. What if I accidentally bought those damn finger monkies? I like monkies. They are funny. If these things are that expensive then no. I’m not a fad toy buyer most of the time. I think I once bought a kno that’s out. Are kids really making this slime now? My kids did have this stuff and it was quite the pain in the ass. Finding some everywhere. Hmmm, but this would be for my niece and not at my house….

  8. crimsonowl63 says:

    Well, damn, my computer pulled one of it’s funny glitches and only put in half my comment. Now it doesn’t make much sense. Just saying: no Barbies, no guns of any type, no finger monkeys. Something about CareBears and Cabbage Patch kids.

  9. This is so bizarre, and don’t even know what to say. Holy SHIT. Seriously, what is WRONG with the manufacturers — and what is wrong with PARENTS WHO BUY THIS STUFF? I’m going to have to reblog this. I’m thinking tomorrow. This needs more people saying HOLY SHIT, WHAT IS THIS STUFF?

  10. The Cutter says:

    I bought a fingerling for my daughter. Thankfully, I’ve been able to avoid the others, especially slime. I’ve heard that’s horrid for parents.

  11. Ladybuggz says:

    Unbelievable, and I thought the Unicorn Emoji was bizarre and a bit of a gross funny. I guess it’s design and sale point is for “Millennium Babies” because their shit don’t stink and there is nothing negative about anything! Sad… I can just see little kids thinking their poop is just as edible! Blaah!

  12. Someone clearly saw my comment to you about changing song lyrics and decided that it was a marketing idea…. How else would we have unicorn poo ice cream?

  13. noelleg44 says:

    What a funny, lovely ‘gift’ post about and for Christmas!

  14. Reblogged this on SERENDIPITY and commented:
    And people actually BUY these toys. No kidding. They pay money for this stuff.

  15. Quirky Girl says:

    What kid wouldn’t be thrilled to have their very own homemade ice cream, fresh from the ass of a unicorn? It sounds like pure magic. Yummy, yummy unicorn poop ice cream… Must be mmmm mmmm good! 😂

  16. I LOVED this. Mer directed me here because each year (or every other other year?) I do posts on insane Christmas toys. I had to check it out before er pooping out my own. My Thing One showed me the unicorn pooper. Just – wow. Snoopy never pooped us snow cones. I feel robbed. It’s not the only toy involving poop this year, though, so stay tuned.

    I learned about the popularity of those bizarre fingerlings on fb news. I was thinking I hope he covers these and yes you came through! People are selling them for at least triple the price. The unicorn (which does not poo) goes for even more. When I first saw those things, I was like ickk, and now I wish I had invested. I should know by now the ugliest things always become most popular (ie Cabbage Patch Kids)

    Curvy Barbie was inspired by another doll, Lammily, which I covered a couple years back, and was also only bought by adults with wishful thinking (yeah I was one). I have not seen enchantimals before and your picture disturbed me – is she actually a doll, or is she doll on top and a skunk on the bottom? Do I want to know?

    Nerf guns? Bwahaha, in Texas they give the kids actual guns. I wish I was kidding. And finally, the slime. I got a report on this from Thing Two. Apparently a lot of girls in junior high love making glittery snot, and do it at school, and the teachers finally gave up trying to make them stop. I think she is more infuriated about this than she was at the fidget spinners.

    😀

    • I will be on the lookout for your post and some of the stuff I missed (or that Mecca is too skeered to sell).

      The Fingerlings look like damned Teletubbies. I guess the new parents of today grew up on that insane shit, so now they’re spreading it to their kids…

      You can get a better view of the Enchantimals skunk in this episode I dedicated to her:

      https://evilsquirrelsnest.com/2017/09/22/the-great-pretender/

      And surprisingly, the skunks are not selling…

      I forgot about the Fidget spinners, though I think they’ve been around a year or two. I know a lot of people steal them. Why!?!?!?

  17. Really enjoyed this post. Toys these days are so bizarre and even more faddish than ever. I have no children/grandchildren but if I did I would not want to buy them the rubbish that is made today. I think what I dislike most about it is that most toys only do one thing and sometimes they don’t even do that properly. You don’t just buy Lego blocks now; you buy Star Wars Lego or race car Lego or whatever. The manufacturers want the kids to make that one thing so that later they can sell them an add on to it. Having said that I’d rather buy Lego than some of this useless garbage.
    I am a collector of Barbie and other dolls and I just wish they would stop making dolls with plastic clothing and plastic wings which break off and following every trend. . As you said. Leave Barbie alone. Honestly I have had these dolls around me for fifty years and never did it occur to me that I should look like that too. When all is said and done Barbie is a toy and if children are using her as a role model maybe the adults in their lives need to look at what messages they are sending themselves. I used to wish I had clothes like Barbie and other fashion dolls of my era but not now as the current ones made are cheap and nasty.
    Guns, well that hasn’t really changed since I was a child the guns have just got nastier. Totally agree that the names don’t send a good message but sooner these than a child with a real gun. Here is not the place to give my opinion on the attitude towards guns in some parts of the USA.
    As for unicorn poo icecream. I’m not even going to go there. It’s just insane.

    • Yes, I can’t get over how few things are left in the toy aisle that are timeless. And oddly enough, the section with things like jacks, toy army men, Slinkys and old timey stuff like that is called the “novelty toy” section. No, most of the crap they’re trying to push off on kids today is novelty stuff, because it probably won’t be around in another couple years!

      And yeah, I had Lego blocks…. just blocks! We were encouraged to creatively build whatever our imaginations thought of…. not whatever picture was on the box!

      • My sister and I had Lego too and the fanciest thing in our box was windows and doors. We made houses of all shapes and sizes but we also made “cars”, “planes” and whatever else took our fancy.

  18. Rebel Girl says:

    Came here from Marilyn’s post. Ha! I love it! Everything we are thinking but never say.

  19. Pingback: Top Board Games for Xmas! | aliceatwonderland

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