Mitzi Baby

CHIP: Isn’t this just the most wonderful time of the year, Fuzzy?

FUZZYWIG: Ehhhhhhhh, it comes in a close second to April 20th.

CHIP: You know what would really make the season just a little bit brighter?  Some cheery holiday music!

FUZZYWIG: So we’re going down to Mecca?

CHIP: Hell no!  I’m not getting in that crowd fighting for the last Unicone.  But I figured maybe DJ Scratchy could put a Christmas tune on the speakers for us.

SCRATCHY: Sorry, dudes.  But Kevin Eubanks doesn’t have any Christmas muzak.  At least not on the only cassette we have on the shelf.

FUZZYWIG: Oh well.  Time to seek mellowness in something else that begins with the letter M…

CHIP: Shoot!  Hey, maybe I can find us a nice holiday classic on YouTube!

FUZZYWIG: If we’re gonna watch videos, can they at least have boobs in them?

CHIP: Ah, here’s one of my favorites that wasn’t sung by one of my chipmunk relatives…

Chip clicks on the link, and after a 15 second ad for Unicorn Chow (made with 100% Angus unicorns), the video plays……

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  Slip a sable under the tree,  for me! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: No way!

MITZI: But I’ve totally been an awful good girl!

SANTA: Yeah, sure.  I don’t want PETA boycotting my cabin again… they never send the naked protester chicks up to the arctic.  So you’ll have to make due with this possum…

MITZI: I’m, like, supposed to wear that?

SANTA: Well, there’s some assembly required.  And maybe a flea dip…

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight! ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  A ’54 convertible too, light blue! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Ha!  Don’t wait up for that, dearie…

MITZI: But Santa!!!!

SANTA: Here, have this instead…

SANTA: A ’97 Taurus with about 69,000,000 miles on it and no warranty or AC.

MITZI: My Mommy’s station wagon sounds better than that!

SANTA: I’ll even throw in the squirreldeer!

MITZI: Lolwhut?  Squirreldeer?

SANTA: You’ve never met Scrat the red nosed squirreldeer?

MITZI: Awwwwww, he’s adorabubble!  But the car’s bigger junk than what’s in my trunk!

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight! ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Think of all the fun I’ve missed!  Think of all the fellows that I haven’t kissed… ♩ ♪ ♫

BUB: Ahem!

MITZI: Like, who are you?

BUB: I’m the only fellow on the shelf that you haven’t…… you know….

MITZI: OMG!  Really!?!?  Maybe we can, like, fix that!

BUB: That would be impossible.

MITZI: Nothing’s impossible for Mitzi when it comes to making whoopie cushions!

BUB: I have no penis!

MITZI: No way!

Mitzi puts on her spectacles to take a closer look…

MITZI: You like, have nothing fun at all down there!  What happened?

BUB: Read the sign…. getting older sucks!

MITZI: But Mitzi likes a well aged gentlecritter!

BUB: Yeah, well this gentlecritter’s weewee fell off in his forties.

MITZI: Oh noes!  Maybe next year if you could be just as good, Santa would put a weewee under your treetree!

BUB: Already asked for that last year.  Wound up getting this…

BUB: I asked for a penis, and Santa brought me a peanut!

MITZI: Well, at least you, like, have the nuts part of the equipment back!

♩ ♪ ♫ If you’ll check off my Christmas list ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  I want a yacht, and really that’s not a lot! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Yeah, it ain’t like it’s your money we’re spending here, toots!  You are NOT getting a yacht, or even a dinghy!

MITZI: But Santa!  I’ve been an angel all year!

praying raccoon

RICKY: Lord!  Please forgive The Nest for this utter BLASPHEMY!!!  Don’t strike the Troll with lightning again!

SANTA: I guess if you really want to sail, this will have to float your boat…

SANTA: A completely obsolete coin tub from The Brass Ass Casino in Cripple Creek!  Buoyant enough to hold up a silicone bimbocorn like yourself on the high seas. Don’t forget to wear your Marty McFly life preserver…

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight! ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Honey!  One thing that I really do need, the deed!  To a platinum mine! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Completely out of the question!  Don’t you think we’ve strip mined the planet enough for the past few centuries?  It’s time to get earth friendly!

SANTA: Here’s the seeds to a MARIHUANA farm!  Happy planting!

MITZI: I, like, can’t do farm work!

SANTA: That’s not what I’ve heard

MITZI: But I get allergic smelling hay!

SANTA: I’ll even throw in this scarecrow for you to ward off the raccoons…

MITZI: This is gonna, like, totally ruin my pedicure!

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight! ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Cutie!  And fill my stocking with a duplex!  And checks! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Should I just sign my X on the line?

MITZI: Yes, please!!!!

SANTA: Oh, damn.  It seems like Santa’s bank account is in the red again because the old lady went shopping and maxed all the fucking cards out again!  I’ve told the missus a thousand times… we have our own damned sweatshop full of cheap elf labor!  She doesn’t need to hit all the Black Friday sales!!!  Sorry, sweetie, but Santa’s checkbook is just as rubber as those toys I brought you last year.

MITZI: (Pouty faced) Saaaaaaantaaaaaaaaa…..

SANTA: How about some lottery scratch off tickets instead?  They’ve become a popular Christmas gift for the cheap…

MITZI: Santa!  These tickets are, like, already scratched off!  And they’re (puts her hoof on her forehead in the shape of an L) LOSERS!

SANTA: Damn, there’s just no pleasing you, is there girl?  It’s the thought that counts, and the thought of giving away a million dollar winner just didn’t sit very well with me…

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  So hurry down the chimney tonight! ♩ ♪ ♫

♩ ♪ ♫ Come and trim my Christmas tree, with some decorations bought at Tiffany! ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Sorry, Tiffany is way out of Santa’s budget!  But maybe you’d like something from one of her contemporaries instead…

SANTA: Some leftover Electric Youth perfume from Debbie Gibson!

MITZI: I don’t want to smell like 1989!

SANTA: Tough shit!

MITZI: But Santa, I really believe in you!

SANTA: Let’s see if I believe in unicorns……. NOPE!

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  Forgot to mention one little thing…. ♩ ♪ ♫

SANTA: Let me guess…… a ring?

MITZI: Nopers!  Like, the fact that I’m asking for THREE this year!

SANTA: I ain’t getting those omelets anything for Christmas!  You have to be born before you can get gifts!

MITZI: But you can give them the one thing they reallyreallyreallyreallyreally need most!

SANTA: You’ll have to ask the bunny for Easter dye.

MITZI: A DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: I just need, like, a couple pints of your blood in this specimen cup to get your DOA sample, and…

SANTA: Oh, fuck no!  I’m gonna lay a finger beside of my nose and get the hell out of here before my foreign aid gets garnished!

RAINY: Not so fast!!!

RAINY: It’s time to find a vein, Santa!  And I don’t mean in your arm.  Drop your drawers and bend over!!!!

SANTA: Like hell!  Nobody treats Santa Claus like…

Rainy pushes Santa over the table and yanks down his jolly red britches…

RAINY: This is gonna hurt you a lot more than it’s going to hurt me…

Santa screams and cries and whines like a baby as Rainy collects a sample for his DNA test…

RAINY: One down, sixty-nine more blood draws to go before the cup is filled!

MITZI: Good thing you brought a whole box of stickies!

RAINY: Yes (Rainy jabs Santa again, causing him to pass out in the milk and cookies), and hopefully I have enough left to collect from our other potential paternity suit that’s nearby…

MITZI: Like, who would that be?

RAINY: The one who’s peeking through your blinds…

SNUGGLE: Aw, fuck!

♩ ♪ ♫ Santa Baby!  So hurry down the chimney toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! ♩ ♪ ♫

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
This entry was posted in Shelf Critter Theatre and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

36 Responses to Mitzi Baby

  1. Sometimes me thinks you have just a little bit 🎶”too much time on your hands!!” 🎶

  2. I hope it is not this Santa what comes to me…. I want one who really has the furrari in his bag….

  3. crimsonowl63 says:

    I laughed my ass off at this. The staging of the pictures was wonderful and the lines sublime. I really, really liked it. It feels so Christmasy now.

  4. I totally laughed my way through this one – glad you put Mitzi’s bacon harvesting photo in the mix – she did a good job that day and didn’t drag ANY of the other harvesters behind the greenhouse for a little………..well you know. So when are the eggs due to hatch? I hope one of them is an Eggbert…………..

    Pam

    • I think the egg hatching will be on the final Friday of the year (Give people a reason to show up that lost week), and I’ll hopefully throw together a little announcement post for that baby shower you suggested tomorrow!

  5. Wow out of all this delightful depravity, do you know what I fixated on the most? Debbie Gibson Electric Youth perfume! Dare I even ask how you came upon that?

    Also I agree Madonna has to be the most perfect singer for that song – just the right amount of slutty. And she’s part of our electric youth! Which is totally not on the oldies station!

    • Madonna’s version was the only one I knew for a long, long time. I only heard Eartha’s original about 10 years ago and it just doesn’t sound right. Santa Baby’s a bimbo song, not a sultry seductress song!

      The Electric Youth was left behind by one of my sisters and wound up in my stash of random and eclectic stuff I’ve collected all my life (And another reason I can do stuff like Shelf Critter Theatre!)

  6. Quirky Girl says:

    Lmao! I hope Santa isn’t truly in the business of surprising critters with weewee under their treetrees! 😂

  7. Ah, the joys of giving, right?

  8. Merbear74 says:

    I also enjoy a well aged gentlecritter…
    This was hilarious and I appreciate the time you must have put into this, your wonderfully twisted mind is most impressive.

  9. draliman says:

    Wait, what? You still own a cassette tape?

  10. Trisha says:

    Well, I guess the getting older sucks guy doesn’t have to worry about being the daddy of Mitzi’s eggs. The day those things hatch out he might be glad his wee wee fell off! It would sure be interesting if Santa turns out to be the father.

    • I know you’re behind in reading posts, so you may not know that the hatching date has been set for December 29, and the week before will be Mitzi’s baby shower… in which I’m inviting everyone to “send” a gift! There’s a post from this past Sunday titled “Give a Little Bit” that has the details if you want to participate!

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