Arrrrrr! It’s Pirate Douchebeard’s lost treasure!
One of the hottest trends in the toy industry this decade has been mini-figure collectibles. 
Just as previous generations have wasted hard earned money chasing down baseball cards, Beanie Babies and Matchbox cars of dubious value… the trendy millennial hoarder is after small, sometimes microscopically tiny figurines that are so supercute (Yes, I think that is now officially a real word since “kawaii” is apparently too clunky for corporate advertising), you’ll need to inject yourself with insulin upon opening the package. An ungodly amount of our precious retail shelf space is dedicated year round to these Chinese crafted pieces of plastic junk that will be all the rage at yard sales in the 2030’s…
We get toe jam… this is what animals get.
Many of these pre-packaged works of mass produced art are sold in what are called “blind bags,” meaning that you have no fucking idea what you’re getting until you get home and realize you totally got screwed over and didn’t get one of the main characters. Due to my horrible critter habit, I’ve bought a few of these grab bags before, one of which became Shelf Critter Theatre star Tina the tiny My Little Pony who isn’t even one of their characters. Last week, I bought this Animal Jam package to serve as something of a trial run for the big Mitzi eggs unveiling that will take place in just ten short days. That yellow chest in the top picture was what was inside the box.
Just in case you’re too lazy to scroll back up…
So, I just need to open up my chest and see what adorable little creature was locked away inside of there for the past few months or so without any holes poked in the top. I used all the strength I could muster to try and pry the lid off of this damned thing with no success. This is a toy marketed for kids over three years old, and I can’t even open it! Surely there must be some hint as to why my treasure remains unattainable on the package somewhere…
Nope. But this toy will obviously make kids 0-3 year olds very sad.
I guess I could have called the toll free number for people with problems and have one of their highly trained Animal Jam operators laugh at me for being so weak and/or stupid to properly enjoy their practical joke. After about ten minutes of fiddling around with the hermetically sealed plastic chest, this happened by complete accident…
Designed BY dumbasses, FOR dumbasses.
We all know that treasure chests in the real world are opened just like castle drawbridges, so it should have been completely intuitive that it opened up from the front instead of the top. This toy was obviously engineered by the same geniuses who make child proof caps…
Well, I’ve got my surprise critter collectible open now. What did I get? What did I get? What did I get?
It’s not easy being green.
It’s…… um…… a chicken-like creature about the size of one of my fingernails. And it has a hole in its head. And it may be an alien from Area 51. Is this damned thing even on the official Animal Jam roster?
Oh, it’s a Brightbird. Well, of course it is…
There are 96 critters in this series who all have similar random and stupid compound words as names, and I got the second to last one on the list. But oooooh, look at that four leaf clover. Does that mean this big headed dodo is lucky and will bring me better fortune than rubbing the Buddha?
No… like in human civilization, the Animal Jam world has a class system consisting of common critters (The ones with no symbol who you’ll get hundreds of if you bought a million dollars worth of Animal Jam treasure chests), and four levels of rare critters that are akin to finding a diamond ring someone dropped in the urinal you’re using. Brightbird is in that lowest rare class… meaning the fact that I was “lucky” enough to get him is somewhat special, but not as big of a deal if I’d have gotten the one ultra rare character in the set that is probably harder to find that Jimmy Hoffa’s body. And if you thought the ultra rare creature would be a unicorn or a dragon or a jackalope or some other fantastic beast that people dream about……… well, you’d be sadly mistaken.
Hisssssssssssssss!
That would be Shimmerway the silver cobra, who doesn’t seem like he’d be worth throwing away an entire paycheck trying to chase.
Oh well, time to do something about Brightbird’s hole in the head….
That’s either a really crappy hat that came along as an accessory, or a brain tumor.
Awesome. Hopefully Mitzi’s critter babies will be a bit more exciting to discover than this green birdbrain who’d fit in one of my nostrils (Not that I’ve tried that)….
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
Isn’t it totally amazing what the evil force (aka toy manufacturers some of whom are actually associated with National Geographic?!?!?!) ) are able to foist (I think that means “dump”) on the children of the world? Those little things will wind up being accidentally flushed, or snorted up a nose, or swallowed – I don’t QUITE get the hole in the head Brightbird came with but I think you’re right about the brain tumor thing – or at the very least it’s a most serious looking WART.
Pam
If I had actually been thinking about collecting these things, and this was the very first one I opened up, I don’t think I’d have been inspired to buy another. It’s silly, and you need a magnifying glass to look at it. It may be fun to have a new SCT character with a tumor, though…. there’s possibility there.
Indeed……Little Timmy Tumor purrrhaps?
Do those things really qualify as “pets” when they’re essentially bite-sized choking hazards that will undoubtedly lead to numerous cases of asphyxiation? Or… perhaps that’s the whole point behind the green alien guy’s holey head- to prevent full on choking to death since there is that convenient little hole to allow some air flow.. 😛
I agree with you, Quirky Girl. As I looked at the photos all I could think of is choking hazard.
There are about 100 warnings on the package not to let anyone under the Age of 4 even look at this thing rather than touch it, but I don’t think that’s very practical. Then again, I think I have pills I have to swallow that are larger than this birdbrain…
I agree with both of you, but I’d be more concerned of them ending up on the floor and being stepped on in the middle of the night…..Mother “F”er that friggn thing hurt!!
😉
You mean all pets aren’t bite sized choking hazards? Maybe this was made for Lilliputians and just wound up in our universe by some strange disturbance in the force. I like the idea of the airhole in the head! That may get Animal Jam out of some liability claims…
I did that, I did that…. I put a beast from a surprise egg in my nose….but it wasn’t the great moment of fame I hoped for… my cousin did it 30 minutes before me and she got all the attention… and she also was first in the er…mr. gorbachev was right…Those who are late will be punished by life itself.
Those are cute, actually.
Well, you can make just about anything cute…. even a green bird with a hole in the head.
Um, I think you deserve a better critter than that, although I do like what you did with the hole in the head. I guess you didn’t like any of my suggestions?
The baby shower is Friday. This was something I got for myself, and forgot to keep receipt….
I am so glad there doesn’t seem to be a squirrel in the Animal Jam. I’d die from embarrassment.
Oh my! To this day, I still believe that is why mom still orders Happy Meals with extra happy. She wants the toys. That has to be it. Right? XOXO – Bacon
Of course you haven’t tried that. Right. Totally believe you.
Wow, a pre-head-shot alien chicken, you lucky boy. Merry Christmas!