RAINY: (Peeking out the curtain) Here she comes! Everyone go hide before she opens the door!
A collection of critters shield themselves behind a useless prop while the guest of honor for their surprise party comes inside…
MITZI: Oooooh! That was a fun night of shaking the tushie on stage!
Mitzi drops her Cucci purse full of crumpled up one dollar bills on the table and turns on the lights. But before the hiding guests can jump out…
MITZI: YOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!! You can all, like, come out now! Mitzi wants her baby shower!
SCRATCHY: (Whispering to Rainy) I thought you said Mitzi didn’t know about this!
RAINY: Someone must have spoiled the surprise, and is going to get sprayed when I find out!
RAINY: Who told you we were giving you a surprise baby shower?
MITZI: Lulz! I read about it on Evil Squirrel’s Nest! Or at least had someone read it to me. I totally knew this was happening, and I think it’s so totes adorbs that you went to all this trouble for little ol’ Mitzi and her baby Mitzis!
SPARKLEPONY: Well, no use crying over spoiled parties… we’re all here to have a good time and get shit-faced drunk, so let’s get it started!
MITZI: Oooooooh, Mitzi is so excited! I’ll have to use Shout on my thong on laundry day! Let me go get the baby wabies so they can see what fun stuff we’re gonna get!
MITZI: OK, we’re ready! Who’s, like, on first?
RAINY: Oooooh, me!!!
MITZI: Skunky wunky!!! Whatcha got, grrl?
RAINY: I think your children are going to have their hooves full trying to deal with the fact that their mother is a hopeless bimbo slut who shouldn’t even be taking care of a pet rock. So to keep their minds off their dismal future, I wanted to give them the same thing that kept me occupied as a little skunkette…
RAINY: Twin rain gauges for each kiddie! Now they can experience the joy of collecting precipitation like I do….. or would if it ever rained on this horrible shelf.
MITZI: Awesomesaucy! They’ll love their rain guag… gag…. containers! And Mitzi can use them for big girl toys if…
RAINY: DON’T YOU DARE!!!
MITZI: LOLOLOL! Mitzi was only, like, joking…. kinda. Thank you so much! Who’s next?
Mrs. Fox steps forward with a gift bag…
MRS. FOX: Here is something that every mother needs once they’ve had children…
MITZI: Booze! Mitzi, like, totally loves the hard stuff!
MRS. FOX: It’s also good for forgetting about your miserable husband, should your children ever have a father.
MRS SQUIRREL: Oh, please!
MRS. SQUIRREL: You don’t even have any kids, you vulpine vamp! I have five, and believe me, liquor doesn’t come close to taking care of the problem. You need this!
MITZI: Oh my! Mitzi, like, doesn’t believe in culpable punishment!
MRS. SQUIRREL: You’ll change your mind someday. Believe me….
SQUIRREL CHILDREN: MOMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
CHILD 1: Tell our little brother to stop it!
CHILD 2: He’s hiding our nuts again!
CHILD 3: And not telling us where he put them!
LITTLEST: Did NOT!!!!!!!
CHILD 4: He’s lying, Mommy!
MRS. SQUIRREL: (Grabbing the board of education) I’ll be back in a few minutes. Save me some of that booze….
Mrs. Squirrel exits stage woodshed while Sparklepony steps up with her own gift bag…
SPARKLEPONY: My two naughty children enjoyed playing with this, and I hope your spawn will as well…
MITZI: Oooooooooh, that could, like, get totally messy!
SPARKLEPONY: Ya think? I went out on the deck to snooze and get my horsehide a little tan one day, and when I woke up….
SPARKLEPONY: This is what ungrateful children do to their own mother! And the glue they used was left over from Aunt Julep’s funeral! I hope your babies treat you the same way.
MITZI: I only like getting glittery sparkles on me when I’m, like, on the job at the club! But thankies! Next!
TWILIGHT: The four of us ponies teamed up to get you a special gift for this wonderful occasion!
SCRATCHY: Yeah, because we’re cheap like that.
LUNA: Goddesses like myself are more used to receiving gifts from the peasants than giving to them. But when Princess Luna gives a gift, it is only going to be the very best!
APPLEJACK: Yeah, check this out, Sugarcube!
MITZI: Oooooooooooooooh! What a pwetty widdow unicorny!!! The kids will just love it to pieces!
TWILIGHT: You haven’t seen nothing yet!
SCRATCHY: Yeah, check this shit out….
MITZI: It’s glowing!!!!
LUNA: I told you she was special.
SCRATCHY: Now your kids will have their own night light…
MITZI: Thank you sooooooo much!!! I should have a bunch more babies and get gifts like this all the time! Who’s next?
SAGE: Your new bundles of joy are going to need a best friend while they’re growing up. You need to adopt a pet!
MITZI: But the pwetty glowing unicorn can be their pet!
SAGE: No way! Unicorns aren’t cuddly, and that thing will just give them cancer. I was thinking more along the lines of this…
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! EAT THE BABIES! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: Um….. is he, like, obese?
SAGE: You mean obedient? Of course not. But then again, neither are your children… so they can learn together and build a strong bond….
Fleabag slips away while Sage prattles on and scopes out his new family…
SAGE: Awwww, see! He adores them!
Maybe a little too much….
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! PANT! PANT! PANT! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
MITZI: Is he, like, supposed to be doing that?
FUZZYWIG: Hell no he isn’t!
Fuzzywig picks up the board of education and gives his mutt a remedial lesson on his backside.
FUZZYWIG: Dammit! I already might be in the hole for child support for that egg! I don’t need you making that double support! (Begins shooing Fleabag off the stage) Save me some brownies… I’ll be back at 4:20.
MARY: Mitzi dahlink!
MITZI: Lamby wamby! What did you get your bestest BFF for her eternity party?
MARY: Hope you still got a VCR!
MITZI: Oh my! Mitzi has, like, lots of unlabeled tapes like that around the stable. Some of my bestest work!
MARY: This is a special tape to help your kids stay active and learn fun new things! You’re gonna be a dance mom!
MITZI: I am!? Coolsies! What’s on the tape?
MARY: You’re gonna have the coolest kids in the hood! And you won’t ever have to pay them an allowance!
MITZI: Neatos! I can, like, totally help them with this homework! I’ll be the cool mom that the PTA members hate! Thank you!!! Can this get any better?
SANTA: HO HO HO!!!!!
SCRATCHY: There’s only one HO here, though…
MITZI: Santa baby!!! Can Mitzi take a peek inside of your bag?
SANTA: Not now, the Missus might be reading this. I came to deliver some presents from your loyal fans!
RAINY: We have fans?
SANTA: Lady, I’m as surprised as you are. But I’m just the messenger, and since it’s almost the Big Day, I don’t have time to dick around… so it’s on with the fan gifts! First up, from Juliette!
MITZI: How totally kyooooooooties!!! Either of them can, like, bite me anytime!
SANTA: And now some gifts from Marilyn…
LUNA: Oh dear…
SANTA: But look what you can make with unicorn slop…
SCRATCHY: My shit doesn’t look like that!
RAINY: I also hope it doesn’t melt in anyone’s hand like in that small image!
SANTA: That’s not all… Marilyn also sent a unicorn that’s very full of pre-made poop!
SCRATCHY: Fat bottomed unicorns make the rockin’ world go round…
SANTA: Now for a very special gift from Ladybuggz…
SPARKLEPONY: I don’t know if even a cow milker would fit on Mitzi’s fake boob faucets.
TWILIGHT: It also milks goats, camels, sheep…
MARY: I so need this!
MITZI: Thankies! But I’d prefer my babies drink straight from the pastie!
SANTA: Here’s a card from the gang at One Spoiled Cat…
TWILIGHT: Shakespeare would be so proud!
MITZI: I’m totally putting that on the nursery wall!!!
SANTA: And now their gift for the babies…
LUNA: A knitted crying unicorn hat? And the baby requested that its face be blotted out? What ungratefulness!
SANTA: But wait, there’s more!
RAINY: A two year guarantee? I don’t think it would take that long to find out if there’s nobody living inside…
SAGE: I am starving… are unicorn eggs gluten free?
SANTA: One last gift…. had to round this one up myself, but I couldn’t ignore this comment from Faith Hope and Chocolate…
MRS. FOX: My word! You didn’t!
SANTA: My elves can make anything….
Half of the party guests pass out on the floor…
MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMG!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ I lurves it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SANTA: OK, I’m outta here before the FBI finds out I’m importing knitted rainbow sex toys. See all you nice ones in a few nights!
MITZI: Wow! This is, like, the best party EVER!!!! I can’t thank you all enough for…
A small unicornlet steps forward…
TINA: Miss Mitzi! I have something for the babies!
MITZI: Teeny Weeny! You shouldn’t have!
TINA: I know, but I’ll be getting a whole shitload of new toys in a few days, and I thought they might enjoy something I’m tired of playing with.
RAINY: That was very kind and thoughtful of you, Tina, passing down your used toys to Mitzi’s babies! What is it?
TINA: A teddy bear!
The other half of the party guests pass out…
SNUGGLE: Yo, what up bitches!!! Uncle Snuggie’s in da house, and looking to make a couple new little friends! I got a very special present just for them inside this box on my lap!
SCRATCHY: Where’s that board of education when we really need it?
RAINY: (Gets out her cellphone) I’m dialing 911…
SNUGGLE: Hey there, little cuties! You ready for Uncle Snuggie to show you a few adult games?
SPARKLEPONY: You could be talking to your own children, you know!
SNUGGLE: Impossible! They don’t look a thing like me! Now, come on out of those shells so we can have a whole bunch of fun…
SNUGGLE: Dafuq? I was only kidding……
MITZI: IT’S TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT FRIDAY…..