You Can’t Tuna Earworm

This naughty boy will be getting more than just coal this Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone!  I hope you got everything you could have possibly wanted this year… and if not, I hope that you managed to collect the receipts to send it all back.  Well, you have one more present coming to you that still hasn’t been opened!  It’s over there by the tree… being held by the blue haired unicorn wearing the red bow pasties and sitting under the mistletoe.  Christmas is a Monday this year, and that means we’re going to be rocking your holiday with another ghost of muzak past straight out of that Island of Misfit Songs we like to call the Dusty Vinyl Archive! It’s such a gay and festive atmosphere here at the DVA, that our musical ponies won’t even mind that they’ll have to work two holidays in a row…

Today marks the 100th edition of the Dusty Vinyl Archive since it spit out its first old school earworm almost two whole years ago!  It’s amazing how many lost songs the DVA has given some much needed exposure to since the start of 2016, and there’s still plenty more where those came from. In honor of this milestone achievement in classic musicology, today I’m presenting a tune that is not only a really excellent lost hit… but is also hands down, far and away my absolute favorite music video of all time.  It’s impossible not to enjoy this four minutes of insanity from legendary rockers REO Speedwagon…

“I Do’ Wanna Know” was the first single REO released from its 1984 album Wheels Are Turnin’.  The boys from Champaign, Illinois rocked out the 70’s, but found their biggest pop success in the early 80’s with a neverending series of crappy sappy power ballads that were an embarrassment to the genre of arena rock.  “I Do’ Wanna Know” was REO Speedwagon’s statement to the world that they still knew how to properly rock out a song… but the Aqua Net culture of the time apparently still preferred the wussified shit because not only did “I Do'” only manage to get to #29 on the Hot 100… but the follow up single was #1 smash “Can’t Fight This Feeling,” which is practically the epitome of soft rock schlock…

We never do anything nice and easy…. unless that’s what makes the money!

And so “I Do’ Wanna Know” got trapped in the purgatory between the band’s best known 80’s sell out ballads, and their classic 70’s songs that actually rocked which their core fans love… and that led to its place as a completely forgotten about hit.  It’s even more frustrating how little this song is remembered given how wildly popular that video was back in MTV’s glory days.  The impish little troublemaker that runs wild during that four minutes of nonstop WTF is the video’s producer Kevin Dole… and he absolutely steals the fucking show.  He spends the first couple minutes tormenting his “family” played by the band in really cheesy costumes you can find down at the Goodwill once everything has been picked over…

You’re going to go to hell for this, little Kevin!

It just gets nuttier from there, as our Ed Grimley wannabe ends up frying himself with a toaster… meets God #1, played by singer Kevin Cronin, and given his past and ham acting… immediately gets sent to hell to be beat into a tiny pulp… which I guess is better than spending an eternity burning alive or being stuck in a small room with Hitler.  Oh, and Hell has a great taxidermist…

I want it for my wall… even if I have to go to hell to get it!

And so, there you have it!  Our 100th lost earworm from the Dusty Vinyl Archive!  And also, our last one of 2017.  I’ll make sure to get your new year started off right next Monday with a most fitting song from history’s scrapheap!


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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19 Responses to You Can’t Tuna Earworm

  1. I liked it and I liked the guys… I wonder why so much good music became replaced by something what was pure ear poison? thanks for finding back another gem… and a merry christmouse to you!!!

  2. chattykerry says:

    Your taste in music is terrible but I like you nonetheless…😁 Toffee and Katniss have had tuna for breakfast, we had chocolate coins. Merry Christmas!

  3. Oh smack me in the head with a Christmas stocking full of Christmas candy. I had that tape (not 8 track, just a regular tape) and played it as I drove around in my snappy little 1968 Fiat 124. It was definitely car music.

    Merry Christmas. May your day be merry and bright and full of music you love.

    • I think this album was a wee bit too late for 8 tracks anyway. I could still play it in my 1998 Neon, which still has its original car radio with cassette player! There’d be no guarantee it wouldn’t eat the tape alive, though…

  4. fanrosa says:

    Ha! One I immediately got from the post title…except I couldn’t think of any REO that would be dusty. They definitely win the prize for all time best album titles, although that was definitely their magnum opus….

    Enrique and Pitbull sampled Take It on the Run a few years ago to glorious effect. Look it up!

    • I’ll have to remember to check that out sometime….. meaning, I probably won’t! REO temporarily broke the sound on my computer yesterday, and until I cranked it up this morning I was worried I might have to listen to Helen Keller music from now on…

  5. draliman says:

    I didn’t get to see the video as it’s not available here, but I got Alexa to play the song for me. What did people do before Alexa? Anyway, not bad at all.

    • I don’t know if there’s a version of the video that can be played outside of the US or not… but if there is, it’s definitely worth a watch. Typical goofy American humor, but a riot nonetheless…

  6. Merbear74 says:

    Merry Christmas, ES.

  7. While we are wrapping up our old Christmas movie roll up with “The Bells of St. Mary” — the second — or is it the third? Bing Crosby movie in two days. And that’s about it for me. My brain feels like soup. The leftovers are almost gone and the dogs have dragged their new toys out into the snow. And I have a headache!

    • That sounds a lot more exciting than my Christmas, which was basically just a weird Monday where I didn’t work the night before and I couldn’t go out to get lunch anywhere. Everyone else had to work, and it seems the last few holdouts finally gave in and stopped the senseless gift giving. I did have turkey, though. That’s my kind of holiday…

  8. The video was totally hilarious – and the snappy tune got my feet tappin’ even though the rest of me is so full of Christmas foodables that I can hardly move……thanks for a really rockin’ last music vid of the 2017 year – can’t wait to see how you do it up for the new year! Merry Christmas ES….

    Hugs, Pam and Teddy too

    • Some OK songs have great videos, and some OK videos are great songs… but this one definitely is great from both ends! Next week’s song should be just as good (though without the memorable video) and even inspiring!

  9. Ladybuggz says:

    The video was available in my far away Country either but I went to Utube and listened, I almost forgot that song, I was a true REO Speedwagon fan back then, it was pretty good!
    You guys getting snow? We did, but probably not as much as you guys! Have a Great Boxing Day!

  10. Happy 100th and happy Christmas-hope it was joyous. This ear worm is not one I’ve heard or at least remembered. Guess I was too busy enjoying the REO schlock. 🕺🏻

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