MITZI: YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!! The BABEEEEEEEZ are coming!!!
SNUGGLE: And SNUGGEEEEEEEZ is leaving!!!!
Snuggle Bear, fearing for his future bankroll, tries to make a daring escape from the stage, but…..
SCRATCHY: (Securing the beads….. er, rope) Going somewhere, Dadio?
LUNA: Nobody leaves until Maury’s back with the paternity results!
SNUGGLE: (Says things that even Shelf Critter Theatre must censor from your delicate ears)
MITZI: It shouldn’t be long now!!! I wish all of the baby daddies could be here to see this wonderful event!!!
RAINY: Your wish is granted…
SPARKLEPONY: Me and Rainy have rounded up all the deadbeats to make sure someone will be accountable for these eggs’ college funds!
RAINBOW DONKEY: Honeybunch, are you calling me a deadbeat?
SPARKLEPONY: I’ll deal with you later if there’s anything left for alimony.
TROLL: Doesn’t look like the eggs are hatching today! So I’ll just go if you don’t mind…
CHIP: That one egg’s almost split wide open, Troll!
SANTA: Whose side are you on, anyway!?!?
FUZZYWIG: I can fix that…
FUZZYWIG: Duct tape can have those eggs looking like new again! Why, they probably won’t hatch for another 420 years or so!
Sparklepony rears her front hoof back and kicks the duct tape clear into some other fictional critter universe somewhere else on the internet.
Meanwhile, the eggshell shatters even more…..
You can almost cut the tension with a Ginsu knife…
Yeah, that crack wasn’t just drawn on with poor graphic technology, folks…
Gasps are heard as the shell finally gives way and the first baby critter begins to emerge in front of a live studio audience….
MITZI: My baby is here!!!!
TWILIGHT: It’s a……
SNUGGLE: (Breathing a sigh of relief) It’s a zebra!!! Mitz, have you been hanging out at the zoo?
LUNA: It’s a purple, winged zebra at that. I’m pretty sure I never intended for creatures like that to be roaming the shelf when I created the world…
SCRATCHY: Shut it, Luna! The thing’s pretty cute!
MITZI: It’s adorabubble!!!!! My widdow ZEEBA!!!!!!!!!!
Mitzi and her new bundle of joy nuzzle muzzles while the spectators fight off tears and eyerolls.
RAINY: Well, we can’t very well hold any of the malecritters on this shelf accountable for a zebra.
SPARKLEPONY: I don’t know…. I’m married to an equine MUTT, after all….
RAINBOW DONKEY: I don’t believe there is any zebra in my family tree…
SPARKLEPONY: We’ll refresh your memory at Ancestry.com when we get home!
Tina clip clops up to the new addition and lifts its little tail…
TINA: No weewee! It’s a girl, Miss Mitzi! She even has your mane!
MITZI: She DOES!!! I’m gonna, like, have so much fun fixing up her hair! That mohawk, has like, been a fashion no no since the 80’s!
The discussion of the newborn’s lack of modern style is interrupted by more crackling sounds…..
MITZI: Oooooooh!!!! Your baby brudder or sister is on its way!!!!!!!!!
You can hear a blood draw needle drop on the Shelf as everyone holds their collective breath for the second egg to hatch….
Oops……… wrong show, and wrong egg!
MARY: It’s a…..
TROLL: With a dragon belly?
TINA: I totally know what that looks like!!!!!
All eyes turn to…..
SNUGGLE: What? Dude, come on! That ain’t a bear!
RAINY: It’s whatever we decide it is, Pedobear! And the resemblance is striking…
SCRATCHY: Dafuq’s up with all the wings? Luna’s the only winged creature on this shelf, and I don’t think she has a surprise package… not that I’ve ever looked.
Tina grabs the creature’s cat tail and does another Crocodile Dundee test to determine that Mitzi has added even more girl power to the shelf’s numbers.
TINA: It’s also definitely a kitty.
RAINY: Is there even a cat around here?
TWILIGHT: I can think of one….
FUZZYWIG: But that thing had its nuts chopped off. That dude on The Price Is Right says he can’t add to the pet population…
SCRATCHY: I think Mitzi’s junk is special, and even a neutered cat can hump a unicorn…
SPARKLEPONY: You have REALLY got a LOT of explaining to do when we get home!!!!
RAINBOW DONKEY: I did not have sexual relations with that cat!
TROLL: So, uh, wait a minute. We’re trying to figure out who fathered these things by what they look like…. but how come they don’t actually resemble… you know, their mother?
RAINY: Maybe there is a Good Lord after all, and he decided Mitzi’s genes shouldn’t be passed down to future generations for the good of all critterkind?
CHIP: Did anyone actually see these eggs come out of Mitzi’s…….. um……. maybe they aren’t even hers?
The teal colored bearcat climbs up Rainy’s gauge to meet Snuggle Bear eye to eye….
BEARCAT: Dada? Is that a baby bottle in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
SCRATCHY: Those are definitely Mitzi’s kids…
MITZI: I think she’s claimed her Daddy!!!! How sweet!!!!
SNUGGLE: It’s a cat! It’s a cat! It’s a….
UNCLE SAM: By the authority vested in me as the President for Life of this shelf… I hereby issue Executive Order Number 6969, unilaterally claiming Snuggle Bear to be the father of this….. creature, and to have all paternal duties as so outlined by Parenthood Magazine legally bestowed upon him. Congratulations!
SNUGGLE: Nooooooooooo!!!! I want to speak with my attorney! Mr. Fox!!!!!!!!!!
MR. FOX: …………………….
TWILIGHT: Well, it looks like we found one daddy anyway!
MITZI: It’s all, like, good in the hood! My little girls will always have Mama Mitzi to take care of them! Wanna see some of the cool presents you got!?!?
Already, at only about ten minutes old, both little critters begin jumping up and down like a couple of Ritalin deprived hellions at the thought of receiving gifts.
MITZI: Meet your new pet Ultraviolet the Unicorn!
Ultraviolet prances in a’glowing and a’strobing…. giving several critters in attendance crippling seizures.
BEARCAT: He’s cool, Mommy! What do you think, Sis?
UV: Ummmmmm…. (begins sweating profusely)
RAINY: It has……
UNCLE SAM: I’m having my staff write up a new executive order as we speak….
UV: Errrrrr….. I have a few birthday parties I’m booked for this morning, and I really need to…..
Ultraviolet turns and begins to run like a big game hunter was chasing him. But he ain’t going anywhere….
RAINY: My skunk spray will linger with you a LOT longer than 18 years, mister! I suggest you turn around and get to know your new daughter!
UV: But I don’t have…… much…… zebra in me…….. oh crud.
Ultraviolet’s newly declared spawn wastes no time in leaping atop her father’s back…
ZEEBA: Can I have a horsie ride, Daddy? Huh? Huh? Please!?!?
BEARCAT: I’m next!
ZEEBA: Get a ride from your own daddy, Sis! This one’s all MINE!!!
BEARCAT: I don’t think I’m gonna like my Daddy’s rides….
RAINY: Your Daddy won’t be giving rides anymore, sweetie……