The 2017 Sandy Awards!

Ladies and gentlecritters, welcome to the most anticipated yearly awards show on all of WordPress….. welcome to Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s sixth annual presentation of The Sandy Awards!  The Sandys are a New Years Day tradition that honor the best, funniest, and most fucked up search terms that led real internet users somewhere in the world to click upon one of this blog’s fine posts.  For a brief history of the Sandy Awards, as well as links to catch all of the previous editions of the show that were somehow not burned by the censors, check out our page dedicated to the only awards show to salute anonymous internet users just like you!

We have another most excellent show on tap for you this year!  Along with the presentation of the 2017 Sandy Awards, we’ve also lined up some top notch entertainers to keep you from getting lost in your cellphones.  Faithhopechocolate will give a demonstration on how to knit very special “toys” for unicorns, Vlad will read another fascinating entry from his diary of cuteness, and Crimson Owl will smash and set fire to my entire stash of 80’s records….

Now that the boring introduction is almost out of the way, let’s get on with the show before our lease on the virtual auditorium expires!  Over the past 365 days, I have carefully recorded all of the cool search terms that have led people to my blog which appear in every blog’s Stats page.  I’ve divided those terms up into the usual nine categories, and will present all of the nominees, along with a few snarky comments for your enjoyment.  At the end of each category, I’ll award a Sandy to the string I consider to be the best in that group.  Out of all of these terms, I’ve saved a very special one to honor at the end of the show with the Best Search Sandy of 2017.  Got it?  Good!

All of the bolded terms you see below were actually, honestly entered by someone into a search engin, that somehow displayed results for The Nest that were clicked on.  I swear on a giant stack of Little Golden Books that I’m not making any of these up!  Some of these would defy even the most overactive of imaginations!  Now, let’s get you warmed up with our traditional first category, honoring the stupidest of stupid questions…

Here are the question marks that will have you crying 96 tears…

squirrel doubles the amount of nuts during the day and eats 2 nuts during the evening, by nightfall of the 3rd day there were 34 nuts in the lair, how many nuts were in the original found treasure?

is it dangerous for rehabbed squirrels to build a nest out of plastic bags? – I had no idea there was a sciruine drug problem out there, but it would be a shame to see a squirrel who worked so hard to get clean get released from rehab just to end up suffocating in his own nest.

who did the brim coffee commercials?Coffee snobs who were born too early for Starbucks.

It tastes like ass, but it’s the 70’s, dear. It’s supposed to…

do squirrels work at night? – They’ve got to earn their nuts somehow…

I need fiddy dollas to make you holla!

what time do squirrels go in for the night? – Just as soon as they hear their mother call that dreaded middle name.

did the jokers wild game show have a whammy character?

He doesn’t look like the type to dance around like an idiot.

what does muzzy say? – Damned if I know.  Ask Ylvis.

what does the white guy do in the dazz band? – He designs their stage wardrobe and takes the blame for all of the group’s crappy songs, while also giving the band a more diverse look.  What doesn’t he do?

Reverse affirmative action at work!

And the award goes to….

if this is the first solar eclipse since 1979 what the hell did i see in 1994? – I would say more than likely you saw both “Forrest Gump” and “Pulp Fiction.”  They were pretty big that year…

And somehow, some way, Forrest Gump caused the eclipse.

You saw an annular eclipse, dipshit! Even an inanimate golden squirrel trophy knows that…

There, that was pretty harmless, wasn’t it?  Now let’s move on to the category with the really big names…

TMZ wasn’t the only ones looking to dig up dirt on the rich and famous this year…

fat tom lasorda

That Weeble diet’s working out real well, eh Tommy?

ronald mcdonald hug – I’m pretty sure it’s illegal for someone in a clown outfit to have physical contact with people…

Back off, Ronald, or Grimace will eat your ass.

why isnt the original jay bush in the commercial for bush’s beans? – Who do you think’s IN THE BEANS?

Duh, I heard that!!!

gheorghe zamfir greatest hits – This album is a true rarity…. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist.

samuel l jackson koolaid commercial – Getchur muthafuckin’ pitcher away from my muthafuckin’ wall!!!

And the award goes to….

jack palance porn scene – Those aren’t one armed pushups he’s doing, folks…

Well hung…… in the nutsack.

I hope that was an old silent film.

Now let’s honor our favorite contributions from those who took English as a thirty-second language…

Let’s see what a world full of Spellcheck and Autocorrect has done to us…

is squirrel change our nest regularly – Change your own nest.  Don’t make the squirrel do it.

big bodi milk gairl tits – Well, at least you spelled the most important word correctly.

1990 dail phones – You probably have a better chance of finding a dail phone these days than a dial phone..

Ancient artifacts!

caned dog food from the 70s – Dog food gets CANNED.  Tourists in Singapore get CANED…

And then maybe end up IN the caned dog food…

mother huge utters – And just what did Big Mama utter about your shitty spelling?

angry scquirrel with chainsaw cartoon – Look out… he’s coming after people who can’t spell “squirrel!”

Bad spellers deserve to be dismembered.

And the award goes to…

is it bad for squirrela to get wet – I’d like to think that isn’t a typo, and that there’s actually a female squirrel monster out there named Squirrela.  I’d imagine she wouldn’t be too happy if she got wet…

What lady doesn’t hate a bad hair day?

I knew Squirrela. And that was no Squirrela.

Someone cover up Ethel’s eyes!  It’s time to get mooned…

Let us take a gander at the very worst of what can not be unseen…

hairy body of anil kapoor – Because who doesn’t love gawking at a hairy body…

Keep the jacket on, dude.

money coming out his wazoo – I guess that’s better than having a…

squirrel in the butt – I guess it’s the gerbil’s day off.

squirrel on meth pic – Who searches for stuff like this?  Is the meth epidemic that bad that there are even illegal drug labs in trees now?

comic unicorn toilet puke – Why waste all of that delicious rainbow ice cream?

You want it from my mouth? Can do!

big green nut cracker

HULK…. SMASH….. NUTS!!!

And the award goes to….

squirrel poop toffee – Well, I imagine it’s certified organic.  And it will probably even give you a shit eating grin…

Poop. The other brown meat…

So if you eat poop, what does it come out looking like?

Well, we’re almost to the halfway point in the show.  What?  You thought we were almost done?  LOL!  Is this your first Sandy Awards, kid?

These people really were looking for a squirrel blog!  But they’re still searching for some pretty weird shit…

do squireels come out in the frost – A bear may hibernate in the woods, but a squirrel still has to go take a dump even in the winter…

I hope you like your squirrel poop toffee frozen.

dreaming of evil squirrels – If you are looking for dream interpretation, I would probably say that it means you are on some shitty ass psycho medication.

squirrels hide their nuts in the grass – Well, you would too if you were forced to go outside naked.

Who wants to hide these beautiful, fuzzy bouncers?

big squirrels don’t cry – They do when someone plays shitty Frankie Valli music.

possible possum squirrel trouble – Impossible, since the former is nocturnal and the latter diurnal.  They’ll never get run over together.

Now, now…. big possums don’t cry.

squirrel is good luck for home – Sure!  Just let one inside, and you’ll suddenly feel like you’re living the charmed life…

Hey buddy! How come you don’t get The Playsquirrel Channel?

squirrel’s nest temperature – That would depend on which squirrel has control of the thermostat.

And the award goes to….

how a squirrel acts after drinking soda – I can’t imagine what a squirrel on a caffeine and sugar rush would act like…

Hide the women and children while we conduct this experiment…

Gee, how did I end up on the chandelier like this?

It’s time to keep both feet on the ground while reaching for the stars…

The Nest’s renowned look at the zodiac three years ago still brings in all of these crazy searches from people who wear their constellation on their sleeve…

libra lady too busy will she ever contact me again – Sorry, but I’ve got more important things to do than answer your stupid question.

Rosey’s never too busy to lend you a helping hand with your relationships.

scorpio male stoner – Hey, it’s hard to sting someone when you’re feeling so mellow.

taurus men assholes – Don’t hate them just because they’re stubborn…

And watch who you’re calling an asshole, asshole.

can libra be evil – Ask the guy who submitted the first nominee after he gets out of the bathroom.

sagittarius woman born november 24 – Will Katherine Heigl do?

Yes, I think she will.

how to sexually please a scorpio man – Ha!  Now it all comes together!  You’re the Libra lady who’s too busy searching fucking Google for shitty astrological advice to pay any attention to your boyfriend.  He’s in the bathroom with the picture of Katherine Heigl if you’re looking for him.

Oh, and you might start with a hummer. 12 out of 12 zodiac signs approve.

And the award goes to…

pisces stinky feet and body – You know, Pisces may be a water sign, but you can’t go wrong with a little soap as well.  Blech!

And also a Pisces, apparently.

Sorry, but this Pisces has only one part that smells like fish…

Well, the show’s running a little long, as usual…. so we’re going to have to cut out the planned acrobatics performance from Batsquirrel and move right along to the next category…

These people have issues, and they aren’t afraid to expose them on an allegedly private search engine…

how to play possum – Roll over on your back, put your arms and legs in the air, play dead.  Duh!

You’re doing it wrong, Carly!

how to douche with vinegar and water – I don’t even know how to douche with just plain douche douche!  Why in the hell are you asking me!?!?

3d fuckface toons – Cartoon Network has finally run out of ideas…

bananarama venus song is an evil song – Dude, that’s not really the devil.  That’s a chick in red spandex.

I’ll bet they don’t have scenes like this is Heaven.

skunk spraying color – As cute as that might be, our skunk spray is sadly monotone…

It’s not easy spraying green.

press your luck obnoxious contestant – The adjective is redundant, and I think was a requirement to even pass the audition for that loony bin of a show.

brown cartoon characters penfold – Are we stereotyping cartoon characters now by the color of their fur?  Lumping Penfold in with the likes of Scooby Doo and the Tasmanian Devil is just wrong, and probably racist…

Brown cartoon characters matter!

And the award goes to….

naughty rain gauge – Bad rain gauge!  Bad!  Now, go sit in time out and think about what you’ve done!

This is why we keep the useless rain gauge in Rainy’s paws.

You can’t turn your back on those misbehaving rain gauges for one minute!

Before we get into the final two categories, let’s take this time to recognize some search terms that didn’t quite fit into any of our established award groups so they can at least leave with a copy of the Sandy Awards home game…

1955 webster dictionary value – Considering how much the language has turned over or been bastardized in the past 60 years, I doubt it’s even worth the forest that was killed to publish it.

26th century car – Here’s a hint…… it won’t fly!

It just ain’t gonna happen, folks.

ways of saving money in the 90s – Don’t invest in Enron, Zima, or Beanie Babies.

Oh well, at least your dogs will have thousands of dollars worth of chew toys.

do and don t for ottoman emperors – Exactly whom are you asking this on behalf of?  Is there an uprising we should know about?

look out for the cheetah

And now, it’s time for the Sandys to go from R rated to X rated…

Let’s see what the wholesome citizens of the once neutral internet were searching for with their one free hand…

crocodile dundee thats not a woman grabbing balls – So it’s a man grabbing balls?  That still sounds like sexual harassment…

Is that a boomerang in your pocket, or are you just happy to see a lovely sheila like myself?

humpy capybara

The results of humpy capybaras.

squirrel milf

Whatever floats your boat…

multi breast art – As opposed to, say, art of women with only one breast?

squirrel incest porn pic – I think they shoot squirrels in West Virginia before they can screw their cousins.

mitzi_luv 48dd – Um, maybe before her impants…

The bigger the tits, the bigger the tips.

skunk porn – That might bring a new meaning to the term “facial”…

And the award goes to….

commercial porn condom photography – Forget the commercial porn, I want to know what in the hell condom photography is!

And people think it’s strange that I take pictures of squirrels.

Sorry, but I won’t pose for a condom photographer.

You might want to gulp down one more Red Bull, as we’ve finally made it to the last category of the evening!  And of course, everyone’s favorite…

These search terms simply defy all rational explanation.  And if you can figure out what they mean, please, please just keep it to yourself…

freaky baseball stadiums – What exactly would make a baseball stadium freaky?  A giant pit in centerfield?  Urinals on the concourse?  Poison ivy on the outfield walls?

someone push you on hill – Yeah, that was Jill that broke your crown, Jack.  She’s a bitch…

aspirin squirrels

Not tonight, dear. I have a headache!

stoned rabbit foot – That’ll bring you good luck… not that you’d have any fucking clue what kind of luck you were having anyway.

Come back with my foot you reefer addict!!!

yell squirrel – I did.  And now they’re coming to take me away…. Ha ha!

animal sax jackal fucked to bitch

wtf

’43 isn’t 2043 or even gregorian – Ummmmmm, OK.

story behind tingle shampoo commercial tingle – You just like saying tingle, don’t you?  Admit it, it’s a funny word.

Almost as funny as having everyone know you’re a dandruff sufferer.

And the award goes to….

beer dick picture – Oh wow…. and I thought beer nuts sounded bad.  I hope you’re taking something for that condition…

Oops. Looks like our staff lost the beer dick picture. Such a shame!

Is that anything like whisky dick?

Now that all of the unimportant awards have been handed out, it’s time to really get down to business and honor the search string that our esteemed panel of imaginary critters have voted to be the best search term of the entire year!

This is the cream of the crop!  The Chuck Norris of search terms!  The search term that everyone will want to get a selfie with after the show!  We’re about to reveal The Nest’s favorite search term of 2017!  Or at least we will if the accountants didn’t fuck up the envelopes again.  This is the moment dreams are made of… the Best Search Sandy of 2017!

And the winner is……….

drum roll

Drum roll please, Hottie…

is a squirrel shitting on you good luck? – The definition of a rhetorical question is something that is asked for which the answer is already obvious to asker.  This question wasn’t asked rhetorically, but for fuck’s sake, what exactly is lucky about having a squirrel drop a load of recycled acorns on your head!?!?  If I were walking down the street and suddenly got bombed from above by squirrel poop toffee, I doubt I’d consider that a good day to buy a lottery ticket.  In fact, I’d probably run home and lock myself up in my room and not come out for days.  Really, dude, getting shit on by a random animal is that bad.

You never saw any brown squirrel shit in your cereal bowl with the pink diamonds and green clovers, did you?

You could stand under my umbrella, ella, ella if you weren’t so unlucky.

Hey, we kept it under 3,000 words this year!  Good thing we conveniently forgot to invite half of the nominees and cut out all of the nude scenes.  So anyway, that’s a wrap for this year’s presentation of the Sandy Awards!  I hope you got a nice laugh at the expense of anonymous schmucks on the internet to help ease the pain of your excessive celebrations.  Let’s hope that 2018 is just as messed up a year so that The Nest can bring you another gaggle of fucked up search terms to mock for next year’s show!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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29 Responses to The 2017 Sandy Awards!

  1. I just laughed myself into a stupor. Maybe it’s all the drugs I take to go to sleep, but this was really funny.

    • It came out a lot better than I thought it would when I saw the list of what I had… but I probably feel that way every year I make up this awards post. Between Google masking more search terms, and WordPress wanting to give us less and less information, I’m really surprised I still have the ammo to do this every year. Thankfully, the weirdness of the internet continues to win out over corporate stupidity!

  2. hahah where can I buy that squirrel toffee?…and yes clowns have to stay in the sewer and I would run before I get a hug from a guy with red hair and a red nose…

  3. Ladybuggz says:

    Awesome! Ya had me chuckling out loud to the point the hubby suggested he should call the guys in the white coats!
    Ps..I’ll stop the Libra search terms, they are getting weirder and weirder! (or maybe it’s me)! 🙂 Happy 2018 ES !!

  4. Best awards show I’ve seen since…..well……..EVER! Amazing what people google – I learned a long time ago not to try and figure out what’s going on in people’s brains (assuming they have one) but honestly – some of these things are UNFATHOMABLE but FUN. Here’s to a 2018 full of Sandy Award search candidates – people are getting more weirded out by the minute so it should be a banner crop of awardees next year. Meanwhile – HAPPY NEW YEAR to THE NEST!

    Pam

    • Thank you! And I must say, I build so much of my blog’s humor of the weirdness of other people, that I really hope they never change! Of course, I probably qualify as one of them as well…. you know, like people who can’t look a a picture without imagining it’s a prison! Happy New Year, and let’s continue to make the world just a little more off kilter… while helping people forget all the real weirdness!

      • Well said – that’s what we try to do too…….just add a little sparkle here and there while pretending the world isn’t quite as SCARY as it sometimes is! 🙂

  5. ksbeth says:

    wonderful and thanks for the big laughs

  6. crimsonowl63 says:

    This was a terrific post! So funny. I have never had the pleasure of reading the Sandy Awards. My loss. Might have to go back and read older ones. I don’t think I would destroy your 80s albums. They are awful and have that horrible 80s sound and just don’t play them to me except in your blog ones. lol But you somehow like them sooo, I would just call you names. Jokers Wild was a great show! I still yell JOKER, JOKER, JOKER! I’m nerdy like that. Happy New Year.

    • It’s alright, I don’t really have any 80’s records anyway (Or records at all!) If you get time, you’ll definitely want to check out the past years, especially the last three since it took me a year or two to really find my groove with the Sandys. It’s amazing how many unique and really weird terms come in over the years… and they make waiting out the extremely repetitive ones (Like people searching for whether squirrels come out at night) worth it.

  7. draliman says:

    Well, I have to say that I was really looking forward to the acrobatic display by Batsquirrel. How disappointing.

  8. Wow. Just wow. The real scary part is some of those searchers could be neighbors. Yikes!

  9. Quirky Girl says:

    I had no clue squirrel prostitution was a thing… but as you say, I suppose they do need to earn their nuts somehow… 😛

  10. Trisha says:

    It boggles the mind…. I’m sure I don’t even want to know what some of these people were looking for!

    • Aw, there’s nothing strange about squirrel poop toffee or condom photography! I’m sure they’re just perfectly normal things we haven’t been exposed to yet……….. thank goodness!

  11. Thanks be to Dog for the internet! 😉

  12. 1jaded1 says:

    Late to the party. You are so funny with your responses to these searches.. May the searches never stop.

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