Rage Against The Machine

It’s just another way too mellow afternoon in Fuzzywig’s den, when his groove is interrupted by a knock on the door…

FUZZYWIG: Who can that be?  Everyone knows not to bother me at 4:20.  I hope it isn’t the narcs again… I swear this stuff is only for medicinal purposes…

Fuzzy goes to answer the door…

FUZZYWIG: Now listen you….

FUZZYWIG: (Wiping the tears out of his eyes) It’s too early for the DDT truck to be driving by…

RAINY: Your mangy mutt was in my garden chewing up my prized venus flytraps again!  And just look at what he filled my rain gauge up with!  This is NOT RAIN!!!  Here, see for yourself…

Rainy dumps the vile contents of her gauge on top of Fuzzy’s head and stomps off in a huff…

FUZZYWIG: Sigh.  Whoever came up with the silly idea of animal cruelty laws did not own a disobedient waste of fur and Alpo like I do.  When I get my hands on that four legged hellhound, I’m gonna….

FUZZYWIG: What are you doing with my Good Stuff!?!?!?  That cost me my entire unemployment check!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! GRAZING IN THE GRASS IS A GAS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: You are SO going to get served up with the dragon balls at the Chinese buffet for the Year of the Mutt!  But before I deal with you, I need to find myself a furry companion who might actually behave once in a while….

Fuzzywig trudges off to the local Mecca and shops through the clearance aisle for something cheap to shoplift… then returns home with his find.

FUZZYWIG: Get a load of this, Fleabag!

FUZZYWIG: We live in a wonderful day and age where you can build your own pet and have it actually do whatever you command it to do.  You have just become obsolete!

FUZZYWIG: Let’s see….. this shouldn’t be too hard to put together with these bilingual pictograms in Greek and Klingon…

Fuzzywig finds the tools he borrowed from Chip three years ago without ever bringing back and gets to work assembling his new friend…

FUZZYWIG: Hey, I think I found a new creature for the Star Wars movies!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! ON WITH ITS HEAD! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Perfect!  And so much cuter than you are, mutt.  I hereby dub thee Robofox!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! DOMO ARIGATO! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Now to power him up…

Fuzzywig turns on the switch, and….

ROBOFOX: (In an automated voice) Sarah Connor?

FUZZYWIG: Success!  And his ass even lights up.  Hey, I might be able to use him for a bong…

Fleabag wanders over to the newly built robotic fox to sniff its behind, but soon runs off in another direction barking its head off…

FUZZYWIG: Don’t be jealous just because you’re getting replaced by an efficient machine that won’t shit on my good newspaper!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: What’s gotten into you?

FUZZYWIG: Stupid dog!  It’s just a possum digging through the trash!  Will you PLEASE stop that damn barking!  Go on, scat possum!!! (Claps paws together, like that will work)

Buster pays no mind to Fleabag’s nonstop woof-fest nor Fuzzy’s protests and continues to dig for half eaten Butt Nugget Bars.  A strange whirring and buzzing sounds starts up behind them…

FUZZYWIG: Dafuq?

ROBOFOX: Must disassemble…. possum!!!

Robofox’s eye lasers disintegrate the foraging possum into several quintillion atoms right before their eyes.  Fuzzy and Fleabag inspect the carnage once the ashes have stopped smoldering…

FUZZYWIG:

Fuzzy comes down from his mad genius inspired high to discover that he maybe isn’t so smart after all…

ROBOFOX: Must disassemble…. Mary Jane!!!

FUZZYWIG: Wait!!!  No!!!!!  Not my MARIHUANA!!!!  Bad robot!!!! Bad!!!!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! SCHADENFREUDE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

No sooner as the raccoon’s stash of hash has been lasered into ash, the vulpine bot flees outside to cause even more chaos just for your entertainment…

ROBOFOX: Must disassemble…. Kevin Eubanks!!!

SCRATCHY: Hey, dude!  Watch it!!  That’s our only muzak down at the club!!!

ROBOFOX: Must disassemble…. booze!!!

SNUGGLE: Hey, dude!!!  I hope you’re gonna pay for this!  I wasn’t even halfway to the (hic!) label yet!

ROBOFOX: Must disassemble….. bad hairpiece!!!

UNCLE SAM: And I would like to remind you all how lucky you were to get to vote for me to be your….. um, I feel a draft.

Those in the audience who hadn’t already been put to sleep laugh upon seeing President Sam’s burnt scalp.

UNCLE SAM: I knew I shouldn’t have held a speech so close to a book depository!

Fuzzy panics as he watches his creation run wild and atomize everything in its path!

FUZZYWIG: What have I wrought upon this shelf!?!?  I should have just adopted a shelter unicorn!  We need a hero to save us!!!  Where’s Aquaman when you need him?

praying raccoon

RICKY: The Lord has overlooked our past unforgivable sins and has answered our prayers.  Our savior from doom is on the way…

And a dandy savior he is…

ROBOFOX: Must disassemble…. fox!!!

MR. FOX: …………..

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

The battle of eye lasers between the two foxes gets hot and heavy….

But there can only be one winner….

FUZZYWIG: On one hand, I’m disappointed that our last hope for survival just got whipped like the Egyptian curling team.  But on the bright side, I’m glad that stupid fox finally got what’s been coming to him.  Oh well, it’s been a good life…

Yoooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MITZI: OMGOMGOMG!!!  You are so kyooooooot!!!!

ROBOFOX: Must disassemble………. implants!

MITZI: Is that a hard drive in your pocket, or are you just happy to see ol’ Mitzi?

Robofox has no concept of flirting, and carries on with his dirty work…

Fuzzy’s haywire science project tries his best to destroy Mitzi’s fake boobjob, but the silicone merely deflects the devastating lasers in another direction…

Well, that figured…

RAINY: Who just disassembled my precious rain gauge!?!?!?  Somebody is going to pay very dearly for this!!!  I hope one of your junk parts is equipped with a really good sniffer…

Rainy douses the mechanical fox with an odor foul enough to peel the coating off of a ball bearing.  But it does no good.  In fact, it just seems to make the autonomous robot even angrier…

ROBOFOX: MUST…… DISASSEMBLE……….. SHELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUZZYWIG: You did it this time, Rainy.  You sprayed the wrong critter…

RAINY: Oops!

The four legged terminator begins glowing like a supernova as it prepares a massive eye laser that will put Shelf Critter Theatre permanently out of business, and maybe bring something halfway decent to this blog every Friday…

The shelf needs another hero…

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! YOU HAVE PEE-MAIL! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

The robot’s glow begins to give out as he sparks and sputters after having his tender insides greases with dog whiz.  Before long, the robotic fox of the apocalypse has come to ground to a complete halt…

FUZZYWIG: I sure never thought I’d say this, but……………… good doggy!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! SUPERMUTT! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

MITZI: YAYAYAYAY!!!  Now that the day is, like saved, we can get on with my hot and steamy shower scene with the hero!!!

RAINY: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal in 69 states.

FUZZYWIG: Now what am I going to do with this hunk of junk?

ZEEBA: Oooooh!  I get a foxyback ride!!!  Yippee!!!

BEARCAT: Lookie what I can do, Mommy!

MITZI: You go, Sarah Connor!!!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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18 Responses to Rage Against The Machine

  1. Yikes…you zapped the whole frickin’ shelf?? What’s the heck is matter with you??
    On the other hand, that was a fun read at the end of a serious week. Thanks for the smiles.

  2. an aqua-dog can be helpful…. and the mama called me a pig as I peed in my dad’s shoes…

  3. draliman says:

    Ha, one of your best for sure! We had Terminator, Short Circuit, Ghostbusters, Fleabag talking (or has he “spoken” before?)… even Spaceballs, if you liken the eye beams meeting to the ring beams meeting (probably a bit of Superman there too).
    Those instructions must have been tricky, Greek is a difficult language. Qapla’!

    • Yes, it was a veritable 80’s sci fi movie fest! I’m not sure if Robofox was using the Schwartz or not…. maybe I should have tried it on Snuggle Bear’s privates…

      Fleabag usually buries some word or phrase in his incessant string of barking. Though this is probably the most “dialogue” I’ve ever given him in an episode, so it was extra noticeable…

  4. Or, to put it another way …
    —————————————————————————And then, Dylan Thomas said:
    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
    Because their words had forked no lightning they
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
    And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    And you, my father, there on the sad height,
    Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
    ———————————————————————————————————————–
    And it’s just like your post with green and blinding lights and sights and fierce tears and just about EVERYTHING. You’re SUCH a mad poet!

    • I borrowed the title from a well known alternative rock band. I had no idea there was a poetic connection to it (English LIt was NOT one of my favorite subjects…. sorry Dylan).

  5. reocochran says:

    The Robofox with neon glare eyes and the skunk smell radiating like a dense fog were really fun special effects! Take care and wishing you a great New Year, 2018! 🙂

  6. Ladybuggz says:

    Fake boobs are now on my bucket list especially if they can save my life! lol..

  7. Such an exciting episode of Shelf Critter Theater on steroids……Robofox even “de-lasered” is a good addition…..Who knows – that dog pee MAY have given him some other super power that he hasn’t yet discovered now that his lasers are defunct. Never a dull moment!

    Pam

    • I had to look at those robots all night in the area I was working in, and the fox was just too cute! I’d already had his SCT debut planned out in my head before I even got off work and was able to buy him…

  8. Wonderfully funny. Didn’t quite LOL but I’ve become too accustomed to reading you in public places where actually doing so would not be advantageous!

    • I think this episode was more action than comedy… or at least intentional comedy. And I had so many images to use with this one, that I was able to curtail my verbal diarrhea a bit and keep the word count down… which eliminated probably 10 additional crappy gags.

  9. Quirky Girl says:

    Vodka, Palmolive, and fake unicorn boobs… Oh, my! 😂

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