Christmas In January

I took this picture Saturday night, so my neighbors are obviously on board with that concept.

It’s time to open up a fresh can of Whoop Ass and wash it down with some thirst quenching Haterade, as The Nest continues its weekly Wednesday slog through some of the most thoroughly awful classic tunes to ever ooze out of a radio.  It’s the Top 30 Iconic Songs I Can’t Stand countdown, and we’re up to lucky number thirteen!  This one goes out to an entire genre of overrated music that needs to go get itself fucked with a fully lit yule log…

#13. “Feliz Navidad” – Jose Feliciano

For two months out of every year, civilized people as we know them allow some ridiculous ancient celebration to mess with the parts of their brains that can distinguish between good music and repetitive, ear bleeding garbage.  It can be the only possible explanation for why Christmas music is about all you can hear between Halloween and New Years.  There are some halfway decent holiday songs out there, don’t get me wrong.  But most of it is crap that would get you serenaded with snowballs if you came to my door caroling out that shit…

This is the only chipmunk music I ever want to hear.

Yes, that song by Alvin and the boys is well beyond our legal definitions of what constitutes torture in the first world.  There is no artist out there who can ever make “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” sound anything but utterly boring.  And Mariah Carey should have been shot years ago for unleashing that screeching, ear-splitting travesty on poor, innocent Mecca shoppers.  But when it comes to overplayed holiday music that I literally can not and will not stand to ever listen to again, this is and always will be at the very tippy top of my shit naughty list…

Jose Feliciano got back at those of us who are fortunate enough to have eyesight by assaulting our delicate sense of hearing with this thoroughly asinine Latin carol that has got to be one of the most ridiculous pieces of music ever recorded.  The song is three minutes and change long, contains three or four verses (I honestly can’t count very well when my hands are flush against my ears), and yet there are only four different lines of lyrics in the entire damned thing!

  1. Feliz Navidad
  2. Próspero año y felicidad
  3. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas
  4. From the bottom of my heart

Give or take a hideous Mexican laugh or two, those are the only 20 words that are ever sung.  Over and over and over again….

Goddamn blind bastard…

The monotony of the lyrics almost makes the fact that Jose couldn’t decide whether to sing this international travesty in Spanish or English seem irrelevant.  It’s seriously like singing the bilingual instructions on the back of a bottle of Suavitel… only returning back to the top each time you finish, and not stopping until either your voice gives out or you’ve been justifiably murdered by whoever had to listen to you.  That isn’t the recipe for what has somehow become one of the most popular Christmas songs of all time…. that’s a flaming garbage barge that should have never been allowed into this country in the first place if only we had a Wall of Sound to protect our borders from shitty Latin music…

Don’t worry, Phil. We’ll make Jose Feliciano pay for it…

I’ll be back next Wednesday to spread more holiday cheer to another song that should be getting underwear and coal in its stocking…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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31 Responses to Christmas In January

  1. I hate last christmas the most, but this one is in my hate-top-ten too. but maybe the lyrics were arranged with purpose, even after 87 egg noggs and some bottles of wine/beer you are still able to belch along ;O))))

    • Even a drunk skunk could sing along and not forget the words to this one. And I agree with you on Last Christmas, though I can assure you that the Taylor Swift version of it will make you long for George Michael again…

      • the worst was the video… I mean who has fun at such a lame christmas party? I always hoped the ropeway comes down to make an end of this trash, but not even that happened …

  2. Oh my goodness I’d forgotten about that one……and now thanks to you I’ve got that earworm floating around in my otherwise vacant brainbox. I really and truly did NOT like a thing about Jose’s version of the song but even then, as a song, it has ZERO redeeming qualities – lack of words being the biggie. One GOOD thing is that I haven’t actually heard that song being played ANYWHERE at Christmas for years. I guess we’re not the only ones who hate it??

    Pam

    • Maybe it’s been outlawed where you live! Amazingly, they don’t play must Christmas muzak at Mecca anymore, so I don’t hear this as much as I used to either. But for a decade after I first heard it in 1998…… it was UN-AVOID-ABLE!!!

  3. Trisha says:

    Out of a shitload of god awful, piece of shit Christmas songs, this one definitely deserves to be in the top ten. Of course, I hate nearly all popular Christmas songs. I’m drawn to cheerful music the rest of the year, but I don’t like anyone telling me to be cheerful during the most shittiest time of the year. The songs about snow and sleigh bells make me especially surly and resentful about our dismal, dark, wet, boring, not-wintry weather. I need to remember your line about overrated Christmas music needing to go get itself fucked with a fully lit Yule log.” That is sure to make me giggle when I’m subjected to the never ending barrage of shitty Christmas music next year!

    • They just need to re-write the songs for the Pacific Northwest… Let It Rain, Wading Through A Winter Marshyland, Drip Drops Falling From a Leaky Roof. Naw, those sound too depressing too. Let’s just bring in a shitload of fully lit yule logs and cancel all fucking Christmas music!

      • Trisha says:

        LOL! I like that idea. We can hand the first log out to whoever decided to play Feliz Navidad on the radio here in the USA. Mariah Carey should get one early on when they’re nice and flaming hot too.

  4. franhunne4u says:

    This ain’t the time for Christmas songs. I only endure them in December. I might like the sweets that come along for Christmas from late September onwards, but not the music.

    • I wasn’t going to rearrange the countdown to accommodate seasonal correctness, so this one got stuck in late January. If it only wouldn’t have been so shitty, I could have played it last month instead…

  5. ghostmmnc says:

    I must be in the minority here, as I love this song, and never hear it enough. You probably saw me posting about it awhile back. I do agree that some songs are played way too much, for Christmas, or any other time.

    • I guarantee you that I am in the minority…. or at least, the vocal minority about this song. It’s way too popular… or at least was, I’m not sure it’s as big as it was earlier in the millennium. And at least there are not chipmunks singing in it…

  6. I think you listen to a lot more Christmas music than we do, probably because you work in a store with the muzak and that’s got to really overwhelm you. I’m not sure how I would deal with that much mediocre overload, musically speaking. But one trip in the car with a couple of Christmas music tapes usually suffices us for the entire season … I think I don’t listen to any of these enough to hate them.

    • It’s not as bad as it once was… the last couple years, I’ve hardly had to hear any Christmas music at all. But for the better part of a decade and a half, it was definitely overload. And my secondary radio station becomes ALL Christmas music the last two months of the year, which is just ridiculous. Who keeps those all holiday radio stations in business anyway?

  7. This made me laugh out loud. Whenever this song comes on the radio my daughter and I stop EVERYTHING and sing along. We’ve been doing this since the 1st grade Winter/Holiday/WTF Christmas program at her school. She is now in college… didn’t realize it has been that long until now. So from the bottom of my heart, to the bottom of your heart… HA HA HA HA HA. Good post. I can agree with your choice.

    • That is great!!! It would actually make a great kids song since so many of them are repetitive and annoying for adults who do not have to deal with children. Maybe Jose wrote “Wheels On The Bus” too…

  8. Ally Bean says:

    Of all the Christmas songs to hate on, this is a good choice. Bravo! It’s awful.

  9. fanrosa says:

    I could not be more 100% absolutely, positively on board with you on this one. This song is mainly responsible for why I hate listening to stations that play Christmas music from November to December, it’s on constant rotation.

    Seriously, I’m talking Mrs. White flames on the side of my face hate for this one…..

    • I don’t often “like” comments on my blog, but I did hit that button when I saw this comment come up in the notifications Thursday…. just for the Clue reference. Oh shit, I guess Esto is right about me…

  10. Thanks! Guess what I’ll be singing ALL day. As if being stuck in my cubicle of purgatory wasn’t enough… 😉

  11. Piglove says:

    OMP – Now this one I can you story. We love it here at the Hotel Thompson. But several years ago, they came out with an even better one with the same tune to this song but called Police Stop My Car OMP – You will laugh your evil butt off listening to it. Enjoy my friend. Now we will all be singing it today. Snorts and rolls with piggy laughter. XOXO – Bacon

  12. “Fleas Navidog.” 😈 Seriously that song makes me go nuts. And not in a good way. Good choice.

  13. draliman says:

    I don’t know this song. And have no wish to get to know it better. Not a song that I’ve ever heard played here at Christmas!

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