The Cutting Room Floor

EVIL SQUIRREL: Welcome everyone to another fascinating episode of Shelf Critter Theatre!  Well, at least I would be welcoming you to another fascinating episode of Shelf Critter Theatre if I could afford a staff of writers so I didn’t have to come up with all of the evil genius behind this series…… and if our most qualified writers weren’t all in padded cells right now.  Unfortunately, I don’t have a story idea once again…

So, aren’t we just wasting everyone’s time on this beautiful Friday?

ES: Shut up, Narrator Dude!  I don’t need you butting in with your lame ass commentary when I’m running the show!  Anyway, like every other filmed production, SCT has its share of footage that never sees the light of day on this blog.  Bloopers, flubbed lines, scenes that are too fucked up even for our low standards of entertainment and morality.  Some of these outtakes get scrubbed with bleach then fed to the homeless possums that hang around outside… but the rest of them…

BEARCAT: Hey Unca Evil!  Are we doing this right?

ES: You’re getting there… but you can never have enough blood added to a Buster image, so keep hitting that left-click!

ZEEBA: (Jumping up and down on the button) YAY!  Mouseyback rides!

ES: (Muttering to himself) I can’t believe I let Mitz rook me into babysitting those two brats while I’m trying to work.  Now where was I…. oh yeah, I’m going to treat you today to some deleted scenes from past Shelf Critter Theatre skits that never made it on the air.

ES: Everyone loves it when professional actors making millions of dollars fuck something up.  Well, our thespians are constantly burning takes by screwing up their scenes… but Shadow the Umbreon is probably the worst.  He can never quite remember just what he’s supposed to change into, and the results can be pretty messed up sometimes.  Like, for instance….

SPONKIE 2: We’ve got you now, Dumbreon!  Prepare to be captured!

SHADOW: Silly children.  Are you really still playing that stupid Pokemon No?  That is so 2016.

SPONKIE 1: This IS 2016 dude!  We’re in a deleted scene!

SHADOW: Oh.  Well, in that case, prepare to meet your match as I transform myself into a ferocious three headed dragon that will turn you into soot and ash with my chronic halitosis!

SPONKIE 1: Ummmm… what is that, Sis?

SPONKIE 2: I don’t know, Bro.  But I don’t think it’s harmful.  Let’s capture it anyway!

SPARKLEPONY: I’ve been looking for that!

SPARKLEPONY: I better not ever catch you taking Mommy’s special toy out of the nightstand ever again!  You’re both grounded!

SPONKIE 2: But Mommy!  It’s really a Pokemon!  Honest!

SPARKLEPONY: Tell that to your father when he gets home!  Now MOVE IT!!!

ES: Yeah, that’s the kind of thing that happens when you always have preverted thoughts on your mind… not that I know what that’s like.  Another crowd pleaser is when actors forget their lines.  Well, that never happens here since I write all the dialogue up myself… but occasionally our critters forget other important things before they come onto the set…

TROLL: Welcome to McHorny’s, home of the half pound unicorn burger!  May I take your order, please?

SNUGGLE: I want the Combo #69, whale sized.  And you better hold the “secret sauce” this time!  The only thing curly I want to see in my meal are the fries!  Hey!  Dafuq is wrong with you!?!?

TROLL: I don’t know what you mean, sir…

SNUGGLE: You’re not wearing any fucking pants!!!

TROLL: To be fair, sir, neither are you.

SNUGGLE: Dude!  I’m a furry, cute little animal!  I’m legally allowed to go around without drawers on.  It’s the Donald Duck rule.  You, on the other hand… well, I see this isn’t the home of the Whopper.

TROLL: Now I know why it hurt so much when I got splashed by hot grease from the fryer.  But I do feel much more comfortable in this hot kitchen..

SNUGGLE: I have a special friend who’d be dying to meet you like that.

TROLL: Really?  I could use a few friends.

BIG SCRAT: Good!  I’ll be coming through your Drive Thru with my limousine…

TROLL: (Being bent over the bun warmer) Can somebody please call the representative from Botany 500 to get me a fresh wardrobe…. YEOW!  OW!  Hey, we’re only supposed to serve sausage during breakfast hours!  OWWWW!!!

ES: It was really kind of the director not to yell “CUT!” until Big Scrat was finished with his Happy Meal.  Speaking of the idiots we have behind the scenes, they don’t always do their jobs right… and that can lead to mistakes that waste production time as well.  I remember one time when…

CHIP: That’s a pretty neat magic lamp you’ve got there, Fuzzy!

FUZZYWIG: It’s not a magic lamp!  It’s a bong!

CHIP: So I can’t get my wishes granted?

FUZZYWIG: Dude, this lamp grants the best wish of all!  When you’re mellow, you don’t need anything else in the world…

CHIP: Hey, what happened!?  Who turned off the lights?

FUZZYWIG: I didn’t think the sun was setting until 4:20…

CHIP: The best boy grip is responsible for this!  He must be in the electrical room!

Chip and Fuzzywig feel their way in the dark towards the control room and find the best boy grip a bit preoccupied with a live wire…

MITZI: Oh, yes bestest boyest grippy wippy!  You have totally shown Mitzi the light!!!

CHIP: Well, this might count as unprofessional behavior.

FUZZYWIG: I’m going back to smoke my dope in the dark…

BROTHER BEAR: Best. Job. Ever!

ES: Yeah, I fired his ass for that stunt.  I’m the only one allowed to have inappropriate relations with the employees around this Shelf.  But we still have a problem with critters not being able to keep their paws to themselves… and that can lead to disaster.  Like when this happened…

TINA: Puppy!!!!!!!!!!!

MARY: (Being licked in the face) Oh, he’s such an adorable little thing, isn’t he?

TINA: He sure is!  Let’s take him to the Chinese buffet!

MARY: Oh my!

TINA: I don’t think you should let him do that, Mary!  Want me to get the rolled up newspaper?

MARY: No… I think it’s alright.  He’s just feeling out his…… urges, and….. well, it’s just a dog.  What can he…….. possibly do……

MARY: Son of a fucking bitch!!!!  I did NOT want puppies in my life!

ES: And so you know now why Mary missed all of Season One.  Fortunately for her, The Nest has unlimited unpaid maternity leave available to all of its critters.  Her four baby poodles are adorable… well, what did you think you’d get when you cross a sheep with a dog?  A sheepdog?  Ha!  Oh, I’ve got one more big boner to show you.  No, not that… another oopsie that never made it to prime time.  Like everything else you see in this series, the following scene may contain images that some find to be disturbing…

RAINY: I am SO fed up with you pretending to be a skunk!

SAGE: Do I look like a pretender, bitch?  I’m totally a skunk, yo?

RAINY: Well, then let me give you a skunk’s Baptism by fire then…

SAGE: OMG!  WTF!?!?

RAINY: Oops!   I don’t know how that happened!

SAGE: This.  This…….. it’s……….. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

ES: And that’s when we decided that we needed to write Rainy out of the episode every fourth Friday.  We prefer to save that particular bodily fluid for the possums…

MITZI: Yoooooooooohoooooooooooo!!!  I’m back!

BEARCAT: Mommy!!!  (Pointing to the computer screen) Lookie what we did!!!

ZEEBA: We kilt Buster!!!

MITZI: Oh noes!  What kind of violence have you been, like, imposing my kids to!?!?

ES: (Sweating) Ummmmm, well, they were just kinda helping me out with a future episode…. and….

MITZI: You have been corrupting my poor kidlets!!!  Bad squirrelly whirly!  Bad!!!

ES: I…… er…..

MITZI: I will not have my babies, like, learn about such adult themes!  I’m going to punish you!!!

MITZI: Alright, l’il Mitzies!  Pay attention as Mommy shows you the proper way to punish a bad boy!

ZEEBA AND BEARCAT: YAY!!!!!!!!!

ES: Best. Job. Ever!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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14 Responses to The Cutting Room Floor

  1. Merbear74 says:

    Well…we finally found something that Brother Bear is good for…

  2. Quirky Girl says:

    Quite frankly, I’m not convinced you’re the bad influence on Mitzi’s delightful offspring. She, like, does a totally impressive job of that, like, you know, herself.

    Besides, what’s a little blood, compared to her propensity for unladylike conduct? Can you say pole dancing and pasties? Yeah.

  3. Um…good thing I have the weekend to recover from these outtakes, right?

  4. franhunne4u says:

    Boo. boo . I want my episode of SCT – and when do I want it? On Friday! Boo, boo … (I can already see you smiling smugly, calling out for contributions to your contest in February when I break my brain to come up with ONE episode per year – and fail)

    • You got your episode, it just wasn’t a real episode because it wasn’t planned. My favorite episode I wrote came about the same way. I do better when I don’t have a script…

  5. I got totally stuck on a naked guy in a kitchen with hot fat. The images that ran — and are still running — through my mind? Ugly. Frightening. And PAINFUL. Naked? Where there’s HOT FAT? Nude? Unclothed???

  6. crimsonowl63 says:

    I laughed so hard at this! I had my husband read it and he was laughing, too. Lol

  7. draliman says:

    Do you have a whole room full of spare stunt possums in case one of Buster’s death scenes gets screwed up?

  8. Brilliant as always. Outtakes are definitely far funnier than they should be!

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