Dark Shadows

The scene: The asscrack of dawn on February 2nd.  Here you can find millions of critters who have nothing better to do than stand around a hole in the ground at this ungodly hour in frigid temperatures…

CHIP: Good morning, Shelf critters!  This is your ace reporter Chip Squirrel live on the scene in Shelfsutawney, where the world awaits with baited breath for the arrival of…

SPONKIE 2: (From behind the camera) That’s “bated breath,” sir!

CHIP: Well, they misspelled it on the TelePrompter then.  Anyway, as I’m sure you’re well aware, today is Groundpossum Day!  And what every critter wants to know is whether Buster is going to see his shadow or not.  Meteorologists need this valuable information to prepare their forecasts for the next six weeks.  Let’s take it live to the Mayor of Shelfsutawney, Uncle Sam, who is about to get the annual festivities underway before all of the valuable tourist dollars leave this small shithole of a town…

UNCLE SAM: Good morning citizens of Shelfsutawny and members of every morning news show in the world!  This is the moment we wait for every year when our magical groundpossum Buster predicts whether we will have an early Spring or not just by climbing out of his hole!  If Buster sees his shadow… it means six more weeks of this nasty winter we’ve been having.  But is Buster doesn’t see his shadow….

FUZZYWIG: Climate change.

SAM: It means we will get an early Spring!  So let’s all hope that Shelfsutawney Buster can ignore his shadow like you all kindly ignore my past political scandals!  Let’s get this show started before the strip clubs close down for the night!

Uncle Sam reaches down into the possum hole next to him and pulls Buster out of his warm home by the nutsack…

Sam holds Buster up by the balls for every news camera in the world to get a good look at him.  The crowd cheers as loud as a crowd can cheer before the coffee has kicked in.  Sam throws the four legged prognosticator to the ground and gets on with the ceremonies…

BUSTER: Oh my!  If I knew seven billion people were going to be looking at me first thing in the morning, I would have at least put on some boxers.

SAM: Buster, the good people of this cold, snowy land would like to know if you saw your shadow today…

BUSTER: Well, quite frankly Mr. Mayor, I…

SAM: (Cutting off Buster with a prepared speech) I, Shelfsutawney Buster, the official meteorologist of every Groundpossum Day on this Shelf, do hereby declare that on the morning of February 2nd, 2018, I did emerge from my burrow and must admit that I did, in fact, see my shadow.  And in accordance with the traditions of this holiday, predict that there will be six more weeks of winter.

BUSTER: But I didn’t see my shadow!  The sun isn’t even up yet.  There must have been a mistake…

SAM: Buster has seen his shadow everyone, and has doomed us to another month and a half of winter!  What do you all think about that?

All eyes turn to the groundpossum as the crowd begins to boo and jeer loudly… throwing rotten eggs, bottles and hand grenades onto the makeshift stage.  Sam yanks out his smartphone and begins furiously tweeting a childish rant about Buster on his Twitter account…

SAM: (Turning to Buster) You have a lot of nerve seeing your shadow and making my approval rating plummet even lower than it already is!  Take THIS!

The Mayor slaps the living shit out of the hapless possum.  That fires up the cold and angry crowd even more…

FUZZYWIG: I didn’t get up at 4:20 in the morning just to find out I won’t be able to plant my next batch of MARIHUANA for another six weeks!  You no good, mangy fool!

The crazy coon dumps the hot ashes from the pipe he was smoking on top of Buster’s head… causing Buster to squirm around in obvious pain.

LUNA: I… NEVER!  How DARE you see your shadow and delay my trip to the beach!

Luna gores Buster in the gut with her recently sharpened horn…

BUSTER: My spleen!!!!!!!!!!!!!


SPARKLEPONY: So I get six more weeks of frozen nips and the kids having snow days?  You’re going to pay for this, groundpossum!

BUSTER: But I didn’t….

Ehhhh, it’s gonna be hard for Buster to defend himself now with a dislocated jaw…. so let’s just keep piling on!

RAINY: Why are you making me wait another six weeks to be able to collect the Spring rains!?!?  You are SO going to pay seeing that fat shadow of yours…

Everyone’s a critic when it comes to the groundpossum…


Fleabag scores a direct hit with his sharp teeth on Buster’s jewels.  Don’t worry, Buster’s very special day is about to get even more specialer…

Getting clubbed by three angry Shelfsutawneyites…

Stomped on by a giant sabertoothed squirrel…

ROBOFOX: (Burning Buster to a crisp with his eye lasers) Must dissasemble groundpossum!  Robofox engine HATES cold starts!

It seems like the critters’ point has been well made…

SAM: That serves you right for ruining the next six weeks for us, you stupid groundpossum!  Maybe next year you’ll learn to look the other way when you emerge from that filthy hole of yours!  Come one, everyone!  Let’s get out of here before the inevitable blizzard hits…

As the frustrated and disgusted crowd begins to shuffle back home to get some more sleep in before the workday starts, the news crew moves in to offer some final words on this most cherished of made-up holidays…

CHIP: Well, there you have it, folks.  Shelfsutawney Buster saw his shadow, and paid a dear price for that mistake.  Yeah, I really wanted to have to do more goddamn live shots standing out in the fucking snow like an idiot pretending it’s actually a big news story or something.  Lousy groundpossum!

Chip kicks Buster in the head for good measure before he and his cameracritter leave the scene and allow Buster to finish bleeding out in peace.  I guess there’s only one thing left to do now…

And so life goes for the groundpossum on this annual folk tradition that he is completely oblivious to since he’s just a simple critter who lives underground.  Used, abused, and then hung out to dry when the speechwriter poorly tries to translate groundpossum speak into English.  Well, I guess if there is a silver lining for Buster on this happy occasion that’s his species has been cursed to be associated with, at least it’s over now.  The anger and the violence and the outrage…. all because of a silly superstition.  At least for Buster, now lying at the bottom of the city dump, he’ll never have to go through this kind of torture again…..

BUSTER: Awwwww, son of a bitch!  Not again!

BUSTER: Every day for the past 34,583,733 days has been exactly the same for me!  I keep waking up, and it’s February 2nd all over again!  Not a thing ever changes!  Is this the special kind of hell I’ve been condemned to for all eternity just because of my role in Shelf Critter Theatre?


MITZI: Like, morning Possie Wossie!  You were a beast last night!  How ’bout we totally do another few rounds of the wild thang before you get yanked out of bed by that dude in the top hat!  It is your special day after all!

BUSTER: Totally worth every single repeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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20 Responses to Dark Shadows

  1. I’m sooooo with you…. let’s eat all that groundhogs … we only trust the weather guys… they are always right…

  2. Ladybuggz says:

    Poor Buster! Makes my winkie cold, LMAO!!

  3. draliman says:

    I had a feeling it was going to go badly wrong for Buster. At least he had a silver lining, if you can call Mitzi a silver lining. Bill Murray eat your heart out!

    • What’s a little violence, torture and mutilation when you get to have sex with a hot bimbocorn every morning for the rest of your life? You won’t see Buster complaining about his luck, no sir…

  4. Merbear74 says:

    No disassemble Johnny #5!
    I love that word…nutsack.

  5. Must be tough being the only possum in Shelfsutawney. Every year the same routine – rudely poked and prodded (and stabbed and beaten) without anyone giving a hoot about the calendar plainly telling everyone SPRING IS SIX WEEKS AWAY PERIOD! At least the local bimbocorn can soothe his frayed nerves (or some other part of his anatomy that remains intact). Happy recovery Buster!


    • I always feel sorry for that poor groundhog… the ultimate victim of circumstance. Just like Buster, of course. Hopefully Phil has someone to keep him company as well before all the grubby hands come looking for him that morning…

  6. extradot says:

    Extra points for the use of “asscrack.”

  7. The SCT gang need to realize he’s a possum, not a meteorologist. Clever take though. Maybe it was worth it to relive over and over again. {wink}

  8. I knew you’d have Buster die off, but I didn’t expect the tribute to Bill Murray at the end there…. Nicely done sir!

    • I was a bit too giddy when I thought of the concept of the groundhog having to relive this day over and over again…. especially when said groundhog was the always destined for a bad time Buster.

  9. Trisha says:

    I am glad Buster had a happy ending to his horrendous day. Poor Phil probably didn’t happen across a Bimbocorn to make up for getting so rudely pulled out of his borrow.

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