Ain’t Too Proud To Beg

CHIP: Welcome back to the 69th hour of our telethon to raise money to support Shelf Critter Theatre.  I know you’re all wanting to get back to the reruns of Cop Rock and Rainbow Donkey test patterns that would normally be airing on this station right now… but we’re going to stay on the air as long as it takes to reach our fundraising goal!  Speaking of, Fuzzy…. how’s the tote board looking right now?

FUZZYWIG: Well, Chip.  You might want to get another vat of Red Bull…

CHIP: Seriously!?!?  After almost three days of taking donations from readers, that’s ALL we’ve raised?  That total can’t be right!!!

TROLL: Oops!  You’re right!  There… now the total is correct!

CHIP: How can we be DOWN money!?!?  We’re collecting funds… not giving them away!

TROLL: Dude!  We’ve been locked up in this studio for three days!  Me and the phone operators finally ordered some pizza and put it on the Shelf’s tab!  You should be lucky I get an employee discount!

CHIP: We should still be raising more money than this!  Aren’t the phones ringing?

ZAC: OMG!  I’ve gotten about a million billion trillion calls from unknown callers!  I’ve already signed up for four home security systems, got threatened by the IRS, and consolidated all of my credit card debt into a low interest loan by giving out all of my personal information!  Yep yep yep!!!!

TINA: I don’t even think this is a REAL phone!  It doesn’t even have a screen!!!

CHIP: Where did we find such inept operators!?!?

RAINY: You try sitting at this table for 69 hours and answering some of the calls I’ve gotten!  There’s this one guy who….

For timely comedic purposes, Rainy’s phone begins ringing…

RAINY: This is the Shelf Critter Theatre telethon call center.  How large of a donation may I put you down for?

All that can be heard is the sound of heavy breathing….

SNUGGLE: (In a low, creepy tone) You’ve got a sexy voice! What are you wearing, babe?

Rainy hangs up the phone and begins fuming…. in that way only skunks can.

RAINY: I’m tired of this!  I feel like Jake from State Farm without the khakis!

CHIP: OK, I can see we’re going to be spending the next year living out on the street.  Unless…. oh wait, we have a big corporate donation coming in?  Great!  Let’s take it to Fuzzy with the presentation!

FUZZYWIG: I’ve got Uncle Sam here, CEO of America, Inc.  I assume you have our bailout money?

UNCLE SAM: Well… it was a good year for our economy, but of course that’s all for me and my cronies to divvy up.  But we also had a bumper crop of legalized MARIHUANA and thought it would be fitting to make a large donation to your fine organization for helping to promote the wacky weed for us.

FUZZYWIG: You’re too kind.  I hope you have your gift in nonconsecutive unmarked bills.

SAM: Of course not.  The only way to properly do this is with a fake check that can’t actually be cashed in any bank…

FUZZYWIG: Only $4.20?  Way to bogart the profits, dude!

SAM: It was a symbolic gesture.  I thought you would be amused.

FUZZYWIG: I’m not… but I guess that’s enough to buy another refill for my vaping bong at least.

BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

Everyone’s favorite mutt runs on stage to desecrate the fake check.

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! VOID! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: I’ll bet I could get more than $4.20 for selling you to the Chinese buffet!  And it would cut down on our food bill…

CHIP: Maybe we could guilt some more donations out of people if we showed them where their money goes to.  It doesn’t just buy us critter actors new light bulbs for our dressing room mirrors… it goes to help the down and out members of the troupe like Buster here.

CHIP: Buster.  As one of Chippy’s Kids, tell the audience out there how money raised during the telethon benefits you.

BUSTER: Oh, it helps me in so many ways, Chip!  SCT Charities subsidizes my sky high life insurance premiums, pays for bulk bottles of embalming fluid, gets me a very nice cardboard box to be buried in….

Crash!

CHIP: Well, son of a bitch!  Now we’re gonna have to spring for a new stage light!  We’re never going to get off the air!

LUNA: (Out there in TV land) Oh dear…. look at that poor possum.  I simply must help him!  Maybe I can donate some of this billion dollars I just won in the lottery to help him and the poor critters out…

Luna picks up her phone and makes the call…

LUNA: Hello, is this the critter telethon?  My name is Princess Luna… that’s P-R-I-N-C-E-S-S.  And I’d like to make a tax deductible donation in the amount of $25,000,000 to your foundation.  Where do I send my money?  Hello?  Hello!?!?  Is anybody there!?!?

MR. FOX: ……………………

Luna hangs up the phone in frustration and blows all her winnings on booze and loose stallions instead.

CHIP: Maybe some of our celebrity entertainment will help loosen up the pockets of the tightwads who watch us.  So ladies and gentlecritters…. please enjoy this delightful dance number from the one and only Mitzi!

MITZI: Yaysies!!!  I, like, made it rain!

RAINY: That is NOT rain!!!

CHIP: No, but it oughta be at least enough to cover the pizza bill and get us out of the red…

FUZZYWIG: (Collecting up the singles) I’ll go put this in my lockbox for safe keeping.

CHIP: Yeah, you do that Fuzzy and we’ll hold your bag of Good Stuff as collateral.  Now, getting on with the business at hand…….

CHIP: I don’t think you were part of the show’s entertainment lineup…

SHADOW: Of course I wasn’t.  I’d never participate in such a grade school production as this travesty of a telethon is.

FUZZYWIG: Well, the door’s over there, Clark Gable.  Not that you’d use it…

SHADOW: I dropped in because I have an important message for everyone!

CHIP: Great.  Now we’ll get sued for not providing equal time.

Shadow looks down and realizes he’s showing the wrong message, and quickly flips the card over…

FUZZYWIG: Dude, give it up.

SHADOW: No!  The Contest of Whatever is a vital part of this blog, and provides the necessary funds the Shelf needs to pay the bills during the year…

CHIP: No it doesn’t!  The Contest COSTS this blog money in prizes!  We’d be better off if nobody played your silly game!

SHADOW: Then I guess you two ruffians better up your begging game then…. because I’m going to see to it literally hundreds of people play the Contest of Whatever this year!

And with that, Shadow and his stupid reminder card vanish into the thick air of the Shelf…

CHIP: Certainly we’ve had to have more donations by now!  Let’s check with the phone bank…

CHIP: What’s going on here!?!?  Why is that squirrel asleep?  And where’s Tina!?!?

RAINY: Tina got bored and went outside to play in the street, and Zac just had a major sugar crash… or maybe a heart attack.  And as for me… I got tired of trying to collect donations for this stupid cause and started soliciting for RAIN donations instead.  LOOK WHAT PEOPLE SENT ME!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

CHIP: We are going to soooo get fired by the boss when he finds out we haven’t raised a dime!  I guess it’s time to bring out the big guns… nobody can say no to helping out little kids!

CHIP: These two poor children are starving, and they need your…

ZEEBA: We’re not starving!

BEARCAT: Heck no we’re not!  We both just had a healthy dose of titty milk!

ZEEBA: Straight from Mommy’s tap!

CHIP: You’re not helping matters here…

ZEEBA: I got a squirrelback ride!!!

BEARCAT: No fair, Sis!  I’m next!!!

CHIP: Mitzi!!!  Will you come get your two little hellions off of me!

MITZI: Now now, little grrls… be nice to Chippy Wippy!  He’s trying to raise money so Mitzi can get a new boobjob!

CHIP: What!?!?

BEARCAT: Mommy!  Can I get a boobjob too?

MITZI: Lulz!  You’re, like, totally too young for that, baby!  Maybe when you make it to second grade…

CHIP: Mitzi!  We’re on live TV!  You can’t be telling everyone you use the Shelf Critter fund on frivolous things like breast augmentation!  Now nobody is going to want to donate….

RAINY: Yes?  You’d like to donate HOW MUCH?  $5,000!?!?

ZAC: Will we accept your credit card for a $25,000 gift?  Yessir!  American Express will do nicely, thank you!

TINA: $50,000…. on the condition Mitzi gets double D’s?

MITZI: I totally will!!!!

TROLL: When is this going to stop?  I don’t think I can count this high without taking off my boots!

CHIP: Well, it’s not the most ethical way to raise money for our yearly budget… but I think we’ll have enough left over for food, beer and porn even after Mitzi gets her work done.

FUZZYWIG: Boobies make the world go round….

MITZI: (Shaking what she’s got) Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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8 Responses to Ain’t Too Proud To Beg

  1. Having just endured the Winter Fundraiser on NPR, yours was far more entertaining than listening to geeks drone on ad-libbing. Well done.

    • I’m sure this was more entertaining than just about any telethon ever… though I’m not sure the Labor Day telethon would have stayed on the air as long as it did had it turned out like this…

  2. You are one twisted puppy my friend!

  3. 12 call from people who to refinance the house. One from the guy who plows our driveway reminding me to tape a check for $50 to the garage door (I don’t have $50, but there’s the snow, so what are you gonna do?). A call from people who want to consolidate our credit cards and two calls from people who want to give us credit cards. Not one person called to give us money. How fair is that?

    OH, right. I got a check from my insurance company for an over-payment. Are you ready?

    $0.04.

    That’s right. As yet, the check remains uncashed. But i could send it to you.

    • Four cents… that sounds like an award from a class action lawsuit where the attorneys rake in eight or nine figures, while the people they were representing are lucky to get a buck or two. You should frame it…

      • It was one of those minor absurdities. A check? For four cents? Couldn’t they just take it off the next bill? I haven’t framed it, but it’s somewhere on my kitchen counter, probably glued down with pasta sauce.

  4. draliman says:

    I did call to donate but thought I’d accidentally called a adult chat line and hung up. Too late did I realise it was operator Mitzi.
    I’d say you have an impressive collection of ancient phones, except I know that’s your actual phone. Heh heh.

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