A Date With Density

BUB: I haven’t seen you this excited since Vidal Sassoon dropped that defamation lawsuit against you.  What’s up, Troll?

TROLL: I’ve got a blind date tonight!  This is gonna be the best night of my life!

BUB: What if they set you up with some ugly chick?

TROLL: Just because you once dated Lorena Bobbitt and got your weewee chopped off doesn’t mean every blind date’s going to be a dog!  Maybe you oughta try it out again!  Besides… I know how these Shelf Critter Theatre skits work now!  You know who’s gonna show up at that door!

TROLL: Oh yes!  A night with Mitzi, the Shelf Sweetie!  Here I come, darling!!!

Troll opens the door…

TROLL: Dafuq?

RAINY: I was about to say the same thing.  You don’t look anything like your profile picture…

BUB: (LOLing, which is probably a word now) Enjoy the best night of your life, putz!

TROLL: Shut up, No Nuts!  I’m STILL going to enjoy my night even if I have to spend it with a skunk!  Here, Toots!  I got you some flowers and chocolate…

RAINY: Tootsie Rolls are NOT chocolates!  And get this silly weed out of my precious rain gauge!!!

Troll removes the dandelion, which has already wilted, from Rainy’s “vase,” and the two randomly selected lovebirds set out on their dinner and a movie date.  First stop… a shady Chinese restaurant…

RAINY: The ambiance in this place is a little lacking.

TROLL: Nah.  The Nest just doesn’t have enough good Chinese restaurant props.

HUNG LO: Welcome to Hung Lo’s Almost All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet and Chopstick Emporium, home of the 10 piece dragon balls combo meal.  How may I help you?

TROLL: Wow!  We must be pretty special to have the owner of this joint wait on us!

HUNG LO: Or maybe I’m having to fill in for a certain rat’s nest headed server of mine who happened to call off from work tonight because he said he had the possum trots…

TROLL: Errrr…… ummmmmmm…. but I do actually feel a little ill…

RAINY: You told me you were the head Happiness Engineer for WordPress!  Not some two bit waiter at an Asian butchery!

HUNG LO: The Troll can’t even get the won ton sauce out to the table without spilling it all over the customers, which makes them very unhappy.  I’ll have him cleaning the johns with his tongue when he shows back up for work tomorrow.  But in the meantime, here…. have fortune cookies!

RAINY: These are NOT fortune cookies!  They are…

TROLL: Just humor him before I end up having to spit shine the bidets as well!

Troll opens his fortune cookie and reveals the same lame joke as always…

Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

Rainy opens up her fortune cookies to get something slightly different…

Five day forecast: Saturday – Sunny; Sunday – Sunny; Monday – Sunny; Tuesday – Sunny with a chance of skin cancer; Wednesday – The sun explodes into a supernova

RAINY: I do NOT find my fortune to be the least bit amusing!

TROLL: Well, at least you’ve got some paper now in case you need to use the ladies room.  It hasn’t been stocked with TP since the Year of the Unicorn.

HUNG LO: Dinner is served.

TROLL: Wow, I didn’t even think we ordered yet!

HUNG LO: Kitchen only has leftover General Tso’s chicken from last week’s Chinese New Year celebration.

RAINY: But that’s a giant nut!

HUNG LO: No, it is the only thing we have on hand that looks like a serving tray.  Now… (removing the lid) enjoy!


TROLL: Ummmm… I think our dinner is just a little undercooked.

FUZZYWIG: There you are!!!

FUZZYWIG: I’ve been looking all over for you since you broke that chain I had you tied up to the electric fence with!  The Shelfminster dog show is this weekend, and the prize for Worst in Show is $420!  You’re a shoo in to win me that jack…. so get out of that bowl and let’s get you registered!

Fuzzywig and his unprized mutt vacate the premises while Rainy throws her napkin on the table in disgust…

RAINY: I’ve had enough of this nonsense!  Let’s just get some carryout!

HUNG LO: At your service…

TROLL: I think the carryout is undercooked as well…

BUSTER: Naw, don’t worry!  I’ve drank enough venom from the poisonous blowfish, that I’ll be more than expired and ready to eat by the time you get back home!

RAINY: Let’s….. go…….. NOW!!!!!!!!!

Troll ditches the carryout container full of possum stew in the nearest trash can on the way to the next stop on this date that will live in infamy… the movie theater.

RAINY: Really?  Is this the best movie that was playing?

TROLL: Hey, some of my kin were in The Trolls Movie!

RAINY: Given the obvious incestuous inbreeding, I’d say you’re probably all kin.

RAINY: Hey!  Down in front!  Troll!  Do something about this so I can see the screen!

TROLL: Sure…. um, excuse me, sir.  But me and my babe here are trying to watch the show, and all we can see is the back of your big head…

BIG SCRAT: (Turning around) You got a problem with my big head?

TROLL: Ummmmm…… well sir, I…

BIG SCRAT: Let’s go to the back row and I’ll show you what I can do with my big head…

Troll is dragged kicking and screaming and pleading towards the rear of the theater, where things often happen in the dark between two critters that really don’t need to see the light of day.  That’s where the cinema’s usher must step in to take control…

SNUGGLE: Alright, you two!  Back to your seats or get a room!

BIG SCRAT: Would you like to make this a threesome?

SNUGGLE: (Noticing who it is) Whoops!  I’ll just pretend this isn’t happening.  Carry on!

TROLL: This isn’t (OW!) the action (OW!) I thought I’d (OW!) get tonight!!! OW!!!

Once Big Scrat has emptied his box of Milk Duds, the disheveled Troll staggers back to his date…

RAINY: Where have you been!?!?  The movie is over now, and I didn’t even get a bucket of popcorn!  This is the worst date I’ve ever been on!!!

TROLL: You’re telling me, Toots.  Maybe a nice, quiet drive away from everyone and everything will help…

And so Troll drives his date out to the deserted lover’s lane, which has an romantic view of the Shelf’s landfill…

TROLL: Isn’t it wonderful way out here?

RAINY: It smells like raw sewage!

TROLL: I know… and it’s kinda got me in the mood, if you know what I mean!

Troll takes advantage of the situation to get a little closer to Rainy… ready for the right moment to make the first move.  Troll puckers up his fish lips and….

SHADOW: Greetings, critters!

TROLL: Dammit!  I was just about to score, numbnuts!

RAINY: What!?!?!?

SHADOW: I have come here with the two minute warning!

TROLL: Dude!  All we want is a little privacy!

SHADOW: And all I want is some people to play the Contest of Whatever, and this is the LAST WEEK to enter!  Hurry, before…

The impatient and cockblocked Troll has had about all he can stand of the umbreon’s unwanted intrusion… and hefts up the pontificating Pokemon mid-speech and hurls him into the landfill…

TROLL: I should get some kind of SCT medal for this!

RAINY: I want to go home……. NOW!!!

And, back to the Troll’s abode the two blindly paired companions went…

RAINY: I don’t get asked on many dates for some mysterious reason… but I think I can positively say this was the absolute WORST time I’ve ever had in my life!

TROLL: So… when can we do this again?

RAINY: Goodbye!!!

TROLL: No, wait!!!  I haven’t even had a chance to use my one dollar bathroom rubber yet! I…

A droplet from above hits Troll in his ugly nose…

TROLL: (Looking up) Aw, dammit!  I need to get that leaky roof fixed!  I guess it must be……

❤ ❤ ❤ RAINING!!!!!!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Rainy rushes to the window to look out at the glorious…. well, to pluviophiles like her… precipitation falling outside.  Troll may be a bit slow on the uptake, but quickly takes advantage of the situation and scooches up close to the lovestruck skunk.

RAINY: I could watch this all night long!

TROLL: Awwww, no need for that, honey.  Four hours is all I need!  Hey, what’s that…….. smell…..???

TROLL: Holy shit!  What are you doing!?!?

RAINY: I can’t help it!!!!  I’ve never been this excited before!!!  I’m losing all control of myself!!!  Make love to me, Troll!!!!!

The Troll would have certainly jumped all over that had he not already passed out from the extreme release of Rainy’s noxious fumes.

Meanwhile… up on the roof above these two starstruck lovers…

MITZI: Wheeeeeeee!!!!  This is totally like a wet T-shirt contest without the T-shirt!

BUB: (Continually dousing the bimbocorn with water from a squirt bottle) Thanks for playing along with my wet and shiny fetish, Mitzi!  Not a lot of blind dates would do that!  Troll was a genius for suggesting I try this out again!  I was so lucky to get paired up with you!

MITZI: Blub blub!  Getting wet, like, gets Mitzi all wet!  Make it fake rain!!!!

BUB: Ahhhhh, who doesn’t love the smell of a wet unicorn?  It almost makes me feel like I have a weewee again!

MITZI: I hope you packed your raincoat, cutie!!!

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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26 Responses to A Date With Density

  1. yes… ther is a huge difference between profile photo & reality … he forgot the Ican’tbelieveit’snotbutter box… ;O)))

  2. I’ve had dates much like that. At least it wasn’t Mystery Science Theater 3000. Happy weekend.

  3. The Cutter says:

    Wait, why aren’t Tootsie Rolls chocolates?

  4. reocochran says:

    This was wet, wild and wacky, ES!! I cannot help but laugh and wish I came to the library more so I could actually see my Reader! Thanks for the fun post! 😀

  5. You know, in the right part of the world, a live dog would be delicious. Wrapped in salmon skin. Sushi rice. A bit of ground hot green stuff. That he’s still moving would not bother anyone … well not no one, but not too many people.

    • It’ll stop moving eventually… just like those worms or bugs or whatever nasty things they make people eat on those Fear Factor type shows. I love my cow and pig and chicken meat… but please make sure it is dead first!

  6. Trisha says:

    Suddenly, I’m not very hungry for Chinese food….

    I am relieved that Rainy didn’t stoop low enough to end the night with Troll though. She knows where that thing has been, along with every other phallic thing on the Shelf. Even her precious rain gage!

    Hung Lo…(insert Beavis and Butthead style laughing here)

  7. Ladybuggz says:

    That must be the worst Chinese food restaurant in the world! Crazy date that’s for sure! 🙂

  8. This kind of wacky date could ONLY happen on “The Shelf” !! Thanks for the reminder about the contest…..I’ve been thinking about it but not doing anything about it. Gotta get to work!


  9. draliman says:

    When they went to the Chinese restaurant I was just thinking that I hoped they didn’t get served up Fleabag…

  10. Well, Fleabag still hasn’t actually been sold to the restaurant, and Buster didn’t actually die in this episode!

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