FUZZYWIG: Good morning, all of you beautiful people out there who couldn’t find anything better to do today. We’re canceling this week’s edition of Shelf Critter Theatre, not because the script doesn’t make any sense….. AGAIN. But to bring you this special presentation of….
MITZI: Oooooooooooooh! That was, like, perty!
FUZZYWIG: Well… now that we’re all official, I guess, we’re about to announce the finalists in Evil Squirrel’s Nest’s Fifth Annual Contest of Whatever.
SNUGGLE: Yeah, and the three of us here are going to mock and trash the hell out of them!
FUZZYWIG: We’re here to critique and politely applaud, Snuggle. Not…
SNUGGLE: Oh, fuck you Fuzzy. This is gonna be fun!
FUZZYWIG: So anyway… this year’s contest asked readers out there to create something based on these three randomly selected images….
SNUGGLE: Bullshit! Those weren’t the images!
MITZI: Buster makes such a totally KYOOOOOOOT Yoshi!!!
FUZZYWIG: Apparently our Troll in the production booth needs his balls ripped off again…
TROLL: (Echoing out of the back hallways behind the studio) NO!!!! I got this! Gimme a sec….
FUZZYWIG: That’s the ticket. (Takes a long inhale then passes to the bear on his right) Now… there were eight official entries in this year’s Contest of Whatever, and we are presenting them in this post in a randomly drawn order. Sit back, relax, and click on the links to enjoy these wonderfully twisted creations….
Entry #1: “Rub A Dub Dub, Trouble Starts In The Tub” – by Trisha
Mario is held captive in the dungeon of his twin brother Luigi, who has stolen his identity and holds a rather interesting and rather embarrassing secret of Mario’s over his head. How did three ill fated baths helps set up this crazy scenario?
MITZI: Oooooooh! Mitzi likes a story with so many totally sex-ay scenes in the tubby! I’m giving this one, like, 69 stars!
SNUGGLE: Dude! Two chicks in the shower is the pinnacle of American male entertainment. But two sausages in the tub? Hated it!
FUZZYWIG: It’s good to see Luigi finally getting the upper hand on that annoying brother of his. Could have done without the knowledge that Mario can’t perform without his little blue magic mushrooms, but…. it was a’ight.
Entry #2: “Coffee And Swine” – by Juliette
Val the vampire thinks he’s getting up close and personal with a hot werewolfess, only to get a squeal of a surprise as to her dark secret during a romantic moment in the bathtub. Can love really exist between the boundaries of species?
MITZI: Oh, I totally know a good plastic surgeon who could get rid of all those stretch marks! But honey, you gotta totally shiftshape yourself into a perty bimbocorn if you wanna keep the studly manly men from running out on you like that! Take it from an expert!
SNUGGLE: Dude! What’s with all this shapeshifting garbage? It’s not funny when the Umbreon does it, and it’s definitely not funny when the chick I’m trying to bang in the tub suddenly turns into Arnold Ziffel! Not that that’s ever happened to me before… though I swear I had some girls turn into dogs while I was sobering up…. er, sleeping!
FUZZYWIG: These are the kind of stories I think I’d write when I’m high. Which would mean….. these are the only kind of stories I’d write.
Entry #3: “Mario, Luigi and the Pig in the Bathtub” – by Faith Hope Chocolate
Mario and Luigi have a lot of ‘splaining to do to Yoshi when their shenanigans related to the Contest threaten to ruin the parental rating of their video games. Will they bring out the never before seen dark side of gaming’s most beloved dinosaur?
MITZI: PG-13? Like, who strives for that? I’d totally let my baby Mitzis watch a man and a piggy play in the bathtub! It’s more entertaining and family friendly than, like, The Teletubbies…
SNUGGLE: If I somehow make it through the unending visuals of a man and a pig in a bathtub for eight fucking entries without permanently killing off my libido, I’ll never believe it….
FUZZYWIG: Hey, Yoshi. Got a light?
Entry #4: “A Picture Without A Man And Pig In A Bathtub” – by ghostmmnc
A Shelf Critter Theatre-like photo that manages to satisfy the contest requirement and bring in something from all three images! This was the only entry this year that was not in story form. “Wait…was there supposed to be a story?!” Nope, not needed…
MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!! That is so KYOOOOOOOOOT!!!!! I just want to give them all kissies and smoochies!!!!
SNUGGLE: I’ll take “Completely Unnecessary Squirrels Added To Kiss A Little Ass” for $1,000, Alex! Oh look, it’s the Video Daily Double!
FUZZYWIG: I like it when someone can make something big out of very little. Like how my dog Fleabag can somehow fertilize the entire backyard out of the scraps I feed him. I find this inspiring…
Entry #5: “Tolerance Wood” – by Draliman
A man and a pig in love seek refuge in a magical place called Tolerance Wood to escape the persecution their forbidden relationship earns them in the real world. This is certainly a tale that ends happily ever after, right? Oh wait, look who wrote it….
MITZI: Oh noes! Mitzi, like, totally believes in loving everyone and everything! Mitzi herself has had relationships with guys, girls, boths, imaginary friends, pets, a few zoo aminals, and more inadamant objects than I can count! All luv is good luv!!!
SNUGGLE: Dude! What adoption agency gave a man and a boar a little girl? No wonder they got strung up… they’re kidnappers! Oh, and since that girl’s “parents” are now dead, maybe, you know….. Uncle Snuggie’s looking to adopt!!! And I have candy!!!
FUZZYWIG: Let ye who is without judgment cast the first DJM Tweet. Man, this was deep. And the Photoshop in this one was psychedelic…. or maybe shitty, I can’t really tell.
Entry #6: “Of Peaches And Pigs” – by Mandy White
The real world and the Mario universe are woven together in a most unusual way as Georgia “Peach” runs away from home to be with her lover Louie, who is having an affair with the very masculine looking Mary. Will Peach get over the sting of her boyfriend’s betrayal and find someone better like her mother wishes?
MITZI: This was, like, one of those stories they show in the afternoons on TV! Mitzi needs a hanky! I, like, totally got moist when Peach lost that race…
SNUGGLE: So the dude and the pig in the tub aren’t bad enough…. now I have to think of a woman with a mustache and plumber’s crack!?!? It’s gonna take every Hustler under my mattress to get my equipment working again…
FUZZYWIG: Buster told me once what it’s like to get crushed underneath a Buick. The shitty plastic they make cars out of these days wouldn’t crush a pissant…
Entry #7: “COW Challenge? Like… Moo?” – by Suze
A limerick and an unfinished short story all in one… and BOTH satisfy the contest requirements! Certainly one of the more unusual CoW submissions I’ve ever received…
MITZI: James! Mitzi has never whined when someone decides to join her in the tubby! Be happy! Even if it is an uncivilized hooman! Like, YOLO!
SNUGGLE: Dude! That’s not how a limerick is supposed to go! This was the only part of poetry class I was ever good at. Check this out! There once was a girl from Nantucket. Who…
FUZZYWIG: This is a work of genius. A valid entry that also perfectly sums up just how fucked up the whole notion of this contest is to begin with. I give it a 4.20…
Entry #8: “Sometimes Fantasy Isn’t Such A Good Thing” – by Pam Kimmell
The Mario People is a lame copycat group of The Village People, and when the disco fad crashes down to earth, the “green guy” in the group is forced to face mundane life outside of the spotlight once again. Can she recapture some of that lost mojo by spending a weekend at Fantasyland?
MITZI: Ohhhhhh, I’ll bet there were a lot of peoples there trying to be like Mitzi! Everyone wants to be like me! I am so much fun, I’m my own fantasy! I would, like, totally do myself!
SNUGGLE: Dude, that ain’t Fantasyland! I’ve been to Fantasyland! Go there every Friday night with a fistful of singles! And if you’re looking for Tattoo, you’ll find him down there too showering the stage with all that jack he made on TV. The Rain, Boss! The Rain!
FUZZYWIG: The Mario People, huh? What was their signature song…. doing stupid hand gestures to the Konami Code? Man, the only good thing about the 70’s was the drugs… and Farrah Fawcett.
FUZZYWIG: Well, there you have it! The eight readers who were brave enough to sort through this disaster of a contest idea to actually submit something!
SNUGGLE: All this for a squashed Buster coffee mug!
FUZZYWIG: The two winners will be announced on Sunday. One will be picked by Evil Squirrel without any of our valuable input you read today. The other will be drawn from a deck of cards randomly by Mitzi over there…
MITZI: Oooooooh, I’m so excited!!! I want to pick everyone’s card!
SNUGGLE: I’d love to have you come backstage and shuffle my straight flush right now, darling, but all those damn man and pig visuals…..
I’M NEVER GOING TO HAVE WOOD AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tune in Sunday to see who takes home the hardware in the Fifth Annual Contest of Whatever!