Epic Winning

I wasn’t eligible to win…. but you all were!

After four weeks of possum in the headlights looks, and one week of hurried creation that would make the Saturday Night Live writers proud… the Fifth Annual Contest of Whatever has finally come to a conclusion.  Friday we presented the eight official submissions my readers made for the contest, and this morning I will make two of you jump for joy in your jammies while making the other six of you want to go outside and kick a squirrel.  Yes, I am about to announce this year’s winners!

You can literally cut the tension with a knife…

I think this wound up being my most challenging CoW to date, and that’s largely because of the bizarre trio of images that wound up being randomly selected for what I thought would be a somewhat simple three-pronged batch of visual inspiration.  It pretty much called for something silly and way outside the box of traditional thinking by default… but those of you who accepted the challenge managed to come through again!  I was very happy with the results my readers were able to spit out with the unorthodox prompts, and you should be proud of yourselves for possessing an imagination that could even come up with such wacky genius!

Now who’s going to clean up this mess that oozed out of my mind?

OK, enough patting ourselves on the back for looking like fools on the internet!  Let’s cut right to the chase and make the big announcements!  Once again, the choice wasn’t easy… but it has been made, and barring future time travel capabilities, we will all have to live with the consequences.  The overall winner of the 2018 Contest of Whatever is……………..

drum roll

Drum roll please, Hottie…


Hip hip hooray!

As with Juliette last year, Trisha’s persistence has finally paid off… and after two more than worthy entries in the previous two games, her submission this year stood above all the others in my mind!  The story is completely fucked up, but all ties beautifully together… and I love that Luigi comes out on top over the overhyped Mario!  There are so many crazy points to this story that I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at numerous times while reading it despite the fact that my congestion turned laughs into coughing fits.  Congrats, Trisha, and enjoy your first CoW crown!


OK, don’t fire off that nasty email telling me off just yet…. because there is still one more player to get their just desserts reward!  There’s a random winner still to find… and being about as unpredictable as a Big Ben, we’re going to find that lucky second chance winner the same way as always!

  1. Trisha
  2. Juliette
  3. Faith Hope Chocolate
  4. ghostmmnc
  5. Draliman
  6. Mandy White
  7. Suze
  8. Pam

Above you see the order each entry appeared in during Friday’s post.  Those will be your lucky numbers to root for as Mitzi chooses the random winner!

Oh, I see Mitzi has recruited her new daughters to help out with the drawing.  I guess that’s OK, as long as they don’t get any jelly stains all over the cards.  As you can see, I have the cards through the number eight laid out in front of our helpers, with the ace removed for Trisha.  Now, I’m going to shuffle the cards until I can’t possibly have any idea where any card is located and place the deck back down on the table…

ZEEBA: YAY! Cardback rides!!!!

BEARCAT: Silly Zeeba!  We can’t turn over the top card if you’re standing on top of it!

ZEEBA: Maybe I don’t wanna turn it over!

BEARCAT: But you must!  Or someone out there is going to get ripped off!

ZEEBA: They’re gonna get ripped off anyway!  Have you seen the shit in ES’s shop?

MITZI: Oh noes!  Where’s Mommy’s bottle of body wash to put in my baby grrl’s dirty little mouth?

ZEEBA: Oops! (Hops off the cards)  OK, let’s turn it over together, Sis!

And the second chance winner is……………….

Wow, I don’t know if any of them can count that high…. including Mitzi.

Congrats to Pam, who also had a great story for the contest even if she herself didn’t believe it was very good!  From the Green Guy in The Mario People to Mr. T and his prized piggy living out their fantasy… it was a nonstop ride of unbelievable lunacy!  And The Nest wouldn’t want it any other way…

Now Mr. T, on the other hand, might think differently…

So Trisha and Pam may waltz on over to my Cafepress shop and dig though the archaic and irrelevant relics to find something valued at $20USD or less that they would like sent to them on The Nest’s tab.  You may request something that already exists there, or if there is something on my blog (that is not copyrighted to someone else) that you’d like me to put on a $20 or less product for you, just let me know and that can also be arranged.  Just shoot me an email with your requests and an address to send your prize to.  Happy hunting, and congrats!

Skirting the lines of copyright infringement….

And of course there are the traditional CoW badges that most of you won’t be brave enough to show off on your blogs!  For the winners…

And for those of you like participation trophies…

A big round of applause to everyone who was able to step up and turn what at first seemed like a non-event into a legitimately crazy Contest of Whatever!  Even if you will be going home with only a crappy badge, you are all winners in my book for being good sports and for entertaining my annual crazy notion by using the dark side of your noggins!  And with two brand new winners once again, those of you who are still prizeless can have high hopes for next year!  Thanks to everyone who made this year’s event a success, and we’ll do this again next February!  Lord only knows what I may come up with in 2019….

How about inventing something too fucked up to be real?

About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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26 Responses to Epic Winning

  1. I was rooting for Draliman, but he’s a previous winner so I guess he doesn’t yet become your second double award winner. Sometimes, I’ll think of something.

  2. Congratulations Trisha. Good job.

  3. fanrosa says:

    I need to go read the entries, but I’m tickled that someone else picked up on that guy being Mr. T. Yes, i actually thought up a story for this during a few nights of my nightly routine of trying to distract my brain so I can sleep. I didn’t enter it because you know how much I hate people spending money on me, but it involved a princess named Peach and trusty knight Sir T telling her godfathers (Mario and Luigi! Godfathers! Get it??) how he pitied the fools that interrupted his back scrub…..

    Yeah, it probably would have been too weird even for you……ha!

  4. Oh wow………what a surprise! First of all Trisha and everyone else – you all did a FAB job with the challenge. It was a beauty wasn’t it? Secondly – I’m happy my “number was up” (not literally of course I have a lot more living to do) but am pleased and honored to accept this award from the academy of insanity! Thanks Bill – I can’t wait to go shopping………….


  5. draliman says:

    Well done to Trisha 🙂 And hooray, I’ve always wanted to proudly display a bestiality badge on my blog!
    Next year will be my year. I’m going to hone my Photoshop skills, you won’t even be able to see the joins.

  6. Suze says:

    Oh good on Trisha! and yea Pam! both stories to wierd and wonderful to ignore…next year it’s my turn…I shall definitely add sex.:)

  7. ghostmmnc says:

    Congratulations to Trisha and Pam! I truly enjoyed reading y’all’s entries for the COW! Thanks ES for this most interesting contest, and even though I didn’t win (this time), I sure had fun participating! You know I’m going to grab that badge. 🙂

  8. Pingback: COW Update | teleportingweena

  9. Trisha says:

    OMG, I won? I never win anything! Thank you so much! This is such a surprise because I really was feeling like a possum in the headlights about this challenge up until a week ago. This was a tough one! I am so impressed with everyone’s creativity and I really enjoyed reading everyone’s entries. Thank you, Bill, for hosting this contest. It’s been a lot of fun!

    • Yes! You really did win… and I think this was the first time my early favorite managed to survive the usual last minute amazing entry! You have obviously been reading too much Shelf Critter Theatre and know my sense of humor well, because I really did laugh my ass off at your story! And, you get the honor of being the defending champion next year and have everyone else gunning to outdo you!

      • Trisha says:

        I’m happy I was able to make you laugh! I think maybe I have been reading too much Shelf Critter Theater because I was surprised by the warped ideas that popped into my mind while writing this story. I wish all writing could be that fun! 😀 I hope you are feeling better. I had that cough/cold stuff for two weeks and it sucked.

  10. I’m just glad I managed to enter this time round. Having a second blog is quite useful sometimes…

    • The different site did throw me for a minute, but I figured out who it had to be just from the title. I’m glad nobody official saw what Yoshi did to those poor brothers…

  11. Ladybuggz says:

    Congrat Trisha and Pam! Your way more warped then I am! 🙂

  12. Woo-hoo. Congrats to the winners! I got tickled at how clever all the participants were. Well done, everyone.

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