Viewer Mail

CHIP: Hello everyone out there in Blogville.  Since ES can’t come up with anymore good Shelf Critter Theatre stories…

FUZZYWIG: Not that he ever came up with any good ones in the past…

CHIP: …We decided to spend this Friday addressing some of the fake letters that fake fans of our show have fake sent us.

FUZZYWIG: I don’t know if these letters are fake, Chip.  The envelope glue smells awfully real…

FUZZYWIG: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

CHIP: Are you seriously trying to get high huffing envelope glue!?!?

FUZZYWIG: Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, dude!

CHIP: That will be never, buddy.  Will you please hand me the first reader letter….

Fuzzywig opens the first letter up with his razor sharp teeth and hands the fake contents to his partner…

Dear Shelf Critter Theatre,

I was a huge fan of Rainbow Donkey in the Evil Squirrel’s Nest comic strip.  How come he hardly ever appears in an SCT episode?  He would give the Theatre some much needed class.

Podge in Colorado

CHIP: Hey, I’m with you, Podge.  I miss the big lug, and like me, he needs to be a bigger part of our production!  So without further ado, let’s bring out the one and only Evil Squirrel’s Nest legend…. Rainbow Donkey!

FUZZYWIG: Wow, Rainbow sure has lost some weight since I saw him last…

CHIP: Hey!  Where’s the Big Guy?

SPONKIE 1: Pa’s a little tied up at home now…

SPONKIE 2: Yeah, literally.  He got in the doghouse with Mommy again, so I’m afraid he’ll be a no show.

CHIP: What are you talking about?

SPONKIE 1: Perhaps this picture will explain his situation…

FUZZYWIG: Isn’t that just a little harsh?

SPONKIE 2: You don’t wanna cross our Mom when she finds out you’ve been giving out free riding lessons…

SPARKLEPONY: Speaking of….

BOTH SPONKIES: Uhhhhh….. hi Ma!

SPARKLEPONY: Which one of you let your father out of my dungeon!?!?  I want straight answers NOW!

SPONKIE 1: We didn’t let him out, Ma!  Honest!

SPONKIE 2: You know Daddy’s a full blooded unicorn and has magical powers!

SPARKLEPONY: I don’t want to hear anything about any magical powers!  You two come home with me right now… and you won’t be leaving your rooms until it’s time for school Monday morning!

Sparklepony grabs each of her children by the ear and drags them home…

CHIP: Well… that sure seems like an interesting family.

FUZZYWIG: It was so much easier back in my day when Pops just used the belt on me.

CHIP: And a fat lot of good that did.  Time to chuck this letter away…

FUZZYWIG: Are you going to throw it through the window like David Letterman?

CHIP: Are you crazy?  We’ll get donated to Goodwill if we damage ES’s set!  Besides, there’s a better and more earth friendly way to get rid of these stupid fake letters…

Chip whistles…

CHIP: (Holding the letter above Fleabag’s nose) Come on boy…. beg!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! AIN’T TOO PROUD TO BEG! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: You’re going to clog up his insides and make him worth less when I sell him to the Chinese buffet!

Fleabag grabs the letter and proceeds to rip it into shredded wheat…

FUZZYWIG: I wonder if he’ll shred my junk mail for me now…

CHIP: Speaking of mail, let’s have the next envelope, Fuzzy!

Dear Shelf Critter Theatre,

Like all other six people who follow this series, I eagerly awaited the episode where the father of Mitzi’s hatchlings would be revealed.  But there hasn’t been a single word about their sperm donors since then.  What’s up with that, and are they being properly supported by their other parent?

Maury in Connecticut

CHIP: Well, I don’t think there’s ever been any conclusive DNA tests to determine the paternity victim…

FUZZYWIG: And thank Dog for that!

CHIP: But as for child support… well I assume they’re being taken care of…

BEARCAT: We totally are!

ZEEBA: Yeah, Mommy makes bunches and bunches of money from doing poleback rides down at the titty bar!

BEARCAT: More than enough to buy us essentials like diapers, cute onesies, and the latest smartphones!

CHIP: But don’t Ultraviolet and Snuggle Bear provide anything for you since they were alleged to be the fathers?

SNUGGLE: Forget it, dude!  It ain’t legal without a blood test!

UV: I agree with the bear.  They’re no child of mine without a court order.

CHIP: That’s an awful attitude to have!

UV: That’s a financially smart attitude to have.

SNUGGLE: And lighten up, dudes!  I still provide the kiddies a different kind of support…

BEARCAT: Just for us!?!?

SNUGGLE: Sure, kids!  Have all of Uncle Snuggie’s candy you want!

ZEEBA: YAY!  Candyback rides!  You’re the best, Unca Snuggie!

SNUGGLE: Of course I am!  Now, just follow me over to this secluded part of the park, and I promise you’ll both get more than candyback rides!

CHIP: Shouldn’t we call the police?

FUZZYWIG: Nah, let the kids learn from their mistakes.

UV: I see nothing!  Nothing!

CHIP: Alllllllrighty then…

CHIP: The next envelope, please…

Dear Shelf Critter Theatre,

What’s up with that WARNING sign that hangs over the stage?  Is there some kind of unseen danger you should beware of?

C. Everett in Washington DC

FUZZYWIG: What is he talking about?

CHIP: I don’t know…..

Both critters turn around…

FUZZYWIG: Well, whaddaya know?

CHIP: Funny, I never noticed that before.  But I don’t think there’s anything harmful going on…

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, it was probably put there by some overprotective lawyer or maybe a troll.

CHIP: True.  I’m not going to worry about it.  Next letter, please!

Dear Shelf Critter Theatre:

Is that really MARIHUANA in Fuzzywig’s Good Stuff pouch, mon?

Bob in Jamaica

CHIP: Of course it’s not!  You’ll find a lot of weird things around the Shelf, but even we don’t have any actual MARIHUANA to use as a prop!  No, let me show you a behind the scenes secret (Flips the package over)…

CHIP: See!  100% organic catnip!  This stuff will get your pussies high, but it has no effect on us critters since it’s not the real thing.  Here, let me demonstrate…

Chip loads up Fuzzywig’s pipe with the catnip and takes a big inhale…

CHIP: See what I mean!  Totally harmless and completely……. legal……… to…….. posssssssss….

CHIP: Dude!  I……. feel….. like….. totally stoned.  How is this possible…… man?

FUZZYWIG: That’s what you get for making ASSumptions about what I keep in my bag of Good Stuff.  Maybe next time you’ll ask before you smoke…

CHIP: Man, I could really go for a huge bowl of chileh now.

FUZZYWIG: Since you’re out there on Cloud 420 right now, I’ll move this along and read the next letter…

Dear Shelf Critter Theatre,

Any chance I could get Mitzi’s phone number?

Harvey in California

CHIP: Absolutely not!

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, we do have privacy policies regarding our employees here on the Shelf, and will not give a fellow co-worker’s information.

CHIP: Mitzi may be a real floozy, but I’m sure she wouldn’t want something as personal as her telephone number broadcast all over the world.

FUZZYWIG: Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself for even asking!

CHIP: A busy celebrity like Mitzi doesn’t want to be bothered by horny fanboys who just assume she’s easy and greasy.

FUZZYWIG: Exactly.  Mitzi’s not like that at all off camera.  She actually has the morality of a nun…

CHIP: Fuzzy, do you hear something?  Like….. moaning?

FUZZYWIG: It must just be the “catnip” still messing with your mind, man!

CHIP: I guess you’re right…

RAINY: Get a room you two!!!

CHIP: That’s some pretty trippy stuff you have, Fuzzy.  I’m having all kinds of hallucinations right now.

FUZZYWIG: You’ll get used to it after the fifth straight week of flashbacks…

CHIP: I guess we should read the final letter now…

Dear Shelf Critter Theatre,

So first there was regular Scrat, and now there’s Big Scrat.  Is that just Scrat on steroids or what’s the deal?

Ahnold in Caleefornia

FUZZYWIG: So, what’s the story, Jack?

SCRAT: Oh, we’re brothers!  I’m the little brother, and he’s the big brother.

FUZZYWIG: No shit?

CHIP: Where is your big bro?

SCRAT: He was walking with me on the way to the studio, but I lost him somewhere along the way…

BIG SCRAT: Sorry, little guy.  I had some business to take care of….

BIG SCRAT: I was walking by the park and noticed this prevert giving lollipops to little girls, and figured he needed a little more prison justice to set him on the straight and narrow path.  Which speaking of straight and narrow paths…..

Big Scrat drags the struggling Snuggle Bear offscreen and takes him on a trip down the Hershey Highway….

SCRAT: Oh dear.  My brother can get a bit carried away…

FUZZYWIG: Nah, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer bear.

CHIP: Fuzzy?  Can I get another hit off that pipe so I can unsee this hideous sight?

CHIP: Aaaaaaaand so…. that does it for this week’s look into the Shelf’s mailbox.  If you have any questions you’d like to have answered about the fucked up world of SCT, just drop us a line in your nearest mailbox.

FUZZYWIG: Preferably the box that says “Pitch In.”

CHIP: Good night everyone, and I sincerely hope the content of this episode doesn’t give any of you nightmares….

RAINY: Get a room you two!!!!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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19 Responses to Viewer Mail

  1. Trisha says:

    😂 The shelf critters never fail to entertain! It was good to see Rainbow Donkey again. I’m not usually a big supporter of adultery, but I’m glad he got to have some fun with Mitzi after enduring the wrath of Sparklepony.

    • I think my best stories are the ones that don’t have a plot! And it’s weird how I can tie together the random ideas I have into something that kinda makes sense. This was one of my favorite ones to make… the whole Mitzi scene had me giggling while I was staging and writing it!

      • Trisha says:

        The Mitzi scene made me giggle too, especially since it was taking place behind Chip’s serious, no-nonsense face. So funny!

  2. Always entertaining. The whole lot of you are characters! 😁

  3. The Not Fake DC says:

    Ooooooooh. I get it now.

  4. Merbear74 says:

    Ain’t nothin’ better than MARIHUANA and titty bars…

  5. noelleg44 says:

    Entertaining – and who says you are out of story lines????

  6. It just occurred to me that blood tests are difficult on animals whose blood is really stuffing. The problem is, you need a STUFFING test! That would prove … something … right?

  7. draliman says:

    It looks to me like SCT is even more screwy behind the scenes than in front! Ah, the lives of celebrity critters…

  8. ES, do you ever wonder about maybe getting out of the house and meeting up with people and going to a bar for a drink*? 😉

    * doesn’t have to be alcoholic

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