The Red Menace

Ooooh, Red! What a big booty you have!

Wednesday isn’t just a member of The Addams Family, it’s also the day The Nest frightens your eardrums with another horrific song that needs a gigantic wooden stake driven through its vinyl heart.  It’s time for the next ooky entry in our Top 30 Iconic Songs I Can’t Stand countdown!  We’re in the home stretch now… the Top 5!  These last few songs are so bad, DJ Scratchy’s had to don the toxic waste suit just to retrieve them from the archive.  Here’s one that Uncle Fester needs to blow up in the basement…

#5. “Lady in Red” – Chris De Burgh

If you didn’t see this song coming somewhere very high up in this countdown, you must have missed my DVA tribute to De Burgh’s other hit that is actually a song worth listening to.  I spent more of that post trashing this absolute abomination of a schmaltzy wussified love song than I did praising the actual rocker “Don’t Pay The Ferry Man.”  Rather than reuse all those vulgar adjectives and exceed my allotment of cussing for the week before I even get to Shelf Critter Theatre, I’ll just post the video for the damned song.  And if you can listen to the whole thing without smashing the pause button…. well, even Chuck Norris would fucking salute your ears of steel!

The internet’s official reference for the lazy, Wikipedia, prides itself on its independence and neutrality.  But apparently, all bets are off when it comes to pathetic pieces of shitty schlock like “Lady in Red.”  After mentioning that this song somehow made it to #3 in the US in what would have to be one of our unfinest hours… the rest of the article under the heading “Critical Reception and Impact” counts all the ways in which this song sucks enormous ass…

Wikipedia says….

The song tends to divide public opinion and it was voted the tenth most annoying song of all time in a poll commissioned by Dotmusic in 2000. It was one of only two singles in the top ten which were not novelty songs.[4] It was also voted the third worst song of the 1980s by readers of Rolling Stone.[5] It was chosen as the sixth worst love song of all time by Gigwise, who said “it is destined to grate on you at weddings forever more”.[6] In a 2001 poll of more than 50,000 Channel 4 viewers and readers of The Observer, the song was voted the fourth most hated UK number-one single.[7]

Neil Norman of The Independent argued in 2006: “Only James Blunt has managed to come up with a song more irritating than Chris de Burgh’s ‘Lady in Red’. The 1986 mawkfest – according to De Burgh – has reduced many famous people to tears including Diana, Princess of Wales, Fergie and Mel Smith. The less emotionally impressionable, meanwhile, adopt Oscar Wilde’s view on the death of Little Nell – that it would take a heart of stone to listen to ‘Lady in Red’ and not laugh.”[8]

So I’m guessing they liked it, right?

No!!!  God damn fucking no, Chris!!!  Stick to fucking rocking, and never EVER write another love song again!!!  Or maybe just sing about ladies taking off their red clothes….

I know someone will be happy to see I included that.  And I’ll be back next Monday with another song (or four!) that you’ll be unhappy with…

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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30 Responses to The Red Menace

  1. Interesting even Wikipedia wasn’t impressed with this irritating song – perhaps de Burgh should have combined “Lady In Red” with “Patricia The Stripper” and done a song called “Lady In Bed”…………it couldn’t have been any worse right?

    Pam

  2. fanrosa says:

    Ha! I spent the whole post just waiting to be finished so I could interject my opinion on de Burgh’s BESTEST song ever…..and then you go and steal my thunder.

    Sincerely, Somebody

    • And despite you first telling me about that song, what, about six or seven years ago… today was the first time I actually bothered to listen to it. So now I know three Chris De Burgh songs, and they are all so far apart from each other on the musical spectrum they form a big ass triangle…

  3. Thom says:

    With you all the way on this, pal. “Ferryman” is a decent tune, and I love his “sorta Christmas song” called “A Spaceman Came Travelling”. This one, though…ugh. My distaste for this grew with every airing on a “soft rock” station, especially when accompanied by some cornball dedication (some of which came while I was at the controls of said station (“Here’s one going out to Shirley from your husband Larry, who says that, even after all the ups and downs, you’ll always be his ‘Lady In Red’. Now, if you’ll excuse me, while this song is playing, I’m going to step aside for a minute and dedicate my lunch to the nearest receptacle”). A much better chhesy love song by this dude was the obscure “Something Else Again”, which I’m pretty confident you would also hate, but I think the melody is much nicer and the orchestral/background vocals arrangement was much more elaborate and interesting.

  4. WTF was that Stripper Lyric thing? OMG that was EVERYTHING that is wrong with, well, jeez, I don’t have words for it. My ears are starting to bleed.

    But back to Lady in Red. I will have to agree with you that it is a schmaltzy wussified love song. Ugh.

    • The stripper song was recommended to me by someone who likes it… and it seems to be a novelty song among novelty songs. It’s better than Lady in Red, but that isn’t saying much…

  5. franhunne4u says:

    At the time it came out I quite liked it, but it is sooo overplayed meanwhile that not even I can defend it.

  6. ody N biskit….we total lee agreez N we iz hopin ANY THING popz in two R mindz eye N bee comez an ear werm bee for thiz song doez ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ even BURD SONG ~~~~~~~~~

    🙂 ♥♥

  7. Ally Bean says:

    I remember this song from Working Girl. I liked that movie, but maybe not this song. Oh well, so be it.

  8. I’m beginning to feel grateful for having missed a whole decade of American music … although I have to say that European and Middle Eastern wasn’t all that terrific either. I don’t even know what I would CALL that music. Sort of poppy rocky? More poppy, less rocky? If from the middle east, always in a minor key, but more anti-melodic and frequently missing rhythm entirely from Europe? I didn’t listen to the music any more than the radio required. Apparently I didn’t miss much. Now, I don’t listen to the radio at all and I miss everything.

  9. ghostmmnc says:

    Yeah, I never have heard either one of these. I could only get through a few seconds of each, then had to stop. I didn’t like them.

  10. Merbear74 says:

    I used to love this song when I was 14, but now I think it’s a bloody fucking awful.

  11. Trisha says:

    Well, dammit. Your previous post and comments on Chris Deburgh mean that my prediction that this song would be in the countdown of crap doesn’t really count for much. And another song that I accurately predicted – Freebird – I never mentioned to you and I actually forgot that I predicted it until a couple of weeks ago when I found a piece of paper that had a few songs from Rolling Stone’s top iconic songs that I thought you might hate scribbled on it. So, that leaves Free Fallin’, which I only thought of because Tom Petty was mentioned when he passed away. I suck at this prediction thing!

    • You’re the only one who has been right about two songs that have appeared so far (This one and Free Fallin) in previous comments, and that’s not easy since my tastes are so weird. And there are a lot of songs that are awful and that I hate that I didn’t include since they’re not iconic or overplayed. This one fits on both counts, and makes me glad I’m not a wedding DJ who would have to listen to this crap even more than those of us who just have to hear it on the stupid radio…

  12. You know me…my theme song could be Love Stinks, but this song is “our song” (Hubby & me). Probably because we were at a wedding, and I was debating about breaking up with him … I was wearing a red dress and we danced, and he sang in my ear and I felt beautiful…blah, blah, blah…we’ve been married 22 years and that was one rare night when I felt beautiful. Schmaltzy song…schmaltzy story? Absolutely! But every girl deserves one night in her life to feel special and this song does it for me. Feel free to say “ah” before you vomit! 🙂

  13. It’s songs/vids like these that are no doubt contributing to my inability to fully recover from my weekend illness. I have to go back to bed now.

  14. draliman says:

    I must admit, not a particularly great song, even for ol’ Chris. In fact, it’s pretty bad. Fortunately the video is not available in my country.

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