FUZZYWIG: Ahhhh, a pipe full of MARIHUANA and a can full of munchies. It doesn’t get any better than this…
Fuzzy’s doorbell chimes the chorus of “Because I Got High“…
FUZZYWIG: Dammit! Why do all of the salescritters have to ring my bell at 4:20…
Fuzzywig hides his recreational evidence and trudges to the door…
FUZZYWIG: I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in any Girl Scout cookies. I’ve got plenty of much cheaper munchies…
SAGE: I’m not here to sell cookies. I’m here to complain about your dog!
FUZZYWIG: What about him?
FUZZYWIG: Oh. Bad dog! Bad!!!
SAGE: Mister, do you know it’s irresponsible for pet owners not to get their furbabies spayed or neutered?
FUZZYWIG: Funny… I’ve never equated genital mutilation with being a good thing before.
SAGE: Pets don’t have the right to breed indiscriminately like we regular critters do! Though that’s not the only reason to get your dog neutered…. for one thing, it might make him more obedient and better behaved!
FUZZYWIG: How much would I lose if I sold a nutless dog to the Chinese buffet?
SAGE: Mister, you really need to take your dog to the V-E-T!
FUZZYWIG: Dude, I’m not in a spelling bee. Why don’t you just say to take him to the v…
SAGE: Don’t EVER say that word in front of an animal! You have to trick them because they KNOW!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! OH SHIT! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
Fleabag’s canine smarts tell him he better get the hell off the shelf, but Fuzzywig is quick with the choke chain…
FUZZYWIG: You’re not going anywhere, other than to the vet. Yes, I said VET! VETVETVETVETVET!!!!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! HELP ME! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
And so the now responsible coon drags his mutt by the leash down to the local veterinarian’s office so the dog can undergo The Procedure…
RAINY: Welcome to Shelfville Veterinary Facility and Meat Packing Plant. Could I interest you in some heartworm enemas?
FUZZYWIG: I’m good, thanks. I’m more interested in your de-nutting services.
RAINY: Excellent, sir. Are you the patient?
FUZZYWIG: Very funny. My dog is the one who needs neutered.
RAINY: I can see that…
Fleabag slips away to hump another of the patients, who is trying to nurse her young pup.
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! WHAM! BAM! THANK YOU MA’AM! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
A staff member comes out from the back room and tases the horny mongrel…
TROLL: That’ll be about enough of that! No sex with the patients is allowed until after business hours! Or so I’ve been told time and time again. Come on back, the vet is ready to see you.
Troll drags Fleabag by the tail back to the examining room where the vet is finishing treatment of another patient…
SNUGGLE: There we go! That should do the trick!
BUSTER: Do you really think that injection is going to help my sore throat?
SNUGGLE: Sore throat? Dude, I thought you came in here to be put down. That was the euthanasia cocktail.
BUSTER: Oh. Well, in that case….
SNUGGLE: No more sore throats for that possum! I love making critters feel better!
RAINY: Get this syringe out of my rain gauge! This is NOT a biohazard container!
SNUGGLE: Why don’t you go back to watching your stories or filing your nails or whatever it is nurses do and let the Doc get back to fixing more patients up!
FUZZYWIG: Speaking of fixing patients up…
Troll removes the expired possum to feed to the other patients…
SNUGGLE: You must be the one who’s dog needs to get chopped! Excellent! Every good dog needs to get the jewels removed!
FUZZYWIG: So how does this neutering work?
SNUGGLE: We can do the procedure one of two ways. Either a simple snip snip…
SNUGGLE: Or, if you’re into cool shit that doesn’t require sharp objects, we can put this twist tie around his nutsack and let them fall off on their own!
Fleabag begins cowering and using all four of his paws to cover up his favorite licking toy.
SNUGGLE: Your call, dude! Which should I do? Same low price for either method.
FUZZYWIG: Doesn’t matter to me. Whichever is the least humane will be fine.
SNUGGLE: Great! I’ll get everything ready. You can just wait outside in the lobby there, while I make a brand new man out of your dog!
Fuzzy wanders back out into the waiting room, able to blissfully ignore the pathetic whines of his dog and its doomed sex life. While looking at the overpriced scientific dog food made out of tofu and mildew that is being sold, Fuzzy noticed an amenity of the vet’s office he missed the first time around…
FUZZYWIG: Therapy unicorn, huh? What kind of therapy are we talking about here?
MITZI: I, like, totally make sick critters feel so much better! I assist in their recovery and recapitulation!
FUZZYWIG: You’re making me feel a whole lot better just standing here looking at you. What are your rates?
MITZI: Well, I’m, like, partially covered by most Lunacare insurance plans. If you’re Canadian, then I’m totally free of charge, but there’d be a ten year wait before you could pet me.
FUZZYWIG: (Pulling out a wad of one dollar bills) How about I just pay out of pocket?
MITZI: (Stuffing the loot in her bra) Excellent, sir! Like, right this way!
Mitzi leads Fuzzywig to a dark room and has him lay on the examining table…
FUZZYWIG: Hey, this is pretty soft for that examining room butcher paper. So, how is this therapy going to work? You mentioned petting…
MITZI: Oh yes! There will totally be lots of petting! Like, heavy petting! Now you just wait here while your demoted therapy unicorn goes to the little fillies room and slips into something a little more comfortable!
Fuzzywig is completely relaxed on the table thinking about all of the therapy he is going to get treated to. Who needs the Good Stuff to mellow out anyway?
FUZZYWIG: Oh, shut up Narrator Dude! Let me enjoy some really bad medicine for a change…
Fuzzywig smiles and closes his eyes as he hears the door open back up. The therapy was awesome. So awesome, that Fuzzywig can’t even remember anything about it….
Two hours later….
RAINY: Well! Where have you been? It’s almost closing time!
FUZZYWIG: I was getting physical therapy, if you don’t mind. VERY physical therapy.
RAINY: I thought you were here to have your dog neutered!
FUZZYWIG: Oh yeah, I was, wasn’t I?
And right on cue…
FUZZYWIG: Well, you seem pretty chipper for a pooch that just lost the only reason to live. I guess Sage was right, getting fixed did help your behavior!
Fleabag jumps up and licks his master’s dirty face. And then does something else…
FUZZYWIG: What are you doing!?!? You’re not supposed to have those urges anymore!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! I HAZ A HAPPY! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: Get off of my leg, you nympho! What’s going on here!?!?
SNUGGLE: Dude! There you are!!!
SNUGGLE: Man, I’ve been looking all over for you!
FUZZYWIG: Maybe you should look for your Sally Struthers veterinary medicine diploma and burn it. My dog isn’t responding to the neutering!
SNUGGLE: That’s what I was trying to find you for! There was a mistake!
FUZZYWIG: I thought doctors didn’t make mistakes. Is my dog de-nutted or not?
SNUGGLE: Dude, shit happens! You see, I did the procedure. Anesthetic, snip snip, the whole nine yards. Then I come out of the examining room and…
MITZI: There you are little poochie!!!! You are, like, just the sweetest little thing!!! Best therapy session I’ve EVAH had with a client!
SNUGGLE: You see, your dog was with Mitzi… so he couldn’t have been the one who I neutered in that dark room. The stupid Troll must have mixed up the charts, and…… well…..
FUZZYWIG: (In a falsetto) What…… have….. you…… DONE!?!?!?!?
FLEABAG: (Taking a peek at his master’s crotch) BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! LOLOLOLOL!!!! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
SNUGGLE: So, since there was a slight bureaucratic error, I was thinking I’d maybe take 10% off the bill. Whaddaya say?
FUZZYWIG: I’m going to go fetch my lawyer now…. and a roll of duct tape.
Fuzzywig storms out of the vet’s office with two fewer nuticles than he had coming in, with a happy and still sexually active puppy dog following him…
SNUGGLE: This is why the health care industry is so fucked up! Nobody wants to pay their bills for services rendered!
MITZI: Speaking of, like, services tindered….
MITZI: My therapy unicorn license is about to expire, and I totally need a FULL checkup before it can be renewed. Care to help out a fellow healer of the sick?
SNUGGLE: Fuck yeah! And with all these muzzles, collars and chains around here… I’m thinking a little BDSM!
MITZI: Lulz! You don’t have to, like, spell it out to trick me. Mitzi KNOWS!