The Unfantastic Four

Seriously, Thing, do we really have to listen to your shitty playlist?

It’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for the next installment of The Nest’s Top 30 Iconic Songs I Can’t Stand countdown.  I’m keeping that part short this week, because this is going to be the longest intro one of my music posts has ever had.  Allow me to explain…

Translation: Allow me to bore you to utter tears.

Though I had a final draft of my Top 30 list when I started this project back in September, I still wound up making a few minor changes to the list after that.  For example, “Free Fallin'” at #15 was not even in my countdown when the starter’s gun sounded.  The Outfield’s “Your Love,” by contrast, went from #11 to being completely removed.  And a few minor switches were made here and there to tidy things up.  But nothing had me flipping the pencil over to use the eraser more than my #4 slot…

Thank goodness this countdown wasn’t being written on a Scan Tron.

From “final” draft to now, there have been no fewer than four different songs that I had ranked at #4.  They all have two things in common.  One, they’re very borderline “iconic,” even by the standards I’m using for this series.  And two, I can’t fucking stand listening to any of them.  In fact, I probably hate all four of these songs even more than I do many of the other songs I’ve bitched about the past six months worth of Wednesdays… but while the hate factor was off the charts, the iconic factor for them all was pretty meh…

Even better than a major award.

So, I’m going to quicky foam at the mouth about the three songs I considered at #4 before kicking out of the countdown, and then I’ll give you the official #4…

Dishonorable Mention #1: “I Will Remember You” – Sarah McLachlin

This is absolute, utter garbage that makes Chris DeBurgh’s maggot opus from last week sound like a trip to the carnival.  1999 is one of my absolute favorite years for new music, but the incessant airplay this possumshit song got along with all the good stuff that came out that year nearly made me wish Prince’s song was prophetic.  And Sarah even doubled down on the inhumanity of this wire brush earworm by making it the national anthem of animal cruelty.  Way to go Sarah, you just made a whole lot of people want to kick a puppy mill pooch…

I hope that dog bites you.

I’m not clogging up my blog with embedded videos of shitty songs, so if you want to listen to this song that needs to be put down, you’ll have to click here.

Dishonorable Mention #2: “Live Like You Were Dying” – Tim McGraw

Of all the so-called abuses we Mecca workers supposedly have to put up with, I don’t think there can be anything more cruel than being forced to listen to every shitty song Tim McGraw ever did on the company radio station.  While I don’t like country music in general, there’s enough out there I do like that you’d think a prolific singer like McGraw would have done something that’s at least OK…. but no.  It’s all awful.  And then there’s this tribute Tim wrote for his father Tug at the time he was dying of cancer.  Listening to this song will make you realize that the one blessing about having only months to live is that soon you’ll never have to worry about listening to this sappy bunch of YOLO bullshit ever again.

Congrats to the only artist who could possibly make a Nelly song sound even worse.

Dishonorable Mention #3: “100 Years” – Five For Fighting

We are all getting older and will eventually expire like Buster does on a weekly basis.  There’s no getting around that.  If you ever wanted to really ponder that reality to the point of wanting to just stick your head in an oven and get it all over with, then you should really check out this absolutely soul-sucking piece of shit this group did.  Oh wait, Five For Fighting isn’t really a group… it’s just one guy, who absolutely fucking sucks and wants imaginary bandmates around to deflect some of the well deserved hand grenades tossed his way.  This is probably my least favorite song EVER, and while it still gets some airplay, it’s far from iconic.  And that gives me just enough hope to keep from actually turning on the gas…

Five For Fighting, in all its shitty glory, ladies and gentlemen.

Now that THAT’s out of the way, if you’re still hanging in there…. here is the song I actually chose to be my #4 most hated iconic song….

#4. “I Will Wait” – Mumford and Sons

This song is just as dreadful and irritating and unlistenable as the other three songs I just barfed up.  The main difference between those songs and this one is that I still have to hear this twangy piece of hillbilly garbage far too often on my radio station and at work.  The Wiki article on this song classifies it as “folk rock” and “bluegrass music,” two genres that have absolutely no business playing on radio stations civilized humans actually choose to listen to.  And yes, Trisha, this is the song I said was coming up that has actual banjo music!

Earlier this decade, America joined the rest of the world in pissing its collective pants over this British group that was supposedly the next big thing.  Yes, it is embarrassing that we have entirely too many fans of Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, but most of them are millennials, so we can forgive their shitty musical taste.  It’s an even blacker eye on the US’s image that grown adults and so-called musical snobs embraced a folk quartet with a banjoist that sounds like it should be playing hoedowns and bingo halls.  This song, and Mumford and Sons in general, stinks worse than a highway full of squashed skunks.  What in the hell were we thinking, and why does this assworm still get played so damned often?  The name Mumford no longer sounds so amazing…

Just say “A la peanut butter sandwiches!” and make them disappear, please!

I’ll be back with just one suckass song next week.  And yes, it is VERY iconic…


About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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30 Responses to The Unfantastic Four

  1. ody N biskit…..haz knot hurd a one oh theez…..N with dadz ree veew… we guezz thatz a good thing !!!! 🙂 ♥♥

    • These songs are all less than 20 years old, which may explain why (1) Most of my readers seem to be unfamiliar with them, and (2) why it’s hard to say whether they’ll ever be considered iconic or not. They were all big when they came out, and they all suck…

      • franhunne4u says:

        Hey, I still listen to my radio and should know successful new songs at least. Like George Ezra’s songs (he is really that good) or the less perfect Ed Sheeran. But those four? Europe has been spared. Still sounds like country to me, your number four, even if they are a British band.

      • I felt a little redeemed when the Mumford and Sons article mentioned they were worldwide sensations, so they weren’t just a group some weird segment of America fell in love with, they are supposedly big everywhere. With how fragmented radio is here and elsewhere, though, it is entirely possible to be oblivious to a very popular group anymore… and I wish I was as lucky with these turds. As for Ed Sheeran… well, he’s lucky he’s too recent to draw any conclusions from, because I can think of a few of his very popular songs I’d love to throw in this countdown and hate on…

      • franhunne4u says:

        Yeah, me too. I liked his debut album, but what followed … sigh … Quite different from George Ezra. What a voice for a kid …

  2. OK – your #4 truly is a hideous piece of so-called music – I agree. FORTUNATELY I’d never heard it before or I might have slit my wrists well before now. Whoever thought that group was going to be the next big thing must have done some incredibly good drugs to have had that thought EVER.

    That is one painful earworm!

    • Apparently someone thought we were up for a folk revival, only they chose a band that could have played the soundtrack to “Deliverance” to be the chosen ones. This is why we have to listen to oldies…

  3. I don’t recognize ANY of these (except Sarah McL and I use the mute button), but since i can nod my head in agreement on most of your list to date, I’ll just nod my head and take your advice on all the rest. I didn’t listen to any of them! Keep up the good griping! Love it!

  4. Ally Bean says:

    But what do you REALLY think about these songs?

  5. OMG this post has me laughing.
    AND crying for all of those poor dogs.

    And perfect timing. My daughter’s boyfriend found a dog running around my neighborhood and brought it home. They called the number on the tag, but just our bad luck nobody answered. That happened to my neighbor ten years ago. He found a dog that was chipped and the owner didn’t want it back. Ten years later he still has that horrible shit for brains dog – but he is a good man. Can’t say otherwise.

  6. ghostmmnc says:

    What a bunch of depressing songs! The Sarah M song is a big no no never ever want to hear it again, or see those ads. TM has a few songs that are ok, but didn’t want to hear this one, and 54F , nope…don’t like to hear that falsetto from anyone. The Mumford one is sorta okay as I do like a bit of bluegrass now and again. Whew!

    • I admit to kinda liking Five For Fighting’s Superman song, but that 100 Years garbage has to be the most depressing song ever put out. It might help that I was 33 (for a moment) when it first came out…

  7. Trisha says:

    You were right – that isn’t the banjo song that gets a lot of play in my playlist. What a depressing piece of crap! I’ve never heard of Mumford and Sons. Sounds like a 70’s sitcom or a furniture store. What sort of radio station would play that blend of weirdness? You know, I’m not even sure what sort of station played my banjo-containing song – Take It Easy by the Eagles. Country? Rock? Both? I do know I find the banjo pickin’ in that song quite cheerful though!

    I’m with you on the Sarah song. Totally depressing. I don’t love the other two dishonorable mentions but I don’t hate them enough for them to make my top 10. I didn’t know Five for Fighting was just one guy. That’s weird. It’s like he was hoping four others might want to join him eventually.

    • The funny thing is that Take It Easy could very well have fit in this countdown since it’s probably the Eagles’ second most famous song and gets played way too much. But it only rates a meh from me, as does Hotel California. There’s not a lot of mainstream banjo music for me to hate on, but this garbage from Mumford and Sons more than fills the void. My radio station (The same station that will play variety like Fleetwood Mac, Madonna and even Outkast) is in love with this song, as was Mecca during the CD days a few years ago. It has far exceeded the its airplay limit for me! You are lucky to not have this song in your life!

      • Trisha says:

        I briefly considered the possibility that Hotel California might make the list but I decided against it. I didn’t think it was a bad enough song (I am biased because I do like it, mostly because of the guitar intro and I enjoy Don Henley’s voice) and because I didn’t think it got overplayed anymore. I only hear it on the radio about as often as every other blue moon. It seems like every Seattle station is stuck on a playlist of about 50 songs and it’s like the 70’s never existed. Of course, in the case of Mumford and Sons, maybe it’s good to not be very adventurous about the new and different!

  8. I love bluegrass AND good folk music and a lot of things that are a mix of the two. Not necessarily YOUR chosen junk, but I’m a big Nitty Gritty Dirt Band fan … and I have a really good collection of old and some not so old stuff by Judy Collins and Joan Baez and yes, even Dylan. Sorry. Although right now, my favorite is — for this year — Emmy Lou Harris.

    • The folk singers from back in the day weren’t nearly as bad as Mumford & Sons… probably because they didn’t try to sound like folk rock on steroids… they just sang and picked their guitars. I could probably name something from every artist you mentioned that I do like. Bluegrass on the other hand, well, I stand by my opinion on it….

  9. As a bona bide hockey fan, I have to say I’m a big fan of Five for Fighting, if nothing else than for the band’s name. That said, I totally understand from where you’re coming on “100 Years;” I have to be in a super sappy funk to listen to this but admit it is on my playlist. The Mumford & Sons “I Will Wait” song gets way too much (read LOADS!!) of airtime on my local so-called ‘world class rock’ station (97.3 KBCO) and while the lyrics are a repetitive lamenting outcry, the banjo pickin’ is very toe-tapping and catchy. It suggests to me this is what a trip on speed might be like. It’s not the worst song, just one that gets way overplayed. Much like Sarah’s entry that makes me run from the room whenever I hear it (cannot bear to see those heart wrenching pets in the commercials). I think I may have to take something to help me through the top(?) three. Lord help us all. 🎶

  10. randomlyerin says:

    I disagree on the Mumford & Sons tune, I love that one. The others? I’d like to cunt-punt Sarah Mac for using that song on ASPCA commercials. As if the images of the poor abused critters weren’t bad enough…

  11. draliman says:

    I’ve never heard of your dishonourable mentions, neither the artists nor the songs, so I’ll take your word on those.
    As for this song… dum dum DUM… not bad at all! Not so keen on the verses but when they get to the chorus and go full banjo – I can imagine myself bopping along to that! Okay, it’s no “At Dawn” by Alyans, but still, not bad.
    That’s your double thumbs up from me this week.

  12. Ladybuggz says:

    OK, I agree with you here! The only banjo music I like is from Deliverance!

  13. noelleg44 says:

    You picked a couple whose remembrance is going to give me ear worms for the day!

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