Bad Eggs

Somewhere on a beach in Costa Rica….

SANTA: Ahhhh, this is the life!  My job may be a pain in the ass two months out of the year, but the ten month tropical vacays more than make up for the stress and help keep me jolly and fat!  Mitzi dear, I think I could use a little more lotion on my sack full of toys!

MITZI: Oooooooh!  Coming right up, Santy Baby!

SEYMOUR: Excuse me, Boss!

SANTA: Dammit, Seymour!  Can’t you see I’m trying to relax with the babes right now?

SEYMOUR: I’m sorry to interrupt, but there’s someone very important here to see you!

SANTA: I’ve told you a thousand times, I’m unavailable for public appearances until November!  If Mecca thinks they’re going to start the holiday season in Spring…

SEYMOUR: It’s not Mecca again, Boss.  It’s…

SANTA: I don’t care who it is!  Send them away!  And then go fetch the most interesting elf in a world and his harem another keg of Corona!

VOICE: I don’t think you’ll be hiding from me…

SANTA: Goddamit!  What in the hell do YOU want?  It can’t be time to make a Christmas episode already!

EVIL SQUIRREL: No, but I do need you for my Easter script.

SANTA: Sorry pal, but you’ve contacted the wrong holiday mascot.  I haven’t seen the Easter Bunny on this beach since Fat Tuesday…

ES: Yeah… well, the Shelf doesn’t have an Easter Bunny.  Or any bunny, for that matter.

SANTA: And so?  What do you want me to do, shit a chocolate bunny for you?

ES: No, but you know enough about the holiday legend child bullshitting business that you could fill in for him.

SANTA: If you think I’m going to do the Easter Bunny’s job….

Evil Squirrel pulls out a set of fake bunny ears…

MITZI: OMGOMGOMGOMG!  You look so KYOOOOOOOOT!!!!

SANTA: This is absolutely out of the question!  I am NOT wearing these fake bunny ears, and I am not…

ES pulls out another cheap accessory he picked up at a costume shop…

MITZI: I looked totally like that when I was Miss June 1995 in Playpony!  Except I had fishnets too…

SANTA: I will NOT….

ES: You WILL assume the Easter Bunny’s job this year, or your next vacation will be a permanent one in the display case at Goodwill next to the Pet Rocks and lawn jockeys!

SANTA: I…….. hurrumph!  I’ll be back after the weekend, Mitzi honey!  Keep that cerveza cold for me, OK!

ES: (Watching Santa trudge away unhappy) I thought he’d see things my way.  The critters always do…

MITZI: But now I, like, have nobody to help keep the sand out of my cleavage!

ES: (Lying down next to you-know-who) It just so happens I’m not doing anything for the next few days.  The boss always gets the holidays off!

MITZI: Oooooooh!  Let Mitzi, like, oil up your nuts!

Santa leaves the fun and sun of the Tropics behind to perform the duties he was suddenly tasked with.  Though both holiday routines require a lot of breaking and entering, Santa doesn’t have a clue how to do the Easter Bunny’s job…

SANTA: This is ridiculous!  I’m always out of the country on Easter and have no idea how that oversized varmint even distributes all of these eggs every year!  I say we just call the whole damned holiday off this year!

MARY: Nooooooooooo!!!!

SANTA: If I give you an egg, kid, will you go away?

MARY: I can’t go away!  I’m the Easter Bunny’s little helper lamb!  And you can’t disappoint the children by canceling Easter!

SANTA: I already disappoint them every Christmas when I don’t put all the stupid shit they ask for under the tree!  Why not let them get used to life being unfair year round?

MARY: OK then, think of all the stores that would go out of business if nobody had any reason to buy Easter shit?  The world economy would collapse!  And YOU’D be out of your regular job.

SANTA: OK, fine.  (Picks up the basket full of fake eggs)  Where do I start?

MARY: That’s Tina’s house over there.  You just take the eggs and hide them where she can find them in the morning.

Santa walks up to Tina’s house, going down the chimney out of habit, and looks for clever places to hide the candy filled loot…

SANTA: Yeah, I think this egg will fit nicely behind the toilet here…

SCRATCHY: CAUGHT YA!!!!!!!

SCRATCHY: You’re the prevert who keeps trying to seduce my niece with candy!

SANTA: I am NOT a prevert!  Even if I do invite strange kids to sit on my lap every year.  I’m the Easter Bunny, and…

SCRATCHY: You don’t look anything like the Easter Bunny!  Now get lost!!!

Scratchy nudges Santa around then proceeds to head butt him all the way back out the door…

SANTA: Hey!!!  Watch that horn!!!  It’s sharp!!!

TINA: Oh boy!!!  Just for MEEEE!!!!

TINA: Dafuq!?!?  Where’s the candy!?!?  I always knew the Easter Bunny was a fraud!

Pssst!!!

SNUGGLE: You know Uncle Snuggie’s always got your sweet tooth covered, sweetie!

TINA: YAYAYAY!!!!  I do believe in the Easter Bear!

SNUGGLE: Now come on out to my windowless van and let the Easter Bear show you his special Peep filled with lots of gooey marshmallow cream!

SANTA: Well, THAT didn’t work out too well!

MARY: It might help if you hid the eggs OUTSIDE, you know.  It isn’t the middle of winter…

SANTA: Yeah, it would be nice to just dump all the presents out in the kids yards and fuck that chimney business.  OK, point taken…

Santa takes his basket and begins hiding eggs in the backyard of the next house.  He’s bending over to insert an egg in the sewer pipe when he gets tackled out of nowhere by…

FLEABAG: BARK! GRRRR! BARK! GRRRR! BARK! GRRRR! BARK! GRRRR! BARK! GRRRR! BARK! GRRRR! BARK! GRRRR! BARK! GRRRR!

SANTA: HELP!!!  I’m not a chew toy!!!  Someone get this mutt off of me!!!

FUZZYWIG: Good work catching the intruder, Fleabag!

SANTA: I am NOT an intruder!  I’m the Easter…

FUZZYWIG: (Sticking a barrel in his face) It’s 4:20 in the morning, and you have no business being on my property!  One more word out of you, intruder, and I’m going to blow your fake ears off with this shotgun!

SANTA: That’s not a shotgun!  That’s a bong!

FUZZYWIG: (Looks at what he’s holding) So it is.  I guess I’ve been using my shotgun to get high with then.  Well, care for a hit?

Santa pulls himself up off the ground and runs like hell, leaping over the fence while only tearing a small hole in the crotch of his pants.  The egg is left behind which Fuzzywig takes the opportunity to open…

FUZZYWIG: Well, what do you know?  That really was the Easter Bunny.  And this is my kind of Easter grass…

SANTA: I’m just about ready to book the redeye back to Central America…

MARY: You can’t give up yet, Santa!  I mean, Easter Bunny!  The next house will be more welcoming… there’s a nice family there!

SANTA: Sigh….. (Santa picks up the basket again) I’m definitely going to have to bring up more defined job descriptions at the next holiday mascots union meeting…

Santa begins hiding eggs in the yard at the next house, and is caught in the act by the children…

SANTA: You know, this works out better if you don’t see where I’m hiding the eggs.  You’re only cheating yourselves.

SPONKIE 1: It’s alright, Easter Bunny!  We’re just happy to be getting eggs this year!

SPONKIE 2: Yeah!  You’re the bestest!

SANTA: It’s good to see that some of my customers can be appreciative of the hard work I put into….

GET AWAY FROM THAT EGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPONKIES: But Moooooom!!!!

SPARKLEPONY: Don’t you “But Mom” me!  What have I told you two about taking dyed eggs from strangers?  He could be the Mad Egg Bomber for all you know!

SANTA: The Mad what!?!?

SPARKLEPONY: I’m calling the police!

TROLL: Officer Troll on the scene!  How may I help you ma’am?

SPARKLEPONY: This nutjob in the silly costume is passing out exploding eggs to my children!

TROLL: This is clearly the work of the Mad Egg Bomber!  I’ll have to call in the bomb squad to defuse the situation!

BUSTER: Bomb Squad reporting for duty, sir!

TROLL: (Pointing to the harmless Easter egg) Get that thing out of here now before we all DIE!!!!

Buster scoops up the egg and runs like hell down the street….

Egg yolk and possum guts shower everyone within a one mile radius.

SANTA: Dafuq was in those eggs they gave me?

TROLL: My work here is done!  Since nobody got hurt this time, Mad Egg Bomber, I’m going to let you off with just a warning.  Have a nice day, everyone…

Santa shakes his head as he leaves the chaotic scene at the Sponkie household and makes it back to where his aide is camped out.

SANTA: This is the most fucked up holiday I’ve ever been a part of!

MARY: And it’s about to get even fucked uppier.  You have a customer service complaint.

SANTA: What!?!?

RAINY: What is this egg doing in my precious rain gauge!?!?

SANTA: Calm down, lady!  As soon as the kids find it, your rain gauge will be open for non-business again like always.

RAINY: If you don’t get this chicken fetus container out of my rain gauge right now, I’m going to….

Rainy’s conniption fit causes the egg to fall from its perch and come crashing to the ground…

SANTA: Now look what you’ve done!  You just ruined some poor kid’s Easter.

RAINY: That’s not what’s supposed to come out of an egg!  That’s……

MARY: Rain, maybe?

RAINY: You mean I actually had rain in my rain gauge for the first time ever, and I didn’t even know it!?!?  And now it’s all spilled on the ground and running down into the sewers and……

SANTA: That’s what you get for acting like a bitch…

RAINY: You tricked me into thinking I had NOT rain when I actually had the real thing!  You’re going to pay for this you naughty rabbit!

MARY: Time for me to head for the hills….

Yep, I think this will be the straw that breaks the Easter Bunny’s cottontail…

SANTA: (Upending the basket and throwing his bunny accessories on the ground) I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!!!

MARY: Nooooo!  But the children!

SANTA: Fuck the children!  Let the Tooth Fairy pick up the slack.  I QUIT!!!

MARY: But now who’s going to hide all the eggs this Easter!?!?

SHADOW: Greetings!  I see you’ve done my job just as pathetically as I’d have expected.

SANTA: Pathetically!?!?  And…. YOUR job?

SHADOW: Yes, my job.  I’m the Easter Bunny.  Or the closest thing this Shelf has to a long eared creature.  I got tired of always getting second billing to YOU in the holiday hall of fame, so I thought I’d trick the head honcho into recruiting the over-hyped Kris Kringle into delivering 69 trillion eggs this Easter.  Epic fail….

SANTA: WHAT!?!?!?  You mean, you could have done this the whole time!?!?!?

SHADOW: Sure.  But it would be more appropriate to get the jolly old fat man to take my place on……………….. April Fools!!!!!

Shadow evilly cackles and disappears into thin air along with the Easter basket before Santa can even enact his revenge…

MARY: That’s my boss!  Always the little asshole!

SANTA: I’ll have that son of a bitch recalled back to my workshop and made into a punching bag this Christmas!  Just you wait and see!  Taking me away from my beach and my babes….

MARY: Not all of your babes…

MARY: I’m tired of Mitzi getting all the good sex scenes in SCT.  What do you say we head back to my barn and roll around in the hay?

SANTA: You baa-aaa-aa-d girl.  I don’t know if I’ve ever had mutton before…

MARY: Once you go lamb, you never go back!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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12 Responses to Bad Eggs

  1. oh please easter-satan bring such a pink egg with easter grass to the mama too :o)
    thanks for the world bestest egg-siding and eggs-cellent easter post!!!! Happy Good friday and & happy easter :o)

  2. that was ‘quite’ the Easter tail, er tale…er whatever it was. Pretty funny though. Happy 🐰

  3. draliman says:

    Nobody got hurt in the explosion? Nobody? Poor Buster.
    I guess the Easter Bunny’s job isn’t as easy as we think. At least Santa got a consolation prize at the end. Just look at Mary’s “come to bed” eyes.

    • I was hoping someone would pick up on how Buster’s sacrifice got snubbed!

      Mary’s eyes are so tempting, and yet it’s Mitzi who gets all the action. She has every right to be jealous…

  4. Who knew Easter could be so dangerous……..or hilarious……..nothing like celebrating egg-day at SCT ! I love a hoppy ending……………..

    Pam

  5. Quirky Girl says:

    After reading this, I thibk it’s fair to say Santa is just not cut out for Easter. But then, neither is Uncle Snuggie. *shudder* Mitzi would probably make a better Easter Unicorn Bunny. 😜

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