ROD SERLING???: There is a fifth dimension beyond the Age of Aquarius. It is a dimension as vast as this wasteland of a blog, and as boring as a Congressional hearing marathon on C-SPAN. It is a middle ground between the pinnacle of Hollywood entertainment, and the pith of reality television… between sanity and outright lunacy… and it lies between the standards of common sense and the dumpster fire of all that is fucked up. This is a dimension of unfiltered and unwashed imagination, an area which we call…. The Shelf Critter Zone.
I hope you were all playing the theme music along in your head and are now on the triumphant crescendo that leads into our story…..
BUSTER: Let’s see…. one, two, four, seven, six and a half… here is your withdrawl, ma’am!
LUNA: This isn’t right! You’ve shorted me a million dollars, you bumbling buffoon!
BUSTER: Oh…. OH, I did! I’m so sorry! Heh, heh… I guess I was just distracted by how beautiful you look today, Princess. There you are, $1,000,008.36! All there, my dear!
LUNA: Are you…… flirting with me? A common peasant teller!?!?
BUSTER: Well hon…. I mean, ma’am. Mine is a somewhat lonely existence.
LUNA: And so it should be, you homely, mangy little marsupial! I’m going to report your incompetence AND your freshness to the bank president!
BUSTER: Oh, I do love it when a lady plays so hard to get…
Luna scooped up her loot and stomps out of the bank in a huff. Enter……
SHADOW SERLING: Submitted for your approval, Mr. Buster Bemis. With shit for brains and the face even a mother wouldn’t love, Buster’s life has not been a fulfilling one. Day in and day out, he struggles to perform his work duties while ever on the lookout for some female companionship. But Buster’s quest to get laid is about to take a detour at the next signpost up ahead. Buster’s about to find out what it’s like to have blue balls in…. The Shelf Critter Zone!
RAINY; Excuse me! I’ve been standing here for five minutes now! What are you doing behind that desk!?!?
Buster peers up and sees he has another customer and quickly hides the slightly used National Geographic Swimsuit Edition back under his desk…
BUSTER: Oh, ma’am! Sorry, I was just…… er….. looking into this otter’s… I mean, our bank’s assets! How may I be of assistance?
RAINY: I was wanting to get a low interest loan to buy a cloud seeding plane.
BUSTER: I see. We’ll need some collateral to hold while you repay the loan. Perhaps that rain gauge?
RAINY: I’m not giving up my precious rain gauge for collateral!!!! My credit is spotless!
BUSTER: (Looking at his laptop) Hmmmmm…. that’s not what it says here. Now, maybe I can think of a way you can convince us to approve that loan for you…
Buster flashes a creepy grin and eyes up Rainy from behind his thick spectacles.
RAINY: Are you eying me up!?!?
BUSTER: Well, my darling. I know how to pull a few strings… and after maybe a date or two….
RAINY: You’re propositioning me! How unprofessional!
BUSTER: Nah, it’s easy to mix business with pleasure! We can make this work….
RAINY: You can keep your loan! And here’s something you can report to the credit bureau you prevert!
After a busy morning of fucking up and harassing the female customers, maybe a little lunch in the staff lounge will help get Buster’s mind back where it should be…
BUSTER: Hello ladies! Is this seat taken?
SCRATCHY: This is the cool table, dude. You know you don’t belong here.
MARY: Nice Teletubbies lunch box you have there.
BUSTER: Why thank you! Are you a fan of Tinky Winky too? Maybe we have something in common…
MARY: That was SARCASM, dipshit!
SPARKLEPONY: Please go eat at your desk, or by the garbage compactor, or anywhere but here…
BUSTER: Nah, I got something tasty to share with you all! Excuse me while I whip this out…
The three girls about have a heart attack as Buster reaches down and pulls out….
BUSTER: Would any of you sweets like a SweeTart?
MARY: Do we need to translate the sexual harassment poster into possumspeak for you?
BUSTER: Aw, come on girls! I’m just trying to be smooth here!
Mary, Scratchy and Sparklepony team up to flip the lunch table over onto Buster, then walk out on the co-worker from hell…
SCRATCHY: I’m going back to my teller cage to huff the container of finger grip goop…
Buster lies in a daze under the upturned table, having his desperate advances rejected yet again…
FUZZYWIG: What are you doing making a mess of the breakroom? Am I going to have to run your tail through the coin sorter again?
BUSTER: Oh, I’m sorry Boss! It’s just…. well, the girls were so excited to sit with me at lunch that…
FUZZYWIG: I see… what little bit of blood should be going to your head is flowing elsewhere instead again. I’ve already had two customers complain about your unwanted flirtations, in direct violation of corporate ethics policy 4.20… and given that you can’t even do your job right, you’re making the decision to fire you so, so tempting.
BUSTER: No, sir! I’ll straighten myself out! I’ll keep the studmuffin in me locked up until after hours!
Fuzzywig just shakes his head and shuffles back up to his office to invest more of the bank’s profits in MARIHUANA futures. The downtrodden Buster picks up his lunchbox and decides to take his break in the most private of places… the bank vault.
BUSTER: (Picking up the newspaper he stole from the lobby waiting room) Hmmmmmm, what’s this?
Buster scoffs at the news between sips of Coke and shots of SweeTarts, but wouldn’t you know it…
A series of violent explosions rattles Buster around in the vault, causing his soda to spill and ruin his lunch.
BUSTER: What……… what happened!?!?!?
Buster crawls out of the vault and into a post-apocalyptic world full of utter destruction. The Shelf as Buster knew it is gone.
BUSTER: Everything is destroyed! The buildings are piles of smoldering ash! The streets have more potholes in them than usual! The critters…….. WHERE ARE THE CRITTERS!?!? Is there anybody out there!?!? Hello!?!?!? Am I the only one…..
BUSTER: Oh, there’s someone! Hey there, buddy! Man, it’s good to see someone else survived this disaster! I’d hate to think I’m all alone out here and….. um…… (waves his paw in front of the critter’s face) hello?
MR. FOX: ………………….
BUSTER: I don’t think he’s alive! I don’t think he was ever alive! Oh no! This is terrible! Somebody has to be out there!!!
Buster struggles his way through the ruins on the former Shelf looking for any kind of critter contact. But there is nothing to be seen for miles other than decaying infrastructure and decaying bodies…
BUSTER: This is unreal! Everything and everyone has been destroyed by the Robofox! I’m the last critter left on the Shelf! Me… Buster! The one who always dies every episode. I’m the last one left! Eat your ironic heart out, Alanis Morissette.
While Buster is thankful to be alive, he is also despondent about the reality of his situation…
BUSTER: I thought my life before The End was lonely… but even though the critters all hated me, at least there were still others to interact with. All those girls who rejected me… at least I had their attention for a moment, even if it was only to bitchslap me. I….. well, I guess I’ll never get laid now that there’s nobody left to lay. I survived, but even that was more of my terrible luck. I wish I was…
Buster creeps up to the edge of the Shelf, peering over the void and coming to grips with the fact that as the only living creature left, there really is nothing to live for. As David Lee Roth once said, might as well jump…..
MITZI: What’s wrong, possie wossie?
BUSTER: Are my eyes deceiving me? Is there somebody else who survived!?!?
MITZI: Lulz! Like, of course I survived! As long as I know how to love I’ll always stay alive! Well, that and the fact that silicone is, like, totally indestructible!
BUSTER: So if we’re the only two critters left alive, that means……
MITZI: We’re gonna have the Garden of Even, like, totally rockin’ forever and ever!
BUSTER: All my life, the girls never wanted any part of me. I was always hornier than a brass band on a goat farm, and couldn’t get a screw to save my life. Now……. it’s just me and Mitzi left, and there’s nobody else who can reject me! I’m finally going to score!!! I’m going to get sex enough at last!!!!
Mitzi wastes no time in getting to enjoy the last male critter on the Shelf. She gets on her knees to check out Buster’s special bifurcated package, but being the clumsy girl she’s always been, she slips….
…and her horn accidentally gores a very sensitive part of Buster’s anatomy.
Buster looks down in horror. He reaches down, in utter disbelief, and picks up the broken remains of his nuts….
BUSTER: No! This isn’t fair! I was finally going to get some! There was going to be sexy times! Now….. without my nuts, I can’t….. I’ll never be able to…….
Buster doesn’t even hesitate this time….
MITZI: Well, darnsies! I always end up breaking my best toys!
SHADOW: Buster Bemis learned one of the more valuable lessons about life. That it never has and never will be fair. And a blessing is never anything other than a curse in disguise, whether it be in the real world, or in….. The Shelf Critter Zone!
MITZI: Oooooooh! There is another critter left for Mitzi to play with!
SHADOW: Sorry, but I’m only the omniscient narrator of this anthology series. I’m not actually within the realm of this story…
MITZI: (Grabbing at Shadow’s crotch) If you’re, like, make believe, then why do I have such a handful right now?
SHADOW: (Fidgeting nervously) Please release my Pokeballs at once! You’re making them….. very…… uncomfort…..ab…..llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
MITZI: My name’s Sexy Mitzi, and I WUV you!!!!!
SHADOW: That’s……. next…….. (pant) week’s……. (moan)…… episode.