FUZZYWIG: Well, well, would you look at the calendar! It’s that very special day that only rolls around once every year… or maybe it just seems like that long when you’re always riding the leaf. It’s time to go spread the good news!
I don’t think Fuzzy’s talking about preaching the Gospel….
FUZZYWIG: Hey stupid mutt! You know what day it is?
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! SOLD ME DOWN THE YELLOW RIVER BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: No, it’s not the day you’re getting sold to the Chinese buffet… although that day’s coming sooner than you think.
FUZZYWIG: Chip, my buddy ol’ pal! Do you know what day it is?
CHIP: Yeah, it’s Friday. Did you forget to charge your phone again?
FUZZYWIG: Typical square answer I’d expect from a square critter. Keep on living the dull life, my friend…
CHIP: Yep, it’s definitely Friday since I’m obviously in the middle of another fucked up Shelf Critter Theatre episode…
FUZZYWIG: Say there, little girl. Do you know what day it is?
TINA: No. But that’s OK… when I forget, all I have to do is look at what it says on my underwear. (Tina pulls down her leggings to check her “calendar”) It’s Thursday! YAY! That means the Justin Beaver concert is almost here! Gotta run!
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! SKIDMARKS! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: Yes, she’s not going to get any boys wearing day old underdrawers, but that’s none of our concern…
SNUGGLE: Hey, dude! How’d you get that little chick to show you her panties like that? I gotta learn that trick!
FUZZYWIG: Sorry, but I feel like taking a bite out of crime. Incidentally, do you know what day it is?
SNUGGLE: Hell yeah, it’s hump day!
FUZZYWIG: And just how old are your BVD’s?
SNUGGLE: Dude, it doesn’t have to be Wednesday to be hump day. With how smooth and studly I am, I treat every day like it’s hump day!
BIG SCRAT; I couldn’t agree with you more!
SNUGGLE: NO! Not with you, you preverted creep!
BIG SCRAT: Look who’s talking, Pedobear! Time to take you aside and make like a camel with you. Will you take one hump or two in your tea?
FUZZYWIG: I’ll need a whole week of 4/20’s to fry this disgusting scene out of my mind. Let’s move along and see if there’s any intelligent life on this Shelf…
FUZZYWIG: Say there, Buster. Do you know what day it is?
BUSTER: By golly, I do! It’s a great day to be alive!
FUZZYWIG: Gee, I can’t imagine what’s going to happen next…
BUSTER: My spleeeeeeeeeeeeen…..
FUZZYWIG: Greetings Mr. POS… er, POTUS. Do you know what day it is?
UNCLE SAM: Son, it’s my official duty to always know what day it is! In fact, I’m riding this car in a parade down Main Street for this special occasion today!
FUZZYWIG: Ahhhh, I love living in an era of legalization…
SAM: What in the hell are you talking about? Here, let me unfurl the banner I’ll be carrying as the grand marshal…
RICKY THE PRAYING RACCOON: Lord! I know I ask this every Friday, but please ONCE AGAIN, forgive the deadly sins committed by my fellow critters. The plague of roly poly bugs last time we offended You was a bit much…
Uncle Sam and his Comic Sans cardboard Fuhrer roll on into the land of negative approval ratings, while Fuzzywig continues along the Shelf trying to find someone else who shares his love for this stupidest of all days…
SANTA: I guess Uncle Sam doesn’t know that the special counsel isn’t the only one watching him these days…
FUZZYWIG: Hey, St. Nick. Funny seeing you this time of the year. Do you know what day it is?
SANTA: Of course I do! There are now 249 shopping days left until Christmas… and that means the decorations at Mecca go out today!
FUZZYWIG: I’m guessing that was something else encircling your head like a wreath…
SANTA: I don’t have time for any of your silly guessing games, I’ve still got six more months to tan my buns in the Costa Rican sun! Hasta!
FUZZYWIG: Come on, Troll. You’ve gotta know what day it is.
TROLL: You mean that it’s another bad hair day? I haven’t had a good hair day since I was in the womb…
FUZZYWIG: Not that! I mean….
TROLL: It’s also the day my unemployment benefits check runs out for the month, so if you have a couple bucks I can mooch off you until the first of the month, my stomach would greatly appreciate it!
FUZZYWIG: I’ll be moving along now….
FUZZYWIG: Do you know what day it is?
RAINY: It’s another sunny day, that’s what it is! Just another lousy, miserable, unbearable sunny day! The fifteen thousandth in a row on the Shelf, give or take a few weeks.
FUZZYWIG: Come on! Someone has to realize that it’s…
RAINY: And do you know what I think about all of these non-rainy days, Mr. Fuzzywig?
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! TAKE COVER! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
RAINY: (Grunting and groaning) What’s happening? Where’s my precious spray!?!?
FUZZYWIG: It’s true….
FUZZYWIG: … duct tape fixes everything!
RAINY: The NERVE of you clogging up my tailpipe like that! Why I oughta….. GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rainy and her backed up venting system stomp off in a huff…
FUZZYWIG: Well, I just about give up, Fleabag. I guess nobody else on this shelf shares my passion for the finer things in life…
MITZI: Coony woony and puppy wuppy! What up, doods?
FUZZYWIG: I guess there’s no point in even asking if you know what day it is…
MITZI: Mitzi, like, totally knows what day it is! My head is like a mental colander!
MITZI: HAPPY MARIHUANA DAY, FUZZY WUZZY!!!!
FUZZYWIG: Someone remembered it was 4/20! This makes me happier than Draliman in the front row of an Alyans concert. I’m surprised you were the one who knew the significance of this day.
MITZI: Oh, Mitzi’s, like, totally into neuterology! Numbers and dates have really powerful meanings! Mitzi has, like, just one favor to ask you in return…
FUZZYWIG: (Kicking Fleabag away from the stash) Anything you want, my dear.
MITZI: Don’t forget about Mitzi on June 9th!
FUZZYWIG: I wouldn’t dream of it, dear! I’m sure I’ll have the munchies for something sweet and succulent by then anyway….