SQUIRREL CHILDREN: Uncle Chip! Uncle Chip!
CHIP: I’m not your uncle. I don’t even have any siblings.
CHILD 1: Uncle Chip, we’re BORED!
CHILD 2: Can you read us a story?
CHILD 3: Or maybe a comic book?
CHIP: I don’t have any comic books! I…
CHILD 4: Wanna borrow my naked Wonder Woman comic book I got online?
LITTLEST: I’m telling Mommy!!!
CHIP: Kids, kids! I wasn’t really in the mood to crittersit today… but maybe I can entertain you youngins for a little bit.
The squirrel children jump up and down in excitement like the little assholes they are.
CHIP: How about we meet some of the critters in the neighborhood. You know, like they used to do on Sesame Street.
CHILD 1: Sesame Street?
CHILD 2: Is that the alley near skid row?
CHIP: No, it’s a children’s show.
CHILD 3: Is that on HBO?
CHILD 4: Yeah, Mommy won’t let us watch that channel.
LITTLEST: Too many naked vikings.
CHIP: Sigh…. this is what the neighborhood song was like.
CHILD 1: So we’re going to meet the grocer and the doctor?
CHIP: This is the Shelf, I doubt very seriously we’re going to meet anybody with a real job. But…. let’s see who we can find.
And so the squirrel children and their adult chaperone make their may through the mean streets of The Shelf, which haven’t been swept up of clouds or anything else since the city workers went on strike last year. It doesn’t take them long to find their first “neighbor”…
CHIP: Here’s a critter in your neighborhood, children. This is a bum!
TROLL: (Turning up from his possum dinner) What did you just call me?
CHILD 2: Why is he eating that nasty dead possum?
TROLL: Because ten years of higher education got me a wonderful career in the world of unemployment! When you’re a bum, you eat whatever doesn’t eat you first.
CHIP: Perhaps you’d like to tell us a little about your occupation. Hit it DJ Scratchy!
♪ ♫ Who are the critters in your neighborhood?
In your neighborhood? In your neighborhood!
Yes, who are the critters in your neighborhood?
The critters that you meet each day! ♪ ♫
TROLL: (Looking all around) Where the hell did that song come from? Oh… ahem…
♪ ♫ Well the bum’s a guy down on his luck
Not that anybody gives a fuck
Do you have a dollar I can use?
Not for food, I’m gonna buy cheap booze! ♪ ♫
CHILDREN:
♪ ♫ Because the bum is a critter in your neighborhood!
In your neighborhood! In your neighborhood!
Yes, the bum is a critter in your neighborhood!
The critters that you meet each day! ♪ ♫
CHILD 3: Can I have a drink of that?
TROLL: Fuck no! Go get your own, kid! Now are you all gonna give me a handout, or what?
CHIP: Try getting a job instead. Come on, kiddies. Let’s move along before we all catch crabs…
Chip and his entourage wander out behind Mr. Hooper’s store…
CHIP: Here’s another critter in your neighborhood, the local drug dealer!
FUZZYWIG: I prefer to be referred to as an exotic pharmaceutical supplier these days.
CHIP: Sorry, but these kids’ songs have room for a limited amount of syllables… so drug dealer it is.
CHILD 1: This smells good!
FUZZYWIG: Hey! No free samples, kid! Just a whiff of this good stuff is $4.20.
CHIP: Why don’t you tell us about your role in the neighborhood?
FUZZYWIG: Sure, whatever…
♪ ♫ Well the drug dealer is your one stop
Illegal pharmaceutical shop
I’ve got what you need to get your buzz
Til I get busted by the local fuzz ♪ ♫
CHILDREN:
♪ ♫ Because the drug dealer’s a critter in your neighborhood!
In your neighborhood! In your neighborhood!
Yes, the drug dealer’s a critter in your neighborhood!
The critters that you meet each day! ♪ ♫
FUZZYWIG: I haven’t heard groovy singing like that since Puff the Magic Dragon. Here kids, have a Viagra on the house!
CHIP: You can’t give little children Viagra!
FUZZYWIG: You’re right, because somebody has apparently stolen my goods! Who made off with all of my little blue pills!?!?
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! HAPPY DOG! HAPPY DOG! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: You little flea-bitten bastard! I better get top dollar for that hard salami down at the Chinese buffet.
LITTLEST: Uncle Chip! What is that red thing poking out of his belly?
CHIP: Ummmmm….. let’s go meet the next critter now, kids!
Chip and the kids hurry along down the street, leaving Fuzzy to get the humping of his life. Surely they’ll meet somebody more normal down by the school playground…
Or not…
SNUGGLE: Yeah, bounce up and down on that horsie! I like a girl who practices!
CHILD 2: Uncle Chip, what’s that strange bear doing?
CHIP: I don’t think we want to know what this neighbor is up to.
SNUGGLE: If you must know, I’m scouting out the babes!
CHILD 3: But they’ve all got COOTIES!
CHIP: I believe it’s time to sing the child predator song. What do you think?
SNUGGLE:
♪ ♫ Well the pedophile patrols the streets
With a bag of lollipops and treats
If you’re under eighteen I’m your man
Come meet me in my windowless Dodge van ♪ ♫
CHILDREN:
♪ ♫ Because the pedophile’s a critter in your neighborhood!
In your neighborhood! In your neighborhood!
Yes, the pedophile’s a critter in your neighborhood!
The critters that you meet each day! ♪ ♫
SNUGGLE: Nice! I’ll bet I could attract the chicks with a cute little song like that! (Looks back through his binoculars) Oh, what’s this? My, this little girl coming my way has grown up quite a bit!
RAINY: I’m the recess monitor, you PREVERT! And I’m going to see to it you stay at least a mile away from this place like the legal order says you should!
Chip and the squirrels hit the road just in time to avoid Rainy’s potent predator repellent…
CHILD 4: There sure are some strange critters in this neighborhood, Uncle Chip!
LITTLEST: Was the Shelf built on a toxic waste dump, or something?
CHIP: Sometimes, kids, I wonder that myself. Well, here’s a critter you don’t see very often in your neighborhood…
UNCLE SAM: And so I’d like to thank you all for supporting my run for…. (turns to the kids), where’s the Secret Service when I need them? Go on, beat it! Go hold one of your sissy protests, or something…
CHILD 1: Can we have something to eat too?
SAM: Absolutely not! This is a $1,000 a plate fundraising dinner!
CHILD 2: (Looking out at the tables) McDonald’s costs $1,000 a plate?
CHILD 3: Grimace must be RICH!
SAM: I……. er….. my supporters like the food at the Moscow McDonald’s, and…
CHIP: While you’ve still got a double digit approval rating, why don’t you tell the children who will one day vote you out of office what the President does in their neighborhood.
SAM:
♪ ♫ Well the President’s the head of state
Who works to make this bad Shelf great
If my policies indeed don’t pass
Then I will rant and rave like a big ass ♪ ♫
CHILDREN:
♪ ♫ Because the President’s a critter in your neighborhood!
In your neighborhood! In your neighborhood!
Yes, the President’s a critter in your neighborhood!
The critters that you meet each day! ♪ ♫
CHILD 4: Mr. President? Is it true that you had Mr. Snuffleupagus deported because you thought his name sounded foreign?
SAM: Ummm…..
LITTLEST: And don’t you dare say he was make believe! We know better!
SAM: I….. er….. will have to defer this question to my press secretary.
PRESS SECRETARY FOX: …………………..
SAM: Well said! At least I hired somebody worth a damn in this Administration…
CHIP: Come along, guys. We need to get out of here before this place gets raided.
Chip and his merry gang of learners continue on in their futile quest to find critters in the hood who might actually be role models for young children. Yeah, good luck with that…
CHIP: How did we get in this place?
CHILD 1: Holy crap! Look at the size of her…..
CHILD 2: She’s bigger than the school lunch lady with the purple wart on her mustache!
CHILD 3: Think of the size of the cooties she must have!
MITZI: OMG! I, like, have new fans! Wanna see do the shimmy again?
CHILD 4: Are you a critter in our neighborhood, ma’am?
MITZI: I totally am!!!!
MITZI:
♪ ♫ Well the pole dancer is really good
Prancing naked while the men get wood
I appreciate your tips so much
Just remember you can look, don’t touch! ♪ ♫
CHILDREN:
♪ ♫ Because the pole dancer’s a critter in your neighborhood!
In your neighborhood! In your neighborhood!
Yes, the pole dancer’s a critter in your neighborhood!
The critters that you meet each day! ♪ ♫
MITZI: That was, like, totally awesome! Time to shake the pasties and make in rain in this club!
CHILD 1: Cool!
CHILD 2: This is about three month’s allowance for us!
MITZI: You should talk to your Mommy and Daddy about becoming, like, Chickendale dancers!
CHILD 3: (Eyeing Mitzi’s “assets”) Are these things real? Mommy never made this much milk.
CHIP: I really think we should leave now…..
PINKIE: What’s going on in here!?!?!?!?
MITZI: Hiya, Madame Pinkie! I was, like, giving a private dance to some new clients on a field trip!
PINKIE: These are underage children and they’re way too young to be in this gentlemen’s club! I could lose my license over this! Where’s their guardian!?!?
CHIP: I guess that would be me. I was just….
PINKIE: I’m calling the cops and reporting you for child endangerment!
CHIP: But we were just doing a scene for Sesame Street…
PINKIE: Yeah, right… and Mr. Rogers is in the VIP room getting a lapdance from Lamb Chop. You’re going to pay for this, mister!
A few days and a plea bargain later….
CHIP: This is my reward for trying to help some impressionable young kids learn about the critters in their neighborhood! If there’s any other critter acting ensemble out there that is taking applications for a serious cast member, you can find my video resume on YouTube and LinkedIn under my name….
BIG SCRAT: Well, it looks like there’s a new critter in my neighborhood! Let me show you around…. first stop, the showers! We’ll play Tickle Me Elmo…
CHIP: I hate my life…
Evil Squirrel's Nest 
I like the idea that I might have planted this Sesame Street seed in your amazingly fruitful, preverted mind…
This is seriously my favorite episode of Shelf Critter Theater, ES. Bravo. I was hoping for a Grover sighting, though.
I’m wondering how many heads this one will go over. It seems like all of the stupid kids programs that have come since Sesame Street made people forget about the original. But the neighborhood song came into my mind when I wrote yesterday’s post, then I got to thinking how fun it would be to do that with all the fucked up critters in my gang. This is what Sesame Street would be like if it took place in the real world…
Did we have a mind meld?
Yes, sadly that is true, things are seriously going to shit.
Now I REALLY know you aren’t the same generation as me because those are singalongs from Mr. Rogers’ and my son was too grown up by the time that was on television. Do you realize that we are more recognizable as generations by the TV shows we watched the the music that was popular. Clothing? Not so much. Not even haircuts or what we learned in school — and who can remember what war was being fought anymore? But TV shows and what music was on the radio. Is this a good thing.
Fashion goes in cycles, and even TV shows do in a way thanks to the rerun phenomenon. I’m actually probably more knowledgeable about shows that aired in the 50’s and 60’s before I was born than what was new on TV in my living years. There are kids and even young adults alive today who have never seen I Love Lucy or The Honeymooners before, and that makes me feel old even though those shows were already long off the air when I came into this world..
Poor Chip. It was such a fun idea for the kids and it all just went horribly (and comically) wrong.
You’d think that Troll or Snuggle or Fuzzy or even the President would get thrown in jail for being such bad neighbors… but no, it’s the innocent bystander who gets locked up for picking the wrong episode to star in. At least those kids can brag to their friends that they met a stripper…
The young-uns on the shelf sure get an education, don’t they? In fact, I think I do too!!
There’s always lots of fun stuff to learn in Shelf Critter Theatre…. not the least of which is how demented the author must be.
😂 Each of the neighborhood songs made me laugh harder than the one before it. 😂 Poor Chip. Introducing impressionable young critters to the colorful characters of the Shelf was never going to end well but I didn’t think it would end jail time with Scrat bad!
I didn’t know it was going to end in jail time either! This is one of those stories I started without having an ending for… but the contents (I wrote all the songs beforehand) were too good not to just set it up and see what happened! Another fun fact: I had originally planned on just having Chip do the walkthrough, as Bob would do on Sesame Street. Adding the kids was a last minute inspiration mainly because I don’t use them enough and wanted their cute, bratty faces in another episode!
It was perfect with the squirrel children! And the songs were hilarious. It’s a good thing I wasn’t drinking anything while I was reading this episode or it would have ended up all over my screen!
Not drinking anything while reading SCT should be a rule. I am in no way liable for any damaged computer screens while reading The Nest.
Nicely done. “Mr. President? Is it true that you had Mr. Snuffleupagus deported because you thought his name sounded foreign?” As a child who liked Mr. Snuffleupagus, I’m sorry to learn that he’s a victim of our so-called president’s unhinged plan to rid our country of anything or anyone who is unique and adds value by being just that. Sad days in Shelf Critter Theater– and elsewhere.
Just imagine what the President would think about Bert and Ernie’s relationship. I don’t think anyone would be left on the Street once the deportation is all done. Except maybe Oscar the Grouch… I’m sure he voted for him.
I think that’s a little bit harsh for poor old Chip. I mean, it’s not like he was doing a Snuggle or anything, right?
Yes, but Chip should have known what he was getting into. He needs to stay at home and call in sick every Friday…