Meet Bad Santa

It’s time to venture on down to the post office and take a good look at another degenerate hanging on the Most Wanted wall in The Nest’s Thursday Meet the Critters series!  Since there’s only 236 shopping days remaining until Christmas, it seems like the perfect time to put the unjolly old elf of SCT front and center… that bowlful of jell…. er, chileh Bad Santa!  Let’s take a good look at why he should be the first name on his own naughty list…

Besides his participation in illegal reindeer…. er, unicorn games.

NAME: Santa Claus, aka Kris Kringle, aka St. Nicholas, aka Father Christmas.  With all of those aliases he operates under, he just HAS to be a criminal.

SPECIES: Elf, we think.

SHELF PERSONALITY: The Shelf’s version of Santa is anything but the mythological do-gooder who has helped commercialize Christmas all over the world.  Bad Santa is a misanthrope who would rather be vacationing on the beach in Costa Rica than pandering to the costly hopes and wishes of children across the globe.  This Santa curses, drinks, has a nasty sense of sarcasm, chases women, and has even been known to smack around the kids that don’t believe in him…

That welt’s probably going to show up in the holiday photo.

RUNNING GAGS: By his very nature, Bad Santa is one of The Shelf’s seasonal actors… generally only appearing in episodes that are posted in the weeks before The Big Day.  One of those is the annual episode where he plays the store Santa at Mecca, and all kinds of disturbing hell breaks loose as he interacts with the kids who want to sit on his lap.  Tina is one of Santa’s biggest pains in the ass when she brings in her mile long list of Christmas wishes and tells Santa off for not fulfilling them every year…

Holy shit, bitch! Go bother the Easter Bunny with this long ass fucking Gimme List!

ESN PREMIERE AND ICONIC SCT ROLE: Bad Santa’s first and most heartwarming appearance came in his debut episode which also gave him his SCT moniker, “Bad Santa.”  After a rough day of dealing with bratty kids whose parents dragged them along to Mecca with them, at least it concludes with the knowledge that Santa will get a relaxing evening to unwind…

You better hope Mrs. Claus isn’t one of The Nest’s followers.

WHAT’S IN A NAME?: Though I refer to him as Bad Santa outside of actual SCT scripts, he is always credited as just plain “SANTA.”  “Bad Santa” ensures that nobody will confuse him and his sinister wink with the more innocent Coca Cola version of Mr. Claus that kids and merchants know and love.  Though I guess he’d till get confused with the movie version of Bad Santa that inspired the episode name in the first place…

How much am I going to have to make this royalties check out for unofficially licensing the Bad Santa name?

WHAT IS HE?: Bad Santa is a figurine made out of, I guess, ceramic that was meant to provide appropriate decor to your home for the holiday season… not act like an ass on fourth rate blogs every Friday.

Or dress up like a bunny and deliver eggs.

WHERE DID HE COME FROM?: Bad Santa is a Mecca product that was in their collection of holiday decorations during the 2016 season.  I scooped him up in November that year and immediately worked him into the gang.

I had to get him a little liquored up first.

CAN I GET ONE TOO?: I tried and tried and tried to find an exact replica of my Santa on Google Images, and came up completely empty.  For a mass produced figurine that was sold at a nationwide retailer just two years ago, that seems quite improbable that he’d be impossible to find.  I know I don’t have the only one.  Maybe all of his thousands of identical twins have already been destroyed by those who regretted buying them because he really IS evil!  It’s that wink…. you just can’t trust this bearded bastard!

Children roasting on an open fire!

We’ll check out the disturbing rap sheet of another critter who’ll be getting coal for Christmas next Thursday!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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19 Responses to Meet Bad Santa

  1. oooh he is even unique… how great! maybe he can show up much more and not only around the time of the big day? I would like to have Satan around for the whole year :O)

  2. Ally Bean says:

    Kind of trippy that you can’t find him for sale anywhere. He’s the only one?! Well, what do you expect with a menacing expression like his.

    • Our holiday trinket collection changes every year, so I’m sure they’ve all been sold or destroyed already. And apparently nobody wants to see one of these on any other site, or at least not under any descriptive terms I can find. The wink must scare everyone off…

  3. There’s something about his wink that’s disturbing…….but then I kinda like “disturbing”.

    Pam

  4. Trisha says:

    Something about his expression and the tilt of his head reminds me of the Elvis on the toilet picture. He’s the perfect Santa for The Shelf. A saintly Father Christmas would be horrified by the stuff that goes on there. It would be coal and a Go Directly to Hell card for everyone, every year!

    • He does look a bit like Elvis on the pot! I wish I could print up some Go Directly To Hell cards and pass them out to idiots… now I know what to ask for this Christmas.

  5. Maybe this guy is responsible for the Elf on a Shelf phenom. The naughty one.

  6. And it’s not even Christmas! LOL!! 😉

    • I’m sure it’s Christmas somewhere. There was a store in Hannibal 25 years ago that was Christmas themed year round! I’ll bet it’s a blast to have to work there…

  7. draliman says:

    Oh, what a bad Santa he is. We love him!

  8. 1jaded1 says:

    I would not sit on his lap!

  9. Bad Santa has had the Big Scrat treatment hasn’t he? Or has he? I can’t remember…

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