TINA: Zeeba, you silly goose! What are you doing?
ZEEBA: I’m getting piggyback rides!
BEARCAT: Don’t you dare cut in line! I’m next!
TINA: You need to get off of there! Your Mommy’s making him for breakfast in the morning!
ZEEBA: But I’m bored!
TINA: Speaking of silly gooses, I found a book of nursery rhymes under your Mommy’s mattress to read to you two!
BEARCAT: YAY! You’re, like, the best critter sitter ever, Tina!
TINA: I know, right? Let’s get started with one of my personal favorites…
Snuggle Wuggle pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and…
CAPER: (Wiping bear germs off her mouth) Whoa, dude! NOT cool! I thought you had some Hershey Kisses for me, not preverted bear slobber! I’m going to tell an adult now…
SNUGGLE: Yeah, go on ahead. Nobody ever pays attention to you in these stories anyway!
SAGE: That’s him, officer! That’s the bear who’s been smooching little girls in the park!
SNUGGLE: Hey! Mind your own business, bitch!
OFFICER SLIDER: (Getting out his taser) I live for these kind of days…
…went to jail
When the boys came out to play
ZEEBA: Got assraped!
BEARCAT: OMG Sis! You said a wordy durdy!
TINA: You go with your bad self, grrl! Like Snuggie Wuggie, I’ll hide your Mommy’s soap. Let’s see what’s next…
Rainbow Donkey pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her
He put her in an acorn shell…
SPARKLEPONY: You get me out of this oversized nut AT ONCE Rainbow Donkey, or I’m going to Bobbitize your gluestick!
RAINBOW DONKEY: But you look so cute inside of your pris…. I mean, shell, honeybunch. (Puts the lid on tight) And you sound so much better in there…
SPARKLEPONY: (Muffled sounds that vaguely resemble threats)
SPONKIE 2: Father, have you seen Mommy around?
RAINBOW DONKEY: No honey, I think she went shopping. She’ll probably be back in a couple weeks…
Because she made his life such hell!
BEARCAT: Cool! I locked our last critter sitter in the freezer for being a douchemonkey!
TINA: What did she do when you let her out?
ZEEBA: She’s still in there, ain’t she Sis?
TINA: Okay…. moving on!
Humpty Buster sat on a wall
Humpty Buster had a great fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s…. er, other horses
Couldn’t put Humpty Buster back together again!
APPLEJACK: Like, heck we couldn’t!
TWILIGHT: Yeah, we’ve got duct tape!
LUNA: He’ll be back together and ready to die again in next week’s episode!
ZEEBA: I love a happy ending!
BEARCAT: Read us some more! Read us some more!
Old King Coon was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he
FUZZYWIG: That’s mellow old soul, dear.
He called for his pipe
And he called for his….. um……. good stuff.
And he called for his….. errrrr…..
FUZZYWIG: I don’t need anything else, man. I’m good. Well, maybe some potato chips around 4:20 or so….
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! FETCH YOUR POOR DOG A BONE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: Go bother Old Mother Hubbard before the king sends you on the first ship to the Orient to be traded for spices…
BEARCAT: Tina, can we have some Good Stuff?
TINA: You’re not old enough yet for MARIHUANA. Wait until you get in third grade…
There was an old squirrel who lived in a shoe
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do…
SQUIRREL CHILDREN: MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHILD 1: He hit me!
LITTLEST: Did NOT!
CHILD 2: I saw him do it!
CHILD 3: You’re lying, brother!
LITTLEST: (Crying) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHILD 4: Can we go get ice cream, Mommy?
CHILD 1: MOM! Make him STOP!
SQUIRREL MOM: I beg to differ…. I know EXACTLY what to do.
SQUIRREL DAD: Oh my… not again dear. I guess we’ll just have to make some more.
SQUIRREL MOM: More, did you say?
SQUIRREL MOM: Time to sell this old shoe and move to L.A.!
ZEEBA: These rhymes are awesome!
BEARCAT: Yeah! They make a lot more sense than the Teletubbies!
Little Miss Scratchy
Sat on her ass… um, tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
SCRATCHY: You mean “listening to Dr. Dre,” right? Curds and what? Just because I’m a hipster doesn’t mean I’m in to all that new age shit, dude!
When along came a spider
Who sat down beside her…
TROLL: Hey, baby! Fancy meeting you out here! What do you say, my web or yours?
SCRATCHY: Dude, one of your eight hands is on my ass! I deal with spiders the same way I deal with creepy old Trolls trying to pick up on me who are waaaay out of my league…
And…. um…. killed the spider DEAD.
TINA: Hmmmmm, that one didn’t even rhyme right!
BEARCAT: Free verse for the win! Read us another one!
Mitzi had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mitzi went
The lamb was sure to go
MITZI: Little lamby wamby, you can, like, totally go home now. This is a private moment for Mitzi!
MARY: Oh please. What guy doesn’t dream of having a threesome with two smokin’ hot babes? I got dibs on the front seat!
SPARKLEPONY: (Angry muffled sounds)
TINA: (Blushing) Well…. it’s a good thing there’s only one more nursery rhyme to go!
It’s raining, it’s pouring
The old skunk is snoring!
She went to bed with a bottle of red
And didn’t wake up til the morning
RAINY: Son of a bitch! It was supposed to rain all night long, and I missed it because I had a hangover! Now it’s just ANOTHER sunny day on the Shelf…
ZEEBA: LOL! That’s so funny!
BEARCAT: Yeah! What a stupid skunk!
RAINY: It’s nice to see you think I’m stupid and funny…
TINA: Dafuq? How the hell did you break in here, bitch?
RAINY: Break in where? There are no walls on this stage. I can see what you mean girls were doing from halfway across the room! I knew it was a terrible idea for Mitzi to be breeding. I guess I’m going to have to finally welcome you newbies to the Shelf…
Rainy stomps off through the imaginary door once she’s done punishing the little ones.
ZEEBA: (Gagging) Oh man, Sis! That smells like one of your shitty diapers!
BEARCAT: Looks who’s talking, Miss Green Poop!
MITZI: Yooooooooooohoooooooooooooo girls! I’m back!
ZEEBA AND BEARCAT: Mommy!!!!!!!
MITZI: Look who, like, totally followed me home! A lamb!
MARY: Geez, Mitz! It smells like something died in your house!
MITZI: Oh noes! You’re right! Wanna go with me up the hill to, like, fetch a new French Whore scented air freshener?
What’s wrong with perverted bear slobber? Surely there’s got to be some critters out there who enjoy that sort of thing…?
I’m sure there are… and more power to them! I guess they’ll need to add new signs to state parks… Don’t Kiss the Bears!
Oh no, I was expecting Humpty Buster to perish but what about the poor squirrel family? Fun nursery rhymes, and it’s nice to see Mitzi’s kids again!
I think the squirrel massacre scene may have been the first rhyme I thought of when this theme sprang to mind, and perhaps even inspired by your recent FF post! Poor little guys, I hope the ponies still have more duct tape left once they get done with Humpty Buster…
This is way better than Aesop’s fables…
I’ll have to keep the fables in mind… I’m sure the Shelf would add some interesting “morals” to some of those…
We had an ancient book of them when I was a kid. Each one of them ended morbidly…not sugar coated fairy tales back then!
Umm…never a dull moment on the shelf, is it?
There is always something going on here that you may or may not have wanted to know about…
I expected a lot of twisted things to happen, but I didn’t expect Squirrel Mom to kill her whole family! With a pumpkin carving knife too. That had to hurt!
Good eye noticing what kind of knife that was! I needed something small and sharp to fit the character. Uncle Snuggie’s steak knife would have ruined the scene (More than six dead bodies did, anyway)….
Oh, my twisted friend, I am amazed at your genius.
Keep it coming!
Thanks! If you loved this, you will love my Mothers Day (today in the US) episode when you get to it…