TINA: Zeeba, you silly goose! What are you doing?
ZEEBA: I’m getting piggyback rides!
BEARCAT: Don’t you dare cut in line! I’m next!
TINA: You need to get off of there! Your Mommy’s making him for breakfast in the morning!
ZEEBA: But I’m bored!
TINA: Speaking of silly gooses, I found a book of nursery rhymes under your Mommy’s mattress to read to you two!
BEARCAT: YAY! You’re, like, the best critter sitter ever, Tina!
TINA: I know, right? Let’s get started with one of my personal favorites…
Snuggle Wuggle pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and…
CAPER: (Wiping bear germs off her mouth) Whoa, dude! NOT cool! I thought you had some Hershey Kisses for me, not preverted bear slobber! I’m going to tell an adult now…
SNUGGLE: Yeah, go on ahead. Nobody ever pays attention to you in these stories anyway!
SAGE: That’s him, officer! That’s the bear who’s been smooching little girls in the park!
SNUGGLE: Hey! Mind your own business, bitch!
OFFICER SLIDER: (Getting out his taser) I live for these kind of days…
…went to jail
When the boys came out to play
ZEEBA: Got assraped!
BEARCAT: OMG Sis! You said a wordy durdy!
TINA: You go with your bad self, grrl! Like Snuggie Wuggie, I’ll hide your Mommy’s soap. Let’s see what’s next…
Rainbow Donkey pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her
He put her in an acorn shell…
SPARKLEPONY: You get me out of this oversized nut AT ONCE Rainbow Donkey, or I’m going to Bobbitize your gluestick!
RAINBOW DONKEY: But you look so cute inside of your pris…. I mean, shell, honeybunch. (Puts the lid on tight) And you sound so much better in there…
SPARKLEPONY: (Muffled sounds that vaguely resemble threats)
SPONKIE 2: Father, have you seen Mommy around?
RAINBOW DONKEY: No honey, I think she went shopping. She’ll probably be back in a couple weeks…
Because she made his life such hell!
BEARCAT: Cool! I locked our last critter sitter in the freezer for being a douchemonkey!
TINA: What did she do when you let her out?
ZEEBA: She’s still in there, ain’t she Sis?
TINA: Okay…. moving on!
Humpty Buster sat on a wall
Humpty Buster had a great fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s…. er, other horses
Couldn’t put Humpty Buster back together again!
APPLEJACK: Like, heck we couldn’t!
TWILIGHT: Yeah, we’ve got duct tape!
LUNA: He’ll be back together and ready to die again in next week’s episode!
ZEEBA: I love a happy ending!
BEARCAT: Read us some more! Read us some more!
Old King Coon was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he
FUZZYWIG: That’s mellow old soul, dear.
He called for his pipe
And he called for his….. um……. good stuff.
And he called for his….. errrrr…..
FUZZYWIG: I don’t need anything else, man. I’m good. Well, maybe some potato chips around 4:20 or so….
FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! FETCH YOUR POOR DOG A BONE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!
FUZZYWIG: Go bother Old Mother Hubbard before the king sends you on the first ship to the Orient to be traded for spices…
BEARCAT: Tina, can we have some Good Stuff?
TINA: You’re not old enough yet for MARIHUANA. Wait until you get in third grade…
There was an old squirrel who lived in a shoe
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do…
SQUIRREL CHILDREN: MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHILD 1: He hit me!
LITTLEST: Did NOT!
CHILD 2: I saw him do it!
CHILD 3: You’re lying, brother!
LITTLEST: (Crying) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHILD 4: Can we go get ice cream, Mommy?
CHILD 1: MOM! Make him STOP!
SQUIRREL MOM: I beg to differ…. I know EXACTLY what to do.
SQUIRREL DAD: Oh my… not again dear. I guess we’ll just have to make some more.
SQUIRREL MOM: More, did you say?
SQUIRREL MOM: Time to sell this old shoe and move to L.A.!
ZEEBA: These rhymes are awesome!
BEARCAT: Yeah! They make a lot more sense than the Teletubbies!
Little Miss Scratchy
Sat on her ass… um, tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
SCRATCHY: You mean “listening to Dr. Dre,” right? Curds and what? Just because I’m a hipster doesn’t mean I’m in to all that new age shit, dude!
When along came a spider
Who sat down beside her…
TROLL: Hey, baby! Fancy meeting you out here! What do you say, my web or yours?
SCRATCHY: Dude, one of your eight hands is on my ass! I deal with spiders the same way I deal with creepy old Trolls trying to pick up on me who are waaaay out of my league…
And…. um…. killed the spider DEAD.
TINA: Hmmmmm, that one didn’t even rhyme right!
BEARCAT: Free verse for the win! Read us another one!
Mitzi had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mitzi went
The lamb was sure to go
MITZI: Little lamby wamby, you can, like, totally go home now. This is a private moment for Mitzi!
MARY: Oh please. What guy doesn’t dream of having a threesome with two smokin’ hot babes? I got dibs on the front seat!
SPARKLEPONY: (Angry muffled sounds)
TINA: (Blushing) Well…. it’s a good thing there’s only one more nursery rhyme to go!
It’s raining, it’s pouring
The old skunk is snoring!
She went to bed with a bottle of red
And didn’t wake up til the morning
RAINY: Son of a bitch! It was supposed to rain all night long, and I missed it because I had a hangover! Now it’s just ANOTHER sunny day on the Shelf…
ZEEBA: LOL! That’s so funny!
BEARCAT: Yeah! What a stupid skunk!
RAINY: It’s nice to see you think I’m stupid and funny…
TINA: Dafuq? How the hell did you break in here, bitch?
RAINY: Break in where? There are no walls on this stage. I can see what you mean girls were doing from halfway across the room! I knew it was a terrible idea for Mitzi to be breeding. I guess I’m going to have to finally welcome you newbies to the Shelf…
Rainy stomps off through the imaginary door once she’s done punishing the little ones.
ZEEBA: (Gagging) Oh man, Sis! That smells like one of your shitty diapers!
BEARCAT: Looks who’s talking, Miss Green Poop!
MITZI: Yooooooooooohoooooooooooooo girls! I’m back!
ZEEBA AND BEARCAT: Mommy!!!!!!!
MITZI: Look who, like, totally followed me home! A lamb!
MARY: Geez, Mitz! It smells like something died in your house!
MITZI: Oh noes! You’re right! Wanna go with me up the hill to, like, fetch a new French Whore scented air freshener?