Rhyme Time

TINA: Zeeba, you silly goose!  What are you doing?

ZEEBA: I’m getting piggyback rides!

BEARCAT: Don’t you dare cut in line!  I’m next!

TINA: You need to get off of there!  Your Mommy’s making him for breakfast in the morning!

HAMMY: Oink!?!?

ZEEBA: But I’m bored!

TINA: Speaking of silly gooses, I found a book of nursery rhymes under your Mommy’s mattress to read to you two!

BEARCAT: YAY!  You’re, like, the best critter sitter ever, Tina!

TINA: I know, right?  Let’s get started with one of my personal favorites…

Snuggle Wuggle pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and…

CAPER: (Wiping bear germs off her mouth) Whoa, dude!  NOT cool!  I thought you had some Hershey Kisses for me, not preverted bear slobber!  I’m going to tell an adult now…

SNUGGLE: Yeah, go on ahead.  Nobody ever pays attention to you in these stories anyway!

SAGE: That’s him, officer!  That’s the bear who’s been smooching little girls in the park!

SNUGGLE: Hey!  Mind your own business, bitch!

OFFICER SLIDER: (Getting out his taser) I live for these kind of days…

…went to jail

When the boys came out to play
Snuggie Wuggie…

ZEEBA: Got assraped!

BEARCAT: OMG Sis!  You said a wordy durdy!

TINA: You go with your bad self, grrl!  Like Snuggie Wuggie, I’ll hide your Mommy’s soap.  Let’s see what’s next…

Rainbow Donkey pumpkin eater
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her
He put her in an acorn shell…

SPARKLEPONY: You get me out of this oversized nut AT ONCE Rainbow Donkey, or I’m going to Bobbitize your gluestick!

RAINBOW DONKEY: But you look so cute inside of your pris…. I mean, shell, honeybunch.  (Puts the lid on tight)  And you sound so much better in there…

SPARKLEPONY: (Muffled sounds that vaguely resemble threats)

SPONKIE 2: Father, have you seen Mommy around?

RAINBOW DONKEY: No honey, I think she went shopping.  She’ll probably be back in a couple weeks…

Because she made his life such hell!

BEARCAT: Cool!  I locked our last critter sitter in the freezer for being a douchemonkey!

TINA: What did she do when you let her out?

ZEEBA: She’s still in there, ain’t she Sis?

BEARCAT: Shhhhhhhh!!!!!

TINA: Okay…. moving on!

Humpty Buster sat on a wall

Humpty Buster had a great fall

All the king’s horses and all the king’s…. er, other horses

Couldn’t put Humpty Buster back together again!

APPLEJACK: Like, heck we couldn’t!

TWILIGHT: Yeah, we’ve got duct tape!

LUNA: He’ll be back together and ready to die again in next week’s episode!

ZEEBA: I love a happy ending!

BEARCAT: Read us some more!  Read us some more!

Old King Coon was a merry old soul
And a merry old soul was he

FUZZYWIG: That’s mellow old soul, dear.

He called for his pipe

And he called for his….. um……. good stuff.

And he called for his….. errrrr…..

FUZZYWIG: I don’t need anything else, man.  I’m good.  Well, maybe some potato chips around 4:20 or so….

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! FETCH YOUR POOR DOG A BONE! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FUZZYWIG: Go bother Old Mother Hubbard before the king sends you on the first ship to the Orient to be traded for spices…

BEARCAT: Tina, can we have some Good Stuff?

TINA: You’re not old enough yet for MARIHUANA.  Wait until you get in third grade…

There was an old squirrel who lived in a shoe
She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do…

SQUIRREL CHILDREN: MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHILD 1: He hit me!

LITTLEST: Did NOT!

CHILD 2: I saw him do it!

CHILD 3: You’re lying, brother!

LITTLEST: (Crying) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHILD 4: Can we go get ice cream, Mommy?

CHILD 1: MOM!  Make him STOP!

SQUIRREL MOM: I beg to differ…. I know EXACTLY what to do.

SQUIRREL DAD: Oh my… not again dear.  I guess we’ll just have to make some more.

SQUIRREL MOM: More, did you say?

SQUIRREL MOM: Time to sell this old shoe and move to L.A.!

ZEEBA: These rhymes are awesome!

BEARCAT: Yeah!  They make a lot more sense than the Teletubbies!

Little Miss Scratchy
Sat on her ass… um, tuffet
Eating her curds and whey

SCRATCHY: You mean “listening to Dr. Dre,” right?  Curds and what?  Just because I’m a hipster doesn’t mean I’m in to all that new age shit, dude!

When along came a spider
Who sat down beside her…

TROLL: Hey, baby!  Fancy meeting you out here!  What do you say, my web or yours?

SCRATCHY: Dude, one of your eight hands is on my ass!  I deal with spiders the same way I deal with creepy old Trolls trying to pick up on me who are waaaay out of my league…

And…. um…. killed the spider DEAD.

TINA: Hmmmmm, that one didn’t even rhyme right!

BEARCAT: Free verse for the win!  Read us another one!

Mitzi had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow

And everywhere that Mitzi went
The lamb was sure to go

MITZI: Little lamby wamby, you can, like, totally go home now.  This is a private moment for Mitzi!

MARY: Oh please.  What guy doesn’t dream of having a threesome with two smokin’ hot babes?  I got dibs on the front seat!

SPARKLEPONY: (Angry muffled sounds)

TINA: (Blushing) Well…. it’s a good thing there’s only one more nursery rhyme to go!

It’s raining, it’s pouring
The old skunk is snoring!

She went to bed with a bottle of red
And didn’t wake up til the morning

RAINY: Son of a bitch!  It was supposed to rain all night long, and I missed it because I had a hangover!  Now it’s just ANOTHER sunny day on the Shelf…

ZEEBA: LOL!  That’s so funny!

BEARCAT: Yeah!  What a stupid skunk!

RAINY: It’s nice to see you think I’m stupid and funny…

TINA: Dafuq?  How the hell did you break in here, bitch?

RAINY: Break in where?  There are no walls on this stage.  I can see what you mean girls were doing from halfway across the room!  I knew it was a terrible idea for Mitzi to be breeding.  I guess I’m going to have to finally welcome you newbies to the Shelf…

Rainy stomps off through the imaginary door once she’s done punishing the little ones.

ZEEBA: (Gagging) Oh man, Sis!  That smells like one of your shitty diapers!

BEARCAT: Looks who’s talking, Miss Green Poop!

MITZI: Yooooooooooohoooooooooooooo girls!  I’m back!

ZEEBA AND BEARCAT: Mommy!!!!!!!

MITZI: Look who, like, totally followed me home!  A lamb!

MARY: Geez, Mitz!  It smells like something died in your house!

MITZI: Oh noes!  You’re right!  Wanna go with me up the hill to, like, fetch a new French Whore scented air freshener?

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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13 Responses to Rhyme Time

  1. Quirky Girl says:

    What’s wrong with perverted bear slobber? Surely there’s got to be some critters out there who enjoy that sort of thing…?

  2. draliman says:

    Oh no, I was expecting Humpty Buster to perish but what about the poor squirrel family? Fun nursery rhymes, and it’s nice to see Mitzi’s kids again!

    • I think the squirrel massacre scene may have been the first rhyme I thought of when this theme sprang to mind, and perhaps even inspired by your recent FF post! Poor little guys, I hope the ponies still have more duct tape left once they get done with Humpty Buster…

  3. Merbear74 says:

    This is way better than Aesop’s fables…

  4. Umm…never a dull moment on the shelf, is it?

  5. Trisha says:

    I expected a lot of twisted things to happen, but I didn’t expect Squirrel Mom to kill her whole family! With a pumpkin carving knife too. That had to hurt!

    • Good eye noticing what kind of knife that was! I needed something small and sharp to fit the character. Uncle Snuggie’s steak knife would have ruined the scene (More than six dead bodies did, anyway)….

  6. Oh, my twisted friend, I am amazed at your genius.

    Keep it coming!

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