The Mother Of All Episodes

SPONKIE 2: Mommy’s going to just love this gift we got her for Mother’s Day!

SPONKIE 1: If she’s not (ACHOO!) allergic to the flowers.

BOTH SPONKIES: SURPRISE!!!!

BOTH SPONKIES: Happy Mother’s Day, Mommy!

SPARKLEPONY: You shouldn’t have, kids.  Really, you plucked a weed out of someone’s lawn just for me.  How absolutely touching.

SPONKIE 2: But it’s the thought that counts, right Ma?

SPARKLEPONY: Sure, in some namby pamby fantasy world where things such as deluxe spa gift cards and Cucci purses don’t exist.  I’ve raised such ungrateful little spawn who don’t know the value of material things.  Where did you even get this hideous thing at?

SPONKIE 1: Ummmmmm….

SPARKLEPONY: And why do you both smell like……. blech!

SPONKIE 2: Well, Ma, you see…..

RAINY: How dare you pull up one of my prized dandelions from the garden!  And then steal my precious rain gauge to use as a vase!  Incorrigible little brats like you two are why I am NOT a mother!

SPARKLEPONY: (Dragging both kids by the ears) Let’s go…. it’s tomato bath time!

HUNG LO: Your dinner is on the way, sir.

BUSTER: Great!  I’m starving!

HUNG LO: Incidentally, I thought you said you were meeting your mother here for dinner.  Where is she?

BUSTER: Oh, she’ll be here any minute now.  Ah, here she comes!

SNUGGLE: Dinner is served!

BUSTER: Hi Mom!  Boy, you look really good medium-rare!

SNUGGLE: And I just happened to run out of fresh roadkill meat for the dragon balls feast in the back room, so I’m going to have make do with what I can find!

HUNG LO: Mother and son special!  We need to upcharge for this dynastic delicacy!

SNUGGLE: You got it, boss!  Come on possum, join the rest of your family in the meat grinder!

BUSTER: Oh boy, I love family reunions!

CHILD 1: Happy Mothers Day, Mom!

CHILD 2: Yeah, look what we got you!

CHILD 3: It’s a card!

SQUIRREL MOM: That’s a Valentine’s card.

CHILD 4: So?

CHILD 2: It was on clearance!

LITTLEST: And our allowance sucks!

SQUIRREL MOM: This was so nice of you after I murdered you all in last week’s episode.

CHILD 1: It’s OK, Mom!

CHILD 2: Yeah, we deserved it.

CHILD 3: It’s OK to punish your children.

CHILD 4: As long as it doesn’t cross over into abuse!

LITTLEST: The school nurse didn’t even notice the knife wounds!

SQUIRREL MOM: I love you all!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FLEABAG’S MOTHER: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THANK YOU SON! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FLEABAG’S MOTHER: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! THIS IS WRONG! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

FLEABAG: BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! MY MOM’S A BITCH! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!

EVIE THE EEVEE: Hello?

SHADOW: I’d like to extend best wishes to my maternal ancestor on this Mothers Day!

EVIE: Aw, that’s very nice of you Shadow dear.  An actual visit every once in a while would be nice instead of these yearly collect calls.

SHADOW: Well mother, I’m…. you know, too busy to…

EVIE: You can teleport anywhere you want to in the universe at any time, don’t give me that lame excuse, mister!  Your Flareon and Glaceon siblings were kind enough to drop by today.

Shadow fiddles with the wires…

SHADOW: Ah, such a shame.  The connection seems to have gone out.  I hope my brothers are enjoying mother’s poisonous homemade meatloaf…

FUZZYWIG: Hey mom, you OK, dude?

FUZZY’S MOM: Yes dear, I’m just fine and dandy…

FUZZY’S MOM: Except for this raging glaucoma that’s eating my eyeballs from the inside out.  You wouldn’t have anything to help out your poor, decrepit mother now, would you son?

FUZZYWIG: Well, as a matter of fact, I did bring you something for Mothers Day from my home stash…

FUZZY’S MOM: I always knew I raised such a nice boy.

FUZZYWIG: Yeah mom, sure.  Don’t bogart it, though, or I won’t have my mellow on by 4:20.

Awwwwww, what a sweet mother and son get-together….

MR. FOX: ………………………….

MAMA FOX: ……………………………

You can’t script a moment more touching than that, folks.

ZEEBA: MOMMY! MOMMY!

BEARCAT: Like, Happy Mommys Day!

MITZI: Oh, my l’il Mitzies are such totally sweet things!

BEARCAT: Me and Sis got you a gift for your first Mommys Day!

Mitzi, like, stares in amazement at the gift her baby girls brought to her.

ZEEBA: It’s a dildo!

Bearcat claps her paws against her mouth and giggles at her sister’s candor.

MITZI: Mommy, like, totally knows what that is, dirty grrl!  But, like, where did the two of you get a big girl’s toy from in the first place?

BEARCAT: Well…. they kicked us out of the store at first.

ZEEBA: Yeah!  And I didn’t even get any toyback rides!

BEARCAT: So we had to improvise!

TROLL: You want me to go in there and buy you a WHAT!?!?

BEARCAT: C’mon mister!  Help a couple underage girls out!

ZEEBA: Yeah, it’s for our Mommy!

BEARCAT: We’ll make it worth your while!

Bearcat extracts a wad of one dollar bills from out of her diaper and hands them to Troll.

TROLL: I don’t even want to know where you two got these from… (Troll sniffs the bills anyway, confirming they smell like Mitzi), but OK.  Wait right here…

Troll enters the sex shop and searches for the XXXXXXXXXXXL sized toy…

MARY: Wow!  We get some real preverts in here, but you really take the cake!

TROLL: It’s not for me!  It’s for….

MARY: Yeah, sure.  I hear that a lot around here.  Look, it’s none of my business what you intend to use that for… I just want to make sure you’ll be completely satisfied with your purchase!

TROLL: Look, can I check out already?  This is even worse than buying tampons for my sister!

MARY: I think you should consult with our customer service associate before you commit to buying that giant horse schlong.  (Whistling) Hey, Big Boy!  Customer consultation in the phallic aisle!

TROLL: Gak!

MARY: Would you please help this gentlecritter out by ensuring his new toy will fit properly?

BIG SCRAT: With pleasure, Miss Mary!

Troll tries to run, but trips over his cape… and the next thing he knows….

BIG SCRAT: I hope this will go between those flabby Troll cheeks.  You should really try getting off the couch and toning that fat ass up instead of just playing with ladies’ sex toys!

TROLL: (Makes pathetic cries like a wounded honey badger in a bear trap as Big Scrat begins the product demonstartion)

MARY: (Holding a camcorder) This video is SO going to go on a blank label cassette in our back room!

BEARCAT: You could hear his screams all the way outside the store!

ZEEBA: But we got the toy and know it works!

MITZI: Yaysies!  Mitzi, like, totally loves having a toy that’s already broken in!  Come here, grrls!!!

MITZI: My babies are, like, the bestest!

We here at The Nest and Shelf Critter Theatre wish all of the moms out there a very happy and fucked up Mothers Day this weekend!

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About evilsquirrel13

Bored former 30-something who has nothing better to do with his life than draw cartoon squirrels.
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18 Responses to The Mother Of All Episodes

  1. Trisha says:

    I’m not looking forward to Mother’s Day (Holidays = more work + loss of freedom) but I guess I should just be happy that I most likely won’t get sprayed by a skunk, end up slaughtered and served up in a Chinese restaurant, find myself in an awkward situation like Fleabag’s mom or get ass raped by a sabertoothed squirrel. I might find myself wishing for some of Fuzzywig’s good stuff to get through the day though!

    • Even the most special of holidays is going to be a fucked up mess on the Shelf. The critters mothers have to put up with even more shit than regular moms do!

      And I hope I didn’t inspire anyone to buy their mother a dildo for the big day….

  2. If they can be so nice after she already murdered them, then her babies ARE the bestest. The bestest ever.

  3. so warped, I LOVE you Evil Squirrel! Happy Mother’s Day to yer Mum!

  4. It’s heartwarming to know that at the Nest, things are as they should be even on Mother’s Day…..insanity reigns! I’m a little surprised that the relatively SMALL troll didn’t need some surgery after his “encounter” with Mitzi’s Mother’s Day gift from the girls but then all things are possible on the Shelf………….!

    Pam

    • Let’s just call it the Buster Magic that heals all bumps and bruises any critter might receive during the filming of an episode. Troll may still waddle a bit next week, though…

  5. draliman says:

    Aw, how very, um… touching. Fortunately Mother’s Day was months ago here so I won’t be getting any ideas for presents from this post.

  6. Proving once again, that EVERYONE has a mom of sorts, whether she’s good, bad or indifferent.

  7. Merbear74 says:

    You owe me a cup of coffee… and it’s all Hung Low’s fault!!

  8. ES, don’t ever change. This is brilliant.

  9. Quirky Girl says:

    Poor Buster’s Mom. I hope she didn’t accept the invitation for dinner without the implicit knowledge that she was the main course. What an unfortunate way to celebrate Mother’s Day.

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